I am glad you got something out of it. I have first hand experience with bfh and attending MIL’s funeral together.
I was extremely nervous because of the funeral and the aftermath, less upset because she passed.
I was really hoping bfh wouldn’t show up, but she let H know she will be on the first plane here. The funeral was only a few days after MIL passed.
I was really not much support for H, instead of letting him mourn, I kept asking if she will come or not, I had no idea how to position myself, where to stand, what to do. I thought I would be walking with the other crowd and that bfh would be right there with her sons.
I was the last person to arrive to the funeral, I was working to the last minute and a few more to make sure I was a bit late in order to avoid any conversations with the unwanted.
I got it all wrong. Even though H’s family are what they are, everyone cared how the funeral would turn out.
When I arrived all H’s siblings were standing besides MIL’s coffin or urn (I have no recollection). It was a military funeral (I was probably the only one that didn’t know that and it started on time, military time). I never thought of asking H what was planned, he possibly told me, but I was quite hysterical because bfh was coming. I was hoping for a card and flowers from her, that would do for me. I was hoping she wouldn’t be able to take time off and all my hopes went through down the drain. The opposite happened.
The family and H were eagerly waiting for me to arrive and they placed me exactly where I should be, besides H with all the family. (We were married for 12 yrs at the time and I felt like I did not belong)
When we walked to the grave, I was walking with H and SSs, their mother - EFH was walking with my daughters. I completely missed her or didn’t recognize her, I thought wow, she is not here, thank you god.
About two years ago my DDs just coincidentally told me that they were together at MIL’s funeral and I was stunned.
I completely complicated things for myself, was of almost no support to H or anyone else, was late to a military funeral that started as soon as I took my place. Nobody said anything and things went well as far as I was concerned, blissfully unaware that bfh was there too.
So far I was asked not to come to the presentation of diploma for ESS. But I wasn’t there for my DDs either. It was their own thing, but ESS invited both of his parents. Logical!
I was specifically asked not to attend because if anyone would have an averse reaction, it could affect his performance.
I think in the case of the funeral she got the short end of the stick. She was not invited to family gathering after the funeral or she didn’t want to attend. I still don’t know, never asked.
You know, I think being so preoccupied with myself at MIL’s funeral was extremely out of touch with reality and a bit disrespectful of me.
I had movies, horror movies in my head about how things would go. I was completely out of it for all the wrong reasons.
I know you claim that you will not attend SD’s eventual wedding, but if you are expected to come as a part of SD’s family, do not miss out on that and keep it together for a day. You will hurt yourself most and your H too and SD. Those things are not easily mended.
Proudly take your place, just be there and fake it until you make it. EFH will have to do the same, she definitely wants you to come, because it would be too embarrassing for her if your H came alone. Everyone would than know she doesn’t get along with you and would logically assume that something was very wrong. She could explain it off as, I have no idea what is going on, but people are not stupid.
Me and my sister are the only ones that still have our parents alive. My cousins don’t. Some stroke, some cancer and they all died. Two of my cousins are widows, me, my sister and another cousin have all divorced, only one cousin left has a pretty good marriage. They had some issues, but overcame. Both of their children are married with children, but live abroad.
No situation is perfect. If you have people around you, they may not be talking to you, they may be suing you, manipulating and some friendlies too.
Life never gives us ideal situations and I know which prism you see your situation through.
I see it differently. My sister is not talking to me. We had no quarrel, she now sometimes texts me back. She talks to everyone else. I don’t know what I have done to her, I even asked her on a rare occasion what have I done wrong and she reassured me nothing. I know my people pretty well and we are not easy characters. We are very alike in some ways, like to show off and have a similar sense of humor, but equally any one of us has this fight in us to survive and get ahead, there is some narcissism too, not me haha, maybe sometimes I am quite pushy, according to H all the time. I like fixing things and moving on.
What I am trying to say is that I get it is difficult for you. You have your H, your son has gone to make his own life, logically and H still has younger children and a difficult situation with his own mother.
My DDs left too, they both have their own families, lives. I sometimes have to wait in line to see my YDD and I sometimes can’t help my EDD out with my grandchildren, which feels incredibly bad, unfair.
In the end all I have is H.
Not much different from you. My family is very individualistic and everyone is in their own space.
H’s family is about as bad as your H’s family. One brother threw me out of the house 5 years ago screaming at me that he doesn’t want my money, not understanding that I handle finances in this family. He said he didn’t mean it that way to H later on, because H needed to calm him down, as I was left in shock and crying. Mil was still alive. All I asked was when they were planning to start construction so I could plan our budget. But no, the guy went nuts.
We haven’t spoken or seen each other for 4 years now.
And frankly after being married for 17 years, I really see no point in getting upset ahead of time because of any of them. I suffered too much, I was an emotional wreck and my life was hell sometimes.
I will attend the weddings of either SSs I’d I will be invited. If not, I will not, but that may than complicate things for H, because I believe he would want me there. It would complicate things with SSs. I know they would feel guilty for not inviting me.
It goes the same for your SD, she would feel extremely guilty and people wouldn’t understand why you are not there.
I somehow feel this is not what H’s family want, nor do you deep down. It hurts, trust me.
I think you should accept that your MIL is a piece of work and the woman did so many things wrong. We somehow expect them to be good people, not all of the are and neither are bfh’s. The children are usually a reflection of parents, or parent.
Take it easy on yourself. Do not overthink, some things you cannot avoid or predict correctly.
I see myself an an intuitive person and can feel the room, but sometimes I get it very wrong.
You are a part of their family through marriage regardless of whether you like or not. And so am I. Whether I like it or not. I wish they just wouldn’t exist in my world, but they do. I cannot wish them away, but equally I no longer give them the time and power to destroy me. No one has physically attacked me and I know they are very screwed up, so I will just react when the time will come.
I won’t be afraid of them any more, afraid of the insults. I know why I will have to deal with them to a point, and I will focus on the end goal.
You have a family, an interesting one and I am sorry for your daughter.
It is not all bad. You married a good guy, just not ideal. It doesn’t exist in this world as you can see.
I will be 60 in about a month and it does make me think about how I want to spend the next years of my life. I don’t have forever any more and I had big issues with my health lately.
It can really push one into a different reality. I was thinking that I can do whatever the hell I want (within my capacity) and that is a lot. It doesn’t mean I will turn everything around, but I am looking at different options.
I am free to sell and buy without being afraid of what will happen to me if anything should happen to me inheritance wise. We have a law that a half of what is your equal share in inheritance belongs to you regardless of the will.
So for example if I die and leave no will H gets 1/3 of all I have, if I leave it all to my DDs he is entitled to half of the equal part which is 1/6. I wasn’t as worried about H, but should he die at the same time in an accident, just a few min. after me his sons would be entitled to his part of my inheritance. And because their mother is a bfh big time greedy, I needed to resolve it, I couldn’t wait any longer. So I pushed, I used my sales know how and H bought it, but a few days later he was miserable and told me he wouldn’t have signed it, because he is now homeless. So I did the fair thing.
I think about dying too much, I am in pretty bad shape with infection in my lungs that was not correctly medicated. I am on different meds now, so hope to be on the mend, it got really bad last week with averse reaction to meds…
Got off topic there, stay strong and keep posting. Answering you is opening my eyes too and reading other posts.
Some things I wrote, I didn’t think I had it in me to be honest.
Maybe getting a bit closer to heaven and feeling like crap gave me a different perspective.
