SD here at the moment

[Esme]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound so sad. I wonder if this is just because it's all just happened and maybe won't feel so bad later. But if he said "I will never succumb to your demands of flowers" that was cruel. I had to train my OH to get flowers on special occasions! And he does do it now even though I know it will be from the supermarket! But I don't mind - it's just nice he gets them.

Why on earth would your H think it was a demand? It sounds like all the attention with SD has gone to his head a bit. Is she still with you or has she gone now? Were you invited along to the "tattoo party"?

 

[LostinCanada]

LostinCanada...hi !

Its never to late to join in as far as im concerned. So thank you much appreciated

I agree per cent that my physical health is a representation of how i am feeling mentally. Not had migraine attacks for years then SD arrives and BAM! 2 bad headaches in 1 week. Im very aware that these seem like trivial problems to some people but I cant help the way I feel. I was diagnosed with Myofacscial Pain Syndrome in 2007 but i firmly believe its fibromyalgia and i just dont cope very well with my emotions they seem more painful these days.

I agree with you about the MIL i just dont get it. But i have said in previous posts, its a women thing. So when H was married to EFH , ex and MIL enjoyed hating each other...after H gets divorced and meets me , I then become the object of both of these vile womens attention...they just need to hate, they have me in common, my mother was the same, not happy unless she has someone to bad mouth, its what some people are like. So obviously EFH hates me (we know that can be normal) and MIL joins in because lets face it, how many mothers enjoy tearing strips off their daughter in laws! Manipulation indeed!
Apparently MIL has plans to visit this year, i will be making zero effort to join in with that one. SD is a different kettle of fish.

Yeah, shes quite lazy, H has paid zero attention to the house work since SD arrived. I feel i have to do it for him as hes working and at the moment I am not.
You have SO much more on your plate, Im not sure how I would manage your situation but seemingly some of the relationships are good which is a good thing and a relief!

Life gets so messy sometimes.

I think the worst thing for me is i feel invisible. People just dont understand or even try to understand. For example I said to a friend last night, something about MIL having cosied up with ex wife, my friends response is ,"oh thats fine, dont worry about that" because its fine in her world that her ex partners mother still talks to her after her husband cheated on her. Just because its fine in your world it doesnt mean its fine in my world....she dismissed my rant and my feelings as if i was just babbling, she then proceeded to talk to me for 40 minutes about how incompetent her work colleagues are....if there was a bridge nearby, i think i would have jumped off it

Thats why i have to be in this group where people have experienced the same issues. It really helps me.

I definitely get the message to detach..im gonna try harder, H makes it difficult, he has fairy tale family in his head, no idea why, but i think its just his head in the sand.

Im trying to do something beautiful for me. Its just finding it thats the problem. Thank you so much for your response, every response helps me and i am so very grateful

Ugh it gets so overwhelming doesn't it. I know there are messages below but I want to address some things briefly in this message. And feeling invisible is depressing. I feel you HAVE to take back som of your power. Easier said then done when you feel so alone. In future if she is coming for a month you say to your partner 'I really want you to spend some time with your daughter as its such precious time you have together' i.e. make it about them even if its just for your sanity. And you go stay with different friends for a while - great if they are in fun exotic locations but if budget is an issue even London or other locaions where you have a friend that has nothing to do with your husband/partner and take back some focus on yourself!!

And I just had the pleasure of MIL (well we aren't married but for ease of conversation - easier saying MIL) spending the weekend with the EFH watching my partners daughter play VB. The EFH managed to send over 600 whatsapps (not all of them were hers but she used the disguise of a 'parents group' to send over 500). Of course we just happen to have gone on vacation and didn't go so the MIL played games re not sending us updates and th EFH played games by sending Whatsapps every couple of seconds as we left for vacation). So the point is (and honestly I have PTSD with her - diagnosed as complex PTSD with a few other things). And you can't control him or SD but you can control what YOU do so you need to take some of your glorious wonderful power back. Think back to when you both first met and try and recapture some of that power you had ben channelling the behaviour you had when you first met. For me that evolves into caring less. I didn't care at all when his ex contacted outside of feeling sorry for her as I knew my partner was a bit enaoured with me (as your partner was no doubt). You might have to get creative? I once took a tent out and just camped out and took motivational books and went running (I had zero money at the time so had very limited options) and got some perspective on how bloody lucky he is an how much of a **** his ex his. You deserve to treat yourself with love and kindness so do it!! Big big hugs from my holiday location PS I am going to post a rant about the ex in a bit as OMG she does my head in and my partner said he wouldn't respond to the emails that I KNEW would come at some point on our vacation.

 

[LostinCanada]

Yes, it is awful , but when people hurt you and try to destroy the life you built, we don’t have to be nice. I hate to pretend, I feel fake and I am honest in admitting that my departed MIL was so hateful towards me and working on breaking up our marriage that sometimes I wished she would just go, stop, couldn’t take it any more.
She apologized a few years before she died, but it was very late, probably too late for me to feel anything. I never trusted her, not even after she died. I know it sounds crazy, but it was very true. Now I don’t feel anything.
Sister in law SIL - the last thing she said to me was, your H-her brother doesn’t love you and he is going to divorce you.
Than they did everything in their power to make me look bad and a nasty lawsuit followed with permanent damage to any semblance to having a relationship.
So again detach. Go out with friends go shopping, take classes, check out new designs for home or just walk, read, audiobooks are fun to listen, see a movie, learn to be on your own for a few hours and force yourself to move. Clean the dishes or take off, don’t dwell.

My H also makes plans for his younger son when he comes for a rare visit.
As far as we go, I haven’t been to a movie for years, very rarely has he put out an idea, a plan.
He told me quite a few times, tell me what to do and I will, tell me what you want…, I found this attitude hurtful, now I just say let’s go there and do this.
At the moment my marriage is a sort of stable, certain things happen that rocked H’s world and he had to stop with his destructive lifestyle. I was about to divorce him.
We have divided all assets and have signed a contract with the notary about disinheriting each other, so I have mine and he has his and I am finally free to do as I please. I can sell whatever I want and the money I get from it is mine.
I am the more well off in this partnership. I also no longer have to tell him anything about how I manage my finances.
In that sense we are financially divorced and I feel so much better. He held his part of the deal and signed over the cottage I bought in both of our names with the money I saved before we were married.
It was a huge issue for me in this marriage because H has allowed himself to be financially drained by his older unemployed son and spent too much money on himself.
Now he won’t be able to come home and say I need this much money because my brothers said I have to invest in the house that wasn’t even his at the time. I had to say no and equally he applied pressure on me because his family decided this should be done. It was making me crazy, I felt I was being a hostage, now I made it very clear that no one will inherit anything after me except my Daughters.
Finally I feel safer.
I regret to say the money issue went so far I felt like being married to the enemy.
I can get close to H and yet I feel detached. Too much has happened with no boundaries, being exploited for money (or we will make sure he will leave you), I am now safe from ant attempts to grab money from me should he die. We will no longer function as a couple, but more like business partners, IF we decide to tackle ant projects together. All the paperwork will be done prior, so no more manipulation.

I have put my apartment on the market and am looking into buying a house. The purchase will be made in my name only and stay that way. It is not a prenup, but a complete division of assets. The notary asked if we were getting a divorce. If so, I only have to file it if he won’t sign it right off. I am now free of obligation to him as he is to me. We will be together only by choice and no longer because of work connection or any purchases.

sadly this was for me the biggest issue and allowed my husband to behave in a manner he never should have. Now I don’t need him any longer. If he wants, he can leave.

Before I couldn’t sell the cottage, I was afraid of selling my flat and moving, I was afraid he may try and get money from my company. Now all he can get is a paycheck or get fired and divorced. That comes in a package.
I am done suffering. He was a very good worker and a spineless, but nice husband.
Until he was neither. I have replacement for him at work and nothing connects me to him.

I hope none of you ever need to be as independent, but dividing assets and disinheriting is done quite frequently in second marriages. I didn’t know, the notary told us. I wish I would have done it years ago, but I had no backup at work and he abused his position.
I will see what will happen now. With a future so uncertain I had/have to find safety for myself.
In reality it shows up as doing things I have avoided, taking better care of my home, starting to clear the space and hopefully leaving the past behind.
I guess it was my cat passing, that also shook me and opened my eyes to how alone I am in reality. He was always with me and cuddled whenever he could and it gave me a feeling of warmth.
If this marriage or what is left of it won’t give me that, than I will move on from that too.
I am no longer afraid, or as afraid, I don’t know yet. I let all the parasites around me know I’ve had enough. EFH-the vile ex wife and my H’s family have been informed. I will never, ever have to listen to how much I have to pay, ever.

Some other points I wanted to add:
If you are financially stable and well enough off, that type of people will try and abuse you.
If you are not for example employed, they will use that against you.
You must remember it is not you, it is how they feel around you. Threatened, jealous, envious.
They have no boundaries, or to put it mildly are very adaptable.

They will praise anyone with money and connections to high society. So if you act like a total snob and are related to the cream of society, they will befriend you eventually, because they can say, oh my ex daughter in law DIL is this and that and my granddaughter is related to…, so that they can pretend to be relevant more than you or others.
Money and power is extremely tempting.

Maya I am so sorry with what you have put up with too - what strength and courage you have. You deserve far better and hopefully you are getting that now. This line though is a pearl: "You must remember it is not you, it is how they feel around you. Threatened, jealous, envious." I"ve put that on my phone!! My partners most recent ex (with the 15 year old shared daughter) makes my life hell. I said it to Noodle but over 600 Whatsapp's as we left for vacation (over 2 days) on a parents chat with about 500 of them hers. Knowing that they would come up on our phones etc. Its all about Jealousy and Envy and desperately trying to get his attention. Your SIL and MIL clearly had very very green monsters going on. And how bloody selfish not appreciating that there brother was happy!! Blurgh...horrid people to be in your life.

 

[LostinCanada]

Don't feel despondent. It's a different relationship. And I'm sure an awful lot of Stepmums feel that sometimes. When Dads don't see their children that much and then they do, it's like you're invisible. I used to get that a lot in the early days. And I used to stand there and say - hey excuse me, I'm feeling left out - I'm not invisible. Then they'd both be extra nice to me. But that was with a young child. It's much harder with a female teenager.

All I can say is it's a different kind of love. Couples get into ruts and take each other for granted. It's a kind of love, just moseying along and knowing each other are there. OH is probably over the moon to see his daughter, thinking he had lost her. But he doesn't seem to be able to involve you in that somehow. A sunset beach picnic is the Dad in him - presumably it's less hot at sunset. It might sound romantic (and wouldn't it be nice) but it's not really, because it's his daughter. Matching tattoos - he's reverting to being a teenager himself.

I think when SD has gone you could maybe say - that sunset beach picnic was a great idea - I think we should do it ourselves.

This is well said Esme. Noodle we do lose perspective when we feel invisible - not saying you did but I think Esme has it right in that the picnic could actually be practical dad (my partner would do that as he hates sitting on in the heat of the day and zero chance he would be able to get his 15 year old up to do it in the morning), and yup re the Tattoo. My partner has wanted one and when his daughter started talking about getting one (his 21/22 year old) he thought he might get a similar one. Until I said WTH - no no no. I do actually like tattoos (I don't have any but have loads of friends that have small ones - and a niece now covered in tattoos). I told my partner you will look like an aging dad trying to be a cool young dad - get a bloody ferrari instead ;-). Feel sorry for him in that he will most likely regret it in about 5-10 years time.

 

[LostinCanada]

On the day of the matching tattoos i texted , please could you bring me some flowers home, yes i was feeling insecure..
He completely ignored my text and further said i will never succumb to your demands of flowers, i havent had any since he picked me wild daisies in the field before our wedding gotta be 5 years ago.
I think im done with him
So much in-between the lines
Almost incestuous

You sound so down and I am so sorry Noodle. You need some head space. Please call up a friend or go out and join a new group (that has nothing to do with your husband). You are feeling isolated and so alone (I know that feeling well having moved countries to be with my partner and not knowing anyone in Canada when I did). I joined a pickle ball club!! It was cheap and easy and even though I didn't bond with anyone at first I was at least out and about doing something healthy that got me out of my own head. I was on anti-anxiety meds at the time. It seems like you can't get out of the house when you are feeling so down but baby steps. Go down to a beautiful shop and browse, go for a drive to a new village and join a cards club. Ugh I know its easy to suggest things and hard to do them but its so important you get out of your own head and remember how wonderful and powerful you can be. Outside of your husband and his SD.

 

[Esme]

600 whatsapps! Is she on something?

 

[Noodle]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound so sad. I wonder if this is just because it's all just happened and maybe won't feel so bad later. But if he said "I will never succumb to your demands of flowers" that was cruel. I had to train my OH to get flowers on special occasions! And he does do it now even though I know it will be from the supermarket! But I don't mind - it's just nice he gets them.

Why on earth would your H think it was a demand? It sounds like all the attention with SD has gone to his head a bit. Is she still with you or has she gone now? Were you invited along to the "tattoo party"?

No i was not invited to the tattoo party

 

[Esme]

I know you're feeling really hurt and down but, try and see the ridiculous side of it maybe? OH is behaving like a childish idiot. It sounds like things were reasonably ok until the beach picnic and the tattoos. Having someone to stay full time on a long holiday isn't easy at the best of times. All I can suggest is - don't let him know you're hurt. Act as if everything is fine. That kind of throws them. They can get a feeling of power over knowing you're upset somehow. Maybe not intentionally but he is maybe feeling a bit smug about everything and that can bring the worst out in people. And buy some lovely flowers you can enjoy looking at.

I wonder if it would help having another person around as well. Three is a funny number. Then you could suggest a meal out and so on and have someone else to talk to and that can change the dynamics a bit.

Having said all that - I hear you. You've had enough. Have you thought about how you could live a different life maybe? I know it's hard - finances and so on. But there are ways sometimes.

 

[Noodle]

Ugh it gets so overwhelming doesn't it. I know there are messages below but I want to address some things briefly in this message. And feeling invisible is depressing. I feel you HAVE to take back som of your power. Easier said then done when you feel so alone. In future if she is coming for a month you say to your partner 'I really want you to spend some time with your daughter as its such precious time you have together' i.e. make it about them even if its just for your sanity. And you go stay with different friends for a while - great if they are in fun exotic locations but if budget is an issue even London or other locaions where you have a friend that has nothing to do with your husband/partner and take back some focus on yourself!!

And I just had the pleasure of MIL (well we aren't married but for ease of conversation - easier saying MIL) spending the weekend with the EFH watching my partners daughter play VB. The EFH managed to send over 600 whatsapps (not all of them were hers but she used the disguise of a 'parents group' to send over 500). Of course we just happen to have gone on vacation and didn't go so the MIL played games re not sending us updates and th EFH played games by sending Whatsapps every couple of seconds as we left for vacation). So the point is (and honestly I have PTSD with her - diagnosed as complex PTSD with a few other things). And you can't control him or SD but you can control what YOU do so you need to take some of your glorious wonderful power back. Think back to when you both first met and try and recapture some of that power you had ben channelling the behaviour you had when you first met. For me that evolves into caring less. I didn't care at all when his ex contacted outside of feeling sorry for her as I knew my partner was a bit enaoured with me (as your partner was no doubt). You might have to get creative? I once took a tent out and just camped out and took motivational books and went running (I had zero money at the time so had very limited options) and got some perspective on how bloody lucky he is an how much of a **** his ex his. You deserve to treat yourself with love and kindness so do it!! Big big hugs from my holiday location PS I am going to post a rant about the ex in a bit as OMG she does my head in and my partner said he wouldn't respond to the emails that I KNEW would come at some point on our vacation.

Thank you for the advice, much appreciated i will do my best to take control of my life. I was kind of on that path for the last 4 weeks. SD was here and i felt totally invisible so i started depending on myself, i started to not care what people think or say. It was quite enlightening. The one day i thought i really dont care today, i was anxious about going out to a group settimg with H and SD and i thought, come on i can do this....so we got there, SD parked her backside amongst all my friends as if she is my replacement, someone offered me his seat, one of the men, H tried to force me to take a seat with the women but the seat was right on the edge facing away from the group i knew i would feel so uncomfortable there so i stood where i was and i said no, im going nowhere, i will be standing here whilst you chat sport with the men. I stood my ground i wasnt afraid to be alone because i knew it was coming.
People approached me that day. I stood and smiled, i was pleasant but detached. It worked out ok for me

 

[Noodle]

I know you're feeling really hurt and down but, try and see the ridiculous side of it maybe? OH is behaving like a childish idiot. It sounds like things were reasonably ok until the beach picnic and the tattoos. Having someone to stay full time on a long holiday isn't easy at the best of times. All I can suggest is - don't let him know you're hurt. Act as if everything is fine. That kind of throws them. They can get a feeling of power over knowing you're upset somehow. Maybe not intentionally but he is maybe feeling a bit smug about everything and that can bring the worst out in people. And buy some lovely flowers you can enjoy looking at.

I wonder if it would help having another person around as well. Three is a funny number. Then you could suggest a meal out and so on and have someone else to talk to and that can change the dynamics a bit.

Having said all that - I hear you. You've had enough. Have you thought about how you could live a different life maybe? I know it's hard - finances and so on. But there are ways sometimes.

No i cant go anywhere im pretty trapped. There is no escape route for me, i just have to put up and shut up and i think thats a big part of the problem, theres nothing attractive about someone who has no where to turn

 

[Esme]

Ok, so, sorry if this sounds blunt. But what would you do if H dropped dead tomorrow? I mean in terms of future life. You'd be on your own then. But I guess that isn't the same financial dilemma as divorce can be. Do you have anything in your own name? Any savings or something?

I had a neighbour in the past who, when she saw how my marriage ended out of the blue (my ex H had an affair), she suddenly went out and retrained and got a well paid job. Part time initially. She said she never wanted to feel she couldn't be independent if something like that happened to her.

 

[Noodle]

I have nothing, if H dropped dead tomorrow i would get some money from his work insurance policy which would set me up. Apart from that, nothing. I hate having no money or security but im in my 50s, i have no skills, i dont have a good job, i take what i can get. Ive recently been unemployed and it hit me how hard it is to secure a position at my age, i barely got 1 interview out of hundreds of applications . Its very scary. You are very lucky to have security.

 

[Noodle]

I wish i had not given up my house when i met H. It wasnt a purchased house it was a social house but thry never would have asked me to leave. I was very stupid.

 

[Esme]

No you weren't stupid. We all make decisions that seem right at the time. Presumably if you divorced H you'd be entitled to half the house equity?

 

[Noodle]

I wouldn't take it x

 

[Maya]

Remember we all have ups and downs. Please wait until things get back to normal and SD leaves.
I am sure you prefer your children over your H. It is a special kind of love. We are their biggest fans, their protectors, we love them unconditionally.
Our partner is our partner, not a part of us, a separate person. Someone we live with, someone we share finances with, plan things and it should be someone with whom we can spend some time together and some time pursuing our goals. We do not have everything in common. Sometimes they are lazy and inattentive, sometimes they are great.
I am very certain if your H’s children would live with you, it would be very different.

My H’s sons immigrated with their mother to Switzerland and he didn’t know where they lived or how they were, he didn’t know that his ESS wasn’t enrolled in school at 15. He didn’t have access for months.

So when he came to live with us H functioned on another level. He ordered new furniture for his room (before it was good enough for my YDD). He cooked, he shopped and we got along in some strange way. Than after about a month and a half, ESS went into depression and became extremely difficult. He definitely made all of us feel like “moving here is the same s…, as living with my mother”.
He had to clean the dishes and clean up after himself, study…
You can be sure, your H would only be able to sustain that kind life for a while, sooner or later he would want to take a rest, get back into his usual self and maybe SD would become very difficult and he would have a hard time being a parent to her. He is very much out of practice.
One thing is vacation and making the most of it, a completely different story is living together.
We all know that.
You left your home, I spent too much money on SSs and almost none on my DDs. I was focused on lawsuits instead because of life and my girls just grew up by the time I realized I have to turn my focus to my family and it was a very difficult time for me.
Emptiness followed, I was disoriented. I missed out on things and I am still having trouble forgiving myself.

But the only way out of this mess (you know H and I went through some tough times, really tough) is to mentally move on in terms of let’s have a normal life now, let’s plan for something fun.

For example. H wasn’t really in the mood today, but I insisted we go out. We went for a dive and a walk in a very nice flower park with tulips in all colors and other flowers.
We also saw what last years extreme floods did. The place we got married at, where we had our cake, gone, completely destroyed. It was quite shocking to see and equally it proves a very worn out phrase “we will rebuild” and they did. Not done yet, but most of the houses were flooded and up to the first floor and have now been cleaned and repaired for the most part. My YDD and my friend were volunteers at the cleanup. They sent pictures and compared to what we saw today, it’s almost back to normal.
Incredible what can be done.
I believe same can be done in our relationships.

In the end he was grateful we went out and didn’t spend staying home all day.

It also made me realize that life can come back to some semblance of what it was and people can get back to normal and laugh again.

Don’t make your decisions when you are at your lowest. Wait and than try and get back to some normal.

I know how you feel, have been there, but we all know that we cannot be in a honeymoon stage all the time. After that ends, real life starts and we get to know the real person we are with, with the good, bad and just plain ordinary.
That is what most people are like, they just show us their best side for a while.
As they say a whole different life happens behind closed doors. A very ordinary life. We have to learn to appreciate that too and if you are the one in the family planning things, so be it.

My H is difficult sometimes and I almost gave up several times. We signed all the papers, divided all the property, except divorce.
He did what he promised. I also made a promise to him and I put it down in writing last night when I couldn’t sleep and tensions were high because of it. It turns out it wasn’t easy for me to commit to my part of the deal.

I think it was time I truly made a decision, a commitment to H. He would be penniless and homeless if we divorced. I don’t want that, I don’t think it’s fair after almost 17 yrs.
He is calmer and more relaxed now.

 

[Noodle]

Remember we all have ups and downs. Please wait until things get back to normal and SD leaves.
I am sure you prefer your children over your H. It is a special kind of love. We are their biggest fans, their protectors, we love them unconditionally.
Our partner is our partner, not a part of us, a separate person. Someone we live with, someone we share finances with, plan things and it should be someone with whom we can spend some time together and some time pursuing our goals. We do not have everything in common. Sometimes they are lazy and inattentive, sometimes they are great.
I am very certain if your H’s children would live with you, it would be very different.

My H’s sons immigrated with their mother to Switzerland and he didn’t know where they lived or how they were, he didn’t know that his ESS wasn’t enrolled in school at 15. He didn’t have access for months.

So when he came to live with us H functioned on another level. He ordered new furniture for his room (before it was good enough for my YDD). He cooked, he shopped and we got along in some strange way. Than after about a month and a half, ESS went into depression and became extremely difficult. He definitely made all of us feel like “moving here is the same s…, as living with my mother”.
He had to clean the dishes and clean up after himself, study…
You can be sure, your H would only be able to sustain that kind life for a while, sooner or later he would want to take a rest, get back into his usual self and maybe SD would become very difficult and he would have a hard time being a parent to her. He is very much out of practice.
One thing is vacation and making the most of it, a completely different story is living together.
We all know that.
You left your home, I spent too much money on SSs and almost none on my DDs. I was focused on lawsuits instead because of life and my girls just grew up by the time I realized I have to turn my focus to my family and it was a very difficult time for me.
Emptiness followed, I was disoriented. I missed out on things and I am still having trouble forgiving myself.

But the only way out of this mess (you know H and I went through some tough times, really tough) is to mentally move on in terms of let’s have a normal life now, let’s plan for something fun.

For example. H wasn’t really in the mood today, but I insisted we go out. We went for a dive and a walk in a very nice flower park with tulips in all colors and other flowers.
We also saw what last years extreme floods did. The place we got married at, where we had our cake, gone, completely destroyed. It was quite shocking to see and equally it proves a very worn out phrase “we will rebuild” and they did. Not done yet, but most of the houses were flooded and up to the first floor and have now been cleaned and repaired for the most part. My YDD and my friend were volunteers at the cleanup. They sent pictures and compared to what we saw today, it’s almost back to normal.
Incredible what can be done.
I believe same can be done in our relationships.

In the end he was grateful we went out and didn’t spend staying home all day.

It also made me realize that life can come back to some semblance of what it was and people can get back to normal and laugh again.

Don’t make your decisions when you are at your lowest. Wait and than try and get back to some normal.

I know how you feel, have been there, but we all know that we cannot be in a honeymoon stage all the time. After that ends, real life starts and we get to know the real person we are with, with the good, bad and just plain ordinary.
That is what most people are like, they just show us their best side for a while.
As they say a whole different life happens behind closed doors. A very ordinary life. We have to learn to appreciate that too and if you are the one in the family planning things, so be it.

My H is difficult sometimes and I almost gave up several times. We signed all the papers, divided all the property, except divorce.
He did what he promised. I also made a promise to him and I put it down in writing last night when I couldn’t sleep and tensions were high because of it. It turns out it wasn’t easy for me to commit to my part of the deal.

I think it was time I truly made a decision, a commitment to H. He would be penniless and homeless if we divorced. I don’t want that, I don’t think it’s fair after almost 17 yrs.
He is calmer and more relaxed now.

Very wise words indeed, i will read them more than once Maya, thank you.
I think i struggle because my children dont have anyone else to turn to, whilst Hs children have so much.
I guess that is beyond me and mine.
I cant get past how they all take him for granted when my children do not have a father. It makes me angry.
I cant stand the ex whining that she gets nothing. She gets everything that I dont and more.
SD has plans to return at Christmas with her boyfriend lets see how he likes that dynamic!
Im hoping it has a sobering effect upon us all.

 

[Esme]

Lol that will be brilliant Noodle! SD coming with her boyfriend. H won't get a look in! At least four is a more balanced number as well.

Try not to let this recent visit get to you. He didn't see his daughter for a long time, thought he had lost her, so he was bound to be a bit over the top and selfish. Maybe see it as a blip. And focus on living your best life now. H may see he is missing something.

I'm glad you have your own kids. They will be there for you throughout life as they grow up. Have they left home yet? I didn't realise they didn't have their own Dad. Did he disappear or did he die? Apologies if that is a personal thing to ask.

 

[Noodle]

They disappeared my daughter is in care due to severe learning disabilities and my son is fine but finding his own path.
Im hoping H wont get a look in...i think hes going to feel something similar to me next time.
Im hoping hes not intending to lavish gifts on the boyfriend as he did on the daughter but with the visit being the 2nd in a year surely he will realise the reality.. i just dont want him to keep playing this game of one upmanship over his ex wife by trying to impress his daughter for the rest of his life. Seems like a game of who can outdo the other
The house is on the verge of sale but the psychological games will never end
Im starting to see that unfortunately for me Hs mind games with EFH will never be over
I can guarantee 1 thing, SD mentioned if she ever gets married we will all have to put our differences aside..
Absolutely no way i would ever attend SD wedding never gonna happen

 

[Esme]

That could be difficult. H will obviously want to attend his daughter's wedding and if you didn't go it would be taken as a snub. Do you mean because EFH would be there? Clearly SD wants everything smoother and is thinking ahead to getting married. I've seen plenty of stories of Stepmums having to grit their teeth through a wedding! The usual advice was no, don't avoid, go and make sure you look amazing. It's just one day

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Son's do tend to like to be a bit independent. How old is he now? What happened to their Dad?