SD here at the moment

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
The time has come around. SD is here to stay for a while.

You may recall I received massive amounts of verbal abuse from SD 18 months ago.

So she is here, there has been zero apology. I will never get one. Interesting though. SD has been encouraged by EFH to "fix" Hs relationship with SS who is not here. Seemingly EFH not handling SS very well at the moment, probably would have liked them both out of her hair!!! After all EFHs disgusting abuse towards me and H, she now WANTS SS to come and visit. SS (the cheek) demands an apology from H before he will even consider reconciliation. Pffft!!! SD doesnt offer me any apology.

Anyway, its fine, i dont really care. Ive spent the last week away from the family home to give H and SD some bonding time. Its still fairly obvious that Im not wanted around but this is my home, deal with it.

She takes photos of her wonderful holiday, not 1 photo of me in there 😂 im glad but again, pretending i dont exist or too afraid to show EFH that we actually got along ok.

I am going to have a rant too...SD is greedy, selfish, entitled and untidy. She runs away at the merest sign something needs doing. For example after dinner, myself H and my son wash up and dry up together. She doesnt lift an extended fingernail! We buy things to share in my house. SD hides food in her room. She doesnt share and if you ask her to share you get a look. How has she been brought up? She is extremely spoilt. Shes not once offered to buy us a drink. When my children are out H will say..."your round" to my children. Not to precious SD though. I understand hes not seen her for a while but shes almost 20 and seriously how long will this be allowed to continue? I suspect forever.

She expects it. I believe EFH will have groomed her before she came. "Dont lift a finger for them, they owe you "

I owe her nothing. I wont hold my breathe for any kind of thank you or a thank you gift. Shes just too selfish.

Meanwhile H tip toes around trying to make the best impression on his best behaviour letting SD think she doesnt have to lift a finger!

Its unreal!
 
I think you're managing very well :) I was going to say some of it sounds like normal teenage stuff, but you say she's 20. So assume OH is going to do an apology to get SS there?
 
Hes already made his apology, strangely he didnt feel compelled to let me know this piece of info!

yeah i guess it is normal she probably feels uncomfortable in this environment. I have no animosity towards her but im guarded, im not stupid.
 
Needless to say my son needed to apologise to H this week, i have ensured that that has happened because me and my children have good morals!

Of that, I can be proud ...take responsibility for your own behaviour is always a good lesson, one that H refuses to instill in his own children.
 
Noodle said:
Hes already made his apology, strangely he didnt feel compelled to let me know this piece of info!

yeah i guess it is normal she probably feels uncomfortable in this environment. I have no animosity towards her but im guarded, im not stupid.
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I think it's a start. It's time away from EFH and a chance for her to see some normality. That won't happen overnight, but if she sees you and OH good together and a different way of treating people some of it might rub off. A different perspective. I empathise with the lack of helping round the house. That might be partly the mentality that she's not there permenantly and it's a "holiday", although it's courteous to offer to do something when staying with people as well. Except it's her Dad so she'll think it's not necessary. Does OH offer to help clear up after meals? If he did it would be setting an example! If he doesn't, maybe you could suggest to him privately that it would set an example to SD if you both helped clear up after meals, even though making it clear you're not going to ask her to at this stage - but that if she saw you and OH helping each other with things, it's a good example. Food in the room - tell me about it 🤣
 
My sympathies.
Sounds familiar.
I was pushed away too, as if I didn’t exist. EFH made sure her sons knew where she stands as far as I go, so any event concerning the two of them, I am asked to stay away because of their mother.

Bad manners are a sign of EFH’s abusive attitude towards H and you.

Esme is right. Show her your world, don’t let her prevail with her bad manners and attitude. It could rub off on her or it can just give her food for thought that maybe you guys have it good.

In my case these visits affected everyone in the family, like you I was irritated by the attitude, but so was my EDD.

YDD moved out at 19 permanently, wanted to be on her own.

My H was exactly like your H, tipped and let anything that I may not approve of from me.

It’s interesting, same pathology, different countries, different nations. I guess some women can’t help themselves and men basically fear them.
We have to take it or sometimes I felt H would rather leave me than accept a different approach.
It feels like the parent keep a bond, no matter how toxic through their children.

I always thought EFH was a bit short sighted because she restricted visitations, made sure we would not have a normal relationship and encouraged hateful environment for the children towards their father.

So stupid, we could have helped a lot more wit, in our case problems at school and addiction, but were kept out of the loop.
We were involved when things got impossible for her to handle, so she just handed ESS over to us, that was it. Not a call was made to school or us to inquire how her son was doing.
But she did mess things up regarding and topics, so it took years for ESS to accept he will never be a lawyer, time wasted, money spent.

Those women use and abuse their children in every direction.
This t be outlawed.
 
We clean up as a family after every meal. SD leaves the room.
Im a bit pissed off today.
H works during the week, SD relies / expects me to entertain her whilst he is at work.
I spoke to H at the weekend about my lack of apology from SD.
His response is, well what do you want me to do.
Thats the problem he sticks his head in the sand and then thinks there are no problems or issues.
If he doesnt acknowledge it, it doesnt exist for him.
Im sorry but, im not here to entertain your daughter.
The surface level polite conversation is boring and tiresome.
We are being civil. Thats fine.
But I am being taken for granted.
 
Have you thought about getting her drunk? 🤣 Like all having dinner and some drinks maybe. SS got very drunk at a party recently, and all sorts came out. It kind of broke some barriers. It can make people feel better and say things that are bottled up. Even if she talked about being hurt and upset, but she might become more emotioanal and it break down some awkward barriers.
 
Shes been drunk whilst here. 🤣 The situation, SD being here is fine. The conversation is difficult. If she brings up her home life I close down. I really do not want to discuss anything that goes on with EFHs life. Apparently shes (EFH) getting married.....oh ok. 🙄
Im not interested in the details. Plus I know if I do converse it will be considered as prying. So I cant really win.
I know Im being guarded and probably a bit off but H is treating SD like a child. She comes shopping with us and follows H around the supermarket like a toddler , picking up what she wants off the shelves and dropping it in the basket no matter what the cost., knowing H wont say anything and will just buy her whatever she wants. Spoiling her. I will let it go for this visit as hes not seen her for over 2 years.

Hes very different with my children as I stated, he makes sure my children contribute financially and by doing chores. Im really not sure why hes not the same with his own child. Hes also very different with me. He questions my spending at the supermarket. I guess he wants a message sent back that she didnt have to spend a penny. I suppose its because he wants her to come back again for a 2nd visit but pffft.....

Its annoying.
 
He could also be trying to prove something to his parents, who haven't given him an ounce of support, that he doesnt need anything from them.
The message will get back that she didnt have to pay for a thing.
Proving that hes doing well maybe?
What are your thoughts?
 
I think it's quite common for Dads to have different rules for their kids sometimes, especially when they're scared of losing them. I get similar with the cost of food and shopping. OH makes a huge fuss about how much I've got and spent, but will go out and spend loads on junky treats for SS lol. Food is very expensive these days as well in the Uk. How is it where you are?

It's difficult when they talk about EFH - over the years I just adopted a smile and "that's nice". SD might be quite glad to be away from EFH if she's getting married! She could feel a bit pushed out. That could help her with some perspective. ie that both parents are needed at various times. That could be the reason EFH wants SS to come - if she wants time alone and trips with new hubby.

It's not easy having anyone stay for a period of time, when you have your own routines, but just go with the flow. It can't be easy. Do you think she could warm to you during this period. Are you all having any days out to get away from domesticity and chores? That can help with everyone feeling a bit more natural and enjoying something in a neutral location.
 
Its very expensive here too. And exactly the same thing happens. Im almost not allowed to food shop for fear of the cost but as i said SD drops whatever she likes in the trolley and he doesnt bat an eyelid. Even cosmetics and my son was told recently that hes now old enough to buy his own personal products!

We just came back from a weekend away. To be honest SD was fine. There are times when i think shes lovely and i feel affection towards her but then i remember...its an oops moment. Im not allowed to have feelings for this person, i remind myself.

But she was told to choose her own snacks for the trip which we all did. When we get there shes asking if she can eat my food. It winds me up so much. I wouldn't mind but she doesnt share. Shes a bit selfish.
Shes happy to take but not happy to share and shes gets so much in comparison to my children. My children are so kind sharing and generous of heart.

What annoyed me more though, I couldn't get anywhere near my husband.
I would put my chair next to H.
The minute i moved she stole my chair. She wouldnt move. She was like a limpet on him rhe whole time. Shes 19 . I dont think its normal to be honest. After 3 days of it, it really got to me. I flipped. He took photos on the holiday. He sent them all to me. Guess what, not 1 photo of me. Its hurtful.

I said to him you dont treat your daughter in the same way you treat my children... Shes steals my food, she doesnt lift a finger to help and i cant get near you. He told her to wash up the next day and pointed out she should leave some of MY food for me but nothing else changed.
I still couldnt sit next to him . It was a group environment so i happily sat elsewhere but when you are in groups of couples with no children with them. Its no fun. I felt alone.

I dont think H should make me feel like that. I think its wrong that he cant manage the situation better
 
It sounds like she is jealous of you being with H all the time when she can't be. I've heard things like this before about teenage daughters being all over Dad and excluding step parent. It's kind of a bit competitive isn't it? Hopefully she'll grow out of that as she gets older and gets her own family. In some ways it's understandable as she hasn't seen him for so long but must feel very annoying. Also three is a bit of an odd number so someone can always feel a bit left out and she wants to make sure it isn't her. It's positive that it went well mostly though. I think it's important not to let her know if something winds you up or she could be contrary and do it more! Teenagers can be horrible sometimes!

I know your kids aren't but they've had a more stable upbringing maybe? And because SD is on holiday she is being spoiled a bit. I shouldn't think she'll come that often so they are making the most of it. Not good that you weren't on any of the photos. But I've found the same myself o our holidays! Mainly because I'm the only one that takes any photos usually lol.
 
I haven’t spent much time with SSs in the past year. Of course I see ESS more often and we talk normally. I can and have asked him to help with certain things in the company, not without reward.
I haven’t spoken to YSS in almost a year, but he has a life in a different country, so it is different. We see each other for lunch or dinner when he comes over, but that’s it.
I have been desensitized to a point of some kind of indifference, so my attention has fully turned to my DDs and my grandchildren.

Sometimes we don’t have a choice. It is the way our SC have been brought up. We can still have fun, but when it’s over it’s over.
Your children are younger, SC too, you can still have some influence

Aside from representing their father’s wife I know I had some impact on all of them just by being me and living my life.
Children watch us and learn from all of us.
They way they eventually choose to live their lives has in some ways our input too.

I wouldn’t worry about our relevance or importance in their lives. They may be slow learners, brainwashed, but are given a glimpse into a different life and most of all different upbringing.

I know it is difficult and sometimes painful to watch this dynamic, but slowly and persistently push your way and make some compromises on the way. Change can’t come over night, sometimes it takes years of undoing.

Don’t torture yourself with what you cannot change right now, but do softly tell his daughter to take her seat, you have prepared this on for yourself. She may have a reaction, but just tell her it’s no big deal she can seat anywhere else and stick with it.
Don’t expect this from your H, he is childsick from not having seen her for so long. Invite her to help you clean the kitchen or set the table, maybe make lunch or bake her favorite cake. That is if you feel like it.
I don’t like to cook, but I did make an effort and still do. It gives them some feeling of normalcy that they may not have at home.

We sometimes think all is well at their home with their mother. It is not, they go through difficult times, they rebel, they fight, trust me, all of it happens.

I know my ESS has told my mother some of what went on. She just told me not all was well and very difficult. She did not want to betray his confidence, which I can respect. We had glimpses of it here and there over the years.

As for H, try not to be too angry with him. What he is doing is a classic reaction to finally spending time with his child, children.

My father was an exception. I sometimes spent more time with my stepmother than him. His job and himself were at the absolute top of his list, than his new family and somewhere after everyone else were we. But than I left my home at 15, standing up to his “methods” and he never really forgave me.

What I am trying to say is, I would gladly have the type of father that would actually want to spend time with me and spoil me a little. With us it was a quick meet up for lunch or dinner followed by meeting his colleagues and doing interviews. Many people were around him looking for his attention, taking him places and he loved the flattery. Me and my sister and my half brother were sidelined.

We live 1000s miles apart, but not that far away and as he gets older, the less attention I can get from him and my stepmother has her hands full with her problems trying to manage my father and enjoy some of her own time.

Distance, especially long term distance does things to relationships and sometimes we run out of time.
I will never experience what your 19 yr old SD has on this visit, as difficult as it may be to watch.

Don’t be surprised if there will come a time when she will want a closer relationship with you.
Her mother has a new man in her life, maybe planning on a new family or having to handle her SC. She will experience all you have or exactly what she needs to.

I had a vision of my life that EFH ruined for me and H took a turn for the worst only recovering now that he is forced to change his lifestyle.

We also lost our beloved cat last week and I could not have imagined how much I would be missing him. It hurts, a lot.

Stay well.
 
Thanks both, yes so sorry for your loss Maya . Thats so sad 😞

I understand in the grand scheme of things that this is a blip, a short period of time. She is going home soon.
I just dont understand why the whole situation always seems to scare the life out of me.

I think everything you have both explained in the last 2 posts is completely true.

Nobody seems to understand when i try to even start to explain just how difficult a situation it is. Im feeling very low today and i cant seem to shake it off. Its never the immediate problem at hand with me. Its my whole life and then some.

I seem to accumulate pain and hurt.
I guess its depression.

I retreated into my shell over the weekend and the people on the trip may have thought i am / was miserable. I dont feel like a single one of them would understand or even try to.

I broached the subject of no photos of me with H, he says hes sorry, he wants to do better. Maybe I am the one who is jealous? I dont know exactly what jealousy is supposed to feel like, i feel hurt that he has put so much effort into SDs visit. Paid for things we cant afford , used his time that he usually uses to chill out.
Came home from work and took her to a beach sunset picnic. To me these are romantic gestures. He does not , has not, never will go that far for our relationship.
I said you take me for granted, he disagrees.

Yes you are right Maya, she is very lucky to have a father who cares so very much about her, maybe that is a part of my problem too, my parents never ever gave me anything like that. The fact that she expects it, takes it and doesn't offer any thanks or gift when she leaves annoys me. Shes buying gifts for herself and to take home to her family. I absolutely know i wont get a thank you. Does anyone like to watch spoilt people? Its right under my nose. She has so much and she keeps asking for more.

But she has reported she believes H and I are living our best lives and that she doesnt want to go home. Thats a positive.

I do wonder if i am justified with the way i feel. I do try to be a positive person. I do act like a positive person mostly. But i have never really been able to people.
I would rather not. Its too painful.
 
It may come as no surprise but we have been told that since our leaving the country Hs mother has rekindled her friendship with EFH!
Apparently she is round there regularly and they are reported to be having a "normal" relationship with each other. How cosy!
Just to remind you MIL had to seek counselling due to the way EFH treated her over Hs divorce 10 years ago. MIL said," i thought she loved me" 🤣
And also told me, when we met, that she couldn't possibly be friends with me due to being too hurt by EFH over her sons divorce.
Crazy 🤪
 
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Thank you, I am slowly accepting he is no longer here, but I feel he is still with me.
He suffered so much and I had to end it. It was a very difficult decision and I had doubts. Could I have done more, was there a medical mistake made. It was so sudden, we were supposed to pick him up, he was there over night for observation and than we got the devastating news. I never really understood the love between animals and humans, until I lost him. It is only now I truly know what he gave me. Unconditionally.

When SSs stayed with us, I was getting daily migraines. It got so bad I had to see a doctor.

I believe I have experienced all the jealousy, hate, bad attitude through the children. SSs just took and demanded and H treated them like fine crystal, untouchable.
I actually had to learn to block my reactions, my subconscious reactions.
I saw, same as you, a completely different approach. I never had that approach towards my DDs and I had a hard time watching it.
You see when SC came for a visit after a long time (EFH immigrated to Switzerland two months after we were married), they were usually so filled with all kinds of negative, especially with the tales about everything being our fault that they projected very negative energy towards us.

On the other hand I was being almost pushed away by them and H and same as you, it caused depression, I kept asking myself if I am jealous, what is wrong with me, but realistically there is not much I could do, except protect yourself.

My way was working on achieving some detachment from all of them and I started sending them out for a pizza or bowling. I had a few peaceful hours to myself and that was a better alternative for me.

Your SD doesn’t visit often, she has her own issues, has been, for a long time, confused by her mother’s attitude towards you and your H. No respect there, she was very probably told “ get out of them as much as you can”.

In my case for example, EFH forgot the skis for a skiing trip we had planned. We than rented them. They also came without gloves, old boots, torn T-shirts, when I saw what the two were wearing it was like having two homeless kids with us and being young enough, they told H that their mother said he would buy new clothes. He didn’t say no, not even I could say no.
In the first year of our marriage we spent approximately 5000 eur (2008) on clothing and some other small stuff.
When I had enough of her bs, I wrote an email to her, a polite one at the time and expressed my concern about badmouthing and the fact I appreciate her children and have made them feel comfortable with my family.
The next time they came, they explained that their mother said that spending money on HER children was my issue, my problem. No thank you, or at least staying silent. No, it was a frontal attack through SSs.
To top it up, they walked in and without saying anything, they said EFH told them I would be paying her 60000 eur and they would inherit money after me.
After that I emailed her and told her not in her wildest dreams and also told her I am ALIVE, just in case she forgot…
I had my migraines… and I couldn’t understand why she had to be so mean.

This is not easy, take the good, block the bad and desensitize. I am talking about your wellbeing. It can drive you to depression, obsessive thinking of what just happened and how unfair everything is and so on, resulting in poor sleep, dissatisfaction with your life low self esteem, you get the picture.
I have been through this and am speaking from experience.

On the other hand, you cannot keep H’s children from him.
What I do now is keep a break on spending, we splurge one day during their stay and I make sure they know I am paying for that “special” event, the rest I leave up to them.
They are than more content with pizzas and home cooked meals and less spending.
Shopping did/does happen, but hopefully once, H has learned to share the costs or just buy one expensive item for each and gave them 50 eur for the duration of the visit to spend, probably still does. I had to stop trying to control this, because it was too much for me. My girls were brought up differently. For now we can afford it, the two of them are grown up and YSS has a steady well payed job. ESS just started work and will get his first paycheck next week, finally.
Just yesterday he asked H for money and H had enough and told him to wait until he gets payed. H has given him so much over the years that he can no longer stand it.
Good, he finally let him know, no more support and ESS than reluctantly got a job. The problem is ESS sees himself as an artist and doesn’t want to loose his artistic ideas because of demanding work.
Yesterday I told him that he may have to look for another job (he is packing tobacco), because that one may be a bit bellow his level of education and capacity, but until than he has to keep going.
He actually admitted to me that this was a very grounding lesson and he had a very rough wake-up call into reality. He is still a very confused young man with too many ideas and no focus, but at least he started.

It is not just you, same pathology is present in many extended families. You have to deal with issues that you never wanted, never foreseen, never anticipated. We marry the man, try our best with his children, try to get along with in-laws and even ex wives.
It doesn’t always work, that is why we end up here if we are lucky.
In a way you really are quite lucky to be far away and for the most part lead your own life. After this visit H will probably feel better too, so don’t go after him, but express that hopefully you won’t be so pushed away and his kids will participate more in the normal activities and chores next time. Also propose a budget and make sure they get spending money up front, not daily, it looks better, more, arrange for one shopping trip and plan where you go and how much you can spend. This can really turn into money draining experience if you don’t.
You can even start budgeting now, but absolutely not as much as for your children, they have their mother at home and alimony.
Be soft, but decisive.

You will end up making most of the plans in terms of spending and give them some alone time. They probably need it and you need timeout to avoid too much tension and headaches.

Don’t feel guilty about feeling you have had enough, because spending time together once a year or less is stressful no matter how much you may care.
Everything is easier when it is in smaller doses and some consistency. Than you are used to one another and things are a lot less intense.

Hope you can get something out of this.
 
Noodle said:
Thanks both, yes so sorry for your loss Maya . Thats so sad 😞

I understand in the grand scheme of things that this is a blip, a short period of time. She is going home soon.
I just dont understand why the whole situation always seems to scare the life out of me.

I think everything you have both explained in the last 2 posts is completely true.

Nobody seems to understand when i try to even start to explain just how difficult a situation it is. Im feeling very low today and i cant seem to shake it off. Its never the immediate problem at hand with me. Its my whole life and then some.

I seem to accumulate pain and hurt.
I guess its depression.

I retreated into my shell over the weekend and the people on the trip may have thought i am / was miserable. I dont feel like a single one of them would understand or even try to.

I broached the subject of no photos of me with H, he says hes sorry, he wants to do better. Maybe I am the one who is jealous? I dont know exactly what jealousy is supposed to feel like, i feel hurt that he has put so much effort into SDs visit. Paid for things we cant afford , used his time that he usually uses to chill out.
Came home from work and took her to a beach sunset picnic. To me these are romantic gestures. He does not , has not, never will go that far for our relationship.
I said you take me for granted, he disagrees.

Yes you are right Maya, she is very lucky to have a father who cares so very much about her, maybe that is a part of my problem too, my parents never ever gave me anything like that. The fact that she expects it, takes it and doesn't offer any thanks or gift when she leaves annoys me. Shes buying gifts for herself and to take home to her family. I absolutely know i wont get a thank you. Does anyone like to watch spoilt people? Its right under my nose. She has so much and she keeps asking for more.

But she has reported she believes H and I are living our best lives and that she doesnt want to go home. Thats a positive.

I do wonder if i am justified with the way i feel. I do try to be a positive person. I do act like a positive person mostly. But i have never really been able to people.
I would rather not. Its too painful.
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I think it is very positive that SD has said you're living your "best lives" and she doesn't want to go home. This is so much better than her being openly hostile with you. It sounds like she accepts you're an important part of OH's life and is being quite mature about that kind of thing.

It's also entirely understandable that you feel hurt by all the special attention she is getting from OH. It would be nice if SD appreciated both of you (maybe she does?) but the reality is he is her Dad and she will feel closer to him. I get the same thing. Dad comes first. But SS is good with both of us (mostly!).

I also feel relegated to second at times by OH. But again the reality is he feels responsible for his child, and adult relationships often do get well beyond the "romantic" phase. Maybe after SD has gone, it would be the time to suggest rekindling some of the romantic things and suggest you both have a date night once a week? No doubt he will end up talking about SD a lot on the date nights! But it might start to gradually improve things.
 
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