SD here at the moment

This is not easy, take the good, block the bad and desensitize. I am talking about your wellbeing. It can drive you to depression, obsessive thinking of what just happened and how unfair everything is and so on, resulting in poor sleep, dissatisfaction with your life low self esteem, you get the picture.
I have been through this and am speaking from experience.
Click to expand...
Thank you both. This is exactly how i feel. You clearly express the emotions i am suffering. Im not sure how to make things better for myself but i will try.
Its the feeling nothing i have ever done or will do is ever enough.
I guess it will settle down after SD returns home.
It has in fact been positive. SD has apologised to me which has showm maturity and was appreciated.
She says she can see 2 sides to the story.
She said its hard to see the good in me when everyone at home speaks badly of me!
Well this we knew.
So a bridge has been built.
Watching H make so many decisions and plans for his DD has been difficult. I spoke to a friend and she says its not jealousy but ir is perceived as jealousy by others because of the situation.
I do in fact feel invisible.
But i feel like that a lot. SD being here proves that H can make thoughtful plans. Once she has gone, there will be no more thoughtful plans. For example i simply asked this morning if i could take some of his time for a chat.
He had a brief conversation then got on his phone and asked where i would like to walk the dog.
Im not having a conversation with a man who has his head in his phone. He can make a million plans for his DD but i have to decide where to walk the dog.
It may sound trivial but i have been ignored whilst SD is here.
I really do need to find my own ways to fill my voids.
Thank you both so much for raking the time to respond. It means so very much to me to be heard x
 
I'm a little late to this thread but I really empathise with you Noodle. I moved countries to be with my partner and I never got so sick in my life as the first two years I was in Canada. 24 styes pretty much back to back for over a year, long Covid re a cough that I still have today, a stint in an ambulance then days in bed. I'd never been sick in pretty much the 18 years before in the UK so it was so weird and stressful. My body telling me the stress of dealing with him and his lack of boundaries with his ex's (he has two - both with children) in a new country was too much. The physical body is a fascinating register for mental health.

But back to your situation. Ugh its really hard when you have a stressful dynamic. Let me give you a couple of my humble thoughts.

* The MIL becoming friendly with the ex again (sorry I don't know all the acronyms re what they mean - ESS, EFH, YSS, DD, SC??? - I can guess but not sure I am guessing correctly). That has happened to me exactly. So I've had to take a step back from his mother now as I just need to distance myself. Its hurtful and I don't understand it as this particular ex trapped him with a baby he didn't want 6 months into a relationship (after his wife had an affair) and she then treated him like a slave for the next 12 years and treated his other children like slaves whilst doing things like giving breakfast in bed to her daughter every single day for years and years. This 2nd ex is (I think) a covert narcissist so its really difficult to call her out on her incredibly manipulative and controlling behaviour. So when the MIL becomes friends with her again (the ex broke her foot and the first person she called was my partners mother to come and look after her for a week - my partners mother is 80). She actually wanted my partner to come and look after her (despite us having been together for 4 year at that stage). SOoooo - detach and detach and detach. The MIL is probably doing it as she wants to still be relevant and needed. And the ex is doing it to manipulate you and your hubby.

* The SD - mhmmmmm I have three and two are from the ex wife and older (and lovely) and then the younger who is 15 from the ex partner I mentioned above. This younger one doesn't lift a finger in the house and I really struggle with it. She has been given everything by her mum (and my partner to a lesser extent) and her mum is very successful in telecoms and very well connected to wealthy people. This means she is very very spoilt. I really struggle with it but now when she doesn't clean up after herself (which is always), she doesn't do her own washing and has only just started making her own food for lunches - I let my partner do it. I will happily clean and cook for him as he pays all the rent and bills whilst I try and set up my business here, but I do not run around after her but let him do it. LIke you, if we go away on holiday (as we just did over Easter) she becomes VERY clingy with her dad but I think this is more as her dad tends to favour her older sister (she's very cool and they have a VERY close relationship which initially actually did make me jealous/insecure). Again I've had to go and make sure I get my own space as otherwise I would lose it with him and thats not fair on him. The 15 year old we have 50% of the time and she gets very stroppy when her older sister is around as she gets very jealous and so the game playing she does if very difficult to witness and not say anything. So I go on long walks with the dog and I actually go to the bar or coffee shops so I get some distance. My partner hates it but I have to protect my heart and my sanity.

* HIs family still being overly friendly with the ex partner (not the ex wife who they hate but actually I get on well with). They invited his ex partner, knowing she has been just awful to me for years, to his sisters sons wedding. This ex hadn't seen or been in contact with this nephew of my partners for over 5 years. It was SO weird and so bloody hurtful and my partner asked her not to be invited. He only has one sister and she said 'its not our call'. Which was a big fat fib!! I struggle as I do like her but found it so disrespectful to my partner (he agrees but its his only sibling so he won't say anything). So again I havre just distanced myself. I can't say anything about this ex to his sibling as she just clams up and protects his ex.


Anyways not sure that helps or hinders but I really do empathise with you. And feel your pain and frustration. Keep talking with you husband, gently and firmly re the boundaries that should be in place but as everyone else said this is so new that a few allowances for this reconciliation can be made. Go do something beautiful for yourself!!!
 
Three SD's with different Mothers :oops: Even if two are good it only takes one! The youngest one is clearly mirroring her Mother and there is bound to be some sibling rivalry I guess.

That is great advice though :-) I think with MIL's and families - they want to keep up contact with the kids so they get in with the kids Mothers. Maybe like your SIL's wedding - they wanted the kids at the wedding and felt they couldn't ask the kids without their Mothers (or the Mothers wouldn't let them go if they weren't invited). Things like weddings and other big family events are always really difficult. Detach big time. And look stunning.
 
Esme said:
Three SD's with different Mothers :oops: Even if two are good it only takes one! The youngest one is clearly mirroring her Mother and there is bound to be some sibling rivalry I guess.

That is great advice though :) I think with MIL's and families - they want to keep up contact with the kids so they get in with the kids Mothers. Maybe like your SIL's wedding - they wanted the kids at the wedding and felt they couldn't ask the kids without their Mothers (or the Mothers wouldn't let them go if they weren't invited). Things like weddings and other big family events are always really difficult. Detach big time. And look stunning.
Click to expand...
Oh good grief I spent SO much time on the outfit I would wear to that bloody wedding 😆. And yes like Noodles situation I think the SD emulates the mothers feelings around the sibling that they both were very jealous of. I get on really well with her but that is also so much about me biting my tongue (and she's younger than Noodles situation too).

Absolutely re MILs. Thats a big part of it re she wants contact with her grandchildren and the ex wife (the first one) really hindered Grandma seeing her kids. So with the ex partner she makes an over-effort with her so she gets full access. BUT my partner has 50/50 time with that daughter and always has had so its still very weird that she prioritises the ex that treated her son like shyte?! As does his sister? I just don't get it as my parents (who are dead how) and siblings would never ever do that.

Hopefully Noodle is feeling better this week having courageously got through the time with the SD.
 
LostinCanada...hi !

Its never to late to join in as far as im concerned. So thank you much appreciated 🥰

I agree 💯 per cent that my physical health is a representation of how i am feeling mentally. Not had migraine attacks for years then SD arrives and BAM! 2 bad headaches in 1 week. Im very aware that these seem like trivial problems to some people but I cant help the way I feel. I was diagnosed with Myofacscial Pain Syndrome in 2007 but i firmly believe its fibromyalgia and i just dont cope very well with my emotions they seem more painful these days.

I agree with you about the MIL i just dont get it. But i have said in previous posts, its a women thing. So when H was married to EFH , ex and MIL enjoyed hating each other...after H gets divorced and meets me , I then become the object of both of these vile womens attention...they just need to hate, they have me in common, my mother was the same, not happy unless she has someone to bad mouth, its what some people are like. So obviously EFH hates me (we know that can be normal) and MIL joins in because lets face it, how many mothers enjoy tearing strips off their daughter in laws! Manipulation indeed!
Apparently MIL has plans to visit this year, i will be making zero effort to join in with that one. SD is a different kettle of fish.

Yeah, shes quite lazy, H has paid zero attention to the house work since SD arrived. I feel i have to do it for him as hes working and at the moment I am not.
You have SO much more on your plate, Im not sure how I would manage your situation but seemingly some of the relationships are good which is a good thing and a relief!

Life gets so messy sometimes.

I think the worst thing for me is i feel invisible. People just dont understand or even try to understand. For example I said to a friend last night, something about MIL having cosied up with ex wife, my friends response is ,"oh thats fine, dont worry about that" because its fine in her world that her ex partners mother still talks to her after her husband cheated on her. Just because its fine in your world it doesnt mean its fine in my world....she dismissed my rant and my feelings as if i was just babbling, she then proceeded to talk to me for 40 minutes about how incompetent her work colleagues are....if there was a bridge nearby, i think i would have jumped off it 🙄

Thats why i have to be in this group where people have experienced the same issues. It really helps me.

I definitely get the message to detach..im gonna try harder, H makes it difficult, he has fairy tale family in his head, no idea why, but i think its just his head in the sand.

Im trying to do something beautiful for me. Its just finding it thats the problem. Thank you so much for your response, every response helps me and i am so very grateful 🥰❤️
 
Yes people who aren't in these situations don't quite get it do they? I never liked my first MIL she tried to control so much. Awful woman. Long after I was divorced she sent a very rude letter to my parents when my ex got married again, gloating and bad mouthing me and telling them she was going to cut contact now. They were quite upset. Petty nasty woman. People who contact you to tell you they are going to cut contact, in an unpleasant way, instead of just quietly disappearing, are the pits. However I know my ex H blamed her for the marriage ending so I bet she wasn't a happy woman and was just being spiteful. It would have been different if she sent me a nasty letter, but to send it to my parents! Years afterwards. I think they had stayed on Christmas card terms after my divorce. My ex H and I were still on reasonably friendly terms for about 10 years, at a distance and she also told my parents she didn't approve of our contact! And was putting a stop to it now he was getting married again. I kind of thought we would stop being in contact, even though it was infrequent, if he met someone else at some point but actually felt sorry for him that his Mother was controlling him still. She's probably no longer alive now as his parents were much older than mine. MIL's don't live forever 🤣 Sorry I know that's an awful thing to say, but, she won't be in your hair forever.
 
Yes, it is awful 😎, but when people hurt you and try to destroy the life you built, we don’t have to be nice. I hate to pretend, I feel fake and I am honest in admitting that my departed MIL was so hateful towards me and working on breaking up our marriage that sometimes I wished she would just go, stop, couldn’t take it any more.
She apologized a few years before she died, but it was very late, probably too late for me to feel anything. I never trusted her, not even after she died. I know it sounds crazy, but it was very true. Now I don’t feel anything.
Sister in law SIL - the last thing she said to me was, your H-her brother doesn’t love you and he is going to divorce you.
Than they did everything in their power to make me look bad and a nasty lawsuit followed with permanent damage to any semblance to having a relationship.
So again detach. Go out with friends go shopping, take classes, check out new designs for home or just walk, read, audiobooks are fun to listen, see a movie, learn to be on your own for a few hours and force yourself to move. Clean the dishes or take off, don’t dwell.

My H also makes plans for his younger son when he comes for a rare visit.
As far as we go, I haven’t been to a movie for years, very rarely has he put out an idea, a plan.
He told me quite a few times, tell me what to do and I will, tell me what you want…, I found this attitude hurtful, now I just say let’s go there and do this.
At the moment my marriage is a sort of stable, certain things happen that rocked H’s world and he had to stop with his destructive lifestyle. I was about to divorce him.
We have divided all assets and have signed a contract with the notary about disinheriting each other, so I have mine and he has his and I am finally free to do as I please. I can sell whatever I want and the money I get from it is mine.
I am the more well off in this partnership. I also no longer have to tell him anything about how I manage my finances.
In that sense we are financially divorced and I feel so much better. He held his part of the deal and signed over the cottage I bought in both of our names with the money I saved before we were married.
It was a huge issue for me in this marriage because H has allowed himself to be financially drained by his older unemployed son and spent too much money on himself.
Now he won’t be able to come home and say I need this much money because my brothers said I have to invest in the house that wasn’t even his at the time. I had to say no and equally he applied pressure on me because his family decided this should be done. It was making me crazy, I felt I was being a hostage, now I made it very clear that no one will inherit anything after me except my Daughters.
Finally I feel safer.
I regret to say the money issue went so far I felt like being married to the enemy.
I can get close to H and yet I feel detached. Too much has happened with no boundaries, being exploited for money (or we will make sure he will leave you), I am now safe from ant attempts to grab money from me should he die. We will no longer function as a couple, but more like business partners, IF we decide to tackle ant projects together. All the paperwork will be done prior, so no more manipulation.

I have put my apartment on the market and am looking into buying a house. The purchase will be made in my name only and stay that way. It is not a prenup, but a complete division of assets. The notary asked if we were getting a divorce. If so, I only have to file it if he won’t sign it right off. I am now free of obligation to him as he is to me. We will be together only by choice and no longer because of work connection or any purchases.

sadly this was for me the biggest issue and allowed my husband to behave in a manner he never should have. Now I don’t need him any longer. If he wants, he can leave.

Before I couldn’t sell the cottage, I was afraid of selling my flat and moving, I was afraid he may try and get money from my company. Now all he can get is a paycheck or get fired and divorced. That comes in a package.
I am done suffering. He was a very good worker and a spineless, but nice husband.
Until he was neither. I have replacement for him at work and nothing connects me to him.

I hope none of you ever need to be as independent, but dividing assets and disinheriting is done quite frequently in second marriages. I didn’t know, the notary told us. I wish I would have done it years ago, but I had no backup at work and he abused his position.
I will see what will happen now. With a future so uncertain I had/have to find safety for myself.
In reality it shows up as doing things I have avoided, taking better care of my home, starting to clear the space and hopefully leaving the past behind.
I guess it was my cat passing, that also shook me and opened my eyes to how alone I am in reality. He was always with me and cuddled whenever he could and it gave me a feeling of warmth.
If this marriage or what is left of it won’t give me that, than I will move on from that too.
I am no longer afraid, or as afraid, I don’t know yet. I let all the parasites around me know I’ve had enough. EFH-the vile ex wife and my H’s family have been informed. I will never, ever have to listen to how much I have to pay, ever.

Some other points I wanted to add:
If you are financially stable and well enough off, that type of people will try and abuse you.
If you are not for example employed, they will use that against you.
You must remember it is not you, it is how they feel around you. Threatened, jealous, envious.
They have no boundaries, or to put it mildly are very adaptable.

They will praise anyone with money and connections to high society. So if you act like a total snob and are related to the cream of society, they will befriend you eventually, because they can say, oh my ex daughter in law DIL is this and that and my granddaughter is related to…, so that they can pretend to be relevant more than you or others.
Money and power is extremely tempting.
 
You have certainly had difficult times Maya. Difficult people. Why do people have to be so bloody selfish?

Im definitely working on detaching, finding time for myself, my own interests, something to distract me from the noise.
As far as we go, I haven’t been to a movie for years, very rarely has he put out an idea, a plan.
He told me quite a few times, tell me what to do and I will, tell me what you want…, I found this attitude hurtful, now I just say let’s go there and do this.
Click to expand...
This is exactly what i get.... so i do tell him what I want to do, he doesnt do it! It is very hurtful and makes a person feel very unimportant. If H can manage to find creative romantic things to do with SD then why cant he do that for me? Ive realised that I am not a priority in his life.
Its sad that you had to go to such lengths to feel safe Maya. Nothing romantic about having to safegaurd yourself. But it makes you feel safe and that is worth so much.
This is something i do not have. I wish i was financially stable but the truth is I have nothing and neither does H. Hs parents have money, so Im told, I dont really care. He has a few siblings . You may recall she told me , just before we left for abroad, she has changed her will!!! The utter distaste to imagine that I want anything from them! I most certainly do not want anything from them but you can bet your life she will have put something in the will to ensure in the event of Hs death it goes to his children. Thats if she has even left her son in the will.
So no unfortunately nothing attractive to grab hold of where I am concerned. Such shallow people.
H has the money coming from the sale of the house shortly and its not a lot. Other than that we live off our wages and small amount of savings. EFH seems to think H is loaded but hes not at all. Thats why they have enjoyed sending SD over here and now the table has completely turned and they seem eager to send SS over so he can get his moneys worth too.
It has been all about money the whole time.
I had a dream a few nights ago that i was somewhere with someone from my past and i really felt like i belonged there. I cant tell you how disappointed i felt when i woke up.
 
Those kind of dreams can get to you. I had one where I was with my parents recently (both deceased) and felt sad when I woke up that that wasn't possible any more. But at the same time, glad I'd had that dream with them in - if that makes sense.

Maybe you could write a book and make a fortune :-) And do whatever you want :-) Be self sufficient. I've day dreamed about that a few times. I did have a book in the pipeline about 20 years ago. It got put on hold because I had to survive etc - I thought - maybe I'll finish it when I retire. Now I'm not sure I can retire! We have a teenager to get through college.
 
I am sorry you feel so left out. H often doesn’t feel like doing what I propose and tells me to call a friend. I guess I am so used to it by now I hardly register.
We can be home and I am in one place, he is in the other place. For hours. It used to really bother me, but it seems that this is a way to enrich your own life singularity.

Some men are very inclusive or bossy, depending on how you interpret it and propose where to go all the time. That is not for me at all.
So I had to settle for what I have.

I think you have to accept that just maybe you are the type of personality that pulls the wagon, a leader. And that is a good thing.
So your H may be waiting for your input and you have time for your own hobbies.
My H loves his guitars and plays them and repairs them, is in his room often. Lives music.
I like psychology and read a lot about all kinds of mental issues, I am in a different world. I also enjoyed designing and equipping our home, so now it’s time for us to move and start over.
I would like to paint more and spend time with my grandchildren.

Before we had to deal with all kinds of lawsuits, I was the one writing material for our layer, looking for documents, in a reluctant way it became my hobby. I know it sounds horrible, but we had 6 all together.

Now that era is hopefully over and I need a change, a break from all of it and do something else.

I got caught in a vacuumed and I’ll and was pretty miserable.

My advice would be, cherish the good romantic moments and do you and your children.

I was so entangled in the lawsuits, my DDs grew up and I was there for them the way I should have been. Don’t miss that opportunity.

I resented H for taking up so much of my life.

We have to reinvent or change in some way many times over our life and try all kinds of things.

Hope you feel better soon. You have a lot of change going on in your life too. From extreme hate to now a total flip in the other direction and you have to find your way in this new situation with finances and how you will be spending your time with H’s kids.
A lot has changed for you and I know how you feel, seeing an extreme of reconnecting going on. It is quite the standard that dads want to make it up to their children and forget anything and everything around them.
But that will balance out eventually.

Yes, I feel free now. I was not afraid of H, but everyone around him.
 
I firmly believe that my husband loves his daughter more than he loves me.
Sunset beach picnics and matching tattoos......
I just cant compete....
 
Don't feel despondent. It's a different relationship. And I'm sure an awful lot of Stepmums feel that sometimes. When Dads don't see their children that much and then they do, it's like you're invisible. I used to get that a lot in the early days. And I used to stand there and say - hey excuse me, I'm feeling left out - I'm not invisible. Then they'd both be extra nice to me. But that was with a young child. It's much harder with a female teenager.

All I can say is it's a different kind of love. Couples get into ruts and take each other for granted. It's a kind of love, just moseying along and knowing each other are there. OH is probably over the moon to see his daughter, thinking he had lost her. But he doesn't seem to be able to involve you in that somehow. A sunset beach picnic is the Dad in him - presumably it's less hot at sunset. It might sound romantic (and wouldn't it be nice) but it's not really, because it's his daughter. Matching tattoos - he's reverting to being a teenager himself.

I think when SD has gone you could maybe say - that sunset beach picnic was a great idea - I think we should do it ourselves.
 
I feel so incredibly mentally ill but i feel invisible
He called me selfish last night for leaving the bedroom to take time out because hes so indifferent towards me
Im not selfish, i just spent 4 weeks with a spoilt princess under my roof he has the nerve to call me selfish? Im not even angry, i just dont want to be with him anymore
 
I have just spent 4 weeks unable to speak freely in my own home or so i thought but to be honest, truth is, i can never really speak freely. If i vent my husband closes me down. My feelings are not valid.
 
On the day of the matching tattoos i texted , please could you bring me some flowers home, yes i was feeling insecure..
He completely ignored my text and further said i will never succumb to your demands of flowers, i havent had any since he picked me wild daisies in the field before our wedding gotta be 5 years ago.
I think im done with him
So much in-between the lines
Almost incestuous
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top