Recovering and reinventing myself and my marriage

I haven’t forgiven him. It was all too difficult. I suppressed my memory, but subconsciously it was there.
I lost a lot of respect for him and that is showing on both sides. I just needed to survive and forgetting was the best way. Now it’s back.
Hope therapy helps and some respect returns into our marriage.
You can still love someone, but…
 
It sounds like you have had an awful lot of stuff happen in the past. You've mentioned it a number of times and it sounds like it's still affecting you and hard to move on from. Is that because it's related to H and he still has stuff going on?

I know what you mean though - if these things have affected you badly, it's hard to recover from the stress and trauma of it. I tend to deal with things like that by thinking - that is the past. It's been and gone. But if it's something directly to do with you and H it hasn't been and gone - maybe some things were buried so you could carry on, and then they can come out in strange ways, like ill health. Then it helps to notice - what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse? Forgetting about some things helps in the present - but if they affected trust, then your level of trust and knowing certain things, does make life feel different.

Is the stuff to do with H all about other people? Or more to do with the two of you and things he has done and said?

It's not a cure-all but I sometimes think a holiday is very good medicine, recharges your batteries and helps you think more clearly and confidently about certain situations. Then you either accept them but have a degree of wariness about certain things - or you decide they are unacceptable. If something is unacceptable then that leads to - what am I going to do about it? If you decide there is nothing to do about it, or doing something about it would mean such major changes to your life that you don't want - then maybe that comes back to small changes in your daily life.

Small changes can lead gradually to bigger ones.

I had grief counselling after my Dad died and one thing that came out of it towards the end was - sometimes it just won't get better, and will always be there like a big black hole. He did an exercise with me which ended up with drawing larger and larger circles around the big black hole. Those circles are you expanding your life and doing new things and progressing. The black hole may always be there at times, but your life can be built on and become fuller.

That is all just words, but just starting one new, different thing can sometimes bring a different direction. Something you do on your own maybe. If you're still working hard as well, you maybe don't get enough time for something you do for yourself?
 
I had and still have a headache, a start of a migraine and I was angry, desperate and without motivation and most of all tired. This doesn’t happen everyday or even often, but it’s happening now.
I feel I need to understand why he didn’t disclose this to me and how was he so blind. He explained that he not comprehend in his wildest dreams that this could happen with his in-laws, as hot EFH, it was the same.
How come he only mentions his brothers, when his sister is the one who initiated all the evil. Quietly, subtly convinced the others H is under my influence, I am after his money and they have to destroy him and get rid of me.
Why is he still protecting the perpetrators?
That kill’s me sometimes and I am working through it or maybe there is another underlying cause for all this.
It is not my normal, something pushed me over the edge.
It is not so much an issue between us, it is more my problem.
He has said enough and is dealing with it in his own way, which is not my way.

I know I felt free once I told/wrote EFH what I think of her.
I am tempted to do the same with H’s sister, but we will have to work with his brothers around the house. I would copy them all in and it would be polite, but to the point.
No reason was ever given why sil changed her mind and we already invested by then.
H felt sore for her, she really is the master of manipulation.
And because I don’t trust H, he could decide himself to get rid of me, I can’t be sure. This is the hole I am in trying to recover some dignity.

It is a bit of all that you describe and at my age I cannot live like this any more.
 
Would you be able to go away for a week on your own? Or would work prevent that? Just for some rest and recuperation? H might decide he doesn't like it when you're away.
 
I have been through a patch where I thought OH was trying to get rid of me as well. With others causing pressure on him that came between us. Sometimes time lets things pass and during that time you need to protect your heart and mind. It sounds cliche’d but you need to love yourself and take yourself outside of the situation either mentally or physically (eg a holiday).
 
I also find things harder now I have no parents - when they were there in the background you always knew you had unconditional love. Do you have any pets by the way?
 
Going back to your first message. To be able to forgive you need a) an apology b) an explanation of how things will be different.
 
No I can’t, had to take 2 days off, I couldn’t work because of the headache, couldn’t concentrate.
I have a lot to do.
I am getting along with H, it’s the past that haunts me and the rest. I wouldn’t want to be alone without him.
It’s a bit difficult to explain. I am dealing with what happened and this is strictly on me. I don’t have a current problem with H, he is taking care of me while I recover. Meaning we have our issues, but not significant. I am not at my best, neither is he, but we get on.
But in the background all of what I have described is active and I have to make peace with it. Find a way to forgive and move on.
 
Esme said:
Going back to your first message. To be able to forgive you need a) an apology b) an explanation of how things will be different.
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I have gotten them, but as I said I am an erupting volcano trying not to explode. This is on me not on H. We can’t change the past.
He said he put the document out of his mind, he signed it in hope to get back with her and as years passed they did not. He told me he felt like he was punished by EFH and yet he didn’t really feel divorced. Every time he met someone she would make a scene and he would leave.
Not in our case, we only notified everyone 3 days prior to our wedding and she did make a big scene on Valentine’s Day and then just as someone I dated left and returned. It was at the beginning and of coarse I was hurt, but I wasn’t entirely done with my than ex emotionally. So I accepted some issues still needed to be resolved.
It never happened later on. I am not a perfect person and I did meet with my ex and had to decide what I wanted.
H was very good to all of us, still is, it just doesn’t impress me, I consider it normal. He also has a dark side, same as me.
 
My relationship with h is very up and down and I see now that he is up and down.
I have to consider all options now. But first have to resolve the working relationship.
He knows I depend on him and he has me by the balls. Pardon my language. I no longer think this has a connection to all that has happened, or maybe it does and our relationship is broken to the point of me enduring it or letting it go.
I guess that is the harsh reality I have to face.
Enduring a relationship is torture at times. The trust is almost gone.
No couples therapy has worked and he is saying I need it, he doesn’t have any problems.
I won’t change him, it will only get worse.
 
It sounds like you need some space from him to rebuild your confidence a bit perhaps.
 
Maya this sounds really awful and upsetting. I don't know all the details, but I am wondering if he is taking control after the divorce and remarriage. I am remembering my first serious boyfriend. We had been an item for three years and it just wasn't going anywhere. All our friends were getting married. He always said he didn't want to have children and naiively I thought he'd change his mind if we got married. There was no sign of it progressing and after a long walk one night I decided to call it a day. I told him and he begged and cried and got on his knees and begged me not to end it. This went on for hours and I gave in and he promised we would get engaged. Shortly afterwards, when I was away visiting my parents for Christmas (he was working), I came back two weeks later to find not only was I dumped but he had got engaged to his previous girlfriend - the one he dumped three years earlier.

It was a lucky escape as he was an extremely selfish person. But I had a bad time for months as it was so unpleasant. He just wanted to be in control and be the one to do the dumping. All our mutual friends stuck with me and he was somewhat isolated and I ended up moving away and starting a new career about 9 months later. Years later that woman divorced him for being unfaithful and I think he remained single after that.

Now I'm not saying your H is going to do that, but it's about their ego and keeping control and making sure you don't have the power to do that again (ie divorce him) if he has done something that means you now can't leave. If it's financial - I think there will be a way round it. If it's that you just now feel trapped. You can always leave, but it takes some distance and space from them to see clearly.

You may not want to leave having just made a committment again but having some time and space away from may help you heal a bit. Is there somewhere you can go for a bit of a holiday on your own? Even just a long week-end. Friends you can stay with?
 
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Have only the good H and more energy and a new capable, motivated coworker.
My cabin all finished looking great, at least unstressed relations with in-laws, including mine, healthy friend, go out more often to theater, movies and dinners. Not have celiac disease and be on top of the world, highly motivated, do tons of thing successfully, go to Kawaii in the winter and ski. I do ski, haven’t done so in recent years.
I think I have everything else. Another grandchild by my YDD.
And also that my kids would be happy and well off. But they have what they wanted for the most part.
And win the Jackpot😎.

Btw, ESS announced that he will put in an application for art teacher, just have to finish his masters this year and that is great too.

My son in law has decided to go for a tourist guide along with his job, where he can regulate hours and take more time off and of coarse earn some too.

I’ve had a better day today, tired but, better.
Some of the above is realistic, some not. Most of all I just want H to be normal and a lot happier than he seemed to be in the past. And nicer to me, without mood swings and tension. That part I can’t even think about anymore, he was disgusting.

And thank you for supporting me in my struggles.
 
More energy and a new capable co worker could be achievable :-) If OH is the problem draining your energy. Although I realise these things are complex. Are you business partners?
 
I think we could all relate Maya.
Life is so difficult. Relationships are never easy. I dont have any answers for you but I think its good to identify our own needs in order to perhaps take steps to achieve them.
We cant fix other people. We can try and fix how we respond to other people and point out our own needs and boundaries.
People fall into patterns of behaviour that they are not even aware of. Its almost like we are programmed to behave in a certain way. Its very difficult to break out of these patterns due to personality traits and experience.
Its very hard to knock down personal and external walls once built.
All we do is continue to try and learn from our experiences and slowly chip away at ourselves and others.
Small rewards for occasional success sometimes. At least we keep trying.
Men react to life differently than women in my experience.
So proud and unemotional. Wont admit weakness. Its not my fault its yours.
They dont even know why half the time.
Very complex
 
Esme said:
More energy and a new capable co worker could be achievable :) If OH is the problem draining your energy. Although I realise these things are complex. Are you business partners?
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No, it’s mine. Although he is a very vital part of the company and takes care of maintenance and installations.
And he is good at it, better than most.
 
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