Recovering and reinventing myself and my marriage

Member ID5: "I've never been happy single and last weekend made me realise that when the kids all grow up and move out I will need my DHs companionship and friendship even more and it made me appreciate what I have with him and realise that I do take him for granted and focus on the wrong things sometimes. I'm pretty sure he takes me for granted too though x"

Amen to that, Member ID5. I was on my own (bar the odd boyfriend), after my divorce for almost 15 years! Yes, I had a long term "relationship" for 7 years but realised that I was never going to mean very much to him and when I got the opportunity to radically change my life by doing a masters degree, I took it. Several years later, when I met DH, we just knew and even though I have had some heartache from his EFH and SS's, I have always known that in the end he was my one and only, and the rest is just part of life's rubbish. Not that it is easy, but put it all into perspective. One day being with someone who really knows you and is there for you will mean everything.
 
And that is something to focus on :-) I was also on my own for about 12 years after divorce, apart from the odd relationship that wasn't going anywhere, and got very independent!
 
I have been single for 14 yrs prior to meeting H.

I never understood that we are two individuals with our own lives, not in the way I do now.

The older I get, the more I miss what I once had (I was quite outgoing) I will try to softly revive it and invite him. Hope it works.
Our children are all grown up and we need to find more things we can do together.
I guess marriage is an evolving thing and different phases of life bring about different needs.

I haven’t always appreciated H and have seen his downside more than the good. At one point I just couldn’t take any more of his style of life and all the conflicts, lawsuits. It broke me down and I never saw him in the same light. He was also in a bad place and he dragged me down with him. I could have easily left him at that time, but I stayed.
I was depending on him at work and at home. It was pretty much occasional hell for me.

I have learned that we have different needs and that no matter how long we have been together, our marriage still needs work and novelty.

Day to day can be draining and having fun together is important. This is not on H, it is on me too. My focus was very much on just working and doing and not enough on talking time off.
Now I am the one who misses it most.
 
Maya said:
I have been single for 14 yrs prior to meeting H.

I never understood that we are two individuals with our own lives, not in the way I do now.

The older I get, the more I miss what I once had (I was quite outgoing) I will try to softly revive it and invite him. Hope it works.
Our children are all grown up and we need to find more things we can do together.
I guess marriage is an evolving thing and different phases of life bring about different needs.

I haven’t always appreciated H and have seen his downside more than the good. At one point I just couldn’t take any more of his style of life and all the conflicts, lawsuits. It broke me down and I never saw him in the same light. He was also in a bad place and he dragged me down with him. I could have easily left him at that time, but I stayed.
I was depending on him at work and at home. It was pretty much occasional hell for me.

I have learned that we have different needs and that no matter how long we have been together, our marriage still needs work and novelty.

Day to day can be draining and having fun together is important. This is not on H, it is on me too. My focus was very much on just working and doing and not enough on talking time off.
Now I am the one who misses it most.
Click to expand...
At least you feel like putting some effort in. Its important. Some people wouldn't even try. 🙄
Do you like going on holidays together?
What do you think made you feel less outgoing?
Do you feel the drama of the EFH broke you down? Its devastating the effect that all the drama has upon us. No need for it really. But yes , this is your time now, you deserve to have good times and lots of fun x
 
Yes I do think EFH drama and H’s reaction at the time has deeply affected me and our relationship.
I felt unprotected, I felt worth less, it preoccupied my life, you have to remember there were 5 lawsuits, one against my DD, threats and no support for our marriage from his family. No support for me. Their objective was to get rid of me. It affected every aspect of my life including my relationship with DDs. I couldn’t be trusted, I married into a family that wanted to harm them and I couldn’t protect my own daughters from getting hurt. My own mother turned that against me and being an EFH herself, her view was that H and his ex wife have a relationship I have no right to be involved in or judge them. She openly said that EFH has a right to H. I guess it is her own lifelong frustration. My sister was the same and doesn’t even talk to me, my father lives in NYC, so that’s it for me.
To be fair my mother did change her attitude after seeing me suffer for years.

We were newly weds and everything just went from bad to worse. H was very confused, felt guilty for marrying me. I was lost, didn’t understand the pathology behind it and it lasted for years.
I got very sick and was very depressed and so disillusioned. My mind simply blocked parts of that past, so years went by, and suddenly I realized we were married for 15 years and yet I had to experience the good in our relationship as far as feelings go.
H was also sued over inheritance and settled after Covid which was this year in February. And the same depression and feelings of being betrayed surfaced like they have never before on H’s side. I tried to keep away, but it was so difficult, it was driving him crazy and me along with him.
I’ve had enough.

he supported me at work and too often abused his position. He wanted to leave many times, but kept coming back.
I was deemed the one who was making life difficult for him, until he got his head straight and it happened again and again. It was all just really bad and I feel drained.
As far as vacations go, I like spending time with him, but I have suspected that every time we have a really good time he afterwards does something nasty to spoil it as if he can’t feel or get too close to me.
We seem to be in sync when we are together and have time off and than bum, he makes sure it can’t last.
I don’t know what to make of it, but it can get from pleasant to extremely unpleasant.

We were fine until yesterday when he had an eruption again.
So subsequently I have held back on my feelings to protect myself against disappointment.

I try, but sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it, could I have made a better decision and divorced H way at the beginning when I found out about the unresolved situation with his ex wife. He did mention something, but at the time coming from my own experience, I trusted it could easily be resolved.
He did not fully disclose the fraudulent document he signed, we proved it, but ended up mediating, because EFH just wouldn’t stop. It was the only way to get her out of our marriage, but the damage was done. She made sure MIL thought of me as someone who was only after money. Only a few years before her death she apologized, but has managed to turn her other sons and daughter against me and I felt it was me against the whole family. H was a puppet who believed what they said and wouldn’t believe me. He always had doubts I think.

I probably sound crazy for still staying, but it was very often because of work. And he knows it and abused it.
But when we were good all of it was forgotten, it just never lasted. And we are at odds again, with me keeping away. Today I feel like life is again out of my control. And I don’t know how to deal with it.
I know all marriages have ups and downs, but I keep wondering if we lost it all years ago. It wasn’t always like this. I was really proud of H, now he can be a very bitter angry and unloving man, he has a very dark side, or has been so disillusioned and hurt, especially after his last lawsuit, that there in no coming back from it and he just doesn’t care any more.

And most of all, I am not liking who I am becoming, bitter and passive, when I should be passionate about life. I am not, not today.
 
You are still that person inside - waiting to be released somehow. It's a difficult time of year for a lot of people.
 
Y
Maya said:
Yes I do think EFH drama and H’s reaction at the time has deeply affected me and our relationship.
I felt unprotected, I felt worth less, it preoccupied my life, you have to remember there were 5 lawsuits, one against my DD, threats and no support for our marriage from his family. No support for me. Their objective was to get rid of me. It affected every aspect of my life including my relationship with DDs. I couldn’t be trusted, I married into a family that wanted to harm them and I couldn’t protect my own daughters from getting hurt. My own mother turned that against me and being an EFH herself, her view was that H and his ex wife have a relationship I have no right to be involved in or judge them. She openly said that EFH has a right to H. I guess it is her own lifelong frustration. My sister was the same and doesn’t even talk to me, my father lives in NYC, so that’s it for me.
To be fair my mother did change her attitude after seeing me suffer for years.

We were newly weds and everything just went from bad to worse. H was very confused, felt guilty for marrying me. I was lost, didn’t understand the pathology behind it and it lasted for years.
I got very sick and was very depressed and so disillusioned. My mind simply blocked parts of that past, so years went by, and suddenly I realized we were married for 15 years and yet I had to experience the good in our relationship as far as feelings go.
H was also sued over inheritance and settled after Covid which was this year in February. And the same depression and feelings of being betrayed surfaced like they have never before on H’s side. I tried to keep away, but it was so difficult, it was driving him crazy and me along with him.
I’ve had enough.

he supported me at work and too often abused his position. He wanted to leave many times, but kept coming back.
I was deemed the one who was making life difficult for him, until he got his head straight and it happened again and again. It was all just really bad and I feel drained.
As far as vacations go, I like spending time with him, but I have suspected that every time we have a really good time he afterwards does something nasty to spoil it as if he can’t feel or get too close to me.
We seem to be in sync when we are together and have time off and than bum, he makes sure it can’t last.
I don’t know what to make of it, but it can get from pleasant to extremely unpleasant.

We were fine until yesterday when he had an eruption again.
So subsequently I have held back on my feelings to protect myself against disappointment.

I try, but sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it, could I have made a better decision and divorced H way at the beginning when I found out about the unresolved situation with his ex wife. He did mention something, but at the time coming from my own experience, I trusted it could easily be resolved.
He did not fully disclose the fraudulent document he signed, we proved it, but ended up mediating, because EFH just wouldn’t stop. It was the only way to get her out of our marriage, but the damage was done. She made sure MIL thought of me as someone who was only after money. Only a few years before her death she apologized, but has managed to turn her other sons and daughter against me and I felt it was me against the whole family. H was a puppet who believed what they said and wouldn’t believe me. He always had doubts I think.

I probably sound crazy for still staying, but it was very often because of work. And he knows it and abused it.
But when we were good all of it was forgotten, it just never lasted. And we are at odds again, with me keeping away. Today I feel like life is again out of my control. And I don’t know how to deal with it.
I know all marriages have ups and downs, but I keep wondering if we lost it all years ago. It wasn’t always like this. I was really proud of H, now he can be a very bitter angry and unloving man, he has a very dark side, or has been so disillusioned and hurt, especially after his last lawsuit, that there in no coming back from it and he just doesn’t care any more.

And most of all, I am not liking who I am becoming, bitter and passive, when I should be passionate about life. I am not, not today.
Click to expand...
Your mother was wrong. When people get divorced they get divorced for a reason. Their marriage should be over. Its NOT a game. You had and have every right to be present. EFH has absolutely NO right to intefere in your life. She is the one who should have had more respect. Its not your fault that EFH was / is disrespectful, destructive and hateful.
We cannot control the way other people are but we must not allow ourselves to suffer because of other peoples behaviour.
EFH has taken enough from you. Now is your time. Do not allow her to steal from you any further.
I keep telling myself to draw a line. Enough is enough. Pretend the woman no longer exists. She had a place. She no longer has a place.
I totally understand how this stressful situation consumes your life. EFH brought trauma and unwanted drama into your life. You did not ask for it and you did not deserve it. EFH started a war. What were you supposed to do? Lie down and let her walk all over you?
No you fought back. Its natural.
You did what you thought was best at the time for yourself and your children.
How many of us would like to pick a line in time and go back , erase a few years and start over?
I wonder if I could go back to the day I met H, knowing what I know now. Would I go through it all again. One thing I do know, I would not tolerate the abuse from EFH and Hs family. I would have kept my independence. I would have kept my distance and observed more carefully.
I have learned this, H comes from an abusive family. EFH is an abuser. Hs family are passive aggressive. H tries to control me. Its the only way he can get through his life.
We can consider why people are the way they are and think about their pain.
None of us are getting off lightly.
As you have said to me. EFH is bitter and twisted because her life did not turn out the way she wished. Well tough shit ...get over it.
I wish I could advise you how to move forward but I dont know how to myself. One thing for sure, we will move forward whether we like it or not.
Life is no fairy tale. That I know. X
 
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