Friend cut me off

Esme

Esme

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So a friend cut me off recently. After sending a nasty message. I apologised if I had done or said anything to upset her but she continued to say she was cutting contact. I left it a while and contacted her again and said it’s a shame and can’t we discuss and sort it out. Reply was - I am ending this conversation.

It was a bit of a shock. She had always had an abrupt manner at times but been thoughtful and helpful at other times. When she was abrupt she was positively rude but I knew her personality.

But ouch. You feel like you’ve lost loyalty.

And yes you can say - you don’t need friends like that - and it’s true. And I guessed one day something like that might happen. I seemed to be the one that calmed her down with reason wheh she was angry about other things or people. Suddenly I was the target.

It’s made me feel a bit sad as we chatted a lot so it’s left a gap. And you take it personally and think - I thought this friend admired and respected me. So then you feel like there’s something wrong with you (which is irrational).

Later I thought - why bother? If she really wanted to cut contact - why not just go quiet and actually do it without saying anything? People do go quiet sometimes or drift away. Why send me a nasty message telling me she was going to cut contact.?
 
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It happened to me too. I knew she was up and down, a bit of a snob, but we had some good times and talked a lot.
She moved to the coast and got furious with me because I didn’t visit he regularly.
She always had a nasty remark for me. She doesn’t work, I do and have to travel as is and cherish my quieter moments.
She is bored. She doesn’t really have a lot of friends where she lived, she did not integrate well. Bout a place in a vacation settlement and people come there on weekends or for vacations. She doesn’t know the locals. But that’s not on me.

We stopped contact for a while, a year maybe, even more.
Then she called to stop by. She made a call or I did and was very mean to me and even though I was in the area, I just kept on driving, no point in stopping and tbh we have become distant.

Now after a few years we saw each other once. It was ok, but I don’t feel close to her any more. Something is lost and I focus on other friends and family.

It hurt at first, a lot, but I got over it. It’s better this way. Now looking back, she was friendly when I complimented her, but I can give you an example when she last stopped by, I just got a new haircut. She didn’t compliment me or just shit up, she said she wasn’t sure if she liked it or hated it.
Now where is that coming from, I don’t know. People change, some disappear, some stay and you meet some new ones.
It is not an overnight change and not easy, but we move on.
Your friend has issues and who knows why she is angry. She found some wrong with you, as if she is perfect, and she took her frustration out on you.
That is my experience.
That is how friends become acquaintances, or someone you once knew, than again she may decide to talk to you again, but you don’t needs this drama.
Invest in other friends.
Mostly some are just envious and can’t or don’t feel like being nice.
Some are judgemental, but you don’t need this.

Some also like us when we have problems and then when we are back on our feet, they try and beat us down with outbursts like this.
One or all of the above could be true.
It is in my case.
They are ok as long as they feel they are better than us.
I never perceived my friend this way, I just accepted her for what she is, but it goes deeper than that, I learned that too.

She had an early retirement and every time we talk she tells me I should retire like her and when I tell her I would be bored to death, she tells me to look at her, she is great. Really, we all make our choices and live our lives.
She can do it to someone else, not me.

When I got married she said I do everything better, you just got married ahead of me. She had a new boyfriend within a month that moved in with her.
I should end here, she has some good points as we all do, but it’s been enough. She is known to be like this.

I bet your friend pulled something before. I always said my friends are not perfect people and know them well, but this was over the top.
I apologized too, but it didn’t help, ever, it fired her up

As you say silence is golden.
 
Your friend has issues and who knows why she is angry
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this was over the top
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Exactly. And it reminds me of EFH. My way or the highway. Somehow she made me feel guilty - but she had made an offensive remark which I had pointed out, so she cut me off and blamed me and was even more insulting. Logically I know she is at fault but she can never be wrong. As long as she is the centre of attention and nobody disagrees with her she is nice and fun. But even when she was being fun she would make inappropriate jokes that were hurtful. I remember once being really upset about that. It was something I had made. I joked that I wasn't very good at crafts but it was quite fun. She laughed at my attempt. Which was fine - I had joked about it. But then went too far and started criticising it saying it looked like (something unpleasant) - in front of other people. This undermined me. I avoided her for a bit after that but eventually decided to tell her that had really upset me. Her response was "I didn't think you were that sensitive". So again making out it was my fault I was upset about her insensitive comments! She did apologise over that though. And that was the pattern. She would be supportive, praise me on various things - and then suddenly throw in some criticism.

Writing that makes me realise you don't need friends like that, or tolerate them. But I liked her - when she was being normal.

What I'm cross about now is that it has made me feel slightly depressed. It was a shock and very sudden and sort of wiped the smile off my face when I was having a good day and things were going well and I was looking forward to something.
 
That is why you got on her nerves.
It will pass, I had a tough time too for a while, but it had happen before and I had to remove myself on some occasions.
I kept finding excuses for her behavior, she was upset, she had issues with her boyfriend, I sometimes thought she was a bit of borderline personality and very difficult, but when she was in a good mood, she was great.
I missed the good parts for a while, but it just a sort of vanished from my life, I have no need for he company any more.
The calls are rare, but as I said, we went a few years of almost no contact.
 
Which bit do you mean that got on her nerves? It was one particular thing. Her view was that she should be able to express her own opinion and say what she likes. That says it all really. Most people consider others feelings when they say what they think. Yes I think she is probably a bit of a narcissist as well. Very me, me, me.

I know I don't need a friend like that and have been too tolerant in the past - out of friendship. But I still feel bad.
 
Esme said:
Which bit do you mean that got on her nerves? It was one particular thing. Her view was that she should be able to express her own opinion and say what she likes. That says it all really. Most people consider others feelings when they say what they think. Yes I think she is probably a bit of a narcissist as well. Very me, me, me.

I know I don't need a friend like that and have been too tolerant in the past - out of friendship. But I still feel bad.
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When I was telling her about something good that was happening to us, me, she would change the topic, but I had to listen to her boasting, just a lot of me, me and than she would abruptly end the conversation saying she has to answer a call. Every time?? So I stopped calling because she gave me a sense of irrelevance. I didn’t like to feel that way and so the relationship watered down.
 
I'm still in a state of shock. I start to feel ok again for a bit and things feel normal, then it hits me again and I feel upset and miss the contact. We used to chat virtually every few days. And then bam. No contact at all. Maybe it's missing a sore thumb, but when this person knows all the ins and outs of your life and you have supported each other through things it's like chopping something off. She was a prolific chatter - messaging a lot. Then one nasty message and bam.
 
Relationships are extremely difficult. I think Maya hit the nail on the head, a lot of people only want to hang around whilst they can see you are no better off than them.
Human nature is competitive and ugly.
Ive lost so many friends along the way its heartbreaking.

Sometimes its me who decides the friendship needs to end and that will be with a good reason.
One reason I have is that I cannot cope with friends who I no longer recognise or no longer put in any effort. One text message a year is not a friendship. I would rather give up.

I have a former life long friend. She occasionally texts me these days. She is a counsellor. She used to text me and speak to me like a friend. As time and distance has passed she now can only offer me the words of stupid memes. She treats me like one of her clients.

There is no ranting allowed. I remember writing a long post as we do here to each other and her response will be about 4 words long for example: all this shall pass..... or...... the truth will free you. What the actual F***?

I told her, I cant do this anymore. She responds " that is your truth" . I think shes lost her marbles.
I text her how are things, ask about the family, the husband, she refuses to share experiences and that, to me is what friendship is all about. Shes not my counsellor!

I have another acquaintance at the moment who is playing mind games with me. Its difficult to explain but she seems to be taking things that I do unintentionally as an insult and then tries to hurt me with the same action. For example I forgot to answer one of her text messages whilst i was busy at work. So in response she has started ignoring my messages. Now i wouldn't mind that 1) if anything i had ever done to her was intentional and 2) she has rarely answered a lot of my texts in the past and i never batted an eyelid. The one time i forget and shes now on a mission for revenge.

There are very few true friends in the world. I actually consider myself to have none. I know some nice people but me, I dont really trust anyone anymore. People come and go. A big message keeps following me around at the moment and that is, there is no such thing as a bad person. We are all good people who do bad things.
My point is I think Im an idealist , i expect way too much of people. When people are less than pleasant Im extremely pissed off.
I quite like my own company so im not too bothered most of the time. People mostly label me as laid back but I do get easily hurt by other peoples behaviour. I find it hard to find the appropriate response to ithers bad behaviours thinking I know Im not perfect but I also really dont tolerate other peoples rudeness very well. My response is i usually close down and ignore. Im very black and white.

Very rarely are other peoples problems because of us. Its their problems.
 
I have another friend who works with battered women in a womens rights centre. Shes a man hater, obviously 🙄...if i ever suggest im having a bad day with my husband she demands i leave the bastard immediately 🤣🤣🤣 ive learned not to share my marriage problems with her...
 
It's true what you say. I think I have one (or maybe two) good lifelong friends I can trust - but they are at a distance and have their own lives. One I have known since early childhood. We lost contact in the past but became friends again. I supported her when she was getting divorced. She supported me when I was later getting divorced. The second time we had a kind of rift for quite a few years - her new husband didn't like her having such a close friendship. He was a spoilt brat. But anyway. It has not been quite the same since - and she has her own life with him.

This current situation has been a huge shock as it was so sudden and so nasty. I almost feel like I've been attacked! I'm starting to feel angry now as it has totally messed up my week and made me feel headless chicken.
 
Better day today. It seems to get to me most at night time. I have other things to do and other people to talk to. Just wish I hadn’t confided so much because that’s what makes it seem worse when you have confided things to someone over the years.
 
So has she.
So have I and so have many of us.
Some people are here to stay, some people somehow slip out of our lives.

It is easy for me to say, don’t worry and be happy, but no worry can help you, speaking from experience. It is pointless.
The sooner you can get a bit angry and then let her go, because this is not how people treat friends, the better for you. You didn’t know her in reality. People hide behind a mask and years later you hear things.

I considered a childhood friend of mine almost as a sister. We shared everything. We had our girls together and spent a lot of time and birthdays and vacations together.

She cut me off completely and when we spoke 20 yrs later pretended nothing happened.
She told me to my face at the time, that she cannot stand me and can’t even sit next to me. I never found out why, I have my theory, but that is it.

I was shocked, I mourned like someone died. No one from that group of women ever called, nothing. But looking back, I am glad I got out.

She called me a bad mother and was disgusted with me, because I started my company. I went to a therapist and asked if I was really a bad mother, being a single mom…

I was young and naive and have outgrown many things
I think none of us have a lot of real friends. We have a few, very few and people we know and keep company. And we have to know who we are dealing with. some friends can be trusted with some things and others with other. Some are just good people, but not great company.
Even with friends, I am careful to a point.
I know them well enough to know what I can and cannot discuss with them.
 
So, had a busy day and at night I feel sad again. Because this friend could be really kind and had some really good qualities. And I don't understand why she wouldn't just talk and discuss and sort the thing out. She just threw her toys out of the pram. And because she is so pig headed, she would never back down and change her mind. Today I was thinking - well rid if that's how someone treats you. But you can't help thinking - well what on earth did I do?
 
Sometimes you dont have to do anything. People do as they choose. Its her choice and when someone wants to do something, that is out of our control.
You have options, you could ask, what did i do that offends you so greatly?
You could ask , is there anyway this can be fixed
Im sure you already know that.
If there is no going back then you are having a normal reaction to a bad situation
You are a good person feeling grief at the loss of someone you care about. As with any type of grief it will take time to overcome
Your care in this matter is an indication of what a kind and sensitive person you are.
We cant make other people do what we would like them to do. They have to make their own choices unfortunately.
Believe me, I know how you feel. I lost my brothers friendship about 15 years ago. His wife couldn't manage our close relationship and so he chose his wife over me. Well of course he would.

I suffered many years of grief. I loved my brother with all my heart but there was (as usual) jealousy and spite involved. Nothing I did or said could fix the problem. His wife treated me as if I simply did not exist. I called their landline to try and make good. His wife answered the phone and I said Hi, can we sort things out please? She said, Im sorry I think you have the wrong number. They have refused to speak to me for 15 years. Except I asked him in a text message about 3 years ago. What did I do to you to make you reject me from your life. He had absolutely no answer. That was the end of that.
I think sometimes people dont even know why they do what they do.
Sometimes you become a part of a bad place in their head through no fault of your own. I know there are people that I dont like to think of because I associate them with bad memories.
But if someone is having a bad day, and then they treat you badly because they feel so bad, they can become ashamed of themselves and the way they have treated you. Then sometimes its easier to never go back than to look someone in the eye and admit, i treated you badly.
 
Sometimes you become a part of a bad place in their head through no fault of your own
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That is very profound. Thank you. Weirdly she started following me on social media 2 days ago. But didn't reply to my message. I bent over backwards to try and say look whatever it is, we had a friendship. But she had said from the start "my decision is irreversible". She is the type who is very black and white and would never go back after saying she would do something.
 
I'm sorry about your brother. Maybe one day things will change on that front.
 
Esme said:
That is very profound. Thank you. Weirdly she started following me on social media 2 days ago. But didn't reply to my message. I bent over backwards to try and say look whatever it is, we had a friendship. But she had said from the start "my decision is irreversible". She is the type who is very black and white and would never go back after saying she would do something.
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You absolutely do not know what you have done to offend her?
 
Esme said:
I'm sorry about your brother. Maybe one day things will change on that front.
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I doubt that very much.
I lost my shit with him after that text messages 3 years ago. I told him exactly what I thought of him and his wife. I felt like I had nothing left to lose and got angry. I can assure you I will never hear from him again.
 
Noodle said:
You absolutely do not know what you have done to offend her?
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Oh I know what I did to offend her - I disagreed with her over something. But I then said look it's a silly thing and I didn't mean to upset you and we have agreed to disagree on certain things before. As I said she is a very black and white person who decides she needs to be right all the time. It was a silly little discussion over something and I said something that she disagreed with strongly and was very rude. I told her she had been very rude and I was upset and she got more and more insulting (all in one message) and said she was cutting contact. Bam.

Without going into too much detail the thing that was discussed was one of those things where people just have varying opinions and there is no right or wrong way.
 
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