Some of the worst things the ex has done

[Esme]

This thread is to share some of the worst things you've experienced, from your husband or partner's ex. From the ridiculous to the extreme.

We refer to stepchildrens' Mothers as BM (Birth Mother) on here. In some cases however, if the BM is particularly hostile or toxic, they are referred to as the Ex, and in other cases, for the most extreme ones, they are the EFH (Ex from Hell).

In our case. Lies! So many lies - to other people, to the child (head messing), even to us - which seemed a bit pointless when we knew they were lies, but it was a form of attempting to gaslight you into believing something she said you had done or said was true (even though completely fabricated).

Punishing child for being happy at Dad's (which earns the title of EFH). Making false allegations to social services. Which also earns the title of EFH. Ruining child's birthday every year by throwing away presents we gave him. Sending abusive messages to OH - extreme harrassment. Stealing things! Plus various annoying things like not returning clothes and interfering at school collections.

There were much worse things as well. Alienation. That eventually got resolved via the court process but the disruption continued occasionally.

You think - why?! Either the EFH is a completely nasty nut job (probably) or it's tactical - in the hope you will give up and go away. Or that the stress will make you and your OH bust up. Probably all three.

This can mean life turns into a big pile of stress. Which is why we need a place to go to offload, and detach and get tips on how to handle things.

Communication is the big thing. My OH got to the point where he was a nervous wreck and couldn't face reading emails. I had to read them and tell him what they said (usually pages of abuse and nastiness with one relevant statement or question). So I'd read through all this and say "she wants to know if you can do xyz". Because that's all it was really. The rest was bullying. We were even advised to go to the Police and file for harrassment. But decided to deal with it via the family courts instead as an application was needed anyway.

Give them an inch and they take a mile. So if you're dealing with a toxic, abusive ex and all attempts at negotiation and being reasonable have failed, make sure you pin them down with a watertight court order and enforce every breach. The family courts are another topic altogether.

Give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves is the expression - the courts need to see what is going on.

I spent too much time analysing why. She and my OH had never lived together or been married. There was no affair - we met long after they had stopped being an item. She just wanted him to stay single I think! There are also some high conflict personalities around. I later learned that our EFH had a history of this type of behaviour even before having children.

 

[Noodle]

I cant help but laugh at this stage, please do not get me wrong, being in the vortex of a blended family with an EFH is one of the most challenging situations I have ever encountered. Its like taking battle with a Titan...(take your pick...Medusa maybe..Medusa is mild compared to my EFH).
Looking back now I can see a desperate, attention seeking, overentitled child stamping her school shoes on the floor.
I feel that we are out of the other side but Ive had 8 years of hostility, nastiness, jealousy and harrassment from my husbands ex wife.
Let me list the dirty tricks we have encountered for ease on the eye;
Worst things ex has done

Directly abusive text messages, personal to my appearance and my age.

Name calling In text messages and verbally, I have been called a tramp, an old woman (im 6 years older than her) and mutton to name a few Her exact phrase to my H was " you have married a tramp"

Text messages stating the children belong to her. "They are ALL mine and you do not get to mess with my daughters hair ever." This was the response when EFH would not allow me to take SD to the hairdresser for a pamper day before our wedding.
Yes EFH they are all yours until the weekend when you want to go out gallivanting or until you are tired and want a day in bed then they suddenly become Hs.

Contacting my place of work to make false allegations. EFH tried to get me fired from my job with a pathetic false story. It had zero effect on my position.

Creating false illnesses for attention.
EFH has called H to request he pick the Skids up on non scheduled days, this could be due to anything from severe fatigue to a blood disease. ( Yes one day she called to say she had a blood disease).

Also creating fake illnesses about SS stating one of his moles is cancerous. It wasnt anywhere near a serious situation but she created the desired effect with this story. Drama and attention.

EFH used to text H to say she still cares about him. The previous day she would have texted telling him what a bad father he is.

EFH would pump the Skids for information everytime they went home from our house. We would then get an email raising points about our family life down to the smallest detail stating, can we not do this and can we no do that in front of the Skids. Even down to the subjects of our conversations. Yes she was even telling us what we are / are not allowed to talk about in front of the Skids. (And just to point out we are both extremely responsible adults who do not need childcare advice ) This happened regularly but particularly around the time of the court order.

Every time we had a blended family holiday booked just like clockwork 1 or 2 days before EFH would create a reason why the Skids could not attend. Or she would create an unreasonable demand (usually asking fir more money) if we did not meet that demand the Skids could not attend the booked holiday.

Child Maintenance Service were dealing with Maintenance payments but that was not enough for EFH she would call up Hs work and ask for a copy of his wage slip!!

EFH would regularly change dates outside of the court order, eg. Keeping Skids on their birthdays or not allowing them to visit on my childrens birthdays.

EFH would stalk Hs mutual friends for information about our marriage.

EFH would make excessive demands to H eg. you will come and pick up the kids in 3 ft snow even if it is dangerous to drive down the long, winding, narrow icy lane to get there.

EFH used to regularly call the police and claim I was harrassing her seriously wasting precious police time. I really do not know why they even took her seriously. She was a serial police botherer and not just about me.

EFH refused to respond to solicitors letters in an appropriate manner. In fact she responded to the solicitor regarding the sale of the former matrimonial home with a ridiculous rant about our personal life.

Im sure theres plenty more but I think you can get the gist. Complete and utter intrusion on our fanily life and relationship and a complete and utter horror story. Someone should write a book about these women.

 

[Esme]

Drama and attention.

That sounds familiar and yes it's drama and attention. I can relate to a lot of that. We had the fake life threatening illness, SS supposedly had various things wrong with him which all came back negative - poor child was dragged all over the place for appointments.

They are definitely a breed - the behaviours are the same in so many cases. What amazed me was how they have the time and energy to actually create all this havoc, but it seems to be their life's mission. My OH used to say - you have to feel sorry for her really - she must be a very unhappy person to be so nasty. I like his thoughtful attitude but mine is a bit more blunt. I used to say "bring back ASBO's" Boy were they needed. Lock em up for antisocial behaviour. It helped me feel better saying that anyway! I will admit though it did get to me sometimes and make me feel rubbish. It's like psychological warfare. It comes into your home. We had good help and advice from a solicitor in how to manage communication to keep ours brief, and polite and not reply unless it was necessary. It helped cope when you could feel you had some control in that way.

While we don't get the communication any more (which can still cause havoc due to lack of communication), we still have the messing about with dates etc).

I didn't directly have any communication. Left that to OH, but even after 12 years she would still rant about "your girlfriend" and all the fabricated terrible things I had done and said. Actually I had bent over backwards to be perfect - I was kind to SS, I half killed myself trying to be the perfect Stepmum. Maybe that's why she had to try and undermine me. Usually it was comments about the terrible food and cooking.

On a more serious note - it really isn't normal is it? There are separated couples who easily and amicably have good schedules and put the children first.

 

[Esme]

It does make me angry though, what they put the kids through - putting them in the middle, using them as weapons, questioning them to get information out of them.

 

[Maya]

EFH was/is a very bitter persona with an evil streak. She herself had too many issues with SSs to ever point at me. We treated them well, took them places they never went before, opened a bit of my world to them. My family welcomed them.
I wrote to her a polite email, still hoping she just had a reaction to us getting married, and pointed out the things we have done together, the clothes we had to buy for them, because they came in the shabbiest clothes they had.
The message I got back was “that’s your problem”. From then on we stopped. I put a stop to it, because it made no difference what we did SSs came to us angry, pushing for new phones, things, money.
She moved to Switzerland about 3 months after we were married. Abruptly. She insisted on taking the boys with her, with or without H’s approval. He asked the boys what they wanted and both said they wanted to go with their mother, which was logical, since they were divorced 6 yrs. prior and were used to living with her. It was very hard on H, but he supported them all.
They agreed on shared expenses with travel and regular visits.
Well the shared experiences were shared by us, even up to a point when we said we will not be making all the payments, even if the boys can’t come. She took their money, the money we gave them as a gift, bought the tickets and sent them to us, telling them their father will return the money to them. She claimed initially they would be coming for a week, so we both took the week off. They stayed for 2 weeks while she took a long skiing vacation. Because we had to go back to work, word got around that we were neglecting the children age 14 and 17. I took that one hard, I asked the person who was circulating this directly what is going on and why are they circulating lies about us, me. He knew me, we were classmates. His wife was a friend of EFH and she passed it on. I told him to shut it and how dare they. They are not in touch with us and they have absolutely no idea how we live and explained the skiing trip and the rest. He wasn’t interested and said so, so I just told him to keep that up. Don’t ever talk behind my back. It actually worked. No more nasty news from that end. But there were other sources that EFH informed of our/H’s bad parenting and it became increasingly difficult to shut it down. I was becoming increasingly stressed and I guess she got what she wanted.
At the time I was also stressed when SSs came, knowing something bad will come of it. We had our good moments, but their arrival looked like a bomb went off in my home. First they emptied their bags with clothes on the floor of my living room, they had no respect for rules. I stayed quiet expecting H to say something, asking him to say something, but he was afraid of loosing his kids and tolerated the intolerable. So I had to find a way to open my mouth and say something, but often elected to just remove myself from that scene. It was not how I ever wanted to live and I often waited for the visits to end. H and his sons spent time together and that was that. The angrier the boys came, the worse it got. It took a few days to get to some normal, but my limit was crossed and for me it was difficult to deal with that situation.
There was a company phone issue. YSS wanted a new phone. His old one was fine and we told him that can wait, since it’s not exactly cheap. He pushed and pressured H to give him his company phone and I said no. The company is mine and it is in no way legal or in the interest of anyone to do that. SS had a perfectly working phone. We got into a fight with H, but it stayed a no. Later I heard SS on a phone with EFH apologizing for not being able to get the phone, telling her “mom, I really tried, but I couldn’t get it”. One can only imagine with what kind of a missions the boys were coming. Why would she want my company’s phone.
Maybe she could dig up some info on me. Up to now I always wondered why it was so important to her and never thought of that one. I was only focused on the phone issue, because it was presented as “I need a new phone, can I have the company phone from my dad and you can get a new one for him, I am sure he would be happy and I would get a better phone and it doesn’t have to be new”. Sly, we’re sly. He was coached well.
Those and many more things happened while EFH was filling lawsuits. We had to put a stop to it. I did, I had to get rid of her.
I am mostly rid of her now, the boys are all grown up now, but when ESS got his diploma and there was a celebration, he specifically told H to explain to me I cannot come. He doesn’t want any conflict. I said no problem, I will stay away from EFH, but I was not the problem, she was. She really tries to push me out of everything that matters to her sons.
I don’t really care any more. I don’t think that is a good outcome, but it was torture when I still cared and I did. I cared about them, wanted to show them that they are more than welcome. ESS returned from Switzerland and stayed with us. YSS became a Swiss citizen. Logically he lives there longer than here. He was only 10 when he left.
I have an antidote for EFH. While with her, both boys were drinking and smoking pot, legal there and failing school. ESS told my mother their family life in Switzerland was difficult. His mother was loosing it quite often, to a point that ESS couldn’t stand it any more and was willing to move in with us.
When ESS returned and lived with us we went through his depression, he injured his knee in Switzerland and got addicted to painkillers, so we had to take care of that too. EFH knew all of this and not once did she say a word, we found out from the boys themselves. They were in trouble, were thrown out of schools or not in school at all. So this diploma was a big accomplishment. And EFH wasn’t here to support her son. I was here supporting him financially, physically, I did all the food shopping, me and H maintained the apartment (h’s apartment that he gifted to the boys to keep EFH away and put a stop to lawsuits), she wanted to force a sale at the auction, never saw it as a place for her sons. Mainly she wanted our marriage to fail, take everything from H, get as much money as possible. Didn’t work out for her, H resented it because he gave up everything and gifted to his sons that never appreciated it.

She came for diploma and I had to stay invisible. I wonder what is next, being uninvited to their weddings or other big events.
I don’t think about it, it just takes up my brain space and pushes me into a bad place. Some people are just bad seeds.
YSS also moved and is living on his own and since than, the relationship with his father has picked up.

I have no information about her and would hope she has none on me, but I suspect with a high degree of certainty that ESS is passing on the information, even sensitive info. about the two of us, because he so yearns for her love and attention, he would do anything to have her approval and love. She is his mother and no matter what happened, he feels the need to praise her to me, but I more or less ignored it, with just a yes, that’s nice or something and moved on. It is sad, but very real.

I sometimes think that the more the parent hurts the child and manipulates, the more some children crave their approval.

 

[Noodle]

Yeah the psychology is vast and complicated but one thing that sticks out in your post from me is the EFHs obsession with stepmums.
In my case EFH would milk the children for info everytime they returned home. We would then receive an email every time detailing her unhappiness with the way we live. Yet if myself or H even mentioned their family home or anything that goes on there, EFH would say "why are you obsessed with me and my life"! She trained the children to never ever mention a single word about what goes on in her life yet poked around merrily in ours. It was a constant intrusion of privacy. Absolutely no fun at all. And yes a recurring theme...step mums get zero thanks from anyone. Not from miserable EFH or any of Hs family. Because they are surplus to requirements. Its a thankless role no matter how hard you may try. That is in my experience anyway. As mentioned I too have nursed, cared, shopped holidayed with these children who do not belong to me. In return i have been abused. I have seen the children recoil from me when they were hurting and i offered a hand to care.
Women (usually) nurture naturally. It comes as a shock when the result of that nurturing comes in the form of the most difficult life.
Im sure there are instances where it works out but sometimes people sugar coat their lives. They only tell you what they want you to hear.
I have heard a few acquaintances saying they make their blended family work. They put in massive amounts of hard work nurturing and caring whilst the children are very young but at some point it all comes back to bite them.
I am aware that I must always sound negative in my posts but to me that is the reality and the harsh truth. I think the only time you may really get an ounce of joy out of the situation is when the stepkids are young and they do not understand the potential manipulation and havoc that their BM wants to enforce. Once they join in it really is world war xxx

 

[Maya]

Sadly very true. I am ok with the situation we have now, but 15 years have passed. And it also took a toll on the two of us.
I was so happy and I had so much to give. Now I often feel empty and tired.
I am more focused on my girls and basically not at all on SSs.
What it comes down to is my children, your children in a very separate way. Two people with families, separate families.
H is more involved in mine, I am not involved in his, only when the occasion brings us together.

 

[Esme]

one thing that sticks out in your post from me is the EFHs obsession with stepmums.

That is spot on. I think it's more than just an obsession with stepmums though, it's also about their ex H or ex partner being a couple and a family with someone that isn't them. And about not wanting the child to enjoy family life with anyone but them. Being numero uno and the only important parent. Some Mothers see the "Mum" status as just that - a sign of status. That only Mum knows best what is good for their children and nobody could do it as well.

Someone once said to me - it's because you're doing a good job. Would an ex really prefer it if you were horrible to the children so they could say how bad you were? Probably.

 

[Noodle]

Hmmmm , good point actually.
The thing is, EFH spoke about us and particularly me as if we were bad parents. You then have to think, well if you really think we are such bad parents/ people then why on earth do you allow the kids to spend so much effing time with us.
If what EFH is saying is/ was true then she shouldn't / wouldn't send the kids to our house on such a regular basis and for long periods over the holidays.
But then of course the truth was, she didnt actually care that much , what she actually used to care most about was getting her free time with her boyfriend (s).

 

[Esme]

It sounds like it was just to big herself up, saying you were bad parents. We had the same - accused of being terrible parents - it sounded like projection to me - but it was more subtle than that, it's to try and influence the kids that you are bad somehow.

 

[LostinCanada]

This is an older thread but I'm sitting here in Canada waiting for my partner and SS to finish golfing and was just scrolling through Second Wives and Stepmums and this one resonated.

So much of this behaviour from these woman is about control it seems. I've had two of them to deal with whilst moving to a new country and losing my mother (having just lost my dad). I wish so much I had seen this forum a lot earlier. Like a lot of our partners, mine was just so emotionally exhausted he just didn't want to deal with the 2ndEFH. She had met him after he discovered his ex wifes long term affair and had just witnessed his father dying in a work place accident. She chased and chased him. She was older (43), wealthy and had a high profile fun job so she manipulated, targeted and hoovered him up. The night she met him at a corporate function she locked a subordinate in a room, had it guarded and told everyone the subordinate was too drunk to be at a work function. The real reason being this surbordinate was competition for my partners attention as the subordinate had invited my partner and had a crush on him as he had on her etc. My partner found this out years later from the person that locked her in the room.

There first date she manipulated by telling colleagues to invite him for drinks, then telling them to leave and taking him to a table for 2?? 3 months later she had him moved in under the guise of it being more pragmatic and cost effective (the marriage counsellor had said he should leave and the ex wife kept the house), 6 months later despite being 43, on the pill and with my partner telling her time and time again he didn't want more kids. She was pregnant!!!! He was just so vulnerable at the time, and of course flattered to have the female attention after his wife's affair, but still devastated re that affair and his dad's unexpected death, he just let it all happen. There is so much more that happened in that first year its not surprising he just gave up. She is a classic covert narcissist (my partner still doesn't quite see it) and that means it was all done behind the scenes or subtely or manipulatively. She invited herself to his ex-wifes childrens b'day 6 months in - pregnant, then set about causing even more drama with his ex wife and her family. Ugh.

So when I came along and he choose to chase me and court me, having been trapped and emotionally abused for years, she used all her covert narcissism wiles to try and break us up. The problem with a covert though is it was often so subtle only other woman would see it. It's how she made the relationship between his ex wife and him so toxic. She was a master of subtely starting something that was pretty horrendous (like turning up to his ex-wifes childrens b'day party at the ex-wifes house 6 months into him leaving the marital home - pregnant no less - having been told not to come), then sitting back and watching him and his ex wife fight and get to the point of hating each other. She played them both like a puppeteer for 12 years. Always making sure she was seen as the sane one in his life. So of course she did the same thing with me. And it worked on and off. When I first met him he told me I wouldn't have any issues with his recent ex as she was normal and nice?! Despite him having been miserable for over a decade (also his words)?? She pretended they were still together the fist few years we were together and I didn't exist. So that meant xmas's at her place, celebrations, constant social media posts with him tagged so it looked like he was still with them, I was not allowed to meet his daughter for over a year and a half, for the first 2-3 years I wasn't allowed to attend any childrens' events she was at. He was scared of her so I understand from his point of view. But I bloody moved to an entirely new country and new no-one and had given up having kids for him. But like Maya said (months ago) it actually sadly changed the dynamics of our relationship. We could have had something amazing (and we still have something really good) but we've had to fight to keep her from destroying us.

Its hard to say the worst thing as it was pretty much most days there would be something. But often something little or seemingly non-consequential. And her texts/calls (and god knows how many emails as I didn't see those) for the first 4.5 years we were together were around 5 to 20 times a day. I think a covert narcissist is horrendous but thankfully her brand and image are so incredibly important to her (why she targeted my partner as he's good looking, intelligent, kind and gentle), she has a face for radio (I know thats mean) and the personality of a dish rag (mean again). No way on this planet she would have got him into a relationship when he was in his right state of mind.

 

[Maya]

By far the worst thing EFH did was go after my children. She sued my EDD. We proved the lies and she was willing to settle, but I was broken.
My EDD told me she will never trust me again, she helped H and thought she could never be in a position she found herself at 22. It was on our lawyers proposal and my request.
I couldn’t forgive myself for years, for ever letting her get involved (with however good intentions) into my life, H’s life.
Later I passed the ball to EFH and wrote to her that no one in my family wanted any contact with her, ever. I also wrote to her that she was at the very bottom of human race with no morals, only lies.
I added that if she ever touched my family again, I would use everything to go after her and that I have all the proof of her lies saved.
She is one nasty piece of work and I never want to see her or have anything to do with her.

In fact, I have not seen her for so long I can ignore her and pretend not to recognize her. Maybe I truly wouldn’t.

Anyway, this broke my spirit, she was so spiteful.

H’s family proved to be the same, MIL died in 2019 and they split the inheritance according to the sister’s wishes and their wishes and in the end sued H, because they wanted to change everything. And they did, he settled, he is really no good in defending himself and couldn’t stand up to them until the very last, so they would settle. Fair is not in their vocabulary.
I haven’t seen anyone since 2019 and the last time we spoke was in 2020.
This year the sister accused me of threatening her within the 21 sec. that lasted our conversation consisting of me: hi, there is something I would like to tell you and ask you. She: I have nothing to say to you and I do not want to talk to you ever, call ends.
Than my H got a text from her son that I have threatened her and I answered the text telling him it’s highly unlikely within 21. He also wrote that she is afraid of me.

Well, they better be. I will lash out to protect myself, but only if I would need to.
Otherwise I can ignore them.

EFH never contacted me again, but I have been punished by SSs by not taking to me for a few years. I survived, it hurt, I was protecting my family and I have every right to do so. I don’t have to take the abuse.

Of course all this had a very negative effect on our marriage. H was extremely confused about choosing sides. In fact he didn’t until EFH filed 5 lawsuits and only a few years in. I never stood in the way of his family and him having contact. He learned who they are all by himself, but another very emotional 3 year lawsuit had shown him who stands with him, who supports him…

I actually filed for a divorce in 2022, because he was angry at me, thinking if I didn’t exist all of his problems wouldn’t exist.
My view on this is, he wouldn’t be alive by now or would be spiraling down.

I could not describe how difficult it was for me, to keep myself afloat, work and stay married.
He has hopefully settled down some and dealt with a few issues, but time will tell.

I deeply care for him and I see more of his love come out of all this mess we were dealing with.

It also made me stronger and since I had been shocked by an employee just last week, we have already reorganized and basically settled with him.

It is about pulling yourself out of the situation emotionally and just taking action, people have spoken up. I found out things that made my decision very easy and emotionally I am no longer involved. I cared about the person in my capacity as his boss, but am done now.

 

[LostinCanada]

By far the worst thing EFH did was go after my children. She sued my EDD. We proved the lies and she was willing to settle, but I was broken.
My EDD told me she will never trust me again, she helped H and thought she could never be in a position she found herself at 22. It was on our lawyers proposal and my request.
I couldn’t forgive myself for years, for ever letting her get involved (with however good intentions) into my life, H’s life.
Later I passed the ball to EFH and wrote to her that no one in my family wanted any contact with her, ever. I also wrote to her that she was at the very bottom of human race with no morals, only lies.
I added that if she ever touched my family again, I would use everything to go after her and that I have all the proof of her lies saved.
She is one nasty piece of work and I never want to see her or have anything to do with her.

In fact, I have not seen her for so long I can ignore her and pretend not to recognize her. Maybe I truly wouldn’t.

Anyway, this broke my spirit, she was so spiteful.

H’s family proved to be the same, MIL died in 2019 and they split the inheritance according to the sister’s wishes and their wishes and in the end sued H, because they wanted to change everything. And they did, he settled, he is really no good in defending himself and couldn’t stand up to them until the very last, so they would settle. Fair is not in their vocabulary.
I haven’t seen anyone since 2019 and the last time we spoke was in 2020.
This year the sister accused me of threatening her within the 21 sec. that lasted our conversation consisting of me: hi, there is something I would like to tell you and ask you. She: I have nothing to say to you and I do not want to talk to you ever, call ends.
Than my H got a text from her son that I have threatened her and I answered the text telling him it’s highly unlikely within 21. He also wrote that she is afraid of me.

Well, they better be. I will lash out to protect myself, but only if I would need to.
Otherwise I can ignore them.

EFH never contacted me again, but I have been punished by SSs by not taking to me for a few years. I survived, it hurt, I was protecting my family and I have every right to do so. I don’t have to take the abuse.

Of course all this had a very negative effect on our marriage. H was extremely confused about choosing sides. In fact he didn’t until EFH filed 5 lawsuits and only a few years in. I never stood in the way of his family and him having contact. He learned who they are all by himself, but another very emotional 3 year lawsuit had shown him who stands with him, who supports him…

I actually filed for a divorce in 2022, because he was angry at me, thinking if I didn’t exist all of his problems wouldn’t exist.
My view on this is, he wouldn’t be alive by now or would be spiraling down.

I could not describe how difficult it was for me, to keep myself afloat, work and stay married.
He has hopefully settled down some and dealt with a few issues, but time will tell.

I deeply care for him and I see more of his love come out of all this mess we were dealing with.

It also made me stronger and since I had been shocked by an employee just last week, we have already reorganized and basically settled with him.

It is about pulling yourself out of the situation emotionally and just taking action, people have spoken up. I found out things that made my decision very easy and emotionally I am no longer involved. I cared about the person in my capacity as his boss, but am done now.

Good grief Maya you've been through a lot. I had trouble understanding some of the issues as it was so convoluted for you. Am glad you stood up for yourself. Too often the EFH's get away with all the shyte as everyone becomes so exhausted around them they give up. So they keep doing it because they get away with it. Well done you for having the integrity to disallow it. Although its taken such a toll. Hopefully things are settling and am glad your H saw things for himself. I've found that strategy is better in some ways at times too. Sitting back and letting the manipulation and control show its ugly self via ex's and family (although I am luck its only ex's that I have to deal with). My partners family are controlling but nice...

Hope the employee situation is going ok.

 

[Maya]

Things have settled, while ago. It’s the aftermath that we had to deal with that was difficult. Our marriage was basically ruined as you can imagine. I lost respect and trust in H. He didn’t protect me and my family.
We than remained together, but it was never the same. I sometimes try and imagine how very much in love we were and the way I felt about H when we got together.
She ruined our honeymoon, she said we “could” have the kids.
She managed to keep me busy with lawsuits and digging for evidence that I wasn’t putting my best into the marriage and my work. It was like a mental virus.
Than she sued my EDD. It’s like having a heart attack, a kick in the stomach and no way to get out, anxiety, depression and real fear of how deeply some EFH (I would put in another word) can destroy our lives.
Honestly, I don’t know how we survived, I do know why we survived. I could not accept that a jealous, evil woman with no morals has the power to destroy my family.
An affair is different although equally difficult, my ex had an affair and later married. In my case there was no evil, we managed to coparent and stay friendly. In time I reorganized my life and am not sorry we got divorced. We didn’t get on, but we can get on now, his ex wife included as well as his children. Our DDs and his sons are real brothers and sisters. There is real love and care and this is something I am proud of. We have been divorced for 27 yrs and alone for three more years, he worked abroad for two years and it took a year for divorce to finalize. So it’s 30 years and that is half of my life.
My H has been divorced for 22 years and EFH wouldn’t leave us alone 14 yrs after their divorce and I’ve had enough of abuse.

Judging from how much I still have to say about what happened with EFH, it still stings because it was so consequential.

Yes, lessons learned first hand without my interfering is best.
I stayed away from the lawsuit from his in-laws. It was difficult, he went thorough so many misplaced emotions, mis-convictions and mis-beliefs. H had to realize that things happened for a reason. I was still there to pick up the pieces and hold him up, rationalizing things for him.
I couldn’t believe this would hurt him so much. There were moments he couldn’t even talk when he read what they wrote about him and what they accused him of. He had to do it with his lawyer, even EFH’s lawyer was never so aggressive and insulting. His lawyer said he has never encountered anything like it and he has over 40 yrs of experience. The judge also commented that she can barely stand the aggressive attitude and of course it hurt H. He needed time after every court session.
His lawyer did not allow me to read what they wrote about me. He just said no and took it out of my hands and said it’s too much to handle. He has been my friend for decades and I know it was a friendly gesture. H was also sawed from some of it, I think it would make him go there and do something. It was perverse.

I guess you get to know your family when you inherit.

And you find out who you were married to when you divorce.

The employee is on sick leave and coming in on Monday. I have documents ready for him to sign.