This is a review of the book "Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You"
The link is at the bottom of the page. The authors are Amy J Baker (Parental Alienation specialist) and Paul R Fine. This book is also linked in the Parental Alienation section, but this is a review of it.
I can't remember where we found the recommendation to this book but it's the only one OH would actually read - he dismissed the idea of self help books usually, but it was during a particularly traumatic time mid court case when EFH was trying to alienate SS. We were really quite worried about the stress he was under and his behaviour. OH found this book immensely helpful and carried it around the house with him sometimes. I also found it helpful. It helped us work out some strategies and house rules to make life less stressful and also to try and relieve some of the incredible stress for SS.
But mainly it stopped us falling into the trap of reacting, when EFH was using SS to pass hostile messages. Because the thing about Parental Alienation, is it's complete when you reject the child and the child rejects you. So the EFH uses the child to create situations where you get stressed and angry and upset, and the child, who is under extreme pressure, then rejects you because of it. It's almost like they want you to do something so they can reject you, to take the pressure off.
So as well as helping you cope with the semi alienated child, it also helps the child cope and relax when with you. Often the hostile behaviour is only when they first arrive, when they've been "primed" before you pick them up. And by next day they have relaxed into a different environment with you and gone back to normal a bit. Sometimes it can take longer than a day. So the book helps with strategies, not to fall into traps, to retrieve some normality and to protect the child as well from the turmoil they are going through.
We were lucky that we were still seeing SS regularly. For some parents and step-parents, the alienation is going on when the child or children are being witheld and they don't have the opportunity to try some of these strategies.
This book is easy to dip in and out of and doesn't matter which order you dip into each chapter in a way. It's an easy read and well written. Reading it was like a lightbulb moment. Firstly it helped you see exactly what was going on in the background and understanding what was going on. Secondly it was - we recognise every single one of these behaviours - this is EFH to a tee. It was almost a relief to realise that the person who had written this book, knew exactly the kind of things we were dealing with.
So onto the book itself. There are 9 Chapters. They are all helpful and relevant but two that stood out were Chapter 5 "When your Ex is sending Poisonous Messages about you" and Chapter 7 "When your ex is erasing and replacing you".
That term "erase and replace" is significant. This is often the case when an ex has remarried or has another partner, and maybe they had had children together, and the ex just wants rid of Dad and Stepmum and have a new life. Replacing Dad with Stepdad. It seems quite unbelievable but who knows the mindset of a Mother who decides to do that.
We had been experiencing minor issues of attempts to "erase and replace" for some years.
Each chapter is broken down into short sections, with large headings - which is why it's easy to dip in and out of. Some chapters have little tables or mini worksheets you can fill in if you want, or just acknowledge the questions and think of the responses.
Some profound bits are in a "box" so they stand out mid chapter. It does have a big focus on how the behaviours are affecting the child's development, as well as supporting and guiding the targetted parent how to deal with the behaviours and issues.
There is a very good section on "dealing with cell phones" (Amy J Baker is American). With lots of tips and strategies of how to prevent an ex misusing kids mobiles to disrupt the kids time with you and to poison them against you remotely. We did these strategies and they worked very well. Not only did it prevent the disruption, but it protected the child from having their mind poisoned while with you, and allowed them time for normality and not to feel in the middle.
It's absolutely disgusting how an EFH can use a child to deliver nasty messages.
There is a chapter entitled "When your Ex is encouraging your child to betray your trust" This includes behaviours and tactics from the ex, listed below:
There is then a section that tells you common responses that do no good (or make things worse!). And that is enlightening. And then another section with "Suggested Responses".
It's hard to explain, but this book got us through an incredibly traumatic time. We had to learn to "parent differently". We both had to be very low key, not react to what normally you would consider terrible behaviour. The worst thing you can do is get angry or tell them off. They are pushing for that so they can reject you and report back to EFH what you did/said so she can then accuse you of being abusive.
It was very hard not acting normally with a child we had both known and been close to for years. That is what Parental Alienation is - it doesn't matter how many years of bonding you've had, the child is brainwashed against you. Dad is seen as a bad person, dangerous, a liar etc etc - and the child might even tell you those things.
The hardest thing was saying nothing, but that allowed the behaviour to go nowhere and eventually the child would be occupied with something and forget it ever happened. And would go back to normal. They can flip flop between repeating the negative stuff, and being normal. It's like the normal child is inside trying to get out and the alienated child keeps re-emerging.
It is upsetting to see but this book helped us both to put our own feelings to one side and focus on not reacting to the child's behaviour to allow things to settle down while the child was here. This was not easy. It was exhausting and upsetting but we couldn't show that. And you sometimes dreaded the child coming (which of course is what EFH wants - you to give up).
But the book helped us focus on dealing with the behaviours. This was over a period of a few months and eventually OH applied to court to vary his court order and let the court know what was going on. He applied for a shared care order and an increase in time.
But during those few months we nearly gave up - ie did what EFH wanted. Not because of the stress and disruption to our lives, but seeing the stress and mental torture the child was going through.
Parental Alienation - and attempted Parental Alienation - is totally sick. It's psychological and emotional abuse of a child. It's using a child as a weapon. It's like a child is a possessed alien that needs exorcising. If the child is resisting being alienated - eg has very strong loyalties to Dad, they suffer even more by resisting.
We nearly gave up just so the child wasn't going through this any more. To take the pressure off. But as soon as we considered giving up we realised we couldn't - because then the child would be left with the EFH and we would never know if he was ok. Once we stopped being the target, he could become the target.
We had also read the effects on children who lose a parent - especially as they get older. They can develop depression or even become suicidal - especially when they have been made to reject a parent and take sides.
We got a lot of help from support groups, a parenting specialist, and another book on how to prepare for court when there is alienation (also listed in the Parental Alienation section), and changed solicitors a couple of times, to find one who actually "got" Parental Alienation. Once there was a court application in, the alienation stopped. EFH didn't want to look bad. It stopped after we got the court order as well. Which just shows how much an alienating parent abuses their ability to snap their fingers and alienate a child if they choose to. We were shown this a couple more times over the years, if she thought OH might go back to court again over something, SS would turn up alienated and accusing us of things. That would wear off within a day or so and he'd see reality. But it was beyond cruel to do that to a child and use them as a weapon.
Applying to court due to Parental Alienation is another topic altogether, so back to the book.
This book is not just for anyone who is trying to cope with a semi alienated child, or prevent them being alienated. It is for anyone who is living with all the hostility and disruptive tacts that an EFH can cause. And they can use the whole gamut of disruptive tactics.
The mobile phone is a big one. Getting that sorted when the child is with you is half the battle.
The link is at the bottom of the page. The authors are Amy J Baker (Parental Alienation specialist) and Paul R Fine. This book is also linked in the Parental Alienation section, but this is a review of it.
I can't remember where we found the recommendation to this book but it's the only one OH would actually read - he dismissed the idea of self help books usually, but it was during a particularly traumatic time mid court case when EFH was trying to alienate SS. We were really quite worried about the stress he was under and his behaviour. OH found this book immensely helpful and carried it around the house with him sometimes. I also found it helpful. It helped us work out some strategies and house rules to make life less stressful and also to try and relieve some of the incredible stress for SS.
But mainly it stopped us falling into the trap of reacting, when EFH was using SS to pass hostile messages. Because the thing about Parental Alienation, is it's complete when you reject the child and the child rejects you. So the EFH uses the child to create situations where you get stressed and angry and upset, and the child, who is under extreme pressure, then rejects you because of it. It's almost like they want you to do something so they can reject you, to take the pressure off.
So as well as helping you cope with the semi alienated child, it also helps the child cope and relax when with you. Often the hostile behaviour is only when they first arrive, when they've been "primed" before you pick them up. And by next day they have relaxed into a different environment with you and gone back to normal a bit. Sometimes it can take longer than a day. So the book helps with strategies, not to fall into traps, to retrieve some normality and to protect the child as well from the turmoil they are going through.
We were lucky that we were still seeing SS regularly. For some parents and step-parents, the alienation is going on when the child or children are being witheld and they don't have the opportunity to try some of these strategies.
This book is easy to dip in and out of and doesn't matter which order you dip into each chapter in a way. It's an easy read and well written. Reading it was like a lightbulb moment. Firstly it helped you see exactly what was going on in the background and understanding what was going on. Secondly it was - we recognise every single one of these behaviours - this is EFH to a tee. It was almost a relief to realise that the person who had written this book, knew exactly the kind of things we were dealing with.
So onto the book itself. There are 9 Chapters. They are all helpful and relevant but two that stood out were Chapter 5 "When your Ex is sending Poisonous Messages about you" and Chapter 7 "When your ex is erasing and replacing you".
That term "erase and replace" is significant. This is often the case when an ex has remarried or has another partner, and maybe they had had children together, and the ex just wants rid of Dad and Stepmum and have a new life. Replacing Dad with Stepdad. It seems quite unbelievable but who knows the mindset of a Mother who decides to do that.
We had been experiencing minor issues of attempts to "erase and replace" for some years.
Each chapter is broken down into short sections, with large headings - which is why it's easy to dip in and out of. Some chapters have little tables or mini worksheets you can fill in if you want, or just acknowledge the questions and think of the responses.
Some profound bits are in a "box" so they stand out mid chapter. It does have a big focus on how the behaviours are affecting the child's development, as well as supporting and guiding the targetted parent how to deal with the behaviours and issues.
There is a very good section on "dealing with cell phones" (Amy J Baker is American). With lots of tips and strategies of how to prevent an ex misusing kids mobiles to disrupt the kids time with you and to poison them against you remotely. We did these strategies and they worked very well. Not only did it prevent the disruption, but it protected the child from having their mind poisoned while with you, and allowed them time for normality and not to feel in the middle.
It's absolutely disgusting how an EFH can use a child to deliver nasty messages.
There is a chapter entitled "When your Ex is encouraging your child to betray your trust" This includes behaviours and tactics from the ex, listed below:
- Allowing the child to "choose" whether to see you
- Forcing the child to reject you
- Asking the child to spy on you (I would say instructing rather than asking)
- Asking the child to keep secrets from you (I would say telling rather than asking)
There is then a section that tells you common responses that do no good (or make things worse!). And that is enlightening. And then another section with "Suggested Responses".
It's hard to explain, but this book got us through an incredibly traumatic time. We had to learn to "parent differently". We both had to be very low key, not react to what normally you would consider terrible behaviour. The worst thing you can do is get angry or tell them off. They are pushing for that so they can reject you and report back to EFH what you did/said so she can then accuse you of being abusive.
It was very hard not acting normally with a child we had both known and been close to for years. That is what Parental Alienation is - it doesn't matter how many years of bonding you've had, the child is brainwashed against you. Dad is seen as a bad person, dangerous, a liar etc etc - and the child might even tell you those things.
The hardest thing was saying nothing, but that allowed the behaviour to go nowhere and eventually the child would be occupied with something and forget it ever happened. And would go back to normal. They can flip flop between repeating the negative stuff, and being normal. It's like the normal child is inside trying to get out and the alienated child keeps re-emerging.
It is upsetting to see but this book helped us both to put our own feelings to one side and focus on not reacting to the child's behaviour to allow things to settle down while the child was here. This was not easy. It was exhausting and upsetting but we couldn't show that. And you sometimes dreaded the child coming (which of course is what EFH wants - you to give up).
But the book helped us focus on dealing with the behaviours. This was over a period of a few months and eventually OH applied to court to vary his court order and let the court know what was going on. He applied for a shared care order and an increase in time.
But during those few months we nearly gave up - ie did what EFH wanted. Not because of the stress and disruption to our lives, but seeing the stress and mental torture the child was going through.
Parental Alienation - and attempted Parental Alienation - is totally sick. It's psychological and emotional abuse of a child. It's using a child as a weapon. It's like a child is a possessed alien that needs exorcising. If the child is resisting being alienated - eg has very strong loyalties to Dad, they suffer even more by resisting.
We nearly gave up just so the child wasn't going through this any more. To take the pressure off. But as soon as we considered giving up we realised we couldn't - because then the child would be left with the EFH and we would never know if he was ok. Once we stopped being the target, he could become the target.
We had also read the effects on children who lose a parent - especially as they get older. They can develop depression or even become suicidal - especially when they have been made to reject a parent and take sides.
We got a lot of help from support groups, a parenting specialist, and another book on how to prepare for court when there is alienation (also listed in the Parental Alienation section), and changed solicitors a couple of times, to find one who actually "got" Parental Alienation. Once there was a court application in, the alienation stopped. EFH didn't want to look bad. It stopped after we got the court order as well. Which just shows how much an alienating parent abuses their ability to snap their fingers and alienate a child if they choose to. We were shown this a couple more times over the years, if she thought OH might go back to court again over something, SS would turn up alienated and accusing us of things. That would wear off within a day or so and he'd see reality. But it was beyond cruel to do that to a child and use them as a weapon.
Applying to court due to Parental Alienation is another topic altogether, so back to the book.
This book is not just for anyone who is trying to cope with a semi alienated child, or prevent them being alienated. It is for anyone who is living with all the hostility and disruptive tacts that an EFH can cause. And they can use the whole gamut of disruptive tactics.
The mobile phone is a big one. Getting that sorted when the child is with you is half the battle.
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