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Four years ago, as a lonely, divorced single mother of two young children, I had no idea that deciding to go on a date with a single father of his own two young children would change my life and turn into one of the best the relationships of my life, with someone who I completely fell in love with - like in the fairy tales – heart, body and soul. I genuinely do not think any man has loved me the way he does - fully and completely - and many of his actions in the last few years has confirmed this.
At the same time, it has been more emotionally challenging than I ever could have predicted., especially in the early days. This is because my DH, is/was a Widower - he had already loved and lost one great love of his life – not by choice - but due to her death. His world fell apart, he still loved her and planned to grow old with her and I have to live with the knowledge that he will always love and miss another woman. No matter how much we are in love and no matter how grateful he is to have a life with me - he did not choose to have to leave her.
As a consequence, there are specific challenges to dating and loving a widower and If you are reading this, you may be experiencing some of these emotional challenges yourself. You may feel guilty for being human and wanting to be your partner’s priority and focus now, you may sometimes resent having to share his heart with someone else – even if that person has passed away. You may have irrational, but completely normal, feelings of being in competition with a dead person, and struggle with feelings of being second best.
You may have had to adapt to having people in your life who were related to the late wife and do not want or accept that your partner has moved on and loves someone new - someone other than their daughter/sister/niece/friend. As a consequence of their own grief and anger over her death, you may be, or have been, excluded and treated with rudeness and unkindness; you may have to had to dig deep some days to remain polite, kind and graceful in their presence.
Then there is the Widower himself, who declared he was ready to move on within a few weeks or months of meeting you, but the first time you visit his home, you realise he still lives as if he is married to another woman – her photos are all over his home and her clothes are still hanging in his wardrobe - suddenly you feel like an imposter and the “other women” in some kind of affair - and , if you’ve already developed feelings for your widower, it’s a complete gut-punch to see photos of the man you love with another woman – even if she has passed away.
I’ve cycled through all of these emotions, yet at other times, just felt complete love and sadness and empathy for the man I love because of everything he’s been through.
I have found different ways to cope with everything so far, in the last four years, and I have received wise advice and support and this forum is a place where you can let some of the feelings and worries out, without upsetting anyone.
My own advice is that time really does help – widowers move on in stages – even if they will always have a place in their heart for their late wife – they gradually, if you’re lucky, make space for you – e.g. in practical ways – my widower put the photos away and eventually sold his home and made a fresh start in a new town with myself and our combined children.
I’ve also managed to lower my expectations and detach as far as my relationship with his late wife’s family and friends goes. I remain polite and kind, but I no longer want or expect more than this now. In the early days, I hurt a lot over the exclusion and rudeness and took it all very personal; but I know it has never been personal, they’d have been the same towards any woman he chose to love after their daughter, they’re still grieving and it is hurt people that hurt others.
I also make sure I surround myself with my own family and friends who I have known for years, and love me exactly as I am and will never compare me to a woman they never knew. Its also important to build up your own self-esteem because a lot of these feelings stem from our own insecurities and can surface no matter how many times our widowers show and say they love us.
The main way I manage my own thoughts and feelings is to change my mindset and listen to the wise advice of others – including one lady who is a divorcee, a widow and now married to a man who also lost his first wife. Her advice to myself was the following, I have paraphrased it. I hope it helps anyone reading this who needs to hear it:
“Our widowers don’t choose to lose their late wives, but they do choose to meet us, date us, fall in love with us and make a new life with us. They choose to open up their hearts to us and risk the chance of having their heartbroken all over again, and they risk it because they love us and feel we are worth the risk. They never see us a consolation prize or second best – they see us as a second chance at love and happiness and a new chapter in their life. Our widowers get to have a once in a lifetime type of love – twice.
Life is not a competition – we are not in competition with his late wife. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or perfect person. He will have had is ups and downs with her, just as much as he does with us. Real life is the day in and day out. The arguing over whose turn it is to vacuum or empty the dishwasher, then doing it together because its quicker. It laughing over something funny that happened in our day. And having in -jokes. It’s not perfect because perfect doesn’t exist. They are our partners now, we go to bed with them, get up with them, they confide in us when they’re stressed and hug us. We are each other’s best friend now. if it wasn’t for my h I wouldn’t have loved again. I’m glad I took the risk to love him again. He is no consolation prize. I hit the jackpot when I met him”
Obviously, I am writing this from the perspective of someone who is four years in, and I am now married to him – but I hope this helps to show you things do get better over time and its normal to have some of the feelings we do. That it gets easier over time. I know there are some widowers who do show red flags and are still deeply entrenched in grief and you need to watch out for these and make sure they aren’t using you to escape their grief, rather than genuinely trying and ready to move on, but normally you have a gut instinct yourself over these things.
You won’t find any judgment here – I know many forums where we are judged for having any feelings at all because someone passed away and this should usurp any emotions or hurt we feel, but you will find genuine support and a listening ear here.
At the same time, it has been more emotionally challenging than I ever could have predicted., especially in the early days. This is because my DH, is/was a Widower - he had already loved and lost one great love of his life – not by choice - but due to her death. His world fell apart, he still loved her and planned to grow old with her and I have to live with the knowledge that he will always love and miss another woman. No matter how much we are in love and no matter how grateful he is to have a life with me - he did not choose to have to leave her.
As a consequence, there are specific challenges to dating and loving a widower and If you are reading this, you may be experiencing some of these emotional challenges yourself. You may feel guilty for being human and wanting to be your partner’s priority and focus now, you may sometimes resent having to share his heart with someone else – even if that person has passed away. You may have irrational, but completely normal, feelings of being in competition with a dead person, and struggle with feelings of being second best.
You may have had to adapt to having people in your life who were related to the late wife and do not want or accept that your partner has moved on and loves someone new - someone other than their daughter/sister/niece/friend. As a consequence of their own grief and anger over her death, you may be, or have been, excluded and treated with rudeness and unkindness; you may have to had to dig deep some days to remain polite, kind and graceful in their presence.
Then there is the Widower himself, who declared he was ready to move on within a few weeks or months of meeting you, but the first time you visit his home, you realise he still lives as if he is married to another woman – her photos are all over his home and her clothes are still hanging in his wardrobe - suddenly you feel like an imposter and the “other women” in some kind of affair - and , if you’ve already developed feelings for your widower, it’s a complete gut-punch to see photos of the man you love with another woman – even if she has passed away.
I’ve cycled through all of these emotions, yet at other times, just felt complete love and sadness and empathy for the man I love because of everything he’s been through.
I have found different ways to cope with everything so far, in the last four years, and I have received wise advice and support and this forum is a place where you can let some of the feelings and worries out, without upsetting anyone.
My own advice is that time really does help – widowers move on in stages – even if they will always have a place in their heart for their late wife – they gradually, if you’re lucky, make space for you – e.g. in practical ways – my widower put the photos away and eventually sold his home and made a fresh start in a new town with myself and our combined children.
I’ve also managed to lower my expectations and detach as far as my relationship with his late wife’s family and friends goes. I remain polite and kind, but I no longer want or expect more than this now. In the early days, I hurt a lot over the exclusion and rudeness and took it all very personal; but I know it has never been personal, they’d have been the same towards any woman he chose to love after their daughter, they’re still grieving and it is hurt people that hurt others.
I also make sure I surround myself with my own family and friends who I have known for years, and love me exactly as I am and will never compare me to a woman they never knew. Its also important to build up your own self-esteem because a lot of these feelings stem from our own insecurities and can surface no matter how many times our widowers show and say they love us.
The main way I manage my own thoughts and feelings is to change my mindset and listen to the wise advice of others – including one lady who is a divorcee, a widow and now married to a man who also lost his first wife. Her advice to myself was the following, I have paraphrased it. I hope it helps anyone reading this who needs to hear it:
“Our widowers don’t choose to lose their late wives, but they do choose to meet us, date us, fall in love with us and make a new life with us. They choose to open up their hearts to us and risk the chance of having their heartbroken all over again, and they risk it because they love us and feel we are worth the risk. They never see us a consolation prize or second best – they see us as a second chance at love and happiness and a new chapter in their life. Our widowers get to have a once in a lifetime type of love – twice.
Life is not a competition – we are not in competition with his late wife. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or perfect person. He will have had is ups and downs with her, just as much as he does with us. Real life is the day in and day out. The arguing over whose turn it is to vacuum or empty the dishwasher, then doing it together because its quicker. It laughing over something funny that happened in our day. And having in -jokes. It’s not perfect because perfect doesn’t exist. They are our partners now, we go to bed with them, get up with them, they confide in us when they’re stressed and hug us. We are each other’s best friend now. if it wasn’t for my h I wouldn’t have loved again. I’m glad I took the risk to love him again. He is no consolation prize. I hit the jackpot when I met him”
Obviously, I am writing this from the perspective of someone who is four years in, and I am now married to him – but I hope this helps to show you things do get better over time and its normal to have some of the feelings we do. That it gets easier over time. I know there are some widowers who do show red flags and are still deeply entrenched in grief and you need to watch out for these and make sure they aren’t using you to escape their grief, rather than genuinely trying and ready to move on, but normally you have a gut instinct yourself over these things.
You won’t find any judgment here – I know many forums where we are judged for having any feelings at all because someone passed away and this should usurp any emotions or hurt we feel, but you will find genuine support and a listening ear here.