My experience of being a partner of a Widower - and advice

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Four years ago, as a lonely, divorced single mother of two young children, I had no idea that deciding to go on a date with a single father of his own two young children would change my life and turn into one of the best the relationships of my life, with someone who I completely fell in love with - like in the fairy tales – heart, body and soul. I genuinely do not think any man has loved me the way he does - fully and completely - and many of his actions in the last few years has confirmed this.

At the same time, it has been more emotionally challenging than I ever could have predicted., especially in the early days. This is because my DH, is/was a Widower - he had already loved and lost one great love of his life – not by choice - but due to her death. His world fell apart, he still loved her and planned to grow old with her and I have to live with the knowledge that he will always love and miss another woman. No matter how much we are in love and no matter how grateful he is to have a life with me - he did not choose to have to leave her.

As a consequence, there are specific challenges to dating and loving a widower and If you are reading this, you may be experiencing some of these emotional challenges yourself. You may feel guilty for being human and wanting to be your partner’s priority and focus now, you may sometimes resent having to share his heart with someone else – even if that person has passed away. You may have irrational, but completely normal, feelings of being in competition with a dead person, and struggle with feelings of being second best.

You may have had to adapt to having people in your life who were related to the late wife and do not want or accept that your partner has moved on and loves someone new - someone other than their daughter/sister/niece/friend. As a consequence of their own grief and anger over her death, you may be, or have been, excluded and treated with rudeness and unkindness; you may have to had to dig deep some days to remain polite, kind and graceful in their presence.

Then there is the Widower himself, who declared he was ready to move on within a few weeks or months of meeting you, but the first time you visit his home, you realise he still lives as if he is married to another woman – her photos are all over his home and her clothes are still hanging in his wardrobe - suddenly you feel like an imposter and the “other women” in some kind of affair - and , if you’ve already developed feelings for your widower, it’s a complete gut-punch to see photos of the man you love with another woman – even if she has passed away.

I’ve cycled through all of these emotions, yet at other times, just felt complete love and sadness and empathy for the man I love because of everything he’s been through.

I have found different ways to cope with everything so far, in the last four years, and I have received wise advice and support and this forum is a place where you can let some of the feelings and worries out, without upsetting anyone.

My own advice is that time really does help – widowers move on in stages – even if they will always have a place in their heart for their late wife – they gradually, if you’re lucky, make space for you – e.g. in practical ways – my widower put the photos away and eventually sold his home and made a fresh start in a new town with myself and our combined children.

I’ve also managed to lower my expectations and detach as far as my relationship with his late wife’s family and friends goes. I remain polite and kind, but I no longer want or expect more than this now. In the early days, I hurt a lot over the exclusion and rudeness and took it all very personal; but I know it has never been personal, they’d have been the same towards any woman he chose to love after their daughter, they’re still grieving and it is hurt people that hurt others.

I also make sure I surround myself with my own family and friends who I have known for years, and love me exactly as I am and will never compare me to a woman they never knew. Its also important to build up your own self-esteem because a lot of these feelings stem from our own insecurities and can surface no matter how many times our widowers show and say they love us.

The main way I manage my own thoughts and feelings is to change my mindset and listen to the wise advice of others – including one lady who is a divorcee, a widow and now married to a man who also lost his first wife. Her advice to myself was the following, I have paraphrased it. I hope it helps anyone reading this who needs to hear it:

“Our widowers don’t choose to lose their late wives, but they do choose to meet us, date us, fall in love with us and make a new life with us. They choose to open up their hearts to us and risk the chance of having their heartbroken all over again, and they risk it because they love us and feel we are worth the risk. They never see us a consolation prize or second best – they see us as a second chance at love and happiness and a new chapter in their life. Our widowers get to have a once in a lifetime type of love – twice.

Life is not a competition – we are not in competition with his late wife. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or perfect person. He will have had is ups and downs with her, just as much as he does with us. Real life is the day in and day out. The arguing over whose turn it is to vacuum or empty the dishwasher, then doing it together because its quicker. It laughing over something funny that happened in our day. And having in -jokes. It’s not perfect because perfect doesn’t exist. They are our partners now, we go to bed with them, get up with them, they confide in us when they’re stressed and hug us. We are each other’s best friend now. if it wasn’t for my h I wouldn’t have loved again. I’m glad I took the risk to love him again. He is no consolation prize. I hit the jackpot when I met him”


Obviously, I am writing this from the perspective of someone who is four years in, and I am now married to him – but I hope this helps to show you things do get better over time and its normal to have some of the feelings we do. That it gets easier over time. I know there are some widowers who do show red flags and are still deeply entrenched in grief and you need to watch out for these and make sure they aren’t using you to escape their grief, rather than genuinely trying and ready to move on, but normally you have a gut instinct yourself over these things.

You won’t find any judgment here – I know many forums where we are judged for having any feelings at all because someone passed away and this should usurp any emotions or hurt we feel, but you will find genuine support and a listening ear here.
 
Just to add my thoughts on how to know when W's are ready for a new relationship.

I've heard of W's who remarried after less than a year, and others who were never ready to enter a new relationship. Each W and their background is different. It may be better to try and judge if they’re ready from their behavior and actions -not their words.

A W who is serious about you will take action and steps to show he's ready or trying to move on (the same applies to separated/divorced men really) e.g. putting the photos away, taking off the wedding ring, introducing you to all the important people in their life, and eventually maybe redecorating his house or selling it completely.

However, if they’re hiding you away , talk about the LW all the time, and cant talk about her without crying, are cold and detached towards you, will sleep with you but seem emotionally unavailable, will let days and weeks go by without you hearing from them, then suddenly they get in touch - these are red flags, if they say they're “confused” – they aren’t ready…
 
I am four years into marriage to a widower with two adult children. The children are now having children, and my stepson and his wife are kind and welcoming. However, my stepdaughter is cold and aloof. When her brother married, she asked me to step out of the picture so they could have a family photo. I was crushed, and although I was newly engaged to my husband, this moment crushed me. However, I have been nothing but kind, and never shown any hurt, never told her what or how to do something. I know she is missing her mom intensely. It must be especially painful for her now as she is getting ready to have another child, and I am sure her Mom would have stayed with her to help out. She would never dream of asking that of me. Although I work full-time and have a demanding job that involves travel, I would take my vacation time to do it. When I tell her I am there if she needs me, she tells me she is alright. Her Dad is retired and often babysits when she needs him. She and her husband both have intense jobs. I wish I knew how to reach her and support her. She often indicates she would prefer not to have a conversation with me, so I go off and play with the children so she can have her Dad's full attention. My husband does not seem to notice or chooses to to ignore it. I don't say anything to him, because I don't want to put him in the middle. I keep telling myself she is hurting and wounded, and just try to be helpful and understanding. I welcome any advice.
rse.
 
Hi. Sorry to hear about the situation. It can be very hard when you’re seen as “the newcomer”. I’ll reply a bit more later ……
 
Ok - it can be very similar as a stepmum actually. But in your case clearly there is a grief element with your SD. And I realise you're a stepmum as well :-) Maybe she can't handle the idea of her Mum not being around any more. I am beginning to think girls are harder to handle than boys though! I think all you can keep doing is what you have been doing - letting her know you're there if she needs anyone. It might take a long time for a bond and trust to build. I guess she might feel disloyal to her Mum if she let another woman close in a similar role.

I've had something similar with SS girlfriend. Not quite the same but it became clear I wasn't considered family or due any respect as a "parent" - and as a man she didn't consider OH that important either. She saw him as not having a Mother basically.

I think all you can do is focus on your relationship and yourself. But I know it's hard to feel you're not accepted or treated equally with your H. It sounds like she lets you get involved with the grandchildren at least.

I'm wondering if you could organise the odd event to change the dynamics a bit somehow. Obviously if your H is there, she is going to gravitate to him. Could you ask her to come over and help with something when OH isn't around maybe? Does he go away at all?

I think you're being really kind by keeping trying after she didn't want you in those photos. I had that with my own sister! That wasn't necessary. She could have had some of the siblings and Dad and some with you as well.
 
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I had to go back and read your first post. It has some wise words.
I am a stepmother too and I had to accept that there will always be some distance between me and my SSs.
One is closer than the other and we have been together for almost 17 yrs.
I wanted to be a part of their lives and was on and off over the years, but it turned out that we will probably never be really close. Courteous, friendly, but still at a distance.
I let H handle his relationships with his sons the way he sees fit, with my occasional input.
I have accepted this. I hurt like hell when they cut contact with me years ago, because I genuinely cared.
EFH took care of that. The relationship never fully recovered, so I had to accept I have my own family, my DDs.
We spend holidays together and I now watch ESS dog, something I like.
I also help financially sometimes, because he still doesn’t have a job.
The rest is just friendly, but neither confide in me or involve me in their lives.

It is doable, I can live with it and it became good enough for me. I focused my energy elsewhere, where I am needed and appreciated and have two little beings to play with. My grandchildren.

Some things can only go so far. I feel you will only be hurt more if you continue to try and get close where someone is not willing to accept you. It has nothing to do with hurt and mourning for her mother. It is manners and subconscious competition with you for her father. Let her have him, It is freeing when you just let them have their alone time.
It is easier to form some kind of relationship if they don’t feel they are expected to have more of a relationship than they want.
It’s ok, enjoy your marriage and just detach emotionally. You can still care, but accept that she is where she is.

Maybe in time things will change, but if they don’t, you can be very happy without this. It takes two to have a relationship and no matter how hard you try, it may not work out.

Life has thought me that I am not meant to have everything and sometimes have to take what I have and make the most of it.

I once thought we could be the Brady bunch. That dream is long gone. It doesn’t exist, life is so much more complex.
 
Lol. I also thought it would be like the Brady bunch. I was lucky in some ways that SS was very young when I met OH and had always had two homes - we hit it off straight away. So my relationship with SS was great - but that brought it's problems too. Firstly OH used to get jealous! That would still crop up now and then even after we got past the worst of it. Secondly EFH (his ex) got jealous. It seemed everybody hated me. SS used to get upset that the ex wasn;t nice to him if he was happy with me.

So in some ways it was easier forming a bond with a younger child. In other ways there were years and years of drama and upset - mainly for me and SS. Even when SS was close to me there is still this inbuilt strong loyalty to their biological parents and SS would defend the ex or OH to the hilt so I had to be careful never to show any frustration about either of them (and sometimes I despaired of both their parenting skills!) I don't mean to sound like a clever dick but - neither of them seemed to remember he was a child sometimes - especially the ex - but she was slightly bonkers anyway.

So that loyalty to a biological parent is strong - and it will still be there, along with maybe guilt and grief, for a deceased biological parent.

Even though SS now lives with us and has no contact with the ex - long story - I am still not his biological Mother. It's different. So I think in your case it's maybe time and in time she will thaw a bit and maybe you can have a friendship. But any attempt at doing Motherly things might be rejected. Despite all this, none of it is fair on you. Hopefully she will realise this one day and apologise.
 
Fiona said:
I am four years into marriage to a widower with two adult children. The children are now having children, and my stepson and his wife are kind and welcoming. However, my stepdaughter is cold and aloof. When her brother married, she asked me to step out of the picture so they could have a family photo. I was crushed, and although I was newly engaged to my husband, this moment crushed me. However, I have been nothing but kind, and never shown any hurt, never told her what or how to do something. I know she is missing her mom intensely. It must be especially painful for her now as she is getting ready to have another child, and I am sure her Mom would have stayed with her to help out. She would never dream of asking that of me. Although I work full-time and have a demanding job that involves travel, I would take my vacation time to do it. When I tell her I am there if she needs me, she tells me she is alright. Her Dad is retired and often babysits when she needs him. She and her husband both have intense jobs. I wish I knew how to reach her and support her. She often indicates she would prefer not to have a conversation with me, so I go off and play with the children so she can have her Dad's full attention. My husband does not seem to notice or chooses to to ignore it. I don't say anything to him, because I don't want to put him in the middle. I keep telling myself she is hurting and wounded, and just try to be helpful and understanding. I welcome any advice.
rse.
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Hi Fiona,

I don't have any sage words but I am very sorry you had such a hurtful moment. It's so so hard to suck it up. And it's harder when our partner doesn't step up to what probably 'should' be done. I think 4 years in that it might be time for Dad to have a private chat with her about respecting his choice of life partner etc? Of course she misses her mum but you had nothing to do with her passing and her Dad has every right to be happy for the rest of his life. IF he is not open to talking with his daughter about asking her to respect and accept his choice of life partner - then all you can do is keep doing what you are doing. Its a delicate and complex line to walk but you are doing it with integrity and thoughtfulness so keep trying.
 
Esme said:
Lol. I also thought it would be like the Brady bunch. I was lucky in some ways that SS was very young when I met OH and had always had two homes - we hit it off straight away. So my relationship with SS was great - but that brought it's problems too. Firstly OH used to get jealous! That would still crop up now and then even after we got past the worst of it. Secondly EFH (his ex) got jealous. It seemed everybody hated me. SS used to get upset that the ex wasn;t nice to him if he was happy with me.

So in some ways it was easier forming a bond with a younger child. In other ways there were years and years of drama and upset - mainly for me and SS. Even when SS was close to me there is still this inbuilt strong loyalty to their biological parents and SS would defend the ex or OH to the hilt so I had to be careful never to show any frustration about either of them (and sometimes I despaired of both their parenting skills!) I don't mean to sound like a clever dick but - neither of them seemed to remember he was a child sometimes - especially the ex - but she was slightly bonkers anyway.

So that loyalty to a biological parent is strong - and it will still be there, along with maybe guilt and grief, for a deceased biological parent.

Even though SS now lives with us and has no contact with the ex - long story - I am still not his biological Mother. It's different. So I think in your case it's maybe time and in time she will thaw a bit and maybe you can have a friendship. But any attempt at doing Motherly things might be rejected. Despite all this, none of it is fair on you. Hopefully she will realise this one day and apologise.
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And I absolutely relate to trying not to say anything disparaging about SD2's mother. Even when it's so obvious to all of us that she's lying through her teeth about something (which happens often when she wants to manipulate my partner). I can't imagine how much harder that would be when the mother (or father) has passed.
Maya said:
I had to go back and read your first post. It has some wise words.
I am a stepmother too and I had to accept that there will always be some distance between me and my SSs.
One is closer than the other and we have been together for almost 17 yrs.
I wanted to be a part of their lives and was on and off over the years, but it turned out that we will probably never be really close. Courteous, friendly, but still at a distance.
I let H handle his relationships with his sons the way he sees fit, with my occasional input.
I have accepted this. I hurt like hell when they cut contact with me years ago, because I genuinely cared.
EFH took care of that. The relationship never fully recovered, so I had to accept I have my own family, my DDs.
We spend holidays together and I now watch ESS dog, something I like.
I also help financially sometimes, because he still doesn’t have a job.
The rest is just friendly, but neither confide in me or involve me in their lives.

It is doable, I can live with it and it became good enough for me. I focused my energy elsewhere, where I am needed and appreciated and have two little beings to play with. My grandchildren.

Some things can only go so far. I feel you will only be hurt more if you continue to try and get close where someone is not willing to accept you. It has nothing to do with hurt and mourning for her mother. It is manners and subconscious competition with you for her father. Let her have him, It is freeing when you just let them have their alone time.
It is easier to form some kind of relationship if they don’t feel they are expected to have more of a relationship than they want.
It’s ok, enjoy your marriage and just detach emotionally. You can still care, but accept that she is where she is.

Maybe in time things will change, but if they don’t, you can be very happy without this. It takes two to have a relationship and no matter how hard you try, it may not work out.

Life has thought me that I am not meant to have everything and sometimes have to take what I have and make the most of it.

I once thought we could be the Brady bunch. That dream is long gone. It doesn’t exist, life is so much more complex.
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I learnt from this Maya reading your response. My partner keeps insisting that my SS and SD1 (from his ex wife) and his SD2 (from ex partner) love me dearly and think of me as a 2nd mum. They don't. I know it too. And I do care for them deeply but there is always and always will be a distance. His first two children already had a step-mum (whom they didn't really like but tolerated) so for them I'm number 3 but I met them when there were 15 and 16. They are really lovely and wonderful but there is a definite distance.

But your line about 'subconscious competition with you for her father' made me realise this is what the SD2 has with me. We have her 50% of the time and the dynamic with my partner the weeks we have her are always 'off'. My partner blames me and no doubt I am to blame sometimes and she is becomming more like her mother, who has been the poster child for EFH, and I really struggle with that. But your advice is spot on. "Let her have him"
 
Esme said:
Ok - it can be very similar as a stepmum actually. But in your case clearly there is a grief element with your SD. And I realise you're a stepmum as well :) Maybe she can't handle the idea of her Mum not being around any more. I am beginning to think girls are harder to handle than boys though! I think all you can keep doing is what you have been doing - letting her know you're there if she needs anyone. It might take a long time for a bond and trust to build. I guess she might feel disloyal to her Mum if she let another woman close in a similar role.

I've had something similar with SS girlfriend. Not quite the same but it became clear I wasn't considered family or due any respect as a "parent" - and as a man she didn't consider OH that important either. She saw him as not having a Mother basically.

I think all you can do is focus on your relationship and yourself. But I know it's hard to feel you're not accepted or treated equally with your H. It sounds like she lets you get involved with the grandchildren at least.

I'm wondering if you could organise the odd event to change the dynamics a bit somehow. Obviously if your H is there, she is going to gravitate to him. Could you ask her to come over and help with something when OH isn't around maybe? Does he go away at all?

I think you're being really kind by keeping trying after she didn't want you in those photos. I had that with my own sister! That wasn't necessary. She could have had some of the siblings and Dad and some with you as well.
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Totally agree on the photo situation. She should have had some with you (and then some without).
 
I see myself in a lot that you mentioned. I keep pretending that some things do not bother/hurt me to protect his feelings. I waited until he was ready to take his wedding ring off, I waited till he took me to his house, introduced me to his son, etc, I am still waiting for him to take some of her photos down…
In his grief he forgets about me, he doesn’t even think that his actions are hurtful.
It’s not easy but he was my first love, I was 17 when I met him and through a series of coincidences we got back in touch after 20 years, after his wife passed away. If I didn’t love him so much I wouldn’t be able to navigate through so much!!!
 
I can imagine it’s not easy. To be where you are, we deeply care for our partners and support them in so many ways. It’s painful, it’s even shocking sometimes and yet we stay.
I hope he movies what you are doing, if not immediately, hopefully with time.
I think he needs to find a place for his deceased wife and learn to move forward with his feelings too. He will never stop loving her, but needs to open his heart to you now.
I don’t think it’s easy for him either, but he is with you, so deep down he knows he has to move on, and loves you, just maybe doesn’t quite know how to process all his emotions.
Time heals, but in the meantime it can be difficult sometimes. It’s not an easy situation.

Even divorced men still mourn the loss of their family and feel guilty for moving on.
My experience. And if it goes on for too long one can feel like second wheel.

You are in a different position, maybe somewhat better, but not easy at all.
 
Medeicat said:
I see myself in a lot that you mentioned. I keep pretending that some things do not bother/hurt me to protect his feelings. I waited until he was ready to take his wedding ring off, I waited till he took me to his house, introduced me to his son, etc, I am still waiting for him to take some of her photos down…
In his grief he forgets about me, he doesn’t even think that his actions are hurtful.
It’s not easy but he was my first love, I was 17 when I met him and through a series of coincidences we got back in touch after 20 years, after his wife passed away. If I didn’t love him so much I wouldn’t be able to navigate through so much!!!
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Its one of the hardest things you will ever do. And at times you wonder how you can keep doing it. But are you getting support too? Outside of this lovely group of woman who have been through so much there are physical groups you can go to? Check on Facebook too re grief in your area as you are grieving too in a way. Just talking with other people who completely understand is very helpful. A dead wife must be very very difficult to deal with and I feel for you...
 
LostinCanada said:
Its one of the hardest things you will ever do. And at times you wonder how you can keep doing it. But are you getting support too? Outside of this lovely group of woman who have been through so much there are physical groups you can go to? Check on Facebook too re grief in your area as you are grieving too in a way. Just talking with other people who completely understand is very helpful. A dead wife must be very very difficult to deal with and I feel for you...
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I have been trying to get him to talk to someone but to no avail… I am afraid to speak as in many of these places it seems like we are having an affair!!!
A couple of weeks ago I seriously thought I could not take it anymore. We have been managing to have 1 week of summer holidays just the 2 of us. I usually go with my kids and when they stay with dad I go with him and it has been amazing. He is very caring and thoughtful. There is always a bit of sharing, and crying but we come out stronger after that. This year I got us a lovely, small house, just 1 bedroom, with a jacuzzi by the beach and without asking me he invited his 21 year old son (which I understand!) but also his sister in law, who is the deceased twin sister!!! I used to be very jealous of her as she is always trying to do things with him but he reassured me that he does not see her like that, that she is like a sister to him, but I know that is what everyone was expecting to happen, the two of them together. During these holidays we went to meet with their friends for a day, at the beach and the very next day his best friend posted a picture on Facebook of the whole group of them, at the beach, maybe from 7 years ago, with the deceased, saying “miss this” and my BF commented with a heart and “so much”.
Sometimes it’s just too much! He was my first love and I am grateful for this but he has my heart wholeheartedly and I will never have his…
Sorry about the rant!
 
Medeicat said:
I have been trying to get him to talk to someone but to no avail… I am afraid to speak as in many of these places it seems like we are having an affair!!!
A couple of weeks ago I seriously thought I could not take it anymore. We have been managing to have 1 week of summer holidays just the 2 of us. I usually go with my kids and when they stay with dad I go with him and it has been amazing. He is very caring and thoughtful. There is always a bit of sharing, and crying but we come out stronger after that. This year I got us a lovely, small house, just 1 bedroom, with a jacuzzi by the beach and without asking me he invited his 21 year old son (which I understand!) but also his sister in law, who is the deceased twin sister!!! I used to be very jealous of her as she is always trying to do things with him but he reassured me that he does not see her like that, that she is like a sister to him, but I know that is what everyone was expecting to happen, the two of them together. During these holidays we went to meet with their friends for a day, at the beach and the very next day his best friend posted a picture on Facebook of the whole group of them, at the beach, maybe from 7 years ago, with the deceased, saying “miss this” and my BF commented with a heart and “so much”.
Sometimes it’s just too much! He was my first love and I am grateful for this but he has my heart wholeheartedly and I will never have his…
Sorry about the rant!
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I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult situation. The emotions surrounding your partner's twin and family must be incredibly complex and overwhelming. It's natural to have concerns, but have you heard directly from anyone that there's an expectation for your partner to move on with his sister-in-law? Sometimes when our emotions are so fraught or on high alert it can lead us to assume things that aren't necessarily true or expected. It's understandable that your partner's sister-in-law wants to spend time with him - he's likely her strongest connection to her twin. Her actions are probably motivated by a desire to keep her sister's memory alive and a feeling of you being a threat to keeping her sisters memory alive. And your partner might feel a sense of guilt and obligation to maintain that connection. It's a challenging situation for everyone involved, but especially for you as its difficult for you to explain or change things when all the emotion is around a person who has passed.


Moving forward, it might be helpful to establish some gentle but clear boundaries around your time together as a couple. For future trips, perhaps consider accommodations that are just right for the two of you. This could naturally create some space while still being considerate of everyone's feelings.


How long ago did your partner's wife pass away - sorry if I missed that? It sounds like it might be relatively recent, which would certainly add to the complexity of the situation.


Please know that it's not true that you'll never have his heart as fully as he has yours. Grieving is a process, and for someone who's widowed, it can take time to work through feelings of guilt about deeply loving someone new. But that doesn't mean it won't happen. Remember, it's okay to protect your heart while still loving him wholeheartedly. Setting kind but firm boundaries can help create a healthy balance for all involved. You're navigating a really challenging situation with grace, and it's important to take care of yourself too.
 
I think they were all really insensitive to your feelings, and I'm wondering if it's the former wife's family who aren't letting him move on, rather than him still being very close to them. Perhaps they invited themselves.

Apart from boundaries, as LIC says, next time, book it somewhere he has never been with the former wife or family before!
 
Esme said:
I think they were all really insensitive to your feelings, and I'm wondering if it's the former wife's family who aren't letting him move on, rather than him still being very close to them. Perhaps they invited themselves.

Apart from boundaries, as LIC says, next time, book it somewhere he has never been with the former wife or family before!
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Thats a really good point Esme. They could indeed be the ones sabotaging and using pressure and guilt to keep him focused on the loss rather than the future.
 
LostinCanada said:
I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult situation. The emotions surrounding your partner's twin and family must be incredibly complex and overwhelming. It's natural to have concerns, but have you heard directly from anyone that there's an expectation for your partner to move on with his sister-in-law? Sometimes when our emotions are so fraught or on high alert it can lead us to assume things that aren't necessarily true or expected. It's understandable that your partner's sister-in-law wants to spend time with him - he's likely her strongest connection to her twin. Her actions are probably motivated by a desire to keep her sister's memory alive and a feeling of you being a threat to keeping her sisters memory alive. And your partner might feel a sense of guilt and obligation to maintain that connection. It's a challenging situation for everyone involved, but especially for you as its difficult for you to explain or change things when all the emotion is around a person who has passed.


Moving forward, it might be helpful to establish some gentle but clear boundaries around your time together as a couple. For future trips, perhaps consider accommodations that are just right for the two of you. This could naturally create some space while still being considerate of everyone's feelings.


How long ago did your partner's wife pass away - sorry if I missed that? It sounds like it might be relatively recent, which would certainly add to the complexity of the situation.


Please know that it's not true that you'll never have his heart as fully as he has yours. Grieving is a process, and for someone who's widowed, it can take time to work through feelings of guilt about deeply loving someone new. But that doesn't mean it won't happen. Remember, it's okay to protect your heart while still loving him wholeheartedly. Setting kind but firm boundaries can help create a healthy balance for all involved. You're navigating a really challenging situation with grace, and it's important to take care of yourself too.
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She passed away 6 years ago. I wasn’t sure what do to when I found out but a week after sent him a message with my condolences. To my surprise he replied immediately with a crying emoji. I was going through my own struggle (marriage breakdown) but left it to the side to try and console him. We would exchange messages all night, I was always asking him about his son and things I new he enjoyed. We had not spoken/see each other for 20 years and it just seemed that we had gone back in time… Obviously he was in a very bad state. I used to notice that sometimes he would not even ask how I was, or my children. He would go out with friends and not say anything for days. There was a point when I asked if we were talking as friends or if something more, he said something more. We started to call each other. About 9 months later we met for a coffee, then for dinner, and around a year later we spent the night. We both felt that familiarity and everything was so natural! We spoke about this, about how hard it was for him and nerve wrecking for me, but at the time we did not even notice this.
I always had a gut feeling that the twin sister was into him, she never had a serious boyfriend, never got married, does not have children. And then it’s the little things, she needed to go to an appointment and asked him to take her. Easter and Christmas are still at her house, I showed up (obviously invited) after Easter lunch and offered to help her clean the washing up and she was so angry she did even try to make conversation. It was clear she did not want me there, but he did and he even when to meet me downstairs so I would not walk in by myself.
I do think they tried to sabotage our holidays, instead of being just the two of us, after dinner, having our coffee, talking, laughing, dancing, looking at the stars, she was there every single night, talking about when they went there and did this and that…
I am doing my best, I am always polite, always with a smile but they are getting to me to the point I am questioning how much more I can take…
 
Esme said:
I think they were all really insensitive to your feelings, and I'm wondering if it's the former wife's family who aren't letting him move on, rather than him still being very close to them. Perhaps they invited themselves.

Apart from boundaries, as LIC says, next time, book it somewhere he has never been with the former wife or family before!
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I cannot say one word about his SIL and yet he does not see the type of emotional blackmail. Like calling him on New Year’s Eve, when he is with me, to say that she is all alone (her choice, though), or on Valentine’s Day calling him at dinner time, when I had cooked him an amazing meal and he leaves the table to talk to her!
 
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