More trouble !

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
So H has been receiving some extremely unsavoury texts from his son.
H had been texting very kind messages to Ss for the past few months trying to encourage a visit and dome bond time between them. H has received absolutely nothing in return from SS except abuse. Ss states his father changed as soon as he met me. Ss was 6 when H met me! So you can see where he gets that little gem from.

It has come to a head this week.
SD planning to come and visit us in the new year. Ss Absolutely not interested, in fact quite the opposite.
H has been ill recently and SS texts H, "go and die" also THE most disgusting swear words you can imagine being directed towards H and i guess me too but ive only been told about the texts, i havent seen them.
So needless to say H is at the end of his tether with this kind of behaviour. He lost his temper and spouted abuse back at SS. (This goes against my advice)
Next day EFH is emailing more abuse. Name calling and " leave my son alone, you 2 are vile!!!"
Nothing to do with me just to add..

Then SD ( who is apparently in the same room as SS and possibly EFH is watching the entertainment show too,) gets involved and H who is utterly pissed off starts having a go at her too. I mean the things he said are correct.
He said she should have apologised to me by now for the nasty lengthy text messages she sent me last year. Also that the only reason she is coming is because I arranged it. SD states, she had intended on sorting things out with me once she was here. She says she was coming here with an open mind.
Now this is all well and good but, i cant help but feel like she thinks shes doing me some kind of favour by gracing us with her presence?
She states to H, I should have met her halfway along the line? How is this so?
H points out that I was the one who ( broke the silence between H and his family) wrote the email to EFH to try to smooth things over with Skids in the first place, in order to get SD out for a visit and then further points out that as a result of my kind, forgiving, apologetic email to EFH i got a shit load of verbal abuse in a responding email accusing me of "abusing" the stepkids! Horrific!

SD questions, "what abuse" H tells her that her mother is a nasty bitch!

I dont know any more about that conversation this is all from H who deals with these matters whilst Im at work.
So basically SD now doesnt know if she wants to come at all.
H who goes about everything in the wrong way wants nothing more to do with his son. To be honest I dont blame him i have told him to leave it alone its not working for anyone at the moment.
H says if SD doesnt make her mind up whether she wants to come or not he will cancel her flight.
H says he thinks hes better off without them in his life because the whole thing feels uncomfortable and that some things are not meant to be?
This is all very sad. What we would like is a quiet amicable life. With Hs kids feeling they have a place in our home any time they like but its impossible with EFH constantly dripping poison in their ears.
I also think she is a very bad parent for allowing SS to say such disgusting things to his father in text messages which she has obviously seen and probably finds funny.
🙄
 
Oh goodness - I'm surprised at H - after all this time trying to keep up contact with his kids, to go and lose it and say all that. How old is SS? Maybe I'm being soft, but if he is sending things like that, he must either be completely alienated, or be feeling very hurt and rejected himself. It's the kind of thing he should write in a diary, for catharsis, rather than put in a text message.
 
They want me out of his life. They wont be happy until he divorces me. Its a huge strain on our marriage.
 
Our EFH has been trying for that for donkeys years as well. Wanted OH single and easily manipulated with no support. And no step parent around to threaten her ego.

Ignore what she wants. It's her not they really. SD sounds a bit more amenable at the moment. SS sounds troubled and manipulated - all EFH doing.
 
It would just be too nice wouldn't it.
A happy pair of children who get along with me and H, who love us and enjoy spending time with us. That would be EFHs worst nightmare wouldn't it.
No its too hard.
H has given up. Sd is definitely not coming . She started on about me again.
They are obsessed with me, they never speak to me but every time H has a difficult conversation with them they disrespect me. Say Im unreasonable. Say they dont like me, its all my fault that hes not around.
There is absolutely no reasoning. Everything we say is met with opposition. We are the enemy.
So H has cut his losses now.
He received more abusive emails from EFH.
Why did she have to be a part of our lives? Anyone but her. She is such a miserable negative woman. GU at her worst.
 
Seems to me SD didnt need much of an excuse to change her mind. The slightest whiff of her having to apologise to me for her past rudeness and shes out.
Mini GU thinks shes above respect and politeness for other people.
 
Of course they will be telling the in laws that I have spoilt the trip!
Absolutely nothing to do with me.
 
I know it’s difficult, but you have your children and husband.
Don’t ruin what you built because of WFH.
She cannot stand that your H has moved on years ago with you.
Try and explain to your H that replying back with some nasty comments doesn’t help. Take the high ground and explain to him that the best thing he can do is write, I won’t even reply to this.
Sadly I acted like a lot like your SC. Than at one point when I was older I realized things can happen in life and resumed my communication with my father.
According to my mother my SM was a cheat and destroyed the family. SM kept out of it. She knew what went on, but still kept out of it. Just wouldn’t respond. Actually according to my mother she did write a letter of how poorly me and my sister behaved, but that was it, early on.
His children have at this point started punishing their father and even if he would divorce my SM, they would still punish him. Your H is the black sheep of the family.

In his place I propose he writes them a postcard for Christmas and NY, just saying all the best and telling them they are welcome any time.

It’s a formality, but it will count later on. Maybe send them both a present in terms of some financial donation.

In time this will pay off, very likely. Things change and don’t stay the same.
Start your own story as you wish it would be and bypass their obscenities.

Children can behave very badly and can hurt a marriage. We all know that.
But they are individuals and have to make their own lives. Force is not the answer.
They will make their own choices. I’ve learned that the hard way.

Don’t be pushed away because things are not going well on one point in your life.
Enjoy your summer with friends. Go out or invite people over so both of you don’t feel alone.

In the end it is your life and your choices. If you choose to be their victim, you may stay bitter for years. Don’t. Do your own thing.
We all had to, have to.
And don’t go into depression with your H. It is not your depression.
Also remember there will always be people who will envy you and try to push you away. Envy is a b…..h.
There is nothing wrong with you, EFH is jealous and envious and that is the whole pathology of the ex wife syndrome.
It has to do with her life and her dissatisfaction and powerlessness. Children are her weapons.

Stay active and don’t stay isolated.

You keep talking about EFH and SC as if you shouldn’t exist, but please have some pride in the human being you are and have some self confidence. We can’t win them all, but we can still live a good life.

I am myself coming out of my own experiences, my own misery. I just talked to a friend of mine who has to sort things out with people at work and she could not understand how some people can be so nasty and there was no reasoning with them.
Her comment was,”I could never fully understand you and EFH and that relationship. I thought there must be a way to sort things out. I now understand that some people need to go out of our lives, because they are so toxic”.

It takes experience to understand this pathology with absolutely no reasoning or rational thinking. It can drive a person mad. But at one point you have to say NO MORE! And get them out of your head, all of them.

Live your life and your H will pick up on it. Mine did, he still has his lows, but is doing better.

I have started playing the piano again. I blamed bad memories and all that went wrong in my family on my parents.
Than I sat down and I enjoyed playing. I just did it and went over myself. It’s a small thing, but anything helps. We don’t have forever, so it is time to really grow up and don’t let others take over your life.
Easy to write, more difficult to do. Sometimes you just do something out of the ordinary and you come to enjoy it.

Don’t give up on your life. Things always change, we have the power to change the way we live and that is a lot.

Be well.
 
Some really spot on points there Maya - yes EFH has managed to bust you all up. And the kids will need to grow up a bit and think for themselves. Once they are more independent things might be different.

It would just be too nice wouldn't it.
A happy pair of children who get along with me and H, who love us and enjoy spending time with us. That would be EFHs worst nightmare wouldn't it.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. And that is their main aim. They just couldn't handle you all playing happy families. Our EFH is the same - a total destroyer of relationships. OH used to be magnanimous and say - she must be a very unhappy person to do things like that. Which used to frustrate me - it might be true but we were sitting ducks!
 
Maya said:
I know it’s difficult, but you have your children and husband.
Don’t ruin what you built because of WFH.
She cannot stand that your H has moved on years ago with you.
Try and explain to your H that replying back with some nasty comments doesn’t help. Take the high ground and explain to him that the best thing he can do is write, I won’t even reply to this.
Sadly I acted like a lot like your SC. Than at one point when I was older I realized things can happen in life and resumed my communication with my father.
According to my mother my SM was a cheat and destroyed the family. SM kept out of it. She knew what went on, but still kept out of it. Just wouldn’t respond. Actually according to my mother she did write a letter of how poorly me and my sister behaved, but that was it, early on.
His children have at this point started punishing their father and even if he would divorce my SM, they would still punish him. Your H is the black sheep of the family.

In his place I propose he writes them a postcard for Christmas and NY, just saying all the best and telling them they are welcome any time.

It’s a formality, but it will count later on. Maybe send them both a present in terms of some financial donation.

In time this will pay off, very likely. Things change and don’t stay the same.
Start your own story as you wish it would be and bypass their obscenities.

Children can behave very badly and can hurt a marriage. We all know that.
But they are individuals and have to make their own lives. Force is not the answer.
They will make their own choices. I’ve learned that the hard way.

Don’t be pushed away because things are not going well on one point in your life.
Enjoy your summer with friends. Go out or invite people over so both of you don’t feel alone.

In the end it is your life and your choices. If you choose to be their victim, you may stay bitter for years. Don’t. Do your own thing.
We all had to, have to.
And don’t go into depression with your H. It is not your depression.
Also remember there will always be people who will envy you and try to push you away. Envy is a b…..h.
There is nothing wrong with you, EFH is jealous and envious and that is the whole pathology of the ex wife syndrome.
It has to do with her life and her dissatisfaction and powerlessness. Children are her weapons.

Stay active and don’t stay isolated.

You keep talking about EFH and SC as if you shouldn’t exist, but please have some pride in the human being you are and have some self confidence. We can’t win them all, but we can still live a good life.

I am myself coming out of my own experiences, my own misery. I just talked to a friend of mine who has to sort things out with people at work and she could not understand how some people can be so nasty and there was no reasoning with them.
Her comment was,”I could never fully understand you and EFH and that relationship. I thought there must be a way to sort things out. I now understand that some people need to go out of our lives, because they are so toxic”.

It takes experience to understand this pathology with absolutely no reasoning or rational thinking. It can drive a person mad. But at one point you have to say NO MORE! And get them out of your head, all of them.

Live your life and your H will pick up on it. Mine did, he still has his lows, but is doing better.

I have started playing the piano again. I blamed bad memories and all that went wrong in my family on my parents.
Than I sat down and I enjoyed playing. I just did it and went over myself. It’s a small thing, but anything helps. We don’t have forever, so it is time to really grow up and don’t let others take over your life.
Easy to write, more difficult to do. Sometimes you just do something out of the ordinary and you come to enjoy it.

Don’t give up on your life. Things always change, we have the power to change the way we live and that is a lot.

Be well.
Click to expand...
You keep talking about EFH and SC as if you shouldn’t exist,
Click to expand...

This is how i feel .
I think some people are easily bullied. I think I am one of those people.
I didnt get along with my mother and she made it clear on many occasions that I was unwanted.
I was close with my brother but when he got married his wife was jealous of our relationship and she made sure I was not any part of their lives.
I desperately wanted a family of my own to love. My 1st childs father was seriously mentally ill with bipolar disorder. He slept with a prostitute behind my back. His mother was particularly awful towards me and made my life difficult. He had 2 children from a previous relationship and he grieved for them and refused to participate in mine and my daughters life.
I moved on. My 2nd childs father (my 1st husband) I found out was living with another woman after 11 years together. I was devastated. He turned his back on us in a split second.
I had absolutely zero support from anyone. I was completely alone in the world. It was the most difficult time of my life. On top of this I was fighting for the corner of my disabled daughters rights in the care system and my son was only 7 and he was grieving the loss of his father. His (absent) father called social services and told them I was an unfit mother. I told them he was absent, they had no interest in him. A report came back saying I was an excellent mother . I kept it. I met my current husband literally weeks after I found out about my husbands affair. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. I had thought it was the end of relationships for ever and that I would never find love again but to my delight I did. Everything seemed perfect at first. People were being friendly and interested but slowly that all began to fade. MIL told me she could never be friends with me because EFH had hurt her so badly, she felt cheated. She said she believed EFH loved her and that she had to go to counselling to get over her nastiness. EFH started chipping away at us. She said our relationship was fake. She then said our marriage was fake too. We had the children regularly but there were no thanks. It was expected of me. I was EFHs handmaiden. It always felt that way. Authoritarian. The children were all treated equally under my roof. I feel that my children went without sometimes. So that we could provide bedrooms for the step children. I watched as they were spoilt every event whilst my children got less because they had only me to provide for them whilst stepchildren had more than 2 familes worth of love. I participated in family times, I didnt enjoy them, I felt that me and my children were surplus to requirements. Not welcome or wanted but tolerated.
I had a nice relationship with my stepchildren. I could see the cracks starting once they reached mid teens. Dirty looks. Snide comments. EFH was having the effect she desired upon the children. I knew it was coming. Today I feel bullied into nothingness. I feel invalid. Its not just that part of my life its every part. I worry about my children that I have never been able to give them enough. I feel guilty for wanting to spoil them and care for them when H doesnt have his children around.
I never got the family I so desperately wanted. I got rejected from every relationship that I wanted to build upon. I feel that Christmas will be tainted because whilst I want to give my children a good time, H will always be sad because he can never share good times with his children.
Here I am, I know my H is hurting and that hurts me a lot. I have no family, no in laws and no stepchildren. I have been rejected by everyone.
It doesn't feel good. I have low self esteem and struggle to believe there is a valid space for me in this world.
 
I am so sorry Noodle. The thing is you are a valid person :) Especially to your daughter. I am sure many of us have had bad relationships in the past, but it's not our fault. Now yes a psychologist might say we keep picking the wrong man due to previous difficult family relationships but there are many woman who have a bad-un and have normal family relationships. I've had my fair share of tossers as well.

I admire that you coped with your two children on your own and then took on H and his children. It's such a shame EFH ruined it all. I do think these ex's step the game up when the kids hit the teen years - I think they are preparing for the time when the kids can choose who they want to live with (16) and want to make damn sure they don't choose to live with you.

It's so sad when a relationship has been disrupted but you have the memories of those good times when you were a good stepmum and those kids knew you cared. Somewhere inside they still know that and have those memories, but right now those memories have been submerged due to EFH campaign of derogation. I think they will emerge again.

I also never got the family I wanted. Didn't have children of my own. I didn't expect to feel much for SS as knew he had two parents and thought I could be detached. I was wrong. This little thing loved me and I loved him back. And when he started chattering more, EFH realised that and had to try and bust things up - jealousy.

I think the reason you're feeling low and not valid right now, is because your H is coping with the situation with the skids and that is maybe distancing him a bit. But you are valid. You have your daughter and you do have H even though it feels a bit weird right now.

You have no need to feel guilty because you haven't done anything wrong. I think for a lot of us stepmums/second wives, we give a lot and work hard and do all the right things, but don't get any recognition for it.

You're well rid of your two ex men. I was a bit naive about men when younger, assuming they were all going to be like my Dad - good guys. It was a shock to find some men care more about themselves than about you or their family. I once read an article (I think it was in Marie Claire) where they interviewed a wide range of men and asked them if they'd ever be unfaithful. Some were very honest and said they would if they thought they could get away with it, but it was just lust. A few said they would never do it because they didn't want to hurt their wife/partner but made clear that they had thoughts and it was just lust not about feelings or caring for someone.

Mind you some women have affairs too. Just be glad that is behind you. I suspect you are going through a similar phase to me - regardless of how good or bad the skid relationships are - the children are grown up - including your own, and Christmas can feel a bit - so what's this about then? I have always longed for a big family Christmas with lots of family and noise and jolliness - and never had that. As a child I kind of had that as we always travelled to my Grandma's where the rest of the family were.

I think what we miss - as a step parent, and with older children, is that sense of family tradition. I got a bit low about Christmas a few weeks ago - but have got past that stage now. Now I'm just into enjoying organising it - even though I know it will be very quiet on the day.

The last couple of years I've said to OH that it';s quiet and boring just the two of us and he got quite upset! As if I was suggesting he was boring. So he likes it - having Christmas dinner together and watching some Tv. Even though we both find it quiet without SS.

I think it's a lull - Christmas won't feel the same again until there are grandchildren - ie children around again. But you can find little things you enjoy. OH works in the morning. I used to find it so quiet. Then the day seemed very long with just the two of us. And it was a relief when it was next day again. It'll probably be like that again. It gets too dark and cold to go for a walk after lunch. We used to go to church the night before and that felt like we'd had Christmas! Then the next day was just kind of going through the motions. Mainly because we didn't open presents until SS was here.

Anyway - maybe think of one nice thing you can do that feels nice for you at Christmas. For me it was choosing a fake tree that is pre-lit this year. I will really enjoy having that tree because I got fed up wiht the hassle of trying to get the lights on the tree and wires everywhere. It'll be nice and simple. It's only 3'6, easy to put together and then just hang a few baubles.

So I also don't have much to look forward to - but I kind of enjoy getting the house looking nice and organised as a kind of ritual and putting the tree up. Given the choice though, I wouldn't do anything - I'd go on holiday! Not bother with tree or food etc.

You've just had this unpleasant situation happen with DH and his family and it must feel like it's spoiled Christmas - maybe it feels like that right now but you can put that out of mind nearer the time and focus on having a nice day the two of you. Will your daughter come?

You'll just have to tell him not to wallow on Christmas day and say you should both just enjoy the time together, and start talking about what you plan to do. It's always a lot of work though.

At the back of it I know that feeling of rejection is awful and even if you rationalise it that it's not the kids who rejected you, but their minds have been polluted, it is still unpleasant. I've had things like that at times when SS got hostile and it makes you feel terrible, unwanted, and in the way. In your own home.

But this is your home and you deserve to enjoy it and be happy in it. But Christmas is such a blooming pressure sometimes when we don't fit the stereotypical idea of a big happy family. I think it is a stereotype though - a lot of these families fall out at times.

After my divorce (he had an affair too) I had a few years of Christmas on my own. It was horrible. I had a rift with my own family at the time and no contact. I decided to ignore it the first year but that isn't easy - everything is closed. I ended up going to church on Christmas Even and chatting to a homeless boy as I came out of church. And ended up taking him to a pub across the road and getting him a hot drink. It was not part of the plan but made me feel useful. Another year I went on a photographic break. That was weird - other people there were either alone or widowed so it wasn't exactly jolly - but we had some nice walks and food. After that I got the travel bug and used to go and stay with a single friend abroad - that was great. Christmas day was still very quiet and I'd have pangs of feeling like I was missing a family atmosphere, but I always came back feeling re-energised when everyone else was depressed in January. I actually miss those Christmases now as it's hard work organising and cooking

I think even conventional couples get to this stage when the kids have grown up and they feel Christmas is a bit pointless just the two of them. Until grandchildren come along. I',m not expecting that. If SS does have kids I can't imagine they'd be coming here - they'd be going to BFH's probably.

Could you go out for Christmas lunch? I was going to do that this year for us - OH didn't want to - in the end I didn't bother because it was so expensive!

But going back to feeling a valid person - I think we sometimes feel like that because we don't seem to have a fixed role any more and have invested so much in family that it leaves a void. And you wonder what your point is. Well at the back of all that, your point is just being you and I think other people can help you feel interesting, clever and funny again. Hence suggesting before, joining a new class in something and learning something new - it gives an added dimension.

When I started an open university course many years ago, we had one session a week as a group - the rest was home learning. We'd stay after for coffee or a drink and other women were telling me how clever, funny, attractive I was. And it really made me realise I was much more than my (soon to be ex) husband thought of me! Your H has done this thing - now he has to pull his socks up and accept the end result is partly his own making.

You said it was wonderful when you met. Forget about the kids - teenagers are a nightmare at Christmas anyway - they'd probably stay out all night or get drunk and cause a load of stress. They are getting on with their own lives and more interested in their friends. Maybe try to remember what it was like in the early days with H and remind him and have a nice time together. You two deserve to have lives regardless of what the situation with the kids is.

If H isn't being there for you then find something that makes you happy. Even just a little thing like a mini project. I've been clearing and sorting out a spare room and thinking about repurposing it.
 
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At some points in my life I think I felt as alone as you.
We don’t choose our families and we can’t make anyone care about us.
Today I focus on my girls and if SSs want to join they are more than welcome.
My H was incredibly sad and disappointed at life when he lost everything he had, gave it up for the sake of peace, he was sad because EFH moved abroad and the sadness went on when SSs were not doing well, some drugs, some alcohol, failing at school… It too years for them to get on track and they are still somewhat unsettled. But much has improved.
I felt guilty too for not giving my girls enough, but your children will need you in some way all their life. I know mine do, even if it is just to talk it out and for me to listen. At least they know I am here for them and that should always keep you going.
I don’t look back, but look more at how I can support them now.
I know it is important to them to know I have their back. They have their father, but he is not much help, so they had to accept that.
You have your challenges and your H has his. Everybody does.
Keep your head up and keep going even if your H is sad. It is very challenging to be supportive when we feel hurt too, but that is what we have to do.
They say fake it until you make it and don’t look for perfection. You are lucky to have your children around and your H is lucky to have you and your children.
At one point things will change, they always do, but until than we have to make the most of what we have.

Me and H both had Covid again and this time I am better off, not yet fully healthy, but better.
H is in bad shape now for a third week, worried about the job. Prior to this he has shoulder injury and has to have further consultations.

I am tired, but have to do as much as I can. So it is not easy at all.

I keep saying we will be fine and so far it works.
It also means making small changes in life that are improvements. I learned that from a friend of mine whose husband went bankrupt and they almost lost their home, her mother’s home and his mother’s home. He took out loans and was quite manipulative in that sense asking them to vouch for him, thinking if he could invest more, he would get a huge return, but he just kept on spending and failing.
He had a second bankruptcy, because one wasn’t enough for him to realize his way may not be the best way.
She had it tough, but kept going and saying we will make it. She has three sons and couldn’t just leave because loans were taken out in her name. It was difficult, forgiving her H took years, but they are together today, kids all grown up. She found other activities that she enjoys.
You can only imagine how her mother felt and how my friend felt when all of this went down.
They separated for a few years and even divorced to save their home, but there was always some connection.
It was not the life she wanted, not even close to what she wanted for her children, but it happened.

There are many variables in life. It isn’t up to us.
This is not your fault although we all ask ourselves what is wrong with us, nothing.

I recently had a similar crisis, was also unwell at the time and I felt nobody wanted or needed me.

We both know there are people that needs us. Children and our parents, even if they don’t say it.
I was far from poor when growing up, but felt poor, because no one had time for me, so the one thing you can give your children is your time and your love. That means the most.

Don’t spend your time regretting, find the good in your life. You don’t really have a choice. None of us do. We don’t have that luxury.

You are having a few difficult day, but it will pass. Maybe you could start decorating your home. It will make you and your children happier and H will pick up on it.

Sometimes we just have to be the strong ones. We are all here for a purpose and the harder it gets, the more we matter. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a big family, you have a family.

H has no family, except SSs - as much as he does, in terms of any relationship. His oldest brother wouldn’t even look at him, his sister is a complete liar and manipulator, the other one opportunistic, lies when it suits her and the middle brother who was the worst to me is turning out to be the only one H can talk to. Most of his relatives don’t talk to him, because he is not relevant. They barely contact him and only to ask a favor.
He can be difficult, after a few drinks or without, he cries and mourns the loss of his siblings. I don’t think he would cry so much if I actually died, let alone if we would split up, but that is just how life is. Sometimes he hurts, rarely is he happy these days, he barely has any willpower, but I can’t loose my direction because of him. I really can’t. And maybe, day by day he is a little better because of it.

We can be miserable for the rest of our lives, but recently I am more and more aware that I don’t have forever, so accepting what is, is really a lifesaver and making the most of it, the next step.

I will not pity you, none of this is your fault, bipolar is difficult, H’s nephew has it and there is nothing you could have done. Parents are only people and live in their own worlds.
Siblings are siblings. I invited my sister and her partner and her children for Christmas, she didn’t even bother to call. Is this my fault, no.
Her partner is the most selfish person I know, he was never married or has any children. He did what he wanted, was once a good sportsman and that’s what he remained. He has his own working hours, the rest of the time he is traveling, climbing…, still at this age. He never grew up and my sister almost gave up on her girls. I think they barely speak and has increasingly become like him. Nothing to do with me.

So you see there is a lot of this going around. What I have found for myself is a coach, therapist who supports me in what I do and I have found it helpful.

Stay strong and know your place.
 
A coach or counselling sounds like a good idea. I also agree with don't look back but we do sometimes. It sounds to have been a stressful week and this situation with EFH and the stepkids still dominating your lives. Although it also sounds like DH might have made some decisions as well and moved past the wallowing stage. So maybe things will improve now x
 
Thank you both for your kind and supportive words. Its good to have people here who understand. Im sorry for both of your experiences too. Life is never easy for anyone is it.
I think what would have been nice but is just me being idealistic is if just once along the way EFH could have backed down and said look lets stop this what can we do to make things better for all of us? It had to be me who did it and it wasnt the first time I offered her an olive branch. She is incapable of introspection or any kind of reasoning and is fuelled with hate and animosity. She must enjoy it.
I think you are correct Esme, H seems to have drawn a bold line under his experience. Even he has now had enough. He knows there is no point even trying. The children are well and truly alienated. You cant change a belief system, people have to do that by themselves.
I know you guys have advised me against having my say but we have nothing more to lose. I let EFH know what I think of her this weekend. That will be my last communication with any of them ever. Im done with them all now. Im sick of being to blame for every single incident that happens in their lives. They can find someone else to hate.
Ive called her out on her appalling behaviour, allowing the children to disrespect their father so badly and also her determination to destroy any kind of relationship the children have with their father. It was very civil. No swear words, no name calling just fact. The fact that anyone would believe I had stolen H from her the way she acts so jealous and vindictive all the time. I told her she can no longer control us in her authoritarian manner, that her threats towards us carry no weight any more because she has already done her worst.
She emailed H the next morning but he didnt even read it. She told SD and sent her a copy of the email. SD cries...to H..."tell your wife to leave my mummy alone its not fair." Pfftt. I no longer care.
Your support has helped me massively. I hope I can offer the same in return to you guys in the future x
 
That does sound like an alienated child - accusing you of attacking Mummy. That isn’t rational - they were adult conversations. It’s a crazy circus.
 
When I wrote to EFH, SSs had a few years of no contact with me. It hurt at first, but like you, she reached my limit and I had to stand up to her for the sake of my wellbeing. It felt good if nothing else. I felt human again with some amount of self respect and dignity.
I also went against the advice, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
Today I take it as the issue with me and EFH. She has no right to destroy my family, bully me, flirts and indecent proposals are out. I told her everything including the fact that if she ever tries anything against my family, I will be the one dealing with her directly. She fired too many lawsuits, one against my EDD and that destroyed me, staying quiet destroyed me. Only than did I start my recovery. We need to set some boundaries, otherwise all hell breaks loose and anything goes.

Good for you.
I have noticed that after me standing up for myself SSs have more respect, because they know I no longer care if they tell their daddy on me. I’ve had enough and your H should know that too.
 
Maya said:
When I wrote to EFH, SSs had a few years of no contact with me. It hurt at first, but like you, she reached my limit and I had to stand up to her for the sake of my wellbeing. It felt good if nothing else. I felt human again with some amount of self respect and dignity.
I also went against the advice, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
Today I take it as the issue with me and EFH. She has no right to destroy my family, bully me, flirts and indecent proposals are out. I told her everything including the fact that if she ever tries anything against my family, I will be the one dealing with her directly. She fired too many lawsuits, one against my EDD and that destroyed me, staying quiet destroyed me. Only than did I start my recovery. We need to set some boundaries, otherwise all hell breaks loose and anything goes.

Good for you.
I have noticed that after me standing up for myself SSs have more respect, because they know I no longer care if they tell their daddy on me. I’ve had enough and your H should know that too.
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That sounds horrendous Maya, why did she file a lawsuit against your daughter?

These women are obsessively ill.
Yeah, Im not sure how I feel at the moment.

H has kind of back tracked a bit. I think even though he was the one who said it doesnt feel right having SD visit, she has not actually said she is not coming and he hasnt actually cancelled her flight.

What SD said to H was, you ask me to visit you and then SHE starts up again.
My name is SHE .

He then had a text argument with her because everything is by text and he has heard no more since last Friday. So to be honest who knows whats going on.

Im totally with you Maya, I hope my message has gotten through, I do not actually care if EFH shows SD my emails. This is the pinnacle of the issue and you have wisely pointed that out.

I was hurt when SD started joining in with the drama , but as I said to H yesterday, she has a choice. And she has chosen to not mind her own business. She wants to join the I hate Noodle gang. Its very fashionable in her social circle so obviously she has to.

Im angry again this morning. H doesnt participate in nearly enough conversation to meet my needs.

1) How dare his ex wife try to control our lives with bullying and threats
2) How dare a silly little 18 year old think she can join in

I think Im ready to move on. H did receive another email from EFH, of course he did, she is relentless. But he has deleted them unread.

I do think that something may have clicked in SDs mind....H booked her a flight to visit us. H got so pissed off with the abusive situation that he more or less told her not to bother coming as it would be a very uncomfortable time. I then had my say due to the copious amounts of abuse directed my way ( even after i offered an olive branch) . EFH gives the my say email to SD to read. SD then runs straight to text Daddy saying leave Mommy alone... Daddy more or less says, so what!

The control issue was that, H desperately wanted his kids to come and visit him. EFH was ensuring that wouldn't happen and succeeded as Ss has zero interest in coming.

H has now taken back control of the matter by saying, if you cant / dont show us both appropriate respect then dont bother coming. 😏

Its needed. Why should we live in constant fear of defending ourselves and now be controlled by SD because EFH is losing, if not lost, her control and she knows it.

Its small steps but Im getting stronger.
 
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SD is 18 - she can still decide to come if she wants and may start to see that EFH is the problem. Does she still live at home? If so it would be harder for her to risk EFH disapproval. Text is a terrible way to communicate, IMO. It's like firing things off at an invisible target. Shame he didn't have a video call with her. On the other hand it's also less personal so maybe easier to revert to normal from - eg if he had a video call afterwards.

I think if SD did come, once she's there, and away from EFH she would act more normally and things would be ok.

Glad you're feeling stronger. I hear you both, about it being cathartic to tell EFH what you think. I almost think I'm past that, but it probably did make me unwell putting up with things and not doing that, at various times. Ours knew how to control us. Say anything back and the kid gets it. Evil. Now we have no contact with her at all. Only with SS. It's nicer for us - not sure how SS manages.
 
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