More trouble !

Shes 18, she still lives at home.
I dont think she will ever see that EFH is the problem. That is the problem.
 
I think if she did come she would be fine with her dad but not with me.
Thats fine, I can cope with that.
I would be happy to make myself scarce for the whole time but H would insist upon me playing happy families and unfortunately I am not very good at being false.
It would continually be in my head, what should I say, what should I not say that she is going to report back to EFH at the end of each day.
One cross word between me and H and she would report back how unhappy we are to delight EFH and MIL.
Its actually very unhealthy.
I think the only way at the moment is to give it some space and time.
 
That would be hard if she wasn't ok with you in your own home (had some experience of that when SS was rejecting me). Good point if she was reporting back. I was just wondering if the excitement of being in a new country and on holiday, might distract her out of all that and with being away from EFH it might give her a perspective. But I see the point she will still be in contact with EFH while there.

Agree that space and time is probably best - just thought you were wondering if OH was having second thoughts as he hadn't cancelled the ticket. He probably does want to see her. It would be difficult for you I can see. Maybe I'm just an optimist! I know situations are different, but SS used to come round after a day or so of being away from EFH. Maybe if she clicks into normality after a few days, you and H can explain to her that it's just complicated and Mum doesn't like you having a stepmum but he and you are a couple and it's normal to want people to be happy.
 
Not sure whats going on as H is not very forthcoming with the truth at the moment. Hes very hurt. I know that.
I can see that he has texted SD. (I had a sneaky look whilst he was in the shower) He has said, and this is very sad, ,"are you not speaking to me anymore?" I dont think there has been any response from her since the shit hit the fan.
Yes Esme your are an eternal optimist which is nice. I am very optimistic sometimes 🙂 i really genuinely was looking forward to SD visiting. 2 things put me off the idea,
1) I offered an olive branch. EFH ignored it and continued verbally abusing and name calling even when I was not involved
2) SD showed her true colours about her feelings towards me after I had believed things might actually be ok
So I feel my illusions were shattered.
As I said I would be prepared to put things aside for sake of H but it most certainly would not be easy.
 
Bottom line,
To SD, why is it ok for EFH (your mother) to send us many abusive emails, but not ok for us to ever respond?

This was the point H was trying to make with SD. The fact that she chooses her side and is not prepared to see reason is all the explanation I need. Its a clear case of brainwashing.

Skids say H is brainwashed by me but I dont actually display signs of hate towards anyone, its all directed towards me. Go figure.

She could choose to remain neutral. She doesnt. As stated its very fashionable to hate Noodle round her way.

Non of this is kind to H though.
 
The hate is almost always directed towards stepmothers, we are the best choice, so if anything goes wrong it is because of the stepmother.
As women we can and do have an effect on our partners and vice versa. Good or bad it’s there.
We also have opinions and common sense which doesn’t work as far as EFH goes.
Common sense is often disregarded by the children, they are usually played as any narcissist does: if you do this, go there you don’t love me, but it actually means that EFH can’t love them or trust them.
18 is not vey old and sensible decisions are difficult to make. Your H understands that she has been manipulated and has picked up on the whole bad attitude towards him and you especially, otherwise she becomes a traitor to her mother.

I would know, I have lived it without realizing it my whole life as a daughter. I thought it was normal, it is how it’s supposed to be, which is far from the truth.

The one very positive aspect in this situation is that your H put in some boundaries and is talking to SD and trying to get through. He is her father and it is the right thing to do in my opinion.
My father never called us, or the real explanation is that my mother wouldn’t let him see us or talk to us and I honestly thought he doesn’t love me.

That can damage any child and it greatly affects the way I felt about myself.

I actually think he is right, what parent can give up on his children at this stage. You keep trying all your life.
I also know it’s very difficult for you because there is just no peace.

I understand they have a new “stepfather”, so how’s that going, how much of their anger, because their mother is no longer just theirs is present and adding to bad attitude towards H and you.
I do think they have issues as any extended family does. It takes time and patience. Maybe he has his children and an ex…

All I hear is anger at H and you, which could be a sigh that they may be two very confused kids who and EFH is taking any opportunity to direct the anger and frustration towards you and not towards her current partner.
I am sure they are not the perfect couple.
 
Very wise words Maya, thank you.
Yes there is a stepfather, however we have no idea how things are. Yes he has an ex and 2 young girls. I cant help but laugh that EFH has a plate full of her own. Last I heard was the ex of the stepfather refused to speak to EFH at a school event EFH attending with stepdad. 🤣 and that was some years ago so I cant imagine it ever got any better.
Of course we hear nothing now because the children are drilled to not speak about their step father but they can say what they like about me.
 
The stepkids are extremely quick, almost like a dog whos learnt a new trick. If H mentions the stepfather he gets an automatic response, " why are you mentioning stepdad, thats weird"

But all ok to use my name as and when they please, apparently thats not weird, its absolutely fine.!
 
I think some of my attitude is based upon my own experience.
I tried for 15 years to make amends with my brother. It got me nowhere.
I would like to try and save H the pain.
It reminds me of the ancient greek myth of Sisyphus...
Continually rolling a rock up a hill only to watch it roll back down ad. infinitum.

Circles
The narrative

H tries to befriend his son
His son is rude
H tries to reason
His son is rude
H loses temper
Son is rude
H blocks son
H says its over
Back to the beginning

And so on and so forth......................
 
It sounds like you're just getting the brunt of all EFH frustrations - an easy target. Our EFH was like that - take it out on me and OH if everything wasn't going smoothlt in her life.

With your brother, that experience showed you you have to give up on some people. I think for a parent though, they can never fully give up. Even when they feel angry and say they never want to see them again - they don't mean it. It's a moment.

As for optimism - well yes sometimes you have to have a healthy dose of realism as well!
 
Yeah its a shame my parents didnt try harder with me. I was the one who always tried to fix things. They never lifted a finger once to even try and make things right. My dad had a daughter from a previous marriage. He never had a relationship with her.
My mother said it was too difficult.
She looked for him when she turned 18 for some reason. She came to visit, i was only about 13.
The visits stopped shortly after that.
Again, my dad didnt try but step sister didnt really bother either. She said it went against her mothers wishes.
I used to blame my mother, she wasnt the most friendly approachable women in the world.
She was probably mean to her.
When she came back into my dads life at 18 my mother said, "shes only come to see if we have any money." I thought that was untrue and also a mean thing to say.
Looking back I think it was a combination of my stepsisters mother telling her not to have a relationship with my dad and the fact that my mother didnt really welcome her. Well she didnt really welcome me into her life, my mother that is.
I kept in touch with my step sister for a while but she never really wanted to know me.
We have lost touch now. It became a bit hostile towards the end, she refused to answer my calls. She has her own life, she has 3 children and grand children and her mother is still alive.
I think she resented me in the end. But again how much of her opinion came from her mother and how much that really my dad couldn't be bothered anyway. But as I said, he wasnt that bothered with me. She wasnt missing anything. I havent spoken to my parents for over 15 years. They could be dead and I wouldn't have a clue.
 
That is quite a read. You did not have it easy. My own past fells like I walked on thin ice, but sometimes prevented me to fall through like in your case. You did not have a choice, the choices were never yours.

I think when you live through something like this you/we really want to make a better life for our own children and consequently for ourselves.

But I believe a resonance to those traumas remains and unknowingly we marry people with similar destinies.
Maybe the purpose of this is to find a way to deal with our current lives in a better way and take better care in of our own children and never make the same mistakes as our parents and siblings did.
I don’t quite understand, but there is something to it.

Having some issues within my family is one thing, but having no family is another level.
Now I understand even more why your perspective in all this may differ.
It is also clearer why you wanted a family, a big one.
I really just wanted to be close to H and his boys and have a decent relationship with in-laws. My ex MIL and my deceased MIL were not very good to me. For some reason they thought that their sons shouldn’t be married to me.
H’s mother apologized to me (a few years before she died) in front of H. She wanted him to know she was wrong or to put it another way, she knew exactly what she was doing for at least 10 yrs of our marriage. Trying hard to get rid of me.
In the end it gave her no satisfaction, in fact she felt the need to apologize.
But she did a great job and passed it on to brothers and sisters. H also didn’t know which way to turn many times.

I won’t even mention my ex, our marriage was worthless until MIL found fault with his second wife.

So I figured having MILs in my life was punishment enough. But than EFH came about and that was on another level, although there were similarities. They were both narcissistic and EFH knew exactly how to play Mil. I wonder how much money she got out of her, because I was bad and took it all away. Recollections may differ.
 
Thank you for understanding it means a lot to me. You have had it so very difficult too Maya.
You are correct, EFH is another level from MIL. I think in some ways we kind of expect a bit of grief from MIL its normalish but we would ideally like it to be better but EFH, hmmm i never ever expected it to be this bad.
The woman is a complete narcissist and I hate using unnecessary words, but I have no other word for the woman.

Of course all you wanted was to be close to H and his sons. Thats what you dream of when you meet someone you love. You only see brighter days ahead. Thats normal. The reality becomes abnormal unfortunately.
Its at least something that you had an apology. MIL had some introspection. She thought about her behaviour and decided she was wrong. That is rare these days. Its to be valued.

As far as I am concerned there are no where near enough people who are prepared to apologise in the world. Nowhere near enough people who even consider that they may have offended someone.

At least its something.
 
Noodle said:
Yeah its a shame my parents didnt try harder with me. I was the one who always tried to fix things. They never lifted a finger once to even try and make things right. My dad had a daughter from a previous marriage. He never had a relationship with her.
My mother said it was too difficult.
She looked for him when she turned 18 for some reason. She came to visit, i was only about 13.
The visits stopped shortly after that.
Again, my dad didnt try but step sister didnt really bother either. She said it went against her mothers wishes.
I used to blame my mother, she wasnt the most friendly approachable women in the world.
She was probably mean to her.
When she came back into my dads life at 18 my mother said, "shes only come to see if we have any money." I thought that was untrue and also a mean thing to say.
Looking back I think it was a combination of my stepsisters mother telling her not to have a relationship with my dad and the fact that my mother didnt really welcome her. Well she didnt really welcome me into her life, my mother that is.
I kept in touch with my step sister for a while but she never really wanted to know me.
We have lost touch now. It became a bit hostile towards the end, she refused to answer my calls. She has her own life, she has 3 children and grand children and her mother is still alive.
I think she resented me in the end. But again how much of her opinion came from her mother and how much that really my dad couldn't be bothered anyway. But as I said, he wasnt that bothered with me. She wasnt missing anything. I havent spoken to my parents for over 15 years. They could be dead and I wouldn't have a clue.
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It can feel so isolating when you don't have family support as well. I am going through this a bit now, since both my parents died in the last few years. And no relationship with my sister to speak of. I also had a "rift" with parents/family for about 10 years. I didn't mean it to be that long actually and we did have some contact throughout that time. Long story but things came to a head after my second divorce when I really needed some support and didn't get any. I was single for most of that period though and resolved a lot of things along the way and got stronger. My Dad never gave up trying to keep the door open and wrote every year trying to arrange to meet up. My Mother usually managed to scupper it by making "too many plans". But it did happen and I'm glad it did. It was good feeling all round. Until I went to stay. Then my Mother started - but it didn't hurt me any more and I was quite assertive and she wasn't expecting that and backed down. After that our relationship was much better and I'm really glad I got to spend time with them for the last 10 years of their lives. My sister was another matter. That blew up very quickly and she hated me being back on good terms with parents. She quite liked being the only child for a while.

I am not sure I will ever forgive my sister for some of the things she did - particularly the way she treated my parents when they were old. It's a mess sometimes.

So all I can say is - I know situations are all different, but sometimes you can get that relationship back with parents, and it can be better than before. It just takes one person to reach out and say - lets meet up. It was my Dad who never stopped wanting to try.

I still can't work out what was what with my parents marriage - I don't think it was good - but in some ways it was.
 
Esme said:
It can feel so isolating when you don't have family support as well. I am going through this a bit now, since both my parents died in the last few years. And no relationship with my sister to speak of. I also had a "rift" with parents/family for about 10 years. I didn't mean it to be that long actually and we did have some contact throughout that time. Long story but things came to a head after my second divorce when I really needed some support and didn't get any. I was single for most of that period though and resolved a lot of things along the way and got stronger. My Dad never gave up trying to keep the door open and wrote every year trying to arrange to meet up. My Mother usually managed to scupper it by making "too many plans". But it did happen and I'm glad it did. It was good feeling all round. Until I went to stay. Then my Mother started - but it didn't hurt me any more and I was quite assertive and she wasn't expecting that and backed down. After that our relationship was much better and I'm really glad I got to spend time with them for the last 10 years of their lives. My sister was another matter. That blew up very quickly and she hated me being back on good terms with parents. She quite liked being the only child for a while.

I am not sure I will ever forgive my sister for some of the things she did - particularly the way she treated my parents when they were old. It's a mess sometimes.

So all I can say is - I know situations are all different, but sometimes you can get that relationship back with parents, and it can be better than before. It just takes one person to reach out and say - lets meet up. It was my Dad who never stopped wanting to try.

I still can't work out what was what with my parents marriage - I don't think it was good - but in some ways it was.
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Im sorry to hear about those difficulties they are extremely hard to endure.
Its very interesting that you said your sister enjoyed being the only child for a while, jealousy rears its ugly head again. My brother was similar, but my mother also used the situation to her advantage. She would only speak to one child at a time. So for example she would be on friendly terms with my brother but then find a reason to exclude me and then visa versa with my brother. I recognised the pattern but he didnt.
It annoyed me because my mother has a clumsy mouth and she has nothing nice to say about anybody ever.
So my brother and his wife would be in my mothers life when she was ignoring me. She would continually upset my brothers wife, yet somehow things were always my fault.
My brother and his wife had a birthday party for their daughters 1st birthday.
I turned up with my daughter who was a similar age but my mother was running extremely late and brothers wife was fuming.
She screamed at me in front of all her guests and my brother " your mother wouldnt do this to you on your daughters birthday "
I was horrified. But thats the way it was.
My mother was mean to everyone.
She would take sides when it suited her, yet my brother and his wife especially would always try to keep in her good books and push me out.
Its crazy.
You are lucky that your dad tried so hard.
My dad and mom or brother have never once tried to reconcile with me. But I have tried and tried again.
Its not worth it and in the end I gave up and told my brother and his wife exactly what i think of them both. That really did put a nail in the coffin.
I asked him why hes not managed to speak to me for the last 15 years and why exclude me completely from his life? He didnt give me an answer. Because he doesnt have one.
I dont think people even know why they do what they do half the time. They just do what suits them at the time.
The last time I saw him, there was a confession to an extra marital affair. His wife was at my house and she looked like there was something seriously wrong with her. Clearly their marriage was experiencing problems. I was kind to her and I tried to hold her hand because she looked so upset. She recoiled from me. She hardly spoke to me that day. I never saw either of them again. They have 4 children. I dont even know them.
So my brother and his wife obviously made some kind of deal to move forward in their lives. A part of that deal was excluding me.
Unfortunately it does make it easier , reading your stories, at least I know its not just me who has a difficult time with family.
Seems to be the norm that families generally dont get on well i guess. But i have always wished I had a nice family. A perfect mother who loved me and a perfect family who are always there for each other. I get pangs in my chest when I see brothers and sisters who love each other and when I see mothers loving their children whether or not they are adults and going the extra mile for them.

I wish thats what I had .
 
I know what you mean by that. Wouldn't it be nice to have a sister who was a best friend or a Mother you were best pals with. It's not even as if you were the black sheep of the family (which I think I was) if your Mother would switch between who was favourite at the time. I think adult friends are really important as you can choose those and you can't choose your family.
 
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