Ive become a choice apparently

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
Tried to have a deep and meaningful with H yesterday.
I was trying to get him to listen to how much pressure his family situation brings us and to reiterate that we need to be united and work as a team or else we have nothing left.
Anyway, it never really smounts to anything as H cannot communicate effectively.
What he did say was this
He has had to make a choice between his wife and his children and he has picked his wife
Im uncomfortable about this, i think this will once again become an issue that will be my fault somehow down the line.
Im annoyed that he has put it that way.
I think he means well by saying it but i think there is a slither of malice in that statement somewhere
Like i should be grateful?
I didnt ask his children to hate me , nor did I encourage it
Why does this statement make me feel so uncomfortable?
 
I think there is a positive there in that he is saying he chooses you, even though it means he can't see his children. The fact he can't see his children is not because of you though, it's because of EFH. He isn't giving you up just because EFH is poisoning his kids against him.

Having said that, I can understand why you feel uncomfortable - that's natural. Because if you turn it around it could be "if I didn't have you I could see my kids". But he didn't say that - he said he chooses you - in this circumstance that you're in.

Obviously I wasn't there to hear the whole thing, but it sounds like he is reaffirming that you're the most important thing in his life.
 
Thank you.
Its hard not to take all this personally.
I know any woman would have been treated the same.
I think H sometimes believes the nonsense. He thinks there is a reason why his kids hate me. In actual fact there is no reason.
Also i have told him, he can see his children just it will have to be without me.
To H this is not an option, i think in his head it means EFH has won. And i understand that but nevertheless its an option. But he wont do it.
 
And it's all still because of EFH. The kids would behave normally otherwise.
 
True, i need to remember that .
I think H knows that, he said similar at the weekend, i think maybe, slowly he is starting to realise.
Especially when the issue woth his son had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Its strange though because H used to keep all his text messages but he deletes them all now and i think that is to protect me from the abuse. i.e. the horrible things they say about me
He doesn't want me to see
 
H now has regular contact with his dad. His mother sent us a Christmas card.
So i texted H today and said in Christmas spirit would you like me to send a return Christmas card to your parents.
His response was , "i will do it when i get home if you show me the app"
I know full well , like everything else, when he gets home he will say nothing about Christmas cards.
There is no way im mentioning it again.
I have to remind him a million times to pay his child maintenance. If he doesnt, they will take it through his employer and whack more on top.
Im having a really bad day today. H is winding me up.
Im expected to sort his shit out for him and i dont want to anymore.
I feel like i hate him today.
He neglects important things and i get the blame.
I dont give a shit about his families Christmas cards...i was being kind and got a no i will do it later.
Fuck it, it wont get done and i couldn't care less actually 💯
 
Ive just realised why im annoyed at being a choice.
Its because its not a choice.
What it is is
A) being with me
B) Going home to a son that doesnt want to know him, a daughter that has a boyfriend and will come and go as she pleases and an ex wife who wants to always make his life hell
Will she be pleasant if he goes home and lives at his mothers house or in a 2 bed house again where his children will come and go but never stay

There is no choice. EFH took his choices away
So its not a valiant choice, its a manipulation.
Its a declaration which states, look at me, look what I did for you. You should be grateful. But its nothing of the sort.
 
So basically - he still wouldn't have his kids even without you! Either that or EFH would manipulate any time he did get with them so he was a toady.

I hope you get to do some fun things. Christmas can be fraught with family difficulties but hope you have something nice planned x.
 
Sometimes it helps just to put everything out of mind those few days and focus on eating things you like - surely H can’t sit there wallowing all the time? Sorry - yes I guess he can. Maybe he is depressed. It’s just one day :) Watch a good comedy or something maybe?
 
I understand where you are coming from.
Have too much experience with being happy I am still his choice.
First it was EFH, than it was his mother, now it is his siblings and for a while it was SSs too.

It took him 15 yrs to slowly change his perspective on EFH, than on his sons bad behaviors and them avoiding me like a plague. It has been his mother for the longest time that encouraged him to divorce me, she told me after our first fight that I am always welcome at her house, but should quietly divorce her son. And he left so many times, he claims he only removed himself. Whatever, it still hurts, but I can’t suffer any more so choose to let it go.
Only after his brothers and sisters sued him, did he see what they thought of him of him all along and that they are liars and manipulators.

All I can say is that some men love to be blind to the facts because they want to avoid the pain at any cost.
EFH had to fire 5 lawsuits at him and only a few years after the whole ordeal, he finally saw the light with occasional darkness that clouded his mind when her went against me.

My H was terribly immature and childish. It was something I liked about him, an innocence, but the downside definitely outweighed the upside.

Your H is dealing with it and not running away from his wife, you! It might take time, but it sure is a hell lot better than what mine did.

Yet I stayed. And I have happy moments with him, although I am very much in my own world.
 
My husband is very immature as well.
I also think his ex wife is very immature.

I wonder if I am, but I think Im not immature, what I am is someone who doesnt / hasnt ever taken life seriously enough.
I find my situation hard to comprehend sometimes, so much so that I think I under value the cold harsh reality of it.

A good trait I suppose. Life shouldn't be taken too seriously.

H is now in full contact with his parents and daughter after facetime at Christmas was requested by them. I didnt join in. I will never join in with his parents. Ive made my decision.

I made an appearance for the sake of his daughter. This was a seperate facetime. H tells me she looked like she was going to cry when i said some kind words.

My kind words come easily. Its just a shame no one elses do.

We argued very badly over Christmas time. It was make or break actually. This is where I took life seriously. Im actually trapped in this marriage. I enjoy the days where H is relaxed and calm. I will be honest i hate the days when he is uptight and disrespectful towards me.

I have to stay, i categorically have no other choice or options.
So I made a decision to work very hard to make it work. The trouble is, i feel like the only one who tries.

I can be having a lovely night with H but once he has had too much to drink he becomes rude and unkind . I dont like him like that. He can also be very rude and unkind without a drink. He has road rage and calls people terrible names, people he doesnt know. Its ugly.

There is a pattern, the next day, i will tell him he was rude and unkind and every time without fail, he will find something, anything to blame his rudeness upon me.

But i have to stay.
Any way at least he has his family back and his daughter is happier.
 
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I think you handled the thing with his daughter really well. And tbh it's up to him to deal with his parents. It sounds like a real rocky patch at the moment. I'm really sorry things aren't better. If you've decided you have to stay then you maybe need something for yourself that fulfills you a bit outside of the marriage? Sometimes things do get better. Do you have new friends etc since you moved? Or social things you do together? That can help change a dynamic sometimes.
 
Been there, still am sometimes.
For the same reason, as in your case, I don’t have any alcohol at home and I don’t drink.
Fighting is unpleasant and hurtful, but being silent is a killer. The anger builds inside and at one point one can explode, get sick or just walk away, because there is no interest in staying.

I know for a fact that things can get better. You made the decision to stay with H, good.
Try and have as many good moments as you can and keep alcohol away from him. Maybe go out for a walk, whatever to keep him preoccupied with something else.
It’s the same as dealing with depression. Keeping busy with work or some pleasant activity is a way through such bad moments.
I think your H needs to find something that he finds pleasure in. A hobby, a vacation to look forward to, going out with friends, anything.

Some marriages are more difficult than others, but that doesn’t mean they are less solid.
In the end we choose, sometimes every day and sometimes we have to persist and push for what we know is right.

You have my full support.
 
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