I need someone to talk to.

M

Molly

New member
Hi all, first timer here.

I’ve been in my relationship for just over a year , and during that year I have dealt with my partner living with his ex while they were seperated, moving out, figuring out kids schedules , his parents feeling wierd about me/ situation , meeting kids, his friends comparing me to his ex( even if it’s for the better I want to be liked for me ! Not because the bar is set so low) , still trying to get ex to sign divorce papers , and a very rude ex . My boyfriend is so patient and tries to understand t but I think all my Insecuties and stress are going to ruin the love we have . I constantly compare my self to the ex( I know that’s wrong but I can’t keep asking questions I need to know everything for some stupid reason) im constantly worring about the kids, and how everything will work. And im not able to focus on the now.

I need to talk to someone that understands what I’m going through. My therapist is useless she just tells me to think of happier things. No kidding! It’s that easy. lol. I know all my triggers, I know all my insecurities , I even know when it’s happening … but I just need someone to vent to and turn my stress into laughter.

All my friends are starting their own families or single. They don’t understand . It’s not that they don’t try. I’m not sure if anyone one here knows of any support groups or live sessions I can talk to fellow step moms would love any input or recourses !

Thanks- still hopefull
 
Hi and welcome :) Sorry for the delay in replying. I forgot to press send after writing a message 😊 I think many of us will know exactly how you feel!

It’s great that your partner reassures you. However with things like a divorce going on in the background, it’s bound to keep reminding you of their relationship.

One word we use a lot is “detach”. If you practice it, it helps 😊. It’s hard to describe but mentally focus on things about your life and home whenever the ex pops into mind. It helps you feel grounded and reminds you this is your space which she isn’t part of.

I think it will be easier when the divorce is over but it’s a tough time.
 
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Welcome to the club.
I know your desperation. I have been through the mills.
I met H 6 yrs after his divorce, but he was not emotionally divorced. His ex still had the keys to his mother’s vacation home (I never had them). She was the mother of his children and I felt literally like a whore instead of his partner. I was in love and didn’t understand the situation before I got married. When I became his wife all hell went loose. His ex filed 5 lawsuits, one agains my EDD and I almost lost my mind until I found this space and realized I am not crazy and this is really happening.

I was told to detach, distance myself, not try to please everyone around me, not try to fit in everywhere, but I didn’t get it.
The advice sounds strange to put it mildly, but it is vital for our survival in these situations.

I know this is so overwhelming at times you are not able to focus.
I got so bad, I couldn’t think and focus at home, I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t worried, I was terrified and had to go on meds.

Don’t do what I have done.
Take it one day at a time. Don’t be afraid of loosing your partner because children can make life really difficult, so be smart and just watch the situation from a distance and see how they function.
You can’t help being involved to a point, but keep your emotions in check. Don’t try to care about all people involved, even with children thread carefully, you don’t have to be hurt on their account and softly but firmly at your boundaries.

Others may not like you for it, but you will get more respect, even if it won’t be visible at first.
Stay a bit of a mystery, don’t confide too much in your partner’s family.
Keep seeing your friends and try not to talk to them about it, because you are at high risk of not being understood. People don’t understand and they can hurt you because of their own insecurities, especially women. Married women will fear you, single women will envy you.
You may end up with a few good friends, but take into account they are not perfect people and some things you can’t confide.

Take it slower if you can and know that it’s not your drama, it’s theirs, so space out a bit when they overwhelm you.

As for his ex, she is jealous, angry and very possibly bitter. That is her problem! Not yours and you don’t have to deal with her toxicity.
She has he issues to work through.

Most importantly, don’t get too involved in your partner’s divorce proceedings. It was never your story, never your life. You come from a different place and you don’t have to get your hands dirty and most of all emotions hurt.

My advice is based on my hellish experience with in-laws and most of all the ex. She is a piece of work.
You do not have to take insults from her. The usual advice is don’t respond ignore.
In my case I had to hit back when the lawsuits were settled because she wouldn’t stop and my H did nothing.
I almost went nuts and told her exactly what I think of her and that we do not want any contact with her. I also told her if she would ever try and hurt my family she would be dealing with me and I would use everything against her, I had all the proof of her lies, documents…

It was bad, really bad.

Our partners may not want or be capable of setting boundaries, because they are firstly the mothers of their children,, they also feel guilty for leaving.
We are not guilty of their messed up relationships. We don’t have to take the abuse, it is very real.

You have mentioned everyone in-laws, children, friends…, it is a lot to deal with and try and downsize this group dealing with only a few at the time.
It will take time, so take care of not abusing your emotions and saying no to some things.

As exciting as it can be, it can be equally difficult or even more.
Try and convey some major difficulties to your partner, but understand he may not see the problems the way you do. You are the newcomer, he is not.

What also helped me was, select people you feel better with and try and spend less time with less pleasant people.
Avoid the toxic ex if you can’t stand her. You don’t have to be at the door. This will disappoint her or it could ignite her pleasure in messing with your partner, emotionally. They take their pleasure.

I don’t know your whole situation, but you are not crazy. And it is overwhelming.

Try and just focus for a few hours and practice not thinking about your problems.

I had to literally concisely take an hour at the time, focusing on other things. I was so stressed, I can’t even describe it.
I think you may understand.

Sometimes cleaning the kitchen, cooking, planning drinks with your friends are things that take you away from the stressors

I hope you find something useful in all of the above.
Just remember you are not alone and psychologists don’t understand. You have to live it and have experience to understand and they often don’t.
 
Hi Molly and Welcome,

First of all, welcome! It sounds like you've been through a lot in just a year, and I want to commend you for your strength and resilience. Navigating a new relationship is challenging enough without the added complexities you're facing.

You are in a safe group who will know and appreciate how you are feeling - and what you are going through. No judgement only emapathy (and sometimes some good advice based on experiences)

My story involved 2 ex's (yup two of them), moving countries to be with a man who had just left his 2nd ex (unbeknownst to me I didn't realise it was so recent) and he had children with both his ex wife (2 children) and his ex partner (1 child who was 10 at the time we met).

Your feelings of insecurity and stress are completely valid (and I can assure you so so normal). My partners ex for the first 4.5 years we were together contacted him daily (up to 15 times a day and that could escalate to 40 or 50 texts/emails/calls if we were doing anything romantic or going away together) and he put no boundaries on that (she played a lot on it being good for their daugther). It still boggles my mind he thought it was normal? And it still boggles my mind I stayed (although we argued fiercly over it at time) but I kept seeing that we had something special (I've dated a lot and been in a few long term relationships so appreciated something different and special). Like you though I wanted to know what was going on, particularly as I just couldn't fathom why you would communicate so much over one child that was turning 11. I/we had her child 50% of our time together and I often had no idea what was going on. She was very very 'nice' to him and treated me appallingly and as if they were still together and I didn't exist (she still pretends I don't exist). It didn't help that although his family really liked me, they still included her in things (and called me by her name SO many times as did my partner) and the first 2 xmas's we were together he spent at the ex's. She is a master manipulator (she is a senior corporate A type) and manages to always craft her communications or desires like she is offering the only sensible solution and this solution is the best thing for his daugther. Even when its a pile of shyte or a complete gas lighting lie. It's been exhausting and I was SO insecure and we nearly broke up so many times. She was the only issue we every argued about and it's hard not to compare yourself to the ex, especially when others keep bringing her up. I know firsthand how draining it can be to feel like you're always being measured against someone else, even if it's in a positive light. You want to be appreciated for who you are, not just as a relief from what came before.

What I want to share is about when I finally met her. Despite her being outside our house a couple of times a week and us seeing her at sporting events numerous times a month, my partner never introduced us, saying it wasn't his role to do so. After 2.5 years, I decided to introduce myself because I was tired of being ignored by her. When I finally met her, I was surprised by how different she was from the image I had built up in my mind and the pictures I had seen. She wasn’t what I expected at all, both physically and mentally (far older and dare I say it far more unattractive). This woman, and sometimes even my partner without realizing it, had made me feel so insecure that I imagined her to be someone she wasn’t.

My point is, regardless of who she is—whether a supermodel, an astrophysicist, or someone with a wealthy aristocrat—he has chosen you and not her. She will never ever measure up to the exaggerated image you’ve created in your head and that you use to make yourself insecure.

Recently, my partner shared something about his second ex that resonated with me deeply. He described her as "completely unremarkable" which really hit home given how intimidated I had felt by her for so long. He had stayed with her out of guilt, not because of any special connection. I should explain that despite telling her many many times he didn’t want more children (and his friends warning him she was targeting him) she was still able to trap him by getting pregnant at 43 and having assured him she was on the Pill. Coming off the emotional exhaustion from his ex-wife's affair, and his father dying in an unexpected workplace accident he really struggled to set boundaries and this new woman jumped on my broken partner. Although it hurt and angered me (oh the anger I had towards her!!) to see him overwhelmed by her attempts to control him, I realized it wasn’t about me. He was just too emotionally exhausted to fight back (having spent 16 years with an ex wife in court case after court case as she also tried to make his life hell). Now, he includes me in their communications, and I see how manipulative and, frankly, unremarkable she really is. Something that once caused me so much stress now feels far more insignificant, although it still does get to me at times.

I know how challenging it can be to feel secure in these situations, but remember, you're not alone. Your feelings are valid, and it does get better if he is the man you want to be with.
 
Bfh in my case was also unremarkable to me. She had a job, she rented a place and she could make a nice cake. And she is a total narcissist.

I own a small company, started it from scratch, I own a duplex in one part of the bigger house in the city, I also own that old cabin, I bout large office space and am selling half of it off, bought it for a low price by some crazy coincidence and an honest seller.
I don’t just own it, I work in it and have to do a lot. I guess it’s a bit of a price I am paying with no carefree vacations, more prolonged weekends.

And I felt like Bfh was so sophisticated and I was made to feel less, like she was great and I wasn’t worth noticing. The family just wanted to get rid of me. My h too sometimes. We work together, he is good at what he does and I mended the relationship every time.
Just yesterday I sad to him, imagine where we would be if everyone just left us alone and we could get along with others.
I told him he sometimes doesn’t know how good he is at what he does and acts like a nobody. Than he told me he watched a documentary on tv about role playing in the family. Since I know them, I know where he got his “I am not worthy” attitude. I told him to stop acting he is like a lower class citizen, which he sometimes does.

He had a controlling mother, he has much older siblings that told him all his life to leave things alone, because he doesn’t know how to…, he had a wife that made sure he knew he failed he a total narcissist.

I stood up to her when the lawsuits were settled and told (wrote) her what I think of her and that I never want any contact with her. As far as her sons go, they are always welcome.
I never heard of her since, I never saw her, but I could tell by the attitude of her sons what she told them. We didn’t really have much contact for a few years, but as years go by, they grow up and situations change.
I went through a lot, but everything ends at one point, even the bfh era.

I told he to f she is unhappy in her life that’s her problem and also wrote to her at the time that she has been divorced for 14 yrs. I met him 6 yrs after divorce and it hardly made any difference. She and H had her own setup going as bad as it was, they were both still entangled emotionally. I was in love, never loved anyone like him, no idea why, the first time I saw him I looked into his eyes and felt I was finally home.
But I really don’t have a nice little life with him, it got quite volatile at times and we had a lot of difficulties.
Basically we both established yesterday that we are going in a way lucky to be together and that whoever is up there just dealt us some difficult cards.
 
Honestly terrible, I have been having a really hard time finding a new Counsler . I forgot to mention I live on the other side of the country from my family and friends . I am trying to make friends but it doesn’t happen over night the kind of friend ships I need right now.

We have been thrown a bunch of stuff at us and well we are in a huge fight and he is wanting space. We have been so much becasue of communication and my insecurities.

If any recommendations on counslirs or theripist I would appriecaite !
 
I'm really sorry to hear you're still having a tough time. It needs to be the right counsellor sometimes I think. I've tried it in the past and one person just doesn't work for you at all, whereas another one might. You can actually get referred for counselling via GP referral but that can be slow (although if you say you'll accept a cancellation it could be quicker).

With your partner, sometimes it's easier to text each other :-) When things were difficult in my first year with OH we couldn't talk for arguing sometimes. But he seemed to respond better to something in writing at such times - if you keep it brief.

Your insecurities have a foundation - you're not just imagining them. And he needs to understand that you need reassurance.
 
Text is where things go bad.

Thanks for you insights :( I think he has just reached a point ( so have I ) that we can’t seem to get a day that doesn’t have a new event that makes me upset.

I’m just dealing with giving him space today and I’m not good with that cuz I am very anxious .
 
Just reading back - I take it your partner is no longer living with his ex and has moved out? That would be enough to make anyone anxious. One thing you could do is call the Samaritans. They're not just for people feeling suicidal - but also for people feeling anxious. They are trained counsellors. Sometimes you get someone who you don't think is helping much. That's ok, you can just politely end the call, phone back and get someone else. Some of them are wonderful. It's like an in depth counselling session at the time you need it. That's one benefit. The downside is it's not like seeing one person regularly. But it can help you feel grounded and be able to think clearly. They might say or ask certain things that give you a perspective or a realisation.

What are the latest events that are making you upset?
 
Molly,

I'm so sorry its so tough. Please know that it will change and pass and you will come through this - it just feels so overwhelming and so sad right now. But it WILL change. Anxiety is just awful. I had that many times in the first few years of this relationship which is now really lovely. Oh the times I had though when we just argued and argued and I cried and got anxious. Esme thats a good idea re the Samaritans. Just hanging up and trying again when you resonate with someone.

Its not always easy when you are looking for a new counsellor. Having a rapport with someone you share you most intimate and awful moments is not always easy.

I know you said Text is escalating it but what worked for my partner is emails. I would email (and put it in point form) and started out gently with 'I love you' and 'I want this to work' but would then explain that I couldn't seem to get my point across in person so I hoped this would be easier for him to read and digest etc etc. Not sure that would work either but thought would share what worked for me.

Have you got family nearby. They sometimes are just good at being near you and soaking up your pain a little bit?

I'm just sorry it feels too much. All I can guarantee is that it will change and it will pass. Just baby steps re keeping distracted when you are too anxious and try the Samaratins for some immediacy?

Sending big hugs.
 
Tests didn’t work for me either. Emails too. When I write it down, even on impulse, it stays there and H could read it over and over again and keep wondering “should I stay or should I go”. In my case anyway.
Emails were even worse, I made permanent statements that he still keeps and hasn’t deleted them. Again some more food for “should I stay or should I go”.

I was crazy stressed. I had so much adrenaline pumping in my system that it burned me out eventually and I got very sick.

Your boyfriend is most likely still figuring things out on many levels. Emotional too, because children are involved. He may feel guilty and you are right there with him.
It feels like he is fighting things out with you, because he can’t reassure you and make you feel confident.

These are not your feelings, it is his internal fight. He is changing everything about they was he lived.
I thought I was a step up from EFH, but not according to him. He was simply used to her, liked things about her, disliked many more things, but the guilt and all the crazy that goes with it, which is unbelievable to outsiders, can make any woman loose confidence.

In order to get up, you have to fall down. There aren’t many therapists around who have actual experience with this and many are prejudiced and feel you have nothing to complain about, the ex does.
My own mother told me I have to leave their relationship alone H’s and EFH’s and they have a right to have one. She hasn’t resolved her divorce from my father and is an EFH, I just didn’t know it.
On my wedding day she told SSs that I am a nobody to them and they have their own mother.
So I understand, I really do.
I know she is vile towards my father and I just blew her off, it was my day, but it came back later. No wonder I wanted to elope and keep our relationship as quiet as possible.

You can’t really change other people, but the only person you can change is you.
There is nothing wrong with you!

Your reactions are keeping you in a state of anxiety, you don’t have people to talk to, so you can post on here. It doesn’t stop overnight, but I tried to get an hour a day of not thinking about issues. It’s hard work, it’s reprogramming you thoughts.
I found it best to do mundane work like cleaning, putting on some music that I liked, my walls were painted in different colors for the first few years, just any kind of change to give you a timeout from stress.
Anxiety is a b..h. My body reacted to it and I couldn’t stop it at first, than slowly step by step.
Don’t think, was what I was aiming for and the better I got at it, better thought flow was coming to me.

Your life has changed significantly. You didn’t meet your boyfriend and than plan a future with him.
You met your boyfriend and his family and all his baggage. And that is a lot and it can be and usually is difficult, unpredictable, scary sometimes.

I think you should take it easy with his children and let him take care of them and join in, rather than feel responsible. That is sometimes a very hurtful chapter in life.

Try and distance yourself from dealing with his problems, we all had to do that, and just do your thing even if for just a few hours or a day.

Also my recent advice would be, don’t fight hard. Possibly walk out of the room and let him cool off.
I tried that and it worked, mostly. I have also tried distracting H and just said I am making some coffee, would you like some too.

Cooking helps, if it smells good, the emotions change, yours too.

I was so anxious, I had heart palpitations, high blood pressure and just couldn’t take the anxiety any more.
That is why I nowadays try to calm things down, by changing topics.

I realize that in the end it all gets sorted and our emotional involvement makes no real difference, except it hurts us.

I went to a group of women who had marital issues due to addiction, cheating, some violence and one woman is going through similar things I went through with H which has it’s own additional issues.

Everyone was talking about family patterns and themselves mostly. They found that the best way through it is by building up you own person. Those women, some have no choice but to stay or as myself want to stay in my marriage.

Anyway the ladies and my take on our situations was we are put into a space that does not originate from our family and find ourselves in someone else’s world that is unpredictable, we are not accustomed to it, we may have moral issues with and so on. She was so shocked at what her partner did and how his children reacted. She had no idea, he had issues. I felt the same way and for that moment I actually understood the bigger picture and how everything fit in and I came from a different galaxy.
It wasn’t easy for me finding my place, it still isn’t sometimes and I am still work in progress and will be until the end, I hope.

Try and find some calm in you and turn the focus to you and don’t think about how unjust the world is, but instead find something you can improve, distract, make, draw, writing made it worse for me, sometimes it help others.
I reread some of my diary from those times, I sincerely hope I will burn them before I die, but they represent a reminder of how bad things were, because I had a vision of how things should be, not how they actually are and work with that. I just couldn’t accept it and if I had, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It just snowballed and I can really relate to you.

I don’t have a perfect marriage, but a marriage that is good enough.
In the end our partner is not just the love of our life, but a simple person we live with day to day, no big events.

I feel we have to accept what we can’t change and change what we can, us, and than change will come.

I know that going into this relationships we have expectations, wishes, but relationships with baggage and children are definitely very specific and more difficult.

I hope you can get something out of this that may help you a little bit.

Don’t keep away, stay connected.
 
I was going to suggest email too. Take time composing one then leave it a few days.
 
Maya said:
Tests didn’t work for me either. Emails too. When I write it down, even on impulse, it stays there and H could read it over and over again and keep wondering “should I stay or should I go”. In my case anyway.
Emails were even worse, I made permanent statements that he still keeps and hasn’t deleted them. Again some more food for “should I stay or should I go”.

I was crazy stressed. I had so much adrenaline pumping in my system that it burned me out eventually and I got very sick.

Your boyfriend is most likely still figuring things out on many levels. Emotional too, because children are involved. He may feel guilty and you are right there with him.
It feels like he is fighting things out with you, because he can’t reassure you and make you feel confident.

These are not your feelings, it is his internal fight. He is changing everything about they was he lived.
I thought I was a step up from EFH, but not according to him. He was simply used to her, liked things about her, disliked many more things, but the guilt and all the crazy that goes with it, which is unbelievable to outsiders, can make any woman loose confidence.

In order to get up, you have to fall down. There aren’t many therapists around who have actual experience with this and many are prejudiced and feel you have nothing to complain about, the ex does.
My own mother told me I have to leave their relationship alone H’s and EFH’s and they have a right to have one. She hasn’t resolved her divorce from my father and is an EFH, I just didn’t know it.
On my wedding day she told SSs that I am a nobody to them and they have their own mother.
So I understand, I really do.
I know she is vile towards my father and I just blew her off, it was my day, but it came back later. No wonder I wanted to elope and keep our relationship as quiet as possible.

You can’t really change other people, but the only person you can change is you.
There is nothing wrong with you!

Your reactions are keeping you in a state of anxiety, you don’t have people to talk to, so you can post on here. It doesn’t stop overnight, but I tried to get an hour a day of not thinking about issues. It’s hard work, it’s reprogramming you thoughts.
I found it best to do mundane work like cleaning, putting on some music that I liked, my walls were painted in different colors for the first few years, just any kind of change to give you a timeout from stress.
Anxiety is a b..h. My body reacted to it and I couldn’t stop it at first, than slowly step by step.
Don’t think, was what I was aiming for and the better I got at it, better thought flow was coming to me.

Your life has changed significantly. You didn’t meet your boyfriend and than plan a future with him.
You met your boyfriend and his family and all his baggage. And that is a lot and it can be and usually is difficult, unpredictable, scary sometimes.

I think you should take it easy with his children and let him take care of them and join in, rather than feel responsible. That is sometimes a very hurtful chapter in life.

Try and distance yourself from dealing with his problems, we all had to do that, and just do your thing even if for just a few hours or a day.

Also my recent advice would be, don’t fight hard. Possibly walk out of the room and let him cool off.
I tried that and it worked, mostly. I have also tried distracting H and just said I am making some coffee, would you like some too.

Cooking helps, if it smells good, the emotions change, yours too.

I was so anxious, I had heart palpitations, high blood pressure and just couldn’t take the anxiety any more.
That is why I nowadays try to calm things down, by changing topics.

I realize that in the end it all gets sorted and our emotional involvement makes no real difference, except it hurts us.

I went to a group of women who had marital issues due to addiction, cheating, some violence and one woman is going through similar things I went through with H which has it’s own additional issues.

Everyone was talking about family patterns and themselves mostly. They found that the best way through it is by building up you own person. Those women, some have no choice but to stay or as myself want to stay in my marriage.

Anyway the ladies and my take on our situations was we are put into a space that does not originate from our family and find ourselves in someone else’s world that is unpredictable, we are not accustomed to it, we may have moral issues with and so on. She was so shocked at what her partner did and how his children reacted. She had no idea, he had issues. I felt the same way and for that moment I actually understood the bigger picture and how everything fit in and I came from a different galaxy.
It wasn’t easy for me finding my place, it still isn’t sometimes and I am still work in progress and will be until the end, I hope.

Try and find some calm in you and turn the focus to you and don’t think about how unjust the world is, but instead find something you can improve, distract, make, draw, writing made it worse for me, sometimes it help others.
I reread some of my diary from those times, I sincerely hope I will burn them before I die, but they represent a reminder of how bad things were, because I had a vision of how things should be, not how they actually are and work with that. I just couldn’t accept it and if I had, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It just snowballed and I can really relate to you.

I don’t have a perfect marriage, but a marriage that is good enough.
In the end our partner is not just the love of our life, but a simple person we live with day to day, no big events.

I feel we have to accept what we can’t change and change what we can, us, and than change will come.

I know that going into this relationships we have expectations, wishes, but relationships with baggage and children are definitely very specific and more difficult.

I hope you can get something out of this that may help you a little bit.

Don’t keep away, stay connected.
Click to expand...
Really thoughtful and insightful Maya. IN particular this line you used 'find ourselves in someone else’s world that is unpredictable, we are not accustomed to it, we may have moral issues with and so on'. This is so true. Thats the nuts and bolts of it. We are in someone elses unpredictable world that we have had no experience with. I moved countries so it was all even more unpredictable for me.

Molly - when I suggested email - I did what Esme suggested. I wrote it then left it - at least for a few hours - and often for a day. But my rule to myself was I had to leave it after writing it, and not send it for at least a few hours. Often if I left it until the next day I wouldn't end up sending it or I wrote a very different communication that my partner responded to a lot better. Often though he didnt read it and he very rarely responded. Which I found hurtful but then changed that to at least I got what I wanted to say out. Anyways - if it doesn't work for you it doesn't work - but as Maya said the only thing we can control is changing 'us'. And thats not meant to mean personality or giving up on your morals or accepting bad behaviour from your partner. Just doing things for us whether that be going for a walk, joining a club you've always wanted to join etc.

Maya also suggested to do something you can improve at is brilliant. It gives you back some confidence when you start doing something that you improve at. Hard to get motivated at first but finding something that you might find joy in will make a big difference to distracting your own head and helping build confidence.
 
I wrote the texts on impulse and that never worked. If I waited, I usually deleted them or completely changed what I said, the outcome was more positive, same experience as others.
My emails were usually very long and H didn’t read them either. It just got on his nerves. I sadly sent them at my worst and I don’t dare read them now.
I never used to do that, but some time ago an ex girlfriend told me she writes everything she thinks and works out any problem she has. Was true, but didn’t work out for her. She also turned very hostile on me and I have slowly gone no contact. We were close once and it hurt.

We are second wives or partners and if you are dealing with an EFH, children and a man who feels guilty and isn’t quite there yet, life can be more difficult.

I met my H 6 yrs after his divorce and it was the same, if not worse than, if I was the mistress and would be breaking up a family. I was accused of it. H was so confused by guilt, and also had difficulty placing his loyalty. That really got to me, I just got married and couldn’t quite grasp what was going on.

There are so many things going on behind the scenes. EFH trying to retain control over her ex, using children, possible influence of his in-laws, not being accepted by them, your friends becoming different people, people you can’t trust with your problems, stress, anxiety, it is all true and yet we endure.

But if it becomes too much for you and you have a chance to start new, do it. It’s ok, it’s not loosing anything. I always felt like I had to fight for my man, in reality I wanted him to stand up for me. At least now he is able to stand up for himself, a bit too often against me.
 
One of the best things that has happened with our partnership is that he started CCing me into all his 2EFH emails and comms (which irritatingly he sometimes forgets to and she goes back to over communicating thinking he has 'prioritised' her again). He actually started doing this after reading one of the old posts on here about another couple that did that - and saved their relationship etc.

But - she fought it - wrote many emails about how she 'did not give approval' etc etc and that he had to stop etc and threatened various things and he thankfully ignored it all (historically he would have given in to her just to keep the peace but finally realised he would lose me if he didn't stand up to her more re all the years and years of manipulations and control and covert narcissism). She must have spoken with someone who knew the law as someone finally told her he can cc me into any communication he wants (outside of a court order that I wasn't involved in). Its been a miracle as after nearly 6 years of us being together, she very rarely communicates with him nowadays (although it is summer holidays). Its been amazing and SO much better for our relationship. She's still a dick - and plays little games re the shared calendar (every time we are away we always get 'updates' on the family calendar - this trip was an entry she deleted about her going away then put back in a few hours later - and her b'day - and a dinner she was having with his/her old friends he no longer sees thanks to her lies - on her week with her daughter). SO not perfect but guess it never will be.

Anyways thought I would share if that might help someone.
 
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