Hi! 👋🏻

I

I Am Here

New member
Hi!

I just joined. My motivation to join is to find and talk to like-minded people who are going through the same struggles that can understand me, do not see me as crazy and do not criticize me.

My fiancé and I are getting married on May 11. 🥰

His wife (still refers to her as such) of 33 years passed away about 10 years ago. He has made sure I know in detail: how their marriage was wonderful; that they never argued, only minor disagreements; that she was beautiful, sophisticated, extremely smart, classy, demanding (in a good way), etc., and how much he adored her.

He has shown (and tells me) how much he loves and adores me, and I am happy with him. Still… it is extremely hurtful to know that your husband’s heart will never be 100% yours; that the ONLY reason you are in his life is because the woman he really loves is no longer here; that you would have never been his first choice. I know… it is unhealthy to think that way, but it is hard to block those thoughts.

Anyway… I think it is enough ranting for today. 🫢

Looking forward to get to know some of you.

Blessings,
I Am Here
 
Hi,

And welcome.

I had a similar experience with my H and his very much alive ex.
He described his ex wife as a very capable, good person, great mother and cook and I could go on. I felt like I could never live up to it. Than I found out the truth. It sounded too good to be true and it definitely was anything but. It was a difficult marriage to be polite.

My H sadly had to find out the hard way who his ex is and was. He felt guilty and made her into a superwoman, someone he really gets along. The mother of his children. It made me wonder why they divorced, but than I met her.

There was quite a battle to get to some stability and peace from his exw after we got married, as she went ballistic. She filed 5 lawsuits against him, one agains my daughter. Not a good start to a new marriage and it left its mark.

Something you will never have to deal with and my apologies for being blunt, but I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. I didn’t deal with it well and neither did H.

Sometimes, the more time passes, the more people idealize the person that passed and the marriage they were in.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, none are perfect. Perfect does not exist in this world. Look deep enough and you see the reality.

I personally think remarrying and moving on is a big step for your future H. I also feel there may be some residual guilt present for allowing himself to move on.
He has been on his own for 10 yrs which is more than some marriages last, so one could say he had a life as a single man for quite a while and has changed in that time.

He may have been a good match for his previous wife, but after being single for 10 yrs, he is a good match for you and very probably a different man.

I think you have nothing to worry about. You can’t expect him to forget his past and completely disregard his deceased wife. I wouldn’t really object to her memory, as long as it stays that way and doesn’t get in between the two of you.
Maybe it was his way of letting you know he wants her memories untarnished, but equally wants to move on in his life with you.

I would let him know that you can respect his past, the same way you expect him to respect your past. Just because his wife passed, it does not mean his memory is superior to yours. If you were married before and got divorced, it could be equally difficult having your life turned around, loosing some people in your life for example, it can really hurt too and we get much less sympathy for it.
We were all in love at one point and lost it for different reasons. You could talk about your past relationships and that wouldn’t feel that great to him either.

He is lucky to have met you. It is not easy to find the right person. You are both lucky to have found each other.

In the end men are only men and say and do things their way. But we still love them and enjoy them.

Stay well, if you need to vent, you can do it here.
 
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Hello and welcome :) You're in the right place! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding - it must be absolutely great. I am sure you do and will have 100% of his heart - what he is talking about is based on memories and nostalgia and I'm sure it wasn't all perfect. I have a feeling that things will change very much for the better once you're married. I take it he has kids as well?
 
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Welcome!!

There is so much complexity with coming into a memory relationship. Maya said some very good points re he is possibly feeling some residual guilt for moving on (nothing to do with how wonderful you and your relationship is). But he has chosen you and chosen to marry you. That is the ultimate commitment to you.

But maybe he needs to be reminded how it would feel if you shared how wonderful some of your ex loves were. Although you don't want to be playing games, but gently pointing out how would he feel if you spoke often and highly of past loves. You have respect for his deceased wife of course but even if she were alive no new partner wants to hear how supposedly wonderful the ex was. And with a death its easy to remember the good times and not remember the bad times or negative parts of the relationship too.

None of us are crazy on here by the way, but are here to vent, share and get feedback/advice from people that know and have lived similar situations with difficult ex's and difficult relationships. I've vented a lot on here and everyone is always supportive and very constructive on their feedback. Vent away anytime and about anything!!!
 
Actually that's something I found effective in the early days with OH. I'd say "how would you feel if ........." and he'd think about it and say - I wouldn't like it. Point made. Sometimes you can't get them to see what they're doing until they think about how they would feel in that situation. On the other hand the odd time OH said "I wouldn't mind". Then you're stuck!
 
Welcome to the group!! No judgment here, vent away.

I like what Maya said “He may have been a good match for his previous wife, but after being single for 10 yrs, he is a good match for you and very probably a different man”. Hopefully we can offer a new perspective that might help you feel better about things.

I am not partnered with a widower myself but it must come with its unique challenges. It definitely sounds like he’s looking back with rose tinted glasses - no relationship or person is perfect
 
I have been here for a long time, my lifeline many times.
It may take some time to understand we are completely anonymous on here, women with similar issues.
We compare our experiences and realize we are not alone, we are not imagining and some things may be very different and difficult in our second marriages with so many more people involved and problems that we never anticipated.
The biggest problem is that society isn’t really aware of our situation and therefore we can feel extremely lonely, misunderstood, miserable and equally are trying to keep it together for the sake of the entire family and our partners.
Not being a mother to children that come into our lives and often having to tolerate behaviors that are awful and encouraged by proxy is at least demanding.

I was hoping, looking forward to making the most of it and as a stepmother, I felt it my duty to make the stepsons feel welcome. I expected some reciprocity and a cordial relationship.
I tried and couldn’t make it work, not up to what I was aiming for.

A whole new world that I never wanted to be a part of opened up to me and I had to find my way. Support, shared experiences are really welcome.
We fall down and get up again.

Just a thought, maybe she got married in the meantime and is enjoying her honeymoon period. Coming here may conflict with where she is right now.

I wish her the very best and of course we are here.
 
Hi Maya,

Sorry for the very delayed reply. I have been very busy planning the wedding all on my own, and it has been extremely stressful, mostly because I have never in my life organized an event.
Thank you for your advice and sharing your story.

"There was quite a battle to get to some stability and peace from his exw after we got married, as she went ballistic. She filed 5 lawsuits against him, one agains my daughter. Not a good start to a new marriage and it left its mark."
I am so sorry you had to go through all those struggles in your marriage. I hope things are better now and you are enjoying life.

"I personally think remarrying and moving on is a big step for your future H. I also feel there may be some residual guilt present for allowing himself to move on.
He has been on his own for 10 yrs which is more than some marriages last, so one could say he had a life as a single man for quite a while and has changed in that time.

He may have been a good match for his previous wife, but after being single for 10 yrs, he is a good match for you and very probably a different man."
Yes, he confessed once, in the beginning, that he felt a little guilty for loving another woman, being happy and wanting to get married again. But, he is okay now.
He did have a girlfriend before me. It lasted 6 years, on and off. It was, he told me, a tumultuous relationship. They would fight, break up for a few months, she would come back, and he would take her back. He stayed with her because… well… sex.

"In the end men are only men and say and do things their way. But we still love them and enjoy them."
I agree. Besides… no one is perfect.

"Stay well, if you need to vent, you can do it here."
Thanks so much!!!
 
It really is a stressful time planning a wedding isn’t it? At least if it’s all on your own you can decide what you want 😁. Rather than lots of people trying to persuade you to do different.

If you want to run any ideas or options by us, please do!

I bet you have a beautiful dress lined up. ….. How many bridesmaids will there be?

Is OH helping at all? I hope you get some chill out time xxx
 
Hi!

Thank you very much to all of you for your encouraging words, support and advice. I really appreciate it.
I apologize for the delayed in replying to all your comments. 🫣😞 As I mentioned in my OP, I was extremely busy, stressed and overwhelmed planning my wedding.

Well… I am married now and very happy! 👰‍♀️:)
All turned out as I envisioned. Although this is my second marriage, it was my first time getting married in the Church. Even though I am 57 years old, I felt like a young new bride.
My 85-year-old father got to walk me down the altar, and I gave him the honor to dance with him first. He got emotional, God bless him. Everything was perfect. It was a small and modest reception with only very close friends and family (about 50 people).

The only thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was when the best man, the best childhood friend of my husband, during his speech started talking about how wonderful marriage my husband had and how perfect the late wife was. It was humiliating. Although he also said I was perfect for him now, but the damage was done. My husband was crying, also his 40-year-old daughter who disapproves of this marriage (that is a post for another day :p).

Anyway… I did enjoy my wedding and the fruits of my labor. Everyone had a great time.

We are not going on a honeymoon, yet. We are resting. :LOL:

Thank you again to all of you, fine ladies. ❤️
 
I Am Here said:
Hi!

Thank you very much to all of you for your encouraging words, support and advice. I really appreciate it.
I apologize for the delayed in replying to all your comments. 🫣😞 As I mentioned in my OP, I was extremely busy, stressed and overwhelmed planning my wedding.

Well… I am married now and very happy! 👰‍♀️:)
All turned out as I envisioned. Although this is my second marriage, it was my first time getting married in the Church. Even though I am 57 years old, I felt like a young new bride.
My 85-year-old father got to walk me down the altar, and I gave him the honor to dance with him first. He got emotional, God bless him. Everything was perfect. It was a small and modest reception with only very close friends and family (about 50 people).

The only thing that left a bad taste in my mouth was when the best man, the best childhood friend of my husband, during his speech started talking about how wonderful marriage my husband had and how perfect the late wife was. It was humiliating. Although he also said I was perfect for him now, but the damage was done. My husband was crying, also his 40-year-old daughter who disapproves of this marriage (that is a post for another day :p).

Anyway… I did enjoy my wedding and the fruits of my labor. Everyone had a great time.

We are not going on a honeymoon, yet. We are resting. :LOL:

Thank you again to all of you, fine ladies. ❤️
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Massive congratulations to you. Really lovely to read that you are married now and very happy. And also lovely to read you are resting up with your new husband and taking it easy. You both deserve to spend some relaxed and beautiful time with each other.

Ah for me the best mans speech about the ex wife it is tacky but more embarrassing for him from anyone elses point of view. No-one who has his best friends interest at heart would want to bring up ex's at his wedding celebration? And the daughter might have been feeling poignant but again she clearly doesn't have her father's best interests at the forefront. Always hard to do but glad you ignored them and still have a wonderful, beautiful wedding.

I've never been married so am hoping it happens soon too. Congrats again and best wishes for a lovely and long future together :)
 
LostinCanada said:
Massive congratulations to you. Really lovely to read that you are married now and very happy. And also lovely to read you are resting up with your new husband and taking it easy. You both deserve to spend some relaxed and beautiful time with each other.

Ah for me the best mans speech about the ex wife it is tacky but more embarrassing for him from anyone elses point of view. No-one who has his best friends interest at heart would want to bring up ex's at his wedding celebration? And the daughter might have been feeling poignant but again she clearly doesn't have her father's best interests at the forefront. Always hard to do but glad you ignored them and still have a wonderful, beautiful wedding.

I've never been married so am hoping it happens soon too. Congrats again and best wishes for a lovely and long future together :)
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Ah - I meant to also tell you a short story about a wedding my partner and I went too where the groom talked about his ex wife (who had cheated on him numerous times over many many years and treated him appallingly) during his speech to his new wife??? He absolutely adores his new wife and they are so well suited but we were all gobsmacked and very uncomfortable when he went on and on about his ex wife. The only thing I can think of was he got very nervous doing his speech and didn't realise how much he was talking about his ex as he was trying to explain how much better his new wife was. He really does adore his new wife and appreciates that this marriage is far better, far more honest and far more loving than his first. Just funny what people do without realising it when emotions are high and they are nervous. Well I think thats what was going on...
 
Congratulations! It all sounds wonderful - apart from the insensitive best man! But at least it wasn't him you married 🤣 Hope you have some lovely restful times now :) If the step daughter causes any issues, we're here for support!
 
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