Help! Is this a good idea?

That’s good his daughter got in contact and they know Dad wants them to come and stay and there are no obstacles at your end. Maybe they will push with ex a bit more to come and stay now.

Even if it doesn’t happen, his son at least will know his Dad wants him because the ex has probably told him the opposite. You know the kind of thing - he doesn’t care about you - he’s out his girlfriend before you blah blah (even though you’re his wife!)
 
Only suggested Easter because I didn’t think she’d agree to the two week Christmas holidays!
 
I took your advice and went for the very kind email. I apologised for past differences of opinion and offered sympathy for the struggles she is having at the moment.
I said if the children could come over they would have an amazing adventure and that our door is always open.
She responded with anger, hate, abuse and lies. She said I need to do a lot more to build bridges. That she will never forgive me for how I have treated her children. That we have chosen to live on the other side of the world and that we have ignored the children for 2 years.

Such utter lies. Im gobsmacked and in tears. I tried. I will not respond and I will definitely never try again.

The woman is a bully. She has encouraged the children to hate me. She believes her own lies.
 
She can say whatever she wants to, but if I respond to defend myself she will show the children further empowering her belief and theirs that I am the only person to blame in this situation.
She wants me to retaliate.
She wants me to lose my temper.

She says I have a hate campaign towards SD. SD was abusive towards my disabled daughter around Christmas. I did not tolerate it I asked for it to stop. That is the basis of her belief that I started a hate campaign.
6 months previous to that SD had sent me 9 pages of hate and abuse to which I did not respond.
Who is the one with the hate campaign going on?
Certainly not me.
I will NOW draw a line and I will never cross that line again x
 
I am so sorry. SD is 19 isn't she? She should be dealing with this herself. It may now make SD think twice if the kids received a text inviting them at Easter. It often confuses people when they have been nasty and receive kindness in response. Maybe not EFH - it'll be water of a ducks back to her, but it might make SD think twice. SD is responsible for her behaviour and if her actions have caused this, then they have impacted upon her younger brother, who may want to come and see his Dad. Maybe he'll come on his own?

19 year olds can be stupid though. She may grow out of it and apologise yet.

At least you were the bigger person in all this. EFH is extremely rude and nasty.
 
Thank you.
The response was very smug. It was along the lines of "we all care about each other but we do not care about H" type vibe.
I struggle to be honest. H cares deeply for his children. Even today he defended them. They categorically do not care a toss about him.
The EFH never misses a chance to strike a low blow.
I told him about the correspondence and I said you are right there is no point bothering with any of them.
He looks confused and he says what do you mean, the children haven't done anything wrong.
Yes they have though.
They follow the narrative. Im the enemy.
As if H has no mind of his own.
The whole matter is purely apparently my doing?
What did I do?
Ive been kind. Over and over and above Ive been kind. For nothing. For abuse.
Im not sure how long Im supposed to sit here and keep my mouth shut. 😕
H then says he is going to withdraw his invite. Say its no longer an option. He didnt though. He was never going to.
He sits and watches whilst his ex wife bullies him and me. He never says or does anything.
He says shes won.
Hes right.
 
Ok, you tried and got bullied. I’ve had the same but have held back because of the lawsuit she filed against my EDD. Maybe you can imagine how I felt and I hope EDD has forgiven me for getting myself and consequently her into such a mess.
I was at a point of wanting to leave the marriage, but I stayed because I needed access to info and to be able to control some narrative. That was why we mediated with EFH at the end. We had all the proof, but there was no way I would risk anything happening to my daughter, even if the chances of that are only very slight.
She didn’t file agains me, because I would fight back like crazy.
So I have things on her that keep her away and I believe she doesn’t want to cross my path either.

I can’t stop myself, sorry, I am still very angry, an understatement, she is human trash to me and she has a written confirmation of that from me. Never got any word from her again. She knows she has crossed all the lines.

Basically it what I think of your EFH. Who abuses a handicapped child? What did your H say and do?
I wouldn’t be quiet, I don’t think so. The daughter is of age she will have to make her own decisions. There is nothing you can do and you don’t need her an abuser in your home.

As far as the son goes, it is still up to EFH and to your H.

Has your H seen the response?
My lesson, NEVER apologize to the bully. I tried, I tried it all. She wants to walk all over you and that is her only goal, now you have this confirmed.

I would send her a polite and to the point email, but you know where I am coming from. I have no mercy and to protect myself and my family, nothing will stop me going to the police. That is how guilty my H’s exw is, basically a criminal. Her lawyer knows it too and apologized to me.

A better option for you is to stop contact. In a way so did I, made sure she never contacts me and leaves H alone. The rest I don’t care, children do what they do.
 
Doodle said:
Thank you.
The response was very smug. It was along the lines of "we all care about each other but we do not care about H" type vibe.
I struggle to be honest. H cares deeply for his children. Even today he defended them. They categorically do not care a toss about him.
The EFH never misses a chance to strike a low blow.
I told him about the correspondence and I said you are right there is no point bothering with any of them.
He looks confused and he says what do you mean, the children haven't done anything wrong.
Yes they have though.
They follow the narrative. Im the enemy.
As if H has no mind of his own.
The whole matter is purely apparently my doing?
What did I do?
Ive been kind. Over and over and above Ive been kind. For nothing. For abuse.
Im not sure how long Im supposed to sit here and keep my mouth shut. 😕
H then says he is going to withdraw his invite. Say its no longer an option. He didnt though. He was never going to.
He sits and watches whilst his ex wife bullies him and me. He never says or does anything.
He says shes won.
Hes right.
Click to expand...
I can see your H's point there - if you said there's no point bothering with any of them. They're his kids and he'll have a bond with them and love them. In a way it's not their fault that they have been manipulated into negativity and deep down they probably do care about their Dad. Your DH is probably hoping that one day they will see the light. So he won't see they have done anything wrong because he loves them and blames EFH. The kids were maybe incited into hostility with lies, or SD just parroting her Mother.

What he can hope for is they decide to be more independent in their decisions. So you haven't had a reply about coming at Easter then?
 
I dont know.
Im extremely angry. I would like to respond with a few home truths. The woman is a manipulative pathological liar.
She started this war. She has made life for me and my children difficult and yet she continues on her selfish path of destruction.
I offered peace she has thrown it back in my face with a list of false accusations maintaining that I am the cause of problems she has encountered. As if she has never lifted a finger to contribute to the situation. She maintains she is whiter than snow. She is Maleficent.
I can empathise with my husband 100 per cent. But I am disgusted with EFH and I am disgusted with the stepkids. They treat him like shit.
I have stated that he is ill and not even one mention of that.
And regarding the offer of a visit, SD said she will see if she can get time off work and she will ask her brother. It was half hearted bullshit.
EFH said she has never stopped the children coming. She is a liar. You may recall she said they weren't allowed without an escort, the journey was too dangerous.
EFH says we have ignored the children for 2 years. So lets go back. Before we left here SD was starting to give me the silent treatment. Giving me evil looks.
When we got here, H would facetime them both and chat. If my face came into the camera SD would scowl at me.
H pushed for kids to visit. She refused. The children were informed that the flight was too dangerous. The children then said they didnt WANT to visit us. H who is a very sensitive man got upset naturally but his way of dealing with it was to argue with them. Particularly SS who is extremely immature. SD could not wait to join in the fun and sent me abusive disgusting text messages. H demanded an apology. He got a refusal. Everyone blocked each other for best part of 12 months. Occasionally there would be a message and then they would argue again and block each other. That is not ignoring the children for 2 years. That is one example of her lies.
EFH makes rhe relationship impossible. She is as spiteful as they come.
Spiteful jealous and seething that her life isnt a fairy tale.
I have to turn my back now. Its out of my control. H has told me to leave it alone so I will for his sake.
This is one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my whole life. We dont deserve it 😪
 
Ok so SD has agreed to visit. She has spoken to Hs mother who was crying and wants H to contact her. Thats all well and good.
I told H he must contact his mother. He says no. Hes not feeling up to it.
One of the biggest problems we have is that Hs mother and EFH are on the same page. They all hate me. I really dont feel strong enough to support H through his illness and to tolerate all the external hate that his mother resuming contact and his daughter visiting us will cause.
I think I will book extra shifts at work and steer clear of the lot of them.
I think EFH finds more strength to bully knowing that MIL is on her side.
 
I'm so sorry. The positive out of that is SD said she would see if she could get the time off work and ask her brother. Maybe it was a fob off, maybe not - but at least it wasn't a load of abuse so she responded in a polite way. Maybe your message to them did affect them positively,

I can understand why you're so angry - but maybe just detach from EFH and the circumstances and maybe the kids will come - I guess DH will be hoping they do. Maybe channel the anger into something so things don't blow up again. You did a good thing - she was nasty. I would be fuming too.
 
Doodle said:
Ok so SD has agreed to visit. She has spoken to Hs mother who was crying and wants H to contact her. Thats all well and good.
I told H he must contact his mother. He says no. Hes not feeling up to it.
One of the biggest problems we have is that Hs mother and EFH are on the same page. They all hate me. I really dont feel strong enough to support H through his illness and to tolerate all the external hate that his mother resuming contact and his daughter visiting us will cause.
I think I will book extra shifts at work and steer clear of the lot of them.
I think EFH finds more strength to bully knowing that MIL is on her side.
Click to expand...
Posted at the same time. That's positive. I know not great for you, but it means SD and SS actually do want to come and their difficulty is EFH. I'm not sure I could handle my Mother or Grandmother at the age of 19 either. It would make DH happy if they came and it might turn out ok. Or are you worried MIL will want to come again too?

Probably best to avoid the topic of MIL with SD.
 
Im happy for H but it doesnt change the fact that the whole thing will be incredibly awkward and difficult for me.
I wont be able to win.
If I make myself scarce so they can have time together then I will be ignoring SD.
If I join in and she shows attitude towards me I wont be able to ignore it.
But hey, its only 2 weeks. I must remember that
 
This sounds so much like my own past.
Some things you wrote about, like fighting, sounds so very familiar. I told you my mother was EFH.
SD is coming, Take the extra shifts. SS is not thinking straight yet, but he will in time.
Don’t ignore her, but make yourself scarce if SD starts up again.
Ask your H to hold back and talk to her instead.
That worked for me. Fighting is the worst thing he can do, it wil only confirm to SD that EFH is right.
Best thing to do is tell her to talk about it nicely or take some time to herself and instead ask if she would help prepare dinner or something totally different. Redirect.

I think it would have helped me a lot and further down the road we have learned this and enjoyed time together.
My mother sadly never stopped hating him, but has told me hate is difficult to live with.

As for your reply, I think if you really need to, tell EFH recollections vary, but that you are glad SD is coming and hope SS will change his mind.

She will get it especially now that it is a famous statement made by your Queen.
I would end it with best wishes and you have said it all.
 
As you say - it's only two weeks :) . Another option is to just act. Confuses the enemy ha ha. Act like you're really happy to see her and just happy generally - that is when you're not working. It also means she doesn't get a rise from you. Chat about your lives, ask her about hers, avoid difficult topics, don't mention the past or EFH. Just pretend she is any other visitor. I see it as a way of winning. Act unpredictable. This was something that was advised to me many years ago when I found out my H was having an affair (a second time). He expected me to be distraught and crying and weak or angry - whichever - emotional - and he seemed to be getting a kick out of it. Counsellor suggested acting as if everything was fine, making an effort to look nice and do things I enjoy and be smiley and welcoming. It worked a treat. Totally flummoxed him. I actually quite enjoyed the acting - I felt more in control.

Yes SS may come round. You don't know how much pressure he's had from EFH either.
 
Good advice, I will take it onboard. Yeah totally dont let this phase me. Keep calm , grit teeth and smile 😁
 
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