Help! Is this a good idea?

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
H is kind of in burnout.
He has abandoned all hope of ever seeing his children again because of the circumstances and the fact EFH is such a negative parent. Full blown alienation.

I dont know what I can do for him. I thought that I could maybe try and send a gushy (I will squirm) email to EFH. With some apologies 🤮and some moving forward type words. Kind of like how good everyone will feel if the children maintain their relationship with their father. How it will be good if we can all drop the animosity. If she would find it in her heart to encourage the children to visit their dad. I am prepared to forget the past so that the children can have a wonderful time here with their father type email. I know EFH has anxiety about them coming here but its a direct flight.
Part of me thinks there is nothing more we can lose but part of me thinks EFH will use this as another tool to respond with copious amounts of abuse as she usually does.
Any opinions or other ideas anyone? This is so difficult x
 
It's something I contemplated many times in the past and didn't do - maybe I should have done. Really sorry to hear your H is affected so much. I think it could be an idea to send something like that, if carefully worded - adding something like - some things may have been misunderstanding but there was no intention to cause upset - type thing. I was always told if you use the phrase things are a "misunderstanding" it takes away the blame from either party to diffuse any futher blaming type thing.
 
Yeah im in 2 minds. It makes me anxious even thinking about it. I kind of mentioned it to H and he says its a kind idea but he doesnt think she has any kindness within her to respond in a suitable manner.
H was diagnosed with hypertension today and this is so worrying but still im not sure its the right thing to do 🤔
 
Why not do it? It’s now over until it’s over.
Maybe put the focus on their father, your H and add they are more than welcome in your house, as you consider her children to be a part of your family.
Even when I wrote “negative” mail to EFH, I added that the children are a part of my family too and are always welcome and have been welcomed by my entire family.
It can’t hurt and at least at this stage you can open the communication and make some sort of a compromise.
 
I tried and just got animosity in return. H is right it is pointless. EFH is a cold hearted bitch
 
I think it's worth doing because things can't get much worse if you don't do it. And the kids may know this has happened (ie be told or find out) and do some critical thinking for themselves.

Whether you get a nasty response or no response or something in between, doesn't really matter - it matters that you offered an Olive branch and one day your OH can tell the kids that.

Edit - I wrote this earlier and forgot to hit post reply!
 
Doodle said:
I tried and just got animosity in return. H is right it is pointless. EFH is a cold hearted bitch
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So you mean you have sent something? And she has sent a nasty reply? I would give it a few days as if she is anything like our EFH she will fire off nastiness but then think about it a bit. And it could be worth following up with a second one in a few days, carefully, not reacting to anything she said.

What did she say exactly?
 
Well I mentioned the fact that H is quite ill at the moment and she responds with, she wont be telling the children as I have already caused them enough distress.
Meh....i cant be bothered.
 
I'd probably reply ignoring that and saying something like

"My intention is to try and smooth things over and alleviate any possible upset, caused by misunderstandings, which was unintentional. I think it's important the children and their Father can keep up their relationships and I am sure they miss him, just as DH misses them very much. I hope a line can be drawn under any past issues or feelings and us all move on amicably. They are welcome here and we can be flexible over any arrangements you wish to make for their travel here. Best wishes."

And grit your teeth! It's just words!
 
Thank you but I have zero patience with the wingeing victim. I really will not be trying again. No surprise really. She will be bitter that she is a divorcee for the rest of her life. Theres no helping some people.
 
Fair enough :) At least you tried. And she will be thinking about it having had a communication from you. So it'll be in her head. I think I know what you mean. If it had been our EFH, the response would have been a three page email berating and derogating and being abusive and not saying anything much else really - long version of "F off I hate you".
 
Thats the last time I will inform them of something important happening in Hs life. Im very proud that I haven't responded.
Ive come to realise that her little rants are meaningless. Shes like a terrible 2 year old spitting her dummy out when things dont go her way.Screenshot_20230908_092526_Chrome.jpg
 
I see.
I guess setting the boundaries to a bully works better in those cases.
Is there anything H can do like go through a lawyer or make a report?
I threatened to call the embassy, I called her job, she immediately hung up, then we got a letter from her lawyer with all the info where SSs live and what is going on with SSs. She basically hijacked them.

For you, it may be time to say I tried and nothing worked. H will eventually have to get in touch with his children. If they text, that is good enough for now. He should take care of his health and so should you.

I don’t think you will ever get a normal response from that woman, ever, just like me. She sued my DD and I never want to see that b…, ever.
And I feel no guilt, no need to ever contact her.

You had a bad feeling about this and your intuition was correct.

In my case EFH just took time to write the response, but as usual they cannot wait to hear from us and pour more insults.

All you can do if you feel like it is write her an email and setting boundaries in a way that her children might understand and no court will be able to do anything against you. And add that you have been keeping all the communication with her and if she ever insults you, ever, she will have to deal with you and simply demand that she stops alienating, misinforming, using and abusing the children.
I got very to the point and never heard from her again, stopped my communication, but on my terms. Had to, otherwise I would have been put in a psychiatric hospital.
For me the worst of the worst was having to be quiet and abused.
 
I wasnt going to contact her but with H being ill, I actually thought it was the right thing to do.
I have morals you see!
Anyway, she pretty much ridiculed the fact that potentially H is very ill. She brought the situation straight back around to her self importance and said she was dealing with a member of her family who is "actually " ill.
My thinking was that if the kids knew of rhe situation they may back off a bit with the insults in text messages to H.
Anyway, they are not going to find out now I guess as she said she will not be telling them as I have already harmed them enough.
I do feel like having my say Maya. Maybe I will. I put together a "my say" email before but I deleted it for the sake of peace and quiet in my marriage and life. But I think she absolutely needs telling what an abusive, negative, bullying bad parent she is. A person who is proud to have turned their children against their father and encourages her children to join in her battles. There is something very wrong with her x
 
I don't think it's a good idea to send a "my say" email - it will impact on others - your H and his kids. That kind of thing may be cathartic, but it will burn all bridges and could harm your relationship with DH. ie it could do more harm than good. Maya's situation may have been different.

I chose the option to ignore EFH existence and just focus on our life. Yes SS is partly to do with her but he doesn't mention her and neither do I.

Then she fades into the background. It's harder for DH to just focus on communication with the kids as they live with their Mother and may feel a bit powerless or fear lack of privacy.

So I would ignore EFH - detach from her. And maybe your DH could occasionally remind the kids that the door is always open. He could say something in a text to the kids like "you are always welcome here and can come whenever you want - if possible".

That mentions no names but it lets them know he wants to see them and there are no obstructions at your end. The "if possible" allows them some critical thinking - so they start to realise the issue is with their Mother. They may yet get more forceful about wanting to go and visit Dad if they feel confident they are wanted.
 
It can help to try and think of it from the kids point of view. If the younger one actually really does want to come and see his Dad he must feel overwhelmed at the enormity of how to achieve that - he can't book tickets himself or know how to achieve that. And that's the only real reason to have any communication with the ex at all - to achieve something happening for the kids by arranging something.

How about if DH just sent EFH a very brief email saying "I'd like to arrange for x and y to visit over the two week Easter holiday period, which will be the end of summer/autumn here. Flight number xyz is available on x date with return flight xyz available on x date. I will go ahead and book these. Please confirm the children will be assisted to the airport and I will organise chaperoning for the flight via the airline."

Obviously don't go ahead and book them straight away. And yes a solicitor's letter is not a bad idea if she says no blah blah. A firm letter saying she needs to allow the children to visit their Father. She would have no excuses with the above email and I believe airlines can arrange chaperoning (ie someone to just keep an eye on them during the flight).

The issue may be his own Mother though if she feels snubbed at not being invited. So maybe he needs to message her separately and say something like "Of course I would like you to visit at some point, but for now I would like to spend some quality parenting time with my children myself".

What do you think? A kind of slow push in the background, focusing on the kids and DH and ignoring EFH?

I know that isn't helping much with support for you but it might help things with you and DH and you can maybe start a new interest as well so the situation isn't all consuming. Although I know, when you live with someone who is struggling, it can be all consuming - but give yourself a break one day or evening a week and just do something for you - maybe?
 
Esme may have a point.
I thought you just wrote to her.

She sued my EDD and I did NOT care at all. She lost me and what I wrote was forever. I will never tolerate her in my home or if that should ever happen, she will hear it from me. I do not think I will ever forgive her, she never apologized, but I will deal with her appropriately if I ever see her again.

Why not text your SC that their father is sick. I know I would want to know. He has done nothing wrong except wanted contact with them and you went along.
They are old enough to understand at least to a degree.

My mother was EFH and I had a few silent years with my father.
I understand it may be difficult for your H to tell them he is not well, but I would expect my SM to give me a call and she always does. But we are good now.

There are different options and eventually the children have to have all the info concerning their father to then decide what to do.

Doing nothing is as far as I can tell is a very bad idea, because of your H.
A short kind sms can’t do much harm. If they go off on you you can set boundaries and still appeal on their consciousness.
It would be sad if you didn’t even try, I would think, unless your H can do something to help himself.
I have a feeling he feels quite hopeless and nothing is hopeless. His children may change their mind and they will grow up, but he needs to keep contact and possibly he could hint about his immense sadness and how much he misses them.

I also understand you may not be able to do much yourself because it could hurt your relationship and you.

I am just saying you still have options. Never give up, one thing is for sure, things change. I can vouch for that.
In the mean time live your life as best as you can, it is too short.
 
Im with you both on all points. But chaperoning a nearly 19 year old and nearly 16 year old on a flight? Really? 🤣 I just find it hilarious, 5 year olds are allowed to travel unaccompanied with a signature x
 
I have no contact details for the skids as they have blocked me.
I only have EFH email address. I wont be contacting her.
Seemingly EFH did tell the kids that H is ill. SD contacted him yesterday to ask how he is!
So contact resumed there.
I stole his phone and texted as advised above that we would like them to visit next Easter (good choice!) - if possible- and that they will be made very welcome. H caught me and said what are you doing. He said he thinks its a pointless message but he thanked me so the seed has been sown. And as stated the thought is there that they are welcome and that there is no one stopping them from visiting us, at our end at least 😉
Thanks
 
I think it’s good they know that their father and you haven’t written them off.
I believe that that’s what they have been hinted at in the past.
Just my guess. It was done to me when I was with my mother still a teen and early 20s.

Just recently we talked about why I decided to resume contact with my father and I explained to her, that it was a lot better for me to have some kind of relationship, a peaceful a sort of loving relationship. It helped me live with myself and I think she finally understood and at that moment her anger at my father was no longer a prevailing factor.
It gave me some peace even after all those decades.
I know she suffered emotionally very much. She wanted the marriage to work out and yet they fought a lot and went into the opposite directions.
As for my stepmom, she has always been proud of my father and supportive and it’s what kept their marriage together despite the difficulties they may have had.
 
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