Hello

[Abeerm]

I am in my mid 60s, have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. In 2020, after a 3 year separation, I got divorced. I had been with my ex husband for 38 years. He decided that life with his younger secretary would be happier. It took me a few years but I'm over it.

3 years ago I met a lovely man. Similar age, adult children and grandchildren. Sadly his wife had passed away 4 years before we met, they had been together for 40 years. So we have a lot in common and understanding of finding yourself suddenly single just as we were retiring.

There was some resentment from his adult children and from one of mine, initially. But both families are supportive of our relationship now However, I believe that, that may be because neither of us want to marry again and certainly at the moment don't want to live together. If we were to take our relationship to another level, i think the boat would be well and truly rocked! He has his home and I have mine. I had to fight hard to get the house in the divorce settlement, this is my security as I age! I spent a whole year, at the age of 60, worrying that I would find myself homeless. I will never again put myself in that position.

So I know I am very lucky that I don't have to deal with some of the issues I've read about in other message threads. We now have the support of both families.

But dating a widower is not for the faint hearted, I feel. Mostly I cope really well having a sort of ghost hovering in the background of our relationship. It's so hard when you love someone and sometimes seeing his grief and watching him work through it. He has worked hard at carving out a new life. He's a very kind, thoughtful and loving man. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, although he always maintains he's the lucky one!

But sometimes I feel he needs space from me because I'm not her. He's never actually said that and I've never asked him if I'm right in thinking this. It hasn't happened very often but I think I see a pattern of what triggers it. I'm working on not feeling rejected, it can be very tiring! This last time I felt that, 'here we go again'. So I back off and get busy with friends but it still affects me.

I've never spoken to anyone about this, I don't think they would fully understand. I've read through messages on here and find this community kind, supportive and empathetic in the replies given. I've looked at places that are specifically aimed at ladies who are dating widowers and the replies given do not resonate with me at all.

I'm sorry this is such a long post and thank you for taking the time to read it.

 

[Esme]

Hello and welcome I am sorry to hear about the shock of your marriage ending, but glad life improved after that and you have your home, children and grandchildren You've known this man 3 years now - so is that 7 years since his wife died? I can understand you both wanting to keep your own homes. And children can feel a bit threatened by major changes sometimes. Is it one sided, this wanting some space sometimes, rather than both of you agreeing to have some space now and then? Have you had any holidays together? Holidays put you both in a neutral location

I can completely understand that rejection can have long lasting effects (my ex H also had an affair) and make you more sensitive to rejection generally sometimes. That can take quite a long time. I don't think anyone would ever make me feel rejected again after my experience - I suppose we develop and get tougher in some aspects of life. But no one likes feeling ignored!

So if it's more on his terms then maybe that is something you could work on - say have a chat sometime and say lets work out what works for both of us. Maybe he is feeling rejected too! If he picks up that you might never want to live with him full time.

That could be a possibility if you say, rented out your house and kept it - as a holiday let maybe so it was still kept nice?

 

[Maya]

Hi.
Welcome.

I can imagine it’s not always easy, but life in general is not easy.

From what you described, it feels like he has found a way to deal with his issues by pulling away into his world sometimes, grieving in his case.
Could the reasoning behind this be, that he feels down, a bit depressed and the loss of his wife comes up, or maybe someone triggers him? Could he feel guilty?
H felt guilty for “leaving the exw who left him”.

We all feel a bit down sometimes, but since we don’t have the experience of his loss, we can’t detach and grieve for a person that’s gone.
Some of us get angry at something else and look for things, experiences or people to blame, run to. It’s not easy to say, ok, I am having a bad day or going through something. It’s me, my responsibility.
From my own experience, I detach when I don’t feel well and it can make others feel like I am pushing them away. I try to avoid it or make it as short as possible.

Maybe asking your partner after being together for three years, where have you gone, what is bothering you, would be a logical step.
Yes giving space is great and all, but it would be much easier if you would know what is up. Than maybe he would eventually be more open with you and you would feel less like you are living with a ghost.
I think your feelings matter, not just his. We all had people close to us die. We all had to move on.
You said you suspect a pattern and triggers. I honestly think he has grieved enough and it’s time to face the music, everyday life and people who are actually here.
Detaching into a fantasy/memory should actually be turned into resolution of the issues.
I apologize for sounding a bit cold, but divorce is a loss too, boyfriends committing suicide and friend dying is a loss. I’ve had it all. There are even worse things.
Eventually we have to move forward.

But you know many men are like that. They just go silent and detach. I have learned to leave H alone, talking to him about issues at that time is close to impossible and usually just makes it worse.
Who knows where he goes to. Maybe the good times with his ex, maybe someone he met while working and got on, who really knows. Or it could be his tragic experiences with his family.

Honestly I tried, but sometimes I just had to let him retrieve to his man cave and wait for him to come out. Once he is out and back to normal I say something like, what got you down and sometimes he tells me.
I tried helping with solutions, but in the end I realized he just needs someone to listen to, even if I think his issues could easily be resolved.
Men are simple and yet so complicated.

As for keeping your own place, it works best for family members because they don’t feel threatened no matter how old they are.
We divided all of our assets. The exw told her sons that they will inherit after me a few years into our marriage and I blew a few fuses. I told them no and I wrote to her I am not dead yet.
H was keeping out of it and was more into protecting his children from me instead of talking to them. I was speechless.
I put up with a lot, because my love was very strong. I felt strong, than.
Now my life has grounded me. I had many illusions of what a relationship and a second marriage should be like.
I was off. Every relationship is specific and none are just a dream come true.
We have to take the good and the not so good. People are not perfect, maybe the first few years, than we live with the person who has his own issues as we do.
You live apart, so in some ways this makes it easier, in other ways it does make you wonder if it has a future.
There are many ways a relationship can go. Yours is not a bad idea, I would know. I am basically your age, H is a bit younger than me, but just by a year.
He seemed so youngish when we met. It charmed me and at the same time it caused quite a few issues between us.
He is the youngest in his family and has a completely different outlook on life. I am the oldest and very different to him.

Men are not great at handling family issues or even their own feelings. We often have to be the glue to keep it all going. Even when there is a lot of love, we know that’s not quite enough, but necessary to keep going.

I was long, but maybe I needed to hear myself too.
As long as it’s still working for you and it enriches your life and makes it easier keep working on the relationship and try not to tiptoe too much around him. Even grieving can be abused or used as something one can run too, when confronted with current challenges. It has to a point, sometimes to do with feeling sorry for ourselves. I experienced many deaths when I was a teen. Just last year my best man and his exw died. We were very fond of each other and it hurt, but life goes on.
The exw remarried my friend and he calls me and we meet up. So I can easily say, I have seen him at his best and worst and crying and regaining his posture and moving forward.

It has been 7 years and time does heal. And you don’t have to just oblige his feelings. It’s not fair. Having sympathy is one thing, but a never ending grief is like escapism, an excuse to not move on.

My mother divorced when I was 15 and she never really got over my father. Maybe in the past few years it improved. Now that’s difficult to live with as a daughter and listen to her complaints and even hatefulness. It becomes a way of life, a way of not taking responsibility for our lives, always someone or something to blame.

Sorry, but I hate to see you hurt and put on a back burner.