Feel stuck

[Noodle]

Thanks everyone. I don't get much time to think! It's been a kids week-end and now OH has them for the first two weeks of the school holidays. We're going on holiday for a week next Saturday. It's actually easier when we go on holiday because we're both in the same place for a week. I'm going to see how this holiday goes, but I have listened to everything you've said and you're right - some action needs to happen on his part, because it's making me feel rubbish. I just need to find the right time to say something now.

We did make up after the row the other week and I told him I feel like a mistress and if we can all go on holiday together why can't we live together full time. He said we could and the kids think I'm fantastic, be we need our own place. I said well when and how are we going to get our own place? He looked a bit stumped and didn't know what to say. I said, these things don't just magically happen, they need decisions and effort and he agreed and said we both need to think about things if we're going to make decisions. I said the problem is we have separate finances and responsibilities so any decisions need to protect both of us and I don't want to give up my house if we're not married.

And that is the circular problem. He knows that. And we can't get married because he's not divorced. So he knows I am not happy. I'm hoping we'll have chance to talk properly while we're away, but then it might be quite hectic. After our holiday the kids are away with their Mum for two weeks so we will have a quieter time, although I'll still be working.

My friend at work said I needed to give him an ultimatum. I'm not sure about that. Ultimatums can come across a bit hostile and could make things worse.

Hi Kitty, I do think there is an element of hesitation with men who have been stung by the breakdown of their first marriage. He may seem hesitant but men do not reveal how grief stricken they are by divorce. Divorce is up there on the list of the most stressful life events and I believe no matter the circumstances, no one wants a breakdown of marriage. No (decent man) one wants to live apart from their kids. Its traumatic and it takes time. So whilst this situation is new to you, bear in mind that your partner may feel anxious about starting over. He knows how much you have to put in to a relationship and he knows what there is to lose. Its painful.
He is saying the right things to you. He may just not be ready. Im 8 years in with my husband. Things have never settled as we both would have liked and they probably never will. My husband still does not reveal the pain created by his divorce but i can see it is inside of him. I have directly asked him if his divorce was painful. He responded that only due to losing his children, not waking up every day in the same house as them. It can take years to heal from a life changing event. If all the things you want to happen are going to happen then they will emerge naturally. I agree men need to be nudged in the right direction but also there is no rush. Try and enjoy your time during the holidays. Request a chat at some point in the future. But also remember your boundaries. EFH does not and must not make rules that affect your personal well-being.
Good luck and keep us posted x

 

[Esme]

Hope you have a good holiday and all goes well. We can catch up about the heavier stuff later

 

[Maya]

Kids can and will make a mess of things. When parents are divorced they tell one one thing and the other sometimes else, because they naturally know which buttons to press. They are afraid of loosing too and are hostile to anyone who may threaten the stability of their family whatever it may be. I remember my own daughters. They didn’t like their stepmother at first at all. When she was pregnant, my oldest wished she would fall down the stairs, but when the baby brother was born, she fell in love with him. But me and my ex get on. We talk when needed and always sit together with H at family occasions. I have to sit with my ex mother in law?!, because I seem to be the only one that can handle her intensity these days and some very odd behaviors. Maybe I see her differently now and I am definitely detached from her. She calls me sometimes, even remembers my birthday sometimes. But when I got divorced decades ago, she was exMIL from hell. She would see her own granddaughters.

I know we would all love to run away sometimes and we feel our husbands, partners are weak, spineless.
Why are they with us, because we are strong/er and they are attracted to us.
The downside is that they have probably had a line of strong, even narcissistic women in their families, from mothers to ex wives and adapted to being controlled and people pleasers.
And they take it out on us sometimes, sacrificing our relationships.
There are many aspects that make us what we are. Perhaps we are kinder and calmer and more loving, so they think it is easier to negotiate with us that exw and the kids.
We marry the man and get the whole family. We try to befriend them and sometimes it works in our cases it mostly doesn’t. If it is not the EFH, then it is the in-laws or the children. There is always someone that wants us out of the picture.
I know in my case they want me out because I support H in fighting for his rights and standing up to the bullies, his siblings.
They were always bullies, but while MIL was alive, she held them back as far as H goes, but stood against me for years.
I admit it is messy sometimes, but I find it best to focus on the good, do what is good for me regardless of H and see my relationship as being functional or not in a way that enables me to live out my life my was, disregarding the people that surround me. I have to, or they would eat me alive and take everything I have. Not my DDs of course.
I am starting to plan my life out as if my relationship might not last forever. Betrayal is high on my list of things I have to avoid, so one thing I decided to do is sign the right papers. I will do it one way or the other. I need safety.

I have no final advice for you Kitty, just have a good time and then slowly but surely press for resolution in your favor. If you don’t try you will never know if it would have worked out.
Things can get messy if we stay in a miserable marriage or if we are single.
Maybe if I was better informed at the beginning and saw the signs in EFH, maybe it would have been easier for me.
I had a fixed picture of what it should be in my mind and when that vision was crushed, I was very helpless.
I never ever want to be in that space and I am not up for divorce right now.