Absent fathers

[Esme]

Yes, he was just here for two weeks his longest visit ever. We got to spend at least five whole days together and afternoons after work. For the first time in decades. Before it was just business to him. He spent an afternoon or max a day with us, the rest with his rich friends and interviews and meetings.

Do you get on ok? It must be like an elephant in the room at times perhaps. Parents should treat their children equally. I can only think it was because your brother was a boy. But if you were having hard times after a divorce, he could have helped. Maybe he thought that was your ex H's job. Divorce can make parents act strangely sometimes as well (although I'm not making excuses for him). ie they find it hard to handle that one of their own children is divorced and not living the perfect life perhaps. But then your Dad must have been divorced too if you have a stepmum. Maybe it's some issue of his own then. Good that your stepmum helped out.

The other strange thing sometimes is, if a wealthy parent helps a divorced daughter financially they may think it might go to some other man if you remarried.

Do you know if he's made a will? My Dad treated both his daughters equally and left everything 50/50. Another story which you might remember some of as my sister wanted more.

However she was always given a lot more when my parents were alive, and partly that was because she lived nearer and had children. And because she was the type to ask a lot.

 

[Maya]

Strangely enough I get on with my father. We had difficulties after divorce, because my mother just couldn’t move on and behaved like an EFH and turned me against him. He was also not a very good father then. Our family had issues and therefore they divorced.
He was very poor when growing up, but when he met my mother she and her parents, my grandparents helped a lot. I even lived with them during the week and went to school there. Then we moved to US and it got worse over the years. I couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t stand the fighting and punishments. I know they were both struggling to make it there, but it was too difficult for me in the family. No peace. So I had summer jobs and earned enough money to return by myself (ran away from home) and returned to my country.
I was a stranger here, I was more American and didn’t fit in well and was also a runaway. I stayed with my grandparents and then my mother and sister returned too.
So to my mother I was the one that initiated the divorce, to my father I was just a crazy teen who ran away.
I just couldn’t win.
I adapted and made my life here.
I reconciled with my father and we established a relationship. My sister never did.

At one point in my life I had to decide whether to have contact with my parents or not and the answer was yes. It was too painful not to be a part of the family.

I accepted my father for his good points and decided to forgive him for his actions. He also apologized to me and told me it was never me, it was him, he had a temper.

But the different treatment remained and I wanted him in my life.

We enjoyed our time together when he came over recently, we talked and just spent time. He was acting as a father of a teen to me telling me, teaching me how to live my life. He a sort of forgot that decades passed by.
So that was a bit tiring, but I know he meant well.

He is old and a bit tired and forgetful. I was making the most of it, just couldn’t take more time off.

I think my sister may at one point regret not spending more time with him. But she did spend two afternoons together with us. None of her daughters called or showed up and I know he was hurt, so was my SM.
He is not all bad, he has some great aspects to him that I really like. Like his will to push on even at this stage. He raced me around the lake and I couldn’t believe how fast he is.
He likes my H and they get along.

Changing him now and making life miserable for him and myself is out of the question.

But there is the elephant… I elect to ignore. Especially now.
I had a total recall when I read the posts here and I just wanted to point out there are many different situations.

EFH caused me hell, 5 lawsuits one against my EDD all about money. H lost everything, but to his sons, so that was ok. But not the way it was done. She wanted my money, didn’t get a penny. Just made me sick and incapacitated.

I can’t stand her and never want to see her in my life. Thankfully she lives far enough away from me and I hope she stays there.

I did not have it easy in many respects, but thank god this didn’t stop me.

 

[Esme]

Yes it's important to forgive and enjoy the time while you can Once you have put boundaries in place, the relationship can improve.

 

[Esme]

It sounds like maybe your Father excluded you because you left home - a kind of fall out with you? I may be wrong. These hurt feelings can get so mixed up. Sometimes there needs to be a rift before there can be a reconciliation. That is a shame and I’m glad the relationship is better now.