Noodle
Active member
I just raised this issue in a previous post and I believe its such a controversial issue it warrants debate.
My thoughts are, as my ex husband walked out on me and my children without a thought and we never heard from him again, did he do the right or wrong thing?
Society will say he did the wrong thing, however i do not believe that society feels strongly towards men walking out on their families. Its commonplace isnt it?
Society feels strongly towards women who walk out on their children and these women are demonised in the media along with single mothers. Yet single mothers are the symptom of absent fathers and its very rare that a women will walk out on her children without a very compelling reason.
Here in this forum we clearly all believe that men should be present in their children's lives and it is encouraged, but if in certain circumstances they had chosen to turn their backs as many men do, then would we (and all involved) be happier all round?
Men have a very difficult time when they leave the family home whether it be by choice or circumstance. They have to at least support the children financially by law and then they are often expected to put a roof over the children's heads for visiting times. Some men simply cannot afford this.
Once they meet another woman as is natural, they are then often both continually judged as to whether they are parenting in accordance with the ex wifes wishes and beliefs.
If men do not tow the line, do as they are told, then access to their children will be denied in many cases. There have been incidences of blackmail. Im sure this happens a lot as I have worked in relationship advice centres and seen this first hand.
The Child Maintenance Service is geared towards keeping childrens time with fathers to a minimum as the less time a father spends with the children the more money the mother gets in maintenance . This in itself is an incentive for mothers to reduce the amount of time their children spend with their father.
The courts give out Child Arrangements Orders in favour of children spending most of their time with their mothers.
Is it any wonder, some men decide to opt out? Seemingly the system is wholly set up to penalise men. Thats without the personal aspect of the situation which in itself is painful.
Just to point out, I have been on both sides of this fence. There is a financial remedy for single mothers raising children with absent fathers. There is no financial remedy for fathers who have to leave the family home and start from scratch.
The UK government benefit system pays financial credits to the parent with the majority of care. There is no system or recognition in place for parents with equal shared care. The money tends to automatically be given to the mother without question and men have a usually long and pointless fight on their hands trying to explain the situation.
A single man on a minimum wage cannot afford to rent a house or flat with potentially 3 bedrooms. Where does that leave him when the EFH or social services demand children of a certain age and sex must have seperate rooms?
In my case, I was a single working mother with no financial support from my childrens father. I then engaged in a relationship with a man who wanted to wholly support his children. As a consequence of the system, which I believe is unfair towards men, we then suffered financially because the CMS did nothing to resolve the issue of my financial situation but were happy to hound my then partner for all they could take financially from him. We had 4 children between us and so we had to rent a 5 bedroom house. Needless to say it was a financial struggle. A huge burden upon our relationship both financially and emotionally. And all this whilst EFH sits happily in her 3 bedroom house with her pay outs from the government and the highest amount of child maintenance she can get whilst denying access for more money.
The UK CMS system is unfair. There are other systems in the world which take the income of households into account and then take a percentage from each household which lies within their means.
Ive recently been subjected to being told by friends that "I" must do my best to sort out the relationship between my H and my stepchildren because its the right thing to do from a moral point of view. I have begrudgingly done my best. But, sometimes it is just too hard.
I think its easier for wealthy people who can afford to throw solicitors letters around. We are not that fortunate and in part this is down to the privileges that ex wives are given after divorce / relationship breakdown.
Ive come to the realisation that there is no moral high ground. Sometimes things are better just left alone. Sometimes it is better to accept that its never going to work.
My thoughts are, as my ex husband walked out on me and my children without a thought and we never heard from him again, did he do the right or wrong thing?
Society will say he did the wrong thing, however i do not believe that society feels strongly towards men walking out on their families. Its commonplace isnt it?
Society feels strongly towards women who walk out on their children and these women are demonised in the media along with single mothers. Yet single mothers are the symptom of absent fathers and its very rare that a women will walk out on her children without a very compelling reason.
Here in this forum we clearly all believe that men should be present in their children's lives and it is encouraged, but if in certain circumstances they had chosen to turn their backs as many men do, then would we (and all involved) be happier all round?
Men have a very difficult time when they leave the family home whether it be by choice or circumstance. They have to at least support the children financially by law and then they are often expected to put a roof over the children's heads for visiting times. Some men simply cannot afford this.
Once they meet another woman as is natural, they are then often both continually judged as to whether they are parenting in accordance with the ex wifes wishes and beliefs.
If men do not tow the line, do as they are told, then access to their children will be denied in many cases. There have been incidences of blackmail. Im sure this happens a lot as I have worked in relationship advice centres and seen this first hand.
The Child Maintenance Service is geared towards keeping childrens time with fathers to a minimum as the less time a father spends with the children the more money the mother gets in maintenance . This in itself is an incentive for mothers to reduce the amount of time their children spend with their father.
The courts give out Child Arrangements Orders in favour of children spending most of their time with their mothers.
Is it any wonder, some men decide to opt out? Seemingly the system is wholly set up to penalise men. Thats without the personal aspect of the situation which in itself is painful.
Just to point out, I have been on both sides of this fence. There is a financial remedy for single mothers raising children with absent fathers. There is no financial remedy for fathers who have to leave the family home and start from scratch.
The UK government benefit system pays financial credits to the parent with the majority of care. There is no system or recognition in place for parents with equal shared care. The money tends to automatically be given to the mother without question and men have a usually long and pointless fight on their hands trying to explain the situation.
A single man on a minimum wage cannot afford to rent a house or flat with potentially 3 bedrooms. Where does that leave him when the EFH or social services demand children of a certain age and sex must have seperate rooms?
In my case, I was a single working mother with no financial support from my childrens father. I then engaged in a relationship with a man who wanted to wholly support his children. As a consequence of the system, which I believe is unfair towards men, we then suffered financially because the CMS did nothing to resolve the issue of my financial situation but were happy to hound my then partner for all they could take financially from him. We had 4 children between us and so we had to rent a 5 bedroom house. Needless to say it was a financial struggle. A huge burden upon our relationship both financially and emotionally. And all this whilst EFH sits happily in her 3 bedroom house with her pay outs from the government and the highest amount of child maintenance she can get whilst denying access for more money.
The UK CMS system is unfair. There are other systems in the world which take the income of households into account and then take a percentage from each household which lies within their means.
Ive recently been subjected to being told by friends that "I" must do my best to sort out the relationship between my H and my stepchildren because its the right thing to do from a moral point of view. I have begrudgingly done my best. But, sometimes it is just too hard.
I think its easier for wealthy people who can afford to throw solicitors letters around. We are not that fortunate and in part this is down to the privileges that ex wives are given after divorce / relationship breakdown.
Ive come to the realisation that there is no moral high ground. Sometimes things are better just left alone. Sometimes it is better to accept that its never going to work.
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