Update

Happy New Year!
Haven't been here for a while as I felt quite ill with depression mid 24...felt a lot better the later part of the year.
Really needing to vent over the events of the past few months.
We arranged for the children to visit us for Christmas.
SD was invited to our home for the 2nd time this year and bear in mind H paid for her flights both times.
So SD who is 20 years old knew she was visiting at Christmas.
A few weeks prior to the flight we get an email from EFH stating, "SD has no money for spending whilst she is at your house for 4 weeks. You are her father and I expect you to cover all her expenses whilst she is in your care, she will not be getting any spending money from me".
SD is 20 years old and has been in employment since she knew she would be returning here.
So we responded appropriately, basically saying, we have already paid for 2 return flights this year and as SD is old enough now, we have no financial responsibility towards EFH we simply asked her to bring some spending money as a contribution towards outings.
So the poison was laid before she even turned up which is normal.
I think she does it on purpose.
SD turns up. To cut a long story short, I feel 100 per cent as though SD has received instructions from her mother along the lines of
Do not lift a finger in that house
Do not spend a penny of your own money
Make life as difficult as possible for your dad's wife
Be lazy , sprawl yourself around the sofa so no one else can get a seat
Make a mess wherever you go
SD struts around my house like she owns the place and as if I am just her servant.
On top of that, as if that is not enough, after the whole lack of spending money issue, she goes to the mall, buys herself expensive gifts and then sits at home looking at flights for her next holiday destination. But apparently she can't put her hand in her pocket to buy anyone a drink. Not even as a gesture of gratitude or good will.
She is a lazy, selfish girl who acts like the world owes her a living.

Oh sorry you had that experience over Christmas! I know the previous visit from SD caused you some problems as well. At 20 you'd think she'd be less of a teenager! No progress with SS then? It sounds like EFH set this up really - over the money thing. She was probably just told - you don't pay for anything, your Dad can pay. Does sound like she was making herself at home! But she could have offered to help, as you say.

It's just so rude to not offer to help with the cleaning. And to leave things lying around all over the place

Ss is still not speaking to H.

It is rude. Unfortunately her Mother is teaching her to be entitled, by the sound of it. It is probably meant to get to you as well. Was she ok with you generally?

Yeah on the positive side it's been OK. H has been quite good about the matter. SD has her boyfriend with her so the dynamic is very different. It's interesting though to watch how she treats her boyfriend. Poor guy hangs on her every word and she is quite rude to him sometimes. Bossy.
I have my 2 children with me and that makes me very happy.
I guess it's normal to feel a bit put out when you feel like your house is not your own.

Yes of course - being invaded over Christmas is never easy ha ha! I think it's good she had her bf with her so it wasn't an awkward number. Shame about SS but I sometimes think boys get more hurt easily or react like this more. I think he asked if he could come and live with you and H didn't he? And your H said no - so he is not going to risk feeling rejected again. Does H get any communication at all?

No he doesn't.
I don't think H said point blank no I think he more pointed out that it simply isn't possible.
There has been zero communication between them. I offered my phone number to him via SD as a friendly gesture.
The problem is EFH persistently frames me as a monster so it makes no difference how nice or welcoming I try to make myself the poison was laid down a very long time ago.
He did ask if he could come with the others at Christmas but the only reason he asked was because he felt left out and because he had had zero communication and was difficult to get him on the same flights ( he refuses to fly alone) it didn't happen and the non communication has continued despite this.
SD has pointed out that her brother holds a grudge against his dad. When I asked her why she said its due to feelings of abandonment and has got nothing to do with her mum who actively encourages SS to visit her dad. ( A bit too little too late and I don't doubt for one second that it's for selfish reasons)
I don't want to sound like I don't feel for him as things are extremely complex but when EFH found out H was leaving for Australia she immediately framed the situation as abandonment because she's a drama queen and also always a victim.
What does she expect?
I went for a long walk this morning and I thought although things with SD are significantly better, there are still issues.
For instance, if both H and I are in a room, all conversation is directed at H, never me and the boyfriend does this too.
When H is at work SD will then turn to me to entertain her and I resent this behavior. It's like I'm unimportant until she wants something.
I said to H at the weekend, I need to say something. I said I feel like your daughter thinks she's more important than me in my house.
H was arranging a BBQ on Saturday and I asked them all what would you like to eat. The only person who answered me was my daughter.
I walked out of the room.
H noticed and pulled SD and her boyfriend up about ignoring me.
Just why?
Honestly if I ask her to do something she point blank ignores me.
So I say to H YOU need to tell her to stop making a mess.
He agreed with me that she thinks she's more important. It's like a pecking order and I'm at the bottom.
He doesn't like it, he gets upset and pegs me as a part of the problem but the problem is that EFH laid down this derogatory attitude towards me a long time ago and H has allowed it to continue for far too long. I'm glad he's finally starting to see the bigger picture after 10 years.

H texted SS on Christmas day and new years day and both times got nothing back

It's really hard I know. I went through a period when SS was alienated against me and would only talk to OH - when I live here and had parented him for years. It is really hard. The one thing I felt helped was never show that it gets to you or you're upset - because somehow that fuels it a bit more - maybe subconsciously. I found it incredibly hard, but I just had to act normal. OH would talk to me as normal - he was quite good in that he didn't fall into the trap of loving the sole attention and me being ignored and he would occasionally include me or say lets ask Esme. That meant SS couldn't completely keep up the ignoring. So some of it comes down to H, and instead of telling them they shouldn't ignore you, he should just try to actively include you. But it's hard work having to think about these things all the time when SD and her bf are there.

That is what helped me - never showing that I was bothered - even though it really hurt. Gradually things would improve a bit, then pull back again. It went on for quite a while.

Ok so SS feels abandoned and EFH has put that in his head (whatever SD says). Your H just needs to keep reaching out to him with love and reassuring him that he always wants to see him, wherever he lives. It's encouraging he actually wanted to come at Christmas but ......your H needs to get SD to tell him Dad wants to see him as well and Dad cares about him.

I know boys can be incredibly sensitive.

My relationship with SS never did fully get back to what it was before, but it did improve a lot - but once he was a teenager..... there is all sorts going on with them.

Thank you Esme, it sounds like you've been through a really difficult and emotional journey too, I can feel the strength and patience it must have taken to navigate that situation. It’s incredibly hard to feel excluded or alienated, especially when you’ve invested so much love and care over the years. Your approach of not showing how much it hurt, even though it clearly did, shows a lot of resilience. I think I myself do tend to keep my poker face on. I say nothing and just tell H to deal with it.

It’s also wonderful that your OH recognized the dynamics and made an effort to include you—those small moments of validation must have been a lifeline. I know how exhausting it can be to constantly manage those emotions and interactions, but your ability to hold steady undoubtedly helped in creating a more stable environment, even if the progress was slow and not perfect.

You’re right that teenagers, and boys in particular, can be so sensitive during those years, and they’re often grappling with things that we can’t always see or fully understand.

Thank you for sharing your experience—it’s a reminder of how complex family relationships can be, but also how much strength and love can shine through in the hardest times.

Aren't these men lucky to have us!
How are things with SS these days? I haven't had the chance to go over all the old posts that I have missed as of yet

You haven't missed much The difference with my situation, was only had to act normal for a week-end or overnight usually - whereas you've had a long holiday period to deal with. With holiday periods, SS used to improve a lot (because away from EFH) but it took about a week usually.

Life is just the same here. SS is nearly 17 and has his own life! It does feel odd sometimes. It was like - we just got him back - and now he's grown up and not interested in parents.

Having 3 guests in the house for 4 weeks is mentally exhausting.
It hasn't worked having them all here together but at least we tried. I don't think I will do it again.
I haven't been able to spend quality time with my daughter due to SD & bf being here. It started off OK but it's definitely turned sour.
I just want them to go home now which is a shame.
It's hard to hold in frustration for so long in your own home where you should feel safe.
There is something in the air, in my space, it affects me. This happened last time SD visited and it took me a very long time to get over it and potentially triggered the depressive episode I had after she left.
H has been a lot more aware this time and has had my back but emotionally it's not enough for me. I wish I had a 100 per cent alliance with someone I can trust, who totally understands how difficult this is.
Only a few days left.
I lost it at the weekend, I exploded. SD was being spiteful and mocking my daughter. Name calling. I shouted at her. Not that it makes any difference at all. She switched on the water works and created blame to place on my daughter

She comes across to her father as butter wouldn't melt, no sooner was his back turned, poison starts coming out of her mouth. I just couldn't keep it inside this time.
Funny, when H walked back into the room his helpless face. Not knowing how to deal with the situation and a few clumsy words came out basically telling me to stop. Not helpful.
I know I wasn't helpful and my reaction was not the best but does it make a difference?
The boyfriend kissing her tears away, H telling me to drop it! The atmosphere now is forced, but it always is.
When you get the feeling someone has been briefed that I'm a monster before they step foot in my house...its hard to sit on it. I don't think the bf liked me from the start. As I said they have been briefed, pretend she's not there. Ignore her. Just speak to your dad.
Urgh nightmare

Hi,

Happy New Year.
Can you emotionally blank out for the few days you have left. I know it’s not what you would want, but it is self preservation.
It’s easy to say, I remember how I felt also being introduced in a similar way. It was difficult, but in the end I just set some boundaries and basically just did the basics and for most of the time stayed in a different room or just sent them out for a pizza, bowling, whatever, just to have some alone time with my DDs.

Stay strong and don’t worry too much. It only hurts more and it drown me even more nuts.

I understand what you're saying, and you're absolutely right to prioritize well-being and set boundaries. It’s not always easy, especially in situations like this, but stepping back and focusing on what helps us to feel grounded is important. Giving ourselves space, whether by staying in a different room, finding distractions, or encouraging others to go out, can make the time more manageable
My son actually said something similar to me he's 19. He said its barely worth the worry. Be happy and kind and if it's not reciprocated then there is nothing more you can do. Wise boy. Thank you Maya.

Got the in laws coming in a few weeks

You mean they are still there?!!! It must feel very claustrophobic yes - I think I would want to go out every day for a walk or something! It's never good to lose your temper, whatever someone has done and said - even though I quite understand that sometimes it builds up and we just blow - I've done it myself. Both girls are adults aren't they? While it must bring the Mother tiger out in you, it might have been better to just calmly say - now I don't want any unpleasantness for anyone please - be nice to each other.

I think the worst thing about losing your temper is it immediately makes you lose credibility as a parent in the kids eyes - that's what I have found. It does sound like you're going to have to apologise for losing your temper now - and have a proper chat and say - you're sorry you shouted and lost your temper - you want both girls to be nice to each other.

Thank you for your advice, and I do agree. I’ve already apologised for losing my temper—I’m only human, and I face extra challenges with my daughter, especially with her special needs. There’s a lot of water under the bridge that I can’t just forget. My stepdaughter should know better; she often acts over-entitled and puts on the angel act in front of her father, but I’ve seen her spiteful streak. Meanwhile, my daughter asks for nothing. I’m doing my best to keep the peace, but it’s a lot to handle at times.

A couple of things SD has said over this time I just want to share.
At dinner one evening she mentioned getting married. She made very clear eye contact with H when she said, " you will come back to the UK when I get married won't you?" she didn't look at me but I could see there was some discomfort in her body language. She then looked at me and I pointed out, ah you were only looking at H when you made that invite. She said, no you aswell. I said , I think we both know that I would not be welcome at your wedding. There was no further response. H said nothing.
Then yesterday there was a conversation about H returning to live I the UK. SD says he should come back and H says he has absolutely no reason to. SD quite strongly said, but you have your family in the UK and that's why you should want to return. I know that during the course of that conversation she was not including me in her mind. In her mind she has still not accepted that her father has moved on to have a new life with me and that I am Hs family. We have been together for 10 years but still she can't make that divide. I know that from my experience on this forum consideration towards stepchildren feelings is considered top priority. That's fine but how long do I have to put up with being meaningless in my husbands life? It is hurtful to live with.

That was insensitive of her to say you should move back to the Uk but she probably knew that would be both of you. I think it's easy to read too much into something. Yes she probably does address H directly but she knows you're his wife. She probably never will feel comfortable addressing you both as if you were parents, even though you're a couple. So yes she was addressing her Dad but I'm sure she wasn't suggested he moved back without you - even if it felt like that. Her point was probably - I'm getting married, I may have children - you're a really long way away, come back and live in the Uk. It's kind of understandable but also not good either as it's his life and he should be able to live wherever he chooses. But at least she made her preferences clear. It is a point actually that if he became a Grandad he wouldn't be able to see his grandchildren.

At least she said "you too" about the wedding. That shows she would be happy with you being there. I think the danger with saying you both know you wouldn't be welcome is that it is inadvertently taking a shot at EFH - and even if it's true she will have loyalty to her Mother and it might not help your relationship with her if you criticise her Mother (in a roundabout way).

These are really awkward things! Weddings with an EFH in the background - thing is would you want to be there if EFH was there?! Probably not but you'd still be better going than not going I think

So SD had big things to talk about during this visit

I'm not dismissing your feelings. It's just easier to have an outside view when you're not personally involved and I know there's a lot of water under the bridge.#

The forum is support for stepmums I only mentioned apologising because it's what I feel I have to do when I've blown up at someone. Whatever the cause I genuinely feel bad for yelling at people..

I forgot your daughter was special needs and if SD was being unpleasant to her then I'm not surprised you blew up!

I doubt H would want to move back anyway - what do you think? But yes maybe there is a hint of - well you wouldn't have moved here if it wasn't for Noodle. You probably will get blamed for that as they think they know H but I can see your point that they can't quite accept he's moved on and has a relationship.

On the other hand I'm just looking at it as a daughter. I think I'd want my Dad around as well. At least once she's married she'll be away from living with EFH! Things might improve then.

Maybe when you've had time to process it you and H could both just say how exciting it is that she's getting married and you're sure you'll work something out.