Update

I generally agree.
I still recall all the hell you and H had to go through and having your DD with special needs, warrants some consideration to her and you as well.
SD is from what I understand a bit of a spoilt brat. She can have her father, but doesn’t have to take it out on you.
Having lived with my father overseas I understand that she could feel left out. He divorced his ex, but not his daughter.
My father actually deserted me (also my sister, but not so much) for quite a few years and my stepmother did not have any experience with children when she married him. Only later when they had my brother did she begin to understand the bond between a parent and child. It wasn’t always easy and least of all pleasant. I did feel like he left me, didn’t love me or respect me. I keep the relationship going, so did he to some extent. Lately he has issues with dementia and I know it could be over anytime.
My stepmother is nice, but I am not her DD. She has her hands full, her priorities.

So coming from all the experience of being an SD and a stepmother, I understand both points.
I hope you can establish your position with H to the fullest extent, but just know that he has a daughter who is not willing to give up on her father. Why would she.
She acts like he owes her. Entitled, not as nice and that is so uncalled for.
If she goes too far as far as you are concerned than you must call her out.
My father wanted my stepmother to go along every time.
All we wanted is to have him to ourselves if just for a few hours. I think she understood that and was fine with it, but my father never really tried. It was just easier for him if she went along. And that hurt. It’s almost over now, he has issues with dementia.

Let SD be close to her father, maybe even tell her they should spend some time together alone.
Being mean to your DD is a character flaw. That is in my opinion on another level. She should know better and her father should make sure she understands the situation.

She will always be a part of your family, but you can also just let them spend time together alone. Abusing you and being unkind is completely wrong.
In the end things work out somehow and time passes way too fast, so embrace the good times and forget the bad. It’s just suffering going through everything that went wrong.
Vent on here, but shake it off in your life. You don’t need more stress, you have your life to live.
I think you should simply accept SD has her own issues and being nasty is one of them. You don’t have to like her. It’s ok if you are slightly indifferent. It’s preserving your energy.
Life will teach SD humility. Marriage is not easy and once she will have children, her focus will be on her family.

I don’t know her, but I can tell you are having a difficult time and that says a lot.
 
Thank you both for sharing your perspectives they reflect a lot of strength and wisdom. It’s not easy to stay neutral and protect our own peace in such situations, but it sounds like you both found a balanced way to navigate this dynamic over time.
Maya, I'm so sorry to hear your father has dementia, that must be so difficult 😞
The children have left now and upon reflection it wasn't too bad.
It's just the one thing that sticks with me at present was the lack of respect in our home. I did speak to H about this and I was surprised that he actually felt the same way. SD and her boyfriend would get out of bed and lie bare foot across the length of the sofa. I felt like saying, if you are tired, go back to bed. 🤣 also the mess that they made was off the scale. Now H never speaks badly of anyone so when he said to me, that it's the way SD has been brought up, this was a dig at his ex wife, very satisfying to hear 😆. I can only imagine the mess that they must make in their own home.
I understand that SD is in her parent dads house, but her boyfriend also lying across the length of my sofa in a practical strangers house, I found that extremely rude personally. I would never do that and I wouldn't have done it at that age in someone else's house. There was no where for me to sit. And dirty feet on the arms of my sofa? No. Next time I must lay down some boundaries.
 
Oh one other thing, there wasn't a word of thanks from SD and the boyfriend for putting them up in our house for a month. Not one single word of gratitude or appreciation!
 
I am sorry, but it was the same in my situation.
It was even difficult to part without some tension arising and than SSs coming home and telling their mother how bad it was, because all she wanted to hear was “what went wrong” and how poorly we are doing, so the only motivation was to find fault and make sure they get as much as they could out of us.
Years ago, I said no more. I was pushed away and stayed away. Tbh, I stopped caring, my girls stopped caring too, because the behaviors of their stepbrothers was very often nasty, ungrateful, uncaring, especially when ESS who lives here, attended the invites to family celebrations. He couldn’t care less and couldn’t buy a chocolate for my grandson’s birthday.
So when H celebrated, I wasn’t in great shape, still being quite ill, but I also wasn’t motivated at all.
I was just sorry I wasn’t there for my family.

Sorry, not in the best mental space right now. Things happen and are said that just stay with me and when I am tired it’s more difficult to shake them off.
 
I completely understand and thank you for sharing.

Exactly the same here, I kept thinking my every word will be judged and taken back to EFH because although they pretend they are not interested the battle continues on for their whole life. Of course EFH wants to know our failings.

I did mention to H I think SD will be taking home parts of our lives to share with EFH , he disagreed but he can't see any wrong in her of course.

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy emotional burden for a long time, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that. Family dynamics, especially in blended families, can be so complicated and painful, particularly when we feel like our efforts or kindness aren’t valued or even noticed. It’s exhausting to give so much and not see it reciprocated, and it’s completely valid to feel hurt and drained by that. I know I do. I've been feeling down and drained since they left and with mixed emotions.

It’s even harder when dealing with moments of tension or outright rejection, only for those experiences to be twisted or used against you. That kind of treatment leaves us feeling disheartened and weary. It’s understandable that over time, anyone would feel the need to step back and protect themselves and children .Its so important to prioritize peace and emotional well-being although not always easy.

I know when tired and overwhelmed, it’s so much harder to shake off those lingering thoughts and memories. They bubble up when we dont want them to they sometimes feel sharper in those moments. But please don’t forget that you did your best in a very difficult situation. You certainly were resilient in the face of those challenges. You should be proud of that.
 
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Thank you. It helps to hear I am not the only one that went through this and it still hurts. I basically enforced the invites of SSs to all our big celebrations. I still think that is the right thing to do.
In the end, even without my presence, my girls with families and SSs with girlfriend went with H to celebrate his birthday to a very good local Chinese restaurant. They all love the food and I am stuck on gluten free diet and would be able to eat there anyway, and they all had a great time and went home very happy.
It was good, I wasn’t there and I guess when you add it all up, it’s not so bad. But when tired and sick at home the bad things seem to creep up.
It sometimes feels like a chemical change in my brain takes place after a flue and pneumonia, and I have nightmares, I don’t sleep well and not much good comes to mind.

But today was a good day. We are at our cabin and a potential buyer came to see us about the house. He likes it, he just needs to think about it because of a longer drive to work. But he is already checking around for contractors for the new roof and fasade. So we are hopeful, we would like to get it off our hands. It’s been an interesting 8 years and we had some good times here. We are moving on also putting on the market our place in the city and buying a house in a village close to the city.
We like having a house and some land and peace, but need to keep in mind we also need amenities close by. So we will see what’s next for us.
We also had a nice sunny day we missed so much during the winter.

I hope you can also start to regain some self preserving energy that you invested in the family visit. Regardless of how it goes, we do have an effect on others and offer a different perspective on things. I can see it, no matter how they try to downplay it, in the end they do what I would, it just has to be their idea.
Bottom line, we make a difference and we matter. (Even when we don’t really care, we do what we can.)
 
Thank you Maya.
On the whole things are sounding very positive for you.
Actually, I have always thought that there us a massive component of psychology that cones with a virus or cold. I've had high temperatures on many occasions that have given me circular pattern nightmares. It definitely affects the brain so I empathise with you on how yukky that is.
I think you are right, there is an effect . You have a good insight. Our lives do touch others and we may not realise that at the time. I'm starting to enjoy my own skin. It's funny because at one point I looked at myself over the holidays and I thought, I may be coming across as aloof but I totally didn't care. Not in a bad way but in an I quite like who I am way.
They can take it or leave it. I don't care as much as I used to and that's a good thing.
Thank you and good luck with the house sale 😀
 
Hey
I'm still frustrated at not getting a thankyou from SD and boyfriend for staying with us over Christmas. It's playing on a reel in my mind. I feel like I want to communicate this in text?
How can I frame this to SD without causing offence?
 
Typical! Young people never seem to think to say thank you these days do they? They see everything as their right! SS doesn't say thank you very often either - unless you buy him something he wants!

I guess you could send a nice notecard and say it was good to see her and hope she is getting on ok. And see if that prompts a thank you. But I don't think you'll get one.
 
I never got a thank you either. Nowadays I do occasionally, but it’s hardly meaningful. They usually say it because others do, but tbh, I don’t even remember.
If they said a fairly nice goodbye, that should suffice.
As you describe SD, she has not been brought up well mannered and the other point is, that she may believe it is her right to be with you and no thank you is needed.
Whenever I went to see my father, I always hated saying thank you. It felt as if I didn’t belong. When you are with your parents and live as a family unit, no child is obliged to say thank you for just being there.
That is my personal take on this topic. It is easy to feel excluded just by having to be thankful every time you meet and unrealistic.

As years went by, I kept the thank you in relation to my father and SM, but sadly I never felt I really mattered, but that is my father’s fault. He gave what he could, his father was a piece of work, I never knew him, died before I was born, but heard stories that abuse.
My father never gave me time or it was limited to a few hours. Now looking back it’s just painful, because he is slowly checking out and becoming lost, dementia. Our relationship never really grew into father daughter relationship. It was more of a formality and we all pretend that’s it.

If you got on fairly well, I think that’s good enough. Next time just tell them to take their feet off the couch. It would bother me too, so I just said it by the way.
Those small things can be very unnerving. Irrelevant basically, but very indicative of their attitude. If you say it in a nonchalant way, they won’t even see it as an attack on them, just your picky nature. Which it is and so is mine.

I know what it was like when ESS lived with us, his own father couldn’t cope, I was much better at it. He was depressed, came to us addicted to painkillers, brought girls home without our knowledge at night, was failing school and became very difficult at times. H never knew how to set boundaries, I did, but eventually it became so difficult, I proposed he move to H’s apartment and helped him get organized and basically moved him in, buying cleaning products, dishes, towels…
We couldn’t cope, so we helped. I took him shopping or just shopped for him and brought a trunk full of food so he could take what he needed, took him shopping for clothes and other stuff and gave him pocket money and tried to teach him to pay the bills…
I did my duty, but they forget that. H and I also cleaned up the place after his mother rented out the spare bedrooms to other boys. He got the rent, we had no entry at the time, but it got so bad the place was demolished.
When he was gone and everyone left, because ESS couldn’t stand it any more, we cleaned out the place and when he came back, he couldn’t believe it. The repairs were done and everything was in its place. It was a new start for him. At that point he did say thank you several times.

So, in your situation I would just argue that it went well enough and that is sufficient. And not only that, it’s pretty great. Be proud, don’t go after details. As I explained, if you were a family unit, you would not expect a thank you.

My SM always did. We get on, but I know she judged me harshly for everything we got, my brother, her son, got everything. It’s the same with my girls. Their younger brothers get everything, my girls can’t compare in any way.

As a SM myself, I understand you totally. But there is another side to this. As long as you get on and SD doesn’t feel like she is in the way, I tink you are doing very well.
That is the worst that a child can feel. I did and it hurt. We got on with my father and SM, but are also estranged. I barely have any contact with my brother. SM has he own life and her hands full I would guess.

This year they went to London, but have no plans to stop here to see us. What do you say to that? It’s just over and sad. My brother was here only once, but I did everything to get him the dual citizenship. He never said thanks. Sm was more involved, I don’t know if he was told I basically did all the work on this side. Even had to endure the sorting out of my parents divorce, because decades ago, they failed to file it here. They got divorced in US.
I know my SM was incredibly hurt, she had no knowledge of this and it only came out when my brother applied for citizenship. My mother was still filed as his wife, because she didn’t notify the authorities about their divorce. I tried to explain to her that she got divorced in IS and there was no need to get a double divorce, just file the papers. Because it took place many decades ago, they had to go through court. You couldn’t make it up. I have never heard of anything so absurd and I was in the middle of it.
Sorry for going off topic, but things just happen when people don’t sort out their paperwork and subsequently their lives.
Same variations just different topics happened to me in my often twisted marriage.

Hope that brings you some peace of mind. Understanding the other side helps. You are not the parent, but as a second wife, you have to deal with the upbringing of the SC.

I think of Esme and can’t grasp how bad it must have been for SS with his mother to be willing to move out and go no contact. What kind of a person is she? This could be very frustrating for SS and yet he is lucky to have a home where he is fully accepted and treated as a son.

In any case, I don’t think we have an easy job, unless you just don’t see the children and have nothing to do with them.
It a parent can do that, I am speechless, I think it’s horrible. But it happens.
 
Thank you for sharing your experiences—it really gives a lot of perspective on how these dynamics can feel from both sides. It sounds like you’ve put in so much effort over the years, even when it wasn’t always acknowledged, and that takes a lot of patience and strength.

I completely understand what you’re saying about gratitude in family relationships. When there’s a natural family unit, saying "thank you" all the time isn’t expected because there’s an unspoken sense of belonging. But in stepfamilies, things can be more complicated, and sometimes a lack of acknowledgment feels like exclusion rather than just familiarity.

It must have been incredibly difficult navigating your relationship with your father, especially now with his health declining. Even when we understand the reasons for emotional distance, it doesn’t make the impact any less painful. You did everything you could to maintain that connection, and that’s something to be proud of, even if it wasn’t always reciprocated in the way you deserved.

You also went above and beyond for ESS, helping him in ways that most people wouldn’t have. Even if gratitude wasn’t always expressed at the time, the fact that he eventually did recognize your efforts says a lot. It’s easy for people to take things for granted in the moment, but deep down, those acts of kindness and support do make a difference.

As for your brother and SM, it’s so frustrating when you give so much, yet it feels like it’s forgotten or overlooked. It’s natural to want some acknowledgment, not out of selfishness, but because it validates the effort and care you put in. I hope, at the very least, you find peace in knowing that you did the right thing, even if others don’t always see or appreciate it.

I really admire your perspective—understanding both the struggles of being a stepmum and the feelings of being a stepchild or in a blended family yourself. It’s a difficult role, and you’ve handled it with a lot of grace.

Sending you support, and I hope you’re able to find some peace in all of this. You’re doing an amazing job, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
 
Today is my father’s birthday as well as Valentine’s Day. An interesting coincidence. He is having breakfast with his family so couldn’t really talk to him and ended the conversation fast. By now I am used to it.
But we did get to say a few words.
I hope you are having a nice Valentine’s Day yourself.
 
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