Stepmum Depression

Esme

Esme

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Stepmum Depression is a real thing. It's not surprising, the things we have to deal with, the pressures and the emotional wrangle we can find ourselves in. Which is why we need support and a place to go - with other people who "get it". To raise our spirits and find coping strategies. Stepmum Depression is being recognised as an actual thing. The article below "gets it". A couple of good tips in there. Self care and date nights with your partner.

www.huffpost.com

Singing the Stepmother Blues

If the general culture truly cares about marriage and family values, it would do well to listen to the voices of stepmothers. Many stepmothers are filling a void without recognition or understanding.
www.huffpost.com www.huffpost.com
 
I was a happy and content individual when I met H and fell in love head over heels. Later I became frustrated, stressed, depressed and sick. Yes, I ended up on antidepressants.
To my H’s family I am persona non grata, but so is he nowadays, because I think with my own head, am not the mother of any children related to them and am in their way, when they try to have things their way in regard to H.
I feel like I pose a threat. I was treated badly and exw and in-laws wanted me out of their way. SSs acted accordingly.
The lawsuits are over, last one just ended, but a lot of paperwork needs to be done, still. Going no contact with in-laws is not really possible because of the inheritance they share.
Hopefully we will be able to ride it out better than before.
The article is spot on. The feeling of trying hard and being deemed useless was not something I expected or wanted in my life.
 
That is a lot to have dealt with - an ex, and difficult relatives as well. I also have a difficult relative in our lives. I was going to say I have disengaged, but I had no option as they ignore my existence!

I think "Stepmum Depression" can occur for all kinds of different reasons - often a complex mix of things you can't quite put your finger on - and be the kind of low level depression that means you don't even realise you have depression.

I think it comes from being made to feel slightly worthless for doing a job that is a very hard job. I found I had to keep a little bit of myself back, the entire time - to remember who I am and keep up confidence. And that isn't something you'd normally do in a relationship. Your partner is someone you should be able to share all thoughts and feelings with together. But sometimes if he is too overloaded with Ex hassles or court goings on, he doesn't have the capacity. And that's a hard thing in a relationship.

The first year of any relationship is supposed to be the hardest - with arguments etc, despite being in love. And with someone else causing trouble as well. I had to be straight with my OH about a few things, and thankfully he took it on board. The thing that got to me the most in the first year (and I think many second wives and partners get this) was the text messages. He was used to "jumping" when one came in.

I set boundaries. Leave the volume off overnight. No reading or replying to texts after 9pm at night or before 8.30am in the morning. (Yes we would get texts at midnight or 6.30am!). Sometimes these men are so caught up in the fact the ex has power over them seeing their child, that they jump to it and don't actually see it's a deliberate attempt to disrupt your relationship.

The first boundary was a small step to having a feeling of some control in my own life and relationship, but it needs your OH on board and discussions. If discussions become arguments then the Ex is achieving what she wants. So in the end I literally used to have "business meetings"!. I knew if I tried to talk to him about something to do with the ex, when I was upset or feeling emotional, it made things worse, and I would be accused of "being jealous" (ouch). So I got businesslike about it. I'd get the feelings out of my system privately (and this is what a site like this is for - to have a rant or outpour). Then when feeling calm I'd say to him - I'd like us to have a chat about a few things and agree a few things - but not right now - lets say Friday evening. This gave him time to get used to the idea that we were going to have to agree some things but meanwhile we could carry on having normal happy times. When it came to the day and time we had agreed I'd have a sit down at the table thing and I'd have things written down in bullet points - things I think we need to deal with, things that are and issue and solutions, and what I'd like to change. I'd say to him I'd like him to read it but not respond immediately and think about it for a few days and come back to me.

I had to do that, because that gives their brain chance to be logical! Otherwise he would read it and immediately come out with ifs and buts and react with panic (in the background scared of what EFH might do).

So in addition to all the disruption and emotion in our lives, is the energy we have to put into keeping our relationships on track and with boundaries. It took quite a few small steps.

Things didn't really improve in my life until we had a court order. OH never wanted to go to court - which is understandable, so we had a chaotic first few years with arrangements chopping and changing, never being able to plan anything (and indirectly this affected my own family too to a degree and that made me feel angry with EFH - my family were understanding, but hurt), and "contact" being stopped at the drop of a hat if OH said no to anything or did something she didn't like. And it was really stressful for SS as well, bounced around like a yoyo and never knowing when he was coming or going. With an EFH it is never about what's best for the chlld, it's about what suits her.

It was only when she went nuclear and made allegations about me to social services and "stopped contact" permanently that he went to court. Amazingly we had a court order very quickly due to a quirk (we were in a situation where an urgent order was possible). Judge saw straight through EFH and we got the order. She was "told off". OH said he wished he'd done it years ago. His confidence increased after someone more important than Efh told her what to do.

So our lives got better in some ways (and SS was happier with the stability) and worse in others. EFH became incredibly hostile at DP having gone to court. That's when the abusive emails started. And of course we had to return to court a year later for a better order as she soon managed to find loopholes in wording and manipulate them. The main reason for having to go back though, was she decided to start alienating SS. And that was a horrific time. It really is child abuse. She was alienating him against both of us. And that is something that isn't talked about much. Parental Alienation is against the parent, but there is very little mention of step-parent alienation - which is maybe considered "less important" as the child's parents are considered the most important thing in their lives. But to bust up a bond and relationship with a child is extremely painful and distressing (and hard to cope with a hostile child as well). Time helps. If an order is being followed and the child is with you for longer periods, the alienation can wear off after a few days, away from the EFH, and the child can be normal again and family life be a bit more normal.

Although for some, if the children are older and haven't known you as long it's very tough to try and have empathy when you're basically being abused. I think it can help to remember that this is not the real child - they are a conduit for EFH - it's like they're possessed.

Once we had a better order the alienation stopped, she had come close to losing "residency". In fact it stopped in the run up to the final hearign as she was trying to make a case for there being no need for an order. She went quiet, less abusive emails, but lots of plotting in the background. These ex's plan years ahead! And our OH's tend to not see the machievellianism IMO.

In the early years I tried to be understanding about EFH's feelings and be tolerant. As time went on I realised - you got no favours for beind understanding, and just further abuse, and you need them pinned down and following a court order and completely have them out of your head and focus on your own life and family. They are quite good at trying to stay in your head (intimidation) which is why other ladies talk about "detaching" - getting in the habit of mentally putting them out of mind. It takes practice, but it works. I was happier once I could do that.

So much of it is just plain bullying. Anyway, mental control of the child can wear off after a few days with you, so the time is important. But then once they're old enough to have a phone ....................That is a whole other topic.
 
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My H was an emotional cheater. He felt guilty about divorce, because he was probably not the best husband to EFH. But that is just guessing, she is an exceptionally vile woman, so I didn’t take it against him. He was away a lot on business in the last year or so and EFH did everything in her power to destroy him. She is an emotional manipulator and has even sunk to a level of flirting, posing on the balcony fence, crying in front of him. He was just looking down and probably feeling guilty for moving on.

They were divorced 6 yrs. before we met and I didn’t have second thoughts about him still dealing with guilt. He was being guilted by her, SC were turned against me, money was high on her list and control, that was the biggest issue. She would not stay out of our lives.

About 6 yrs into our marriage after all the lawsuits were finished I snapped and wrote her an email after she invited H to sleep at her place when he went to visit his younger son. She also moved abroad a few month after we got married. I wrote her an email in which I was very clear about what I think of her, her lies, her prostituting herself to my H and told her SSs are a part of my family too and leave us alone and get a life.

It felt great, I am glad I spoke up. I got my voice back. Staying silent and just swallowing it was too much for me. I didn’t care what happened next. SSs didn’t speak to me for about 3 yrs., I accepted they need a relationship with their father and left them alone, but even that was very scarce.
Since then, I have had no contact with her, I had to, did threaten I would tell the Swiss authorities what she is trying to do alienating the children, not allowing access etc. and mostly about the fraudulent lawsuits she was involved in here. Swiss like order, not the problematic immigrant, I found out where she worked and called her, she hung up, but knew I know. She also had her own relationship issues and was taking everything out on us. It was pure torture and I had to make a stand. I was not her punching bag. It was either that or I had to get off the marriage out and still tell her what I think. I also told her that if she ever hurt my family again, I would hit back with everything I got including all the proof of her lies. H was not enthusiastic, he had to grow a backbone, but was hard one me instead of those that really deserved it. It was difficult.
SSs now speak to me, we are in touch and see each other with the elder stepson who lives relatively close to us. The younger SS is more at a distance, but calls his father.

So in the long run it was well worth it.

I don’t recommend it to all, it was just something I had to do to get a voice.
H and I had a lot of issues and I am still working out how that didn’t break us up.
We also had good times, I still love him very much and enjoy the time we spend together- without stress, worry and tension (meaning not always).
I do feel our marriage became a bit hard core, we were both locked in our worlds, not being able to step out and enjoy ourselves. There was always something.

But all things end, even the suffering. We are in a better place now. Having hope and staying optimistic really counts. It is also important to understand what is going on and accept our situation to a point. I dreamt of a Brady bunch and good relationships with EFH. I had a reality check in the very first year of our marriage. She went ballistic.

I have a pretty decent relationship with my exh and his now ex wife. And our children are real brothers and sisters. I thought that was the norm in the 21st century. I was wrong.
 
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I think I would have reacted strongly if EFH asked my OH to stay over as well! Just not appropriate. Did he say he was going to decline anyway?

I have written many many things I would have liked to have sent/said to EFH. But I didn't. Circumstances vary and I was trying to keep out of things as much as possible and keep the peace for SS most of the time. So that was my strategy - be quietly in the background, but deal with things from EFH as a couple. I have no idea how I would have reacted if she had asked OH to stay over! Probably dealt with OH personally so he delivered the message. But yes I can understand wanting to see her off! Boundaries. It helps to write it out what you'd really like to send to her though (hence the section "Let of steam - have a rant").

The cheek though, asking him to stay over with her and the children.
 
You get it, but that was a drop over the glass. She wanted exclusive access to him, to exclude me completely, she flirted with him, accused me in court of damaging their good relationship, but interestingly before we became serious, she wanted to destroy H and couldn’t care less about him. I had to speak up although I was advised against it. I couldn’t.
H said no and later asked me to confirm his decision. He was one confused guy and it stung, hurt, it was a total put down.
After he said no, his son asked her why she doesn’t speak to his father and she said it is not the right time for her yet.
So, yes, she got my answer, don’t call, don’t talk, stay away from my family. The right time for you was a long time gone by.
 
And the worst thing was she made a lot of her indecent proposals through her sons and in front of them. They had to call H and watch her stretching exercise on the balcony.
 
Actually the worst thing she did was file a lawsuit against my daughter. She was helping H protect his property by taking ownership of it with obligations and all backups, so he would eventually get it back. Basically she trusted our lawyer, me and H when we explained and showed her there was no claim, financial guarantee on the property. It was clean. EFH sued anyway and H settled, I insisted on it. It was all gifted to his sons who never said thank you, who never acknowledged what they got. In their world at that time, their father was a man who was worthless.

The whole lawsuit as others were bogus. She wanted money and wanted to break us up.

Anyone can understand it was too much for me.

Her lawyer divorced my sister. I was with my sister when they met. He apologized and acknowledged we presented enough proof to him, he was the one that proposed mediation, by then it was clear his client EFH was a liar and we had the proof.

My child then told me she thought she could trust me, but cannot after what happened and never will.

We have gone beyond that, but I lost the trust of my daughter, both of them actually.
So, yes I ended on antidepressants and sick with guilt for helping my H. I barely remember those times and it is better this way.
 
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Some of these situations we find ourselves in are totally toxic and not of our own making and lead to having torn loyalties. And unable to protect everyone. I felt similar when EFH’s ongoing antics were causing stress to us and SS and I wanted more time with my elderly parents.

Depression is a natural reaction to being in a powerless situation sometimes and feeling overloaded with :poop:.

If they are general situations we can detach and make time to focus on ourselves to keep grounded. And do little things for ourselves that make us happy. It’s finding the time to have half a day to try a new hairstyle or whatever, or read a book - when there is domestic chaos. But it’s important we find that time.

It’s easy to put ourselves last but we can remind each other on here to take time out :)

Emotional infidelity would make anyone feel depressed although it sounds like it was EFH making all the moves.

I think that article hits the nail on the head over why Stepmums (and second wives) get low level depression. But there are big serous things that can make us ill as well. Other people can make us ill. That is something I struggled with for a while. Normally you would keep a distance from people who are bad for you. But because your partner is the Father of the children and has to deal with the ex, you can become in the line of fire.

I think it’s hard for our OH’s as well in that situation. They want to protect you - and their kids - and can feel powerless to do so. I found taking action helped us (going to court). But EFH will always be the same personality and doing deliberately nasty things like preventing time on Fathers Day.

It’s actually a known thing that if you sit and feel powerless, it leads to depression and feelings turn inwards. But if you take action and feel you’re actively finding a solution, you feel more empowered.

Your situation with court was much more personal though. It’s a shame your daughter lost trust in you because it was not your fault that the EFH made allegations against your daughter. That is totally cruel. For her to involve your own children.

So Stepmum depression could be just feeling generally miserable with your lot and if you can’t improve it, it may be time to think about getting out. That in itself can be a trap when you’re married and love your OH.

It’s feeling trapped that can lead people to having anxiety and depression. There are ways to help with that though. But we get so caught up in it that we don’t get chance to think sometimes.

For anyone eise reading this - if things are really very serious and you're struggling to cope each day, counselling can give you an escape from the chaos - it won’t fix everything but it can make you feel better having someone to talk to once a week and take small steps to feeling in control. Plus we are on here to listen too :)
 
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