Some of these situations we find ourselves in are totally toxic and not of our own making and lead to having torn loyalties. And unable to protect everyone. I felt similar when EFH’s ongoing antics were causing stress to us and SS and I wanted more time with my elderly parents.
Depression is a natural reaction to being in a powerless situation sometimes and feeling overloaded with
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If they are general situations we can detach and make time to focus on ourselves to keep grounded. And do little things for ourselves that make us happy. It’s finding the time to have half a day to try a new hairstyle or whatever, or read a book - when there is domestic chaos. But it’s important we find that time.
It’s easy to put ourselves last but we can remind each other on here to take time out
Emotional infidelity would make anyone feel depressed although it sounds like it was EFH making all the moves.
I think that article hits the nail on the head over why Stepmums (and second wives) get low level depression. But there are big serous things that can make us ill as well. Other people can make us ill. That is something I struggled with for a while. Normally you would keep a distance from people who are bad for you. But because your partner is the Father of the children and has to deal with the ex, you can become in the line of fire.
I think it’s hard for our OH’s as well in that situation. They want to protect you - and their kids - and can feel powerless to do so. I found taking action helped us (going to court). But EFH will always be the same personality and doing deliberately nasty things like preventing time on Fathers Day.
It’s actually a known thing that if you sit and feel powerless, it leads to depression and feelings turn inwards. But if you take action and feel you’re actively finding a solution, you feel more empowered.
Your situation with court was much more personal though. It’s a shame your daughter lost trust in you because it was not your fault that the EFH made allegations against your daughter. That is totally cruel. For her to involve your own children.
So Stepmum depression could be just feeling generally miserable with your lot and if you can’t improve it, it may be time to think about getting out. That in itself can be a trap when you’re married and love your OH.
It’s feeling trapped that can lead people to having anxiety and depression. There are ways to help with that though. But we get so caught up in it that we don’t get chance to think sometimes.
For anyone eise reading this - if things are really very serious and you're struggling to cope each day, counselling can give you an escape from the chaos - it won’t fix everything but it can make you feel better having someone to talk to once a week and take small steps to feeling in control. Plus we are on here to listen too