Spot the EFH

I guess we define family a little differently. My parents divorced and it was a bad divorce. My mother at first didn’t let my father see us, she alienated both myself and my sister from him and his new family. I love my father, but he is not exactly father of the year, has always been focused on himself and his career. Everyone came in second or third…
I felt alienated for years from my step family, until finally we had some regular connection going. I get on with my stepmother and am glad she is in my life.
When I got divorced, one thing I did not want is for my girls to be left alone without a family, should anything happen to me.
It was difficult for me at first, meeting my then husband’s girlfriend. We have lived separately for a year and a half, he was working on a project abroad and he met her there.
Somehow I didn’t stand up for my marriage, I guess by than I knew deep down that it was over. It doesn’t mean I didn’t have love for him or missed him, I just didn’t really see it working out, I was not sure I would or could forgive him and I was also seeing someone on the side for a while. I was 30 when exh went abroad and divorced by 33.
We are on good terms and my daughters don’t hate their father for leaving, instead they have his family, two brothers and get along with their stepmom, and so do I. We don’t make a big deal out of it, it is just normal life.

Would no communication and bad relationships really make it better? I personally think that no one can replace parents, but they can befriend the children and be a good role model for them, meaning they have a say too and can make certain decisions, especially if they/we have to take care of them or have them live with us.
In my case I can definitely say the mother didn’t do the job, she lives abroad and we were here to raise H’s older son. It wasn’t easy and anything we talked about school, many other things too, EFH made sure she was the boss and decided studying law was the right thing to do for her elder son who was living with us at the time. She supported him in leaving high school and just taking the finals, which he eventually did after 2 yrs. He is artistically gifted and being a lawyer was something that he couldn’t do. He later went in photography and is happy with it. She never communicated with H, was and is still hostile towards us, me especially. All she has from me is intense dislike.

We still make it work, the whole family met yesterday for dinner and celebrated 4 birthdays. The YSS came over from Switzerland and so did EFH, which was a nice gesture, considering her elder son just turned 30.
She had her own celebration on his birthday, we did it a day later.

We are trying to be in touch and on friendly terms with both, so they both know they have a supportive family here with us.
It would be so much easier if there was no tension and undermining. I never talk badly about their mother despite of what she put me through.

Hearing from others how difficult it is with in-laws and children and EFH, I guess despite everything EFH and sometimes SSs have put me/us through, I can still consider myself lucky, because we can make it work and we do in our own way, even under these circumstances.

Also having support and help raising children is essential. We all need some time off and know that everything will be all right. Simply put, we are useful, but don’t get the credit.
I don’t know what those women are really thinking and our men usually just pretend it is ok and don’t really want to deal with it.
 
It was the attitude of this Mum that got me

She wrote: “Stepmums have zero say in how to raise your child and no communication needs to be had.”


She added: “Also 'bonus mum' isn’t a thing.”
Click to expand...

It's the kind of thing that can cause so much stress to a Stepmum. Circumstances vary but my SS was very young when I got involved. We had all the hard parenting to do - toilet training etc. So if you're a couple and having to deal with that, of course you need to be involved - it's a 24/7 job when they're little. Legally Step parents can't deal with medical things - fair enough. But if you're cooking cleaning, organising activities etc and Dad is working sometimes - you need some say. If a child is there half the time, what does a Mum like that one expect? That Dad only raises the child and Stepmum does what? Ignore them both? OH and I were both in at the deep end - neither of us had had kids before (and neither had EFH!) and we had to share the load. He'd get up in the night for toiletting. I'd get up early in the morning, so he could have a lie in - when a little one wakes at 4 or 5am every day and wants to play.

So you can't help but be involved and it's hard graft. And decisions need to be made along the way. And conversations need to be had along the way. Very young kids start copying what you're saying. That was an issue with us. EFH didn't like him coming out with phrases he had clearly got from me (positive ones I might add).

Sometimes a bond forms quite quickly when they're young. I think they can love quite a few people. The bond and sense of self is different with a parent than a step parent but some stepkids can still love you. And vice versa - you can love them but not in the same way Dad does. Ultimately you know you're not responsible. But you still feel responsible when they're there and Dad has nipped out - because that's just basic human instinct - to be responsible and care for a vulnerable small child.

I found myself well outside my comfort zone. A very young child doesn't differentiate between the adults - they are all there to give attention and play with. I found myself having to do urgent crafts for school the next day - which freaked me out. Then I felt amazed we had achieved it!

I found myself having to make a kiddy birthday cake and hadn't a clue where to start (I got quite good at it).

So while technically I can see the point that a Stepmum shouldn't have any say in "raising" a child - in terms of choosing schools and other major parenting decisions. Raising a child is about giving the security and teaching them good things. And that is ongoing.

"No communication needs to be had" - well it does between the two parents, but I agree Mum and Stepmum don't need to have communication and better the parents do that. But it's unrealistic to think Dad's partner or wife who is living with Dad and child half the time, is not going to have any say in anything at their end. What that Mum wants is a Dad to put her "first" and his partner or wife "second" and show her no respect.

It's competitive.
 
There are many different shades of dealing with raising stepchildren. And it is no easy task if they live with you permanently, after moving out they depend on your support for shopping, expenses, helping them keep up the place, set them up at their place etc.
I did all this. I bought cleaning agents, cans, dishes, helped him stock up In essentials, the mother wouldn’t even know, call, come and help, send some financial help or a box of goodies.
I did all the shopping with him or for him for years, he was 19 when he moved into H’s apartment. I don’t know if she ever even thought of all those small, but important things.

I was more involved than she ever was, given that she emigrated 15 yrs ago and only comes here maybe twice a year. At least she took both of her sons for vacation once a year, but that only started about 5-7 yrs ago.

I have been made so irrelevant that I didn’t see the full picture and the extent of support and inclusivity I offered to especially H’s older son, yet EFH made sure he kept his distance from me. Sometimes he felt guilty for having fun with us, me.
 
Its plain and simple jealousy and the narrative of a closed minded person who has no consideration for anyone except themselves.
I read the line in the article, " if they are living in my house then I get a say" this is spot on. I dont mean about the important decisions like choosing a school or which educational options to choose type things. I mean the issues that totally involve the step parent. Times, dates, plans, holidays etc....
Becoming a step parent is a serious life changing issue, in my case I can say it was definitely traumatic and that was down to the awful attitude of the EFH.
People like that most certainly do not have the childs best interests in the forefront of their mind when they have such a bad attitude towards others involved in the care of their children.
 
Exactly - she sounds like the type who would try to micromanage the child in Dads home via phone/text. And give them instructions what to do and not do in Dads home. No respect for boundaries.
 
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