Some of you may remember me ...

L

Linpet

New member
Some of you may remember me from elsewhere. I have known my husband now for 23 years, 21 married. His ex is toxic and narcissistic and has very successfully alienated the oldest son and his wife against him, so we never get to see our two grandsons. :(The youngest is closer to him, and we do get a little contact with his two sons but not much. Will try and tell more of my story in other posts but it is good to have a platform again.
 
Hello and welcome :-) Lovely to see you. I do remember your situation and very sorry to hear you never get to see your grandsons. We're just getting to the point of SS getting older and wondering where things will go once he's more independent.
 
You will probably recognise a few people :) Maya, Cat Lady, Lost in Canada - myself. And there are also some new members. Linpet once gave me some great help regarding foot specialists, Unfortunately since then, various other things have started packing up! I think a few years of chasing up and down the country helping out with ageing parents when they had a medical issue, wore me out a bit.
 
Hi Linpet,

Nice to have another friend in these chats. I remember your case pretty well and I know it has been an issue for years.
Sometimes the EFH can’t settle down and stop. They literally hate, period and poison those around them.
Some are sensible enough to see it, some don’t.

I know this has been a painful issue for years. We all went into this thinking we would be one big family. They try and make us feel irrelevant, pathological competition where anything goes. At least in my case I have at this point absolutely no contact and SSs have grown up some.

I think it is important that we know we matter and we are important. We have to value who we are, even when some are too thick to see it.

Hope you are well and welcome.
 
What has happened is that ESS married a "mini EFH" and the EFH has drip fed poison to them about DH and myself for over 20 years. They believe her lies and so we are hated, treated with contempt, and never allowed to see the grandchildren who we love and miss. Unfortunately, even though ESS was 20 years old when I met him, and we had no problems to start with, even older stepchildren can become alienated and vile towards you, and it is nothing to do with you. I always cross my fingers when others say they hope that their difficult relationships with stepchildren will improve once they become adults. It depends, and if it is a boy, then a lot rides on whether they end up falling in love with a woman just like their mother! :cry:
 
Linpet, this must be so difficult for you. Yes I think its very scary when a boy / son/ stepson has children. I think its so much easier for maternal grandparents to make that bond and be accepted into the grand childs life, I firmly believe any grandparents on the paternal side will struggle in many cases.
My son is the only child who could potentially ever give me a grandchild and I know that that relationship would massively depend upon me having a good relationship with his partner/ mother of his child.
If it were a daughter having my grandchild I would not be so worried. But add step parents into the mix and we may aswell not bother in our case.
My husband has 2 children and there is no way we could ever be a part of any grand childs life. We can barely be a part of theirs.
Its so terribly sad that some people hate so much that they allow even babies to become a part of the crap.
I have a friend who tells me her daughter in law does not allow her to kiss her grandchild and she was not allowed to visit her and the baby in hospital because as a new mother, those were her rules! She said she had to kiss the baby when her daughter in law wasnt looking!
These awful things go on unfortunately, you are not alone. But oh how I wish everything was better for all of us. X
 
Linpet said:
What has happened is that ESS married a "mini EFH" and the EFH has drip fed poison to them about DH and myself for over 20 years. They believe her lies and so we are hated, treated with contempt, and never allowed to see the grandchildren who we love and miss. Unfortunately, even though ESS was 20 years old when I met him, and we had no problems to start with, even older stepchildren can become alienated and vile towards you, and it is nothing to do with you. I always cross my fingers when others say they hope that their difficult relationships with stepchildren will improve once they become adults. It depends, and if it is a boy, then a lot rides on whether they end up falling in love with a woman just like their mother! :cry:
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It is awful. And this is something I worry about now SS is dating. (Although still very young!). We haven't met his GF and I worry and hope she is not an EFH. They can be vulnerable to being manipulated.

Thank goodness your YSS isn't like this though. Why do you think he managed better?
 
ESS was living away from home at Uni, but YSS was 16 and still living part time with his father when I met my DH, so he got to know me better and could see through some of his mother's lies. Also, YSS has been through some troubled times and DH and I were there for him to support and guide him, his mother on the other hand turned her back on him. Says it all. I have to say, and it is a terrible admission to make, but his behaviour towards DH and I improved remarkably once his mother had decided she no longer wanted to have anything to do with him!
 
It's sad isn't it, but glad he got that support from you two and could see through things. If ESS never really got to know you he sounds to have been brainwashed with lies. It's good one of DH's sons is on good terms with you both at least. Although I can imagine DH must still miss his elder son.
 
Some people are beyond reasoning. I have tried to understand EFH type of women, but it only broke me down. Maybe ESS takes after his mother and enjoys her full support, also because he supports her in the attitude towards DH.

As you may know I come from a divorced family with similar dynamics. I am not the favorite, I do not support my mother in her constant criticism of my father even now after over 4 decades. My sister on the other hand has a terrible attitude towards my father and SM. There is no reasoning with her, she made up her mind and has become very ignorant towards my father in the past few years after her divorce. He supported her, even financially and so did I, but that doesn’t matter any more. She has a different partner who supports her attitude towards her own family, he doesn’t like my mother, but my mother is the only one she keeps in touch with.

What is really shocking to me is the fact that I have lived in this dynamic all my life, I have experienced alienation from my father, terrible attitude, but at one in my late 20s, I changed.

My whole world changed for the better in that sense, but I just couldn’t do anything quite right as far as my mother goes, I didn’t understand.

When I encountered EFH and her behaviors I was completely shocked, couldn’t believe we couldn’t coparent or have any reasonable discussion about anything. It was just hate. It went way beyond what my mother ever did, but the sick dynamic was there and I didn’t recognize it. I thought all would be well and we would move forward in the best way possible.
And than I woke up…

I don’t really get my sister, all I know is that she seems to be angry at everyone and anyone who says anything that doesn’t suit her, but we all have to understand her phase of not communicating with us. It is what it is and ah, family, according to her we only hurt her. My mother is an exception.

My father fell and injured his shoulder and has an operation scheduled this Friday. I texted her, no response. Maybe she is too far gone to even respond to that.
I invited her for Christmas about 2 weeks ago and got no response.

Unbelievable, I just got her response as I am writing with I hope all goes well and a happy Christmas and we are not coming, thank you.

At least she responded to the surgery and added in Christmas cancellation. I already knew the answer 2 weeks ago. That’s it from her.
My SM doesn’t dare to call or text, she doesn’t even want to any more, she is as disgusted as you are with her hate and behavior. SM also believes she doesn’t care about what happens.

You are not the only one and there is not much you can do, so focus on yourself and the people that want to be around you.

My sister has 3 DDs and none of them saw their grandfather. One was out of the country and we actually spoke to her, the other two had their own plans.
My sister did her own poisoning of my nieces.

Can you imagine how it feels to come to Europe from US at almost 87, just to see us. We don’t have forever, so we have to make the most of the years we can still spend together.
It wasn’t an easy trip for him and SM.

one day my sister may be sorry. One day we will only have each other, what will she do than? Will she have any regrets?
 
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