Once the stepkids have their own phones, a disruptive ex or EFH can use the phones to cause havoc. Micromanage from a distance, manipulate the children from a distance, track wherever you go! Strategies are needed. The book "Co parenting with a toxic ex" by Amy J Baker and Paul Fine - PA specialists - has some good suggestions for house rules regarding smartphones.
It's an area that is easily manipulated as the phone contract is usually in the "resident" parent's name and they therefore technically own it. They can abuse this by setting a passcode only known to them and the child and tell the child you are not allowed access. While there are privacy considerations, when a child is with your partner and in his care, he is also responsibile for them and what they do online and should be able to access the phone if he has concerns.
So if an ex is refusing to allow access to a passcode, be suspicious. It's likely they are sending highly derogative or manipulative messages - which you will probably guess is happening if the kids behaviour is affected.
It can be extremely damaging, and the children have a right to a relaxed, normal relationship with you, without interference. The Ex should communicate any requests to your partner, not via the children. But an EFH can often misuse the fact children have their own phones.
One way round this is to think what do they actually use their phones for? Mostly it's games, apps, youtube etc - not actually as a phone to contact friends (at least for under 11's or 12's). And these can be done on other devices - a games console in your home, and ipad without facetime installed etc.
So one house rule could be - phones are left in the hall on arrival and can be checked for messages at certain times of day. What this achieves is - leaving the ex in another room
Out of mind. It's worth buying and providing your own gadgets for games and youtube etc, in your own home. It becomes a habit then. You are not stopping the contact, but you are limiting it and setting boundaries.
When going out places, phones to be left in the car (out of sight). Unless you're going somewhere crowded and worried about losing the kids! Then you retain some degree of privacy - you may be tracked to your destination but the ex doesn't know the specifics of where you go after that. They just get the destination of the car park.
Another house rule. No gadgets in the bedroom - which includes phones. So computers/games consoles/ipads and phones, are all in main family living areas and not bedrooms. This is up to you of course and maybe space dependent but mainly it's - no phones in bedrooms. They are left downstairs overnight. It's surprising how many ex's infiltrate your family time late at night or first thing in the morning, to get in the child's head, give instructions or cause disruption.
Just to add we are talking about disruptive ex's here. If a BM is ok then of course having phone contact with their child now and then is not an issue - because they wouldn't abuse it and would also be reasonable about Dad having phone contact as well.
This needs to change once they are 11 or 12 though, as that age group live for their phones, chat with their friends and like to have it on them all the time. But it'a a good idea to keep up the "no phones in the bedroom" for as long as possible. Apart from the disruptive ex factor, there is also the issue that kids that age could be on their phones until the early hours and get issues from too much screen time and not enough sleep. Especially on school nights.
By then they are a bit more emotionally developed and able to compartmentalise more or decide to ignore the odd message or talk to you. Younger children are much more easily stressed or manipulated by phone messages.
If it's phone calls, it's fairly simple to have a house rule not to answer unless it's an agreed phone call, and explain to the kids that Mum can contact Dad if she needs to. If it's texts it can be a bit more secretive. Hence setting the house rules and having other gadgets to use at home as well.
Even with the best court order, phone contact with kids can be highly disruptive, unless boundaries are in place. People can end up in court over phone issues. Eg if the ex refuses to give the unlock code and Dad then refuses to let the child have the phone unless he has the unlock code. It can become a war.
First thing to try is being polite. Send an email politely requesting that the ex provides the unlock code as your partner is responsible for them in his care and may need to access the phone if he thinks there is an issue. And remind the ex about online bullying etc. If she still refuses. Then send another email repeating the request and reasons (assertiveness is repeating the request). And saying he cannot agree to the children having unsupervised access to their phones and the internet, and if the ex does not wish to disclose the unlock code, he will provide them with alternative phones to use when at his home. (This is an option - it costs but it can save a lot of heartache and stress). Then she can't argue when he does that.
If you have any other tips on managing and avoiding disruption via kids phones, or are struggling with this issue, feel free to add to this thread.
It's an area that is easily manipulated as the phone contract is usually in the "resident" parent's name and they therefore technically own it. They can abuse this by setting a passcode only known to them and the child and tell the child you are not allowed access. While there are privacy considerations, when a child is with your partner and in his care, he is also responsibile for them and what they do online and should be able to access the phone if he has concerns.
So if an ex is refusing to allow access to a passcode, be suspicious. It's likely they are sending highly derogative or manipulative messages - which you will probably guess is happening if the kids behaviour is affected.
It can be extremely damaging, and the children have a right to a relaxed, normal relationship with you, without interference. The Ex should communicate any requests to your partner, not via the children. But an EFH can often misuse the fact children have their own phones.
One way round this is to think what do they actually use their phones for? Mostly it's games, apps, youtube etc - not actually as a phone to contact friends (at least for under 11's or 12's). And these can be done on other devices - a games console in your home, and ipad without facetime installed etc.
So one house rule could be - phones are left in the hall on arrival and can be checked for messages at certain times of day. What this achieves is - leaving the ex in another room
Out of mind. It's worth buying and providing your own gadgets for games and youtube etc, in your own home. It becomes a habit then. You are not stopping the contact, but you are limiting it and setting boundaries.When going out places, phones to be left in the car (out of sight). Unless you're going somewhere crowded and worried about losing the kids! Then you retain some degree of privacy - you may be tracked to your destination but the ex doesn't know the specifics of where you go after that. They just get the destination of the car park.
Another house rule. No gadgets in the bedroom - which includes phones. So computers/games consoles/ipads and phones, are all in main family living areas and not bedrooms. This is up to you of course and maybe space dependent but mainly it's - no phones in bedrooms. They are left downstairs overnight. It's surprising how many ex's infiltrate your family time late at night or first thing in the morning, to get in the child's head, give instructions or cause disruption.
Just to add we are talking about disruptive ex's here. If a BM is ok then of course having phone contact with their child now and then is not an issue - because they wouldn't abuse it and would also be reasonable about Dad having phone contact as well.
This needs to change once they are 11 or 12 though, as that age group live for their phones, chat with their friends and like to have it on them all the time. But it'a a good idea to keep up the "no phones in the bedroom" for as long as possible. Apart from the disruptive ex factor, there is also the issue that kids that age could be on their phones until the early hours and get issues from too much screen time and not enough sleep. Especially on school nights.
By then they are a bit more emotionally developed and able to compartmentalise more or decide to ignore the odd message or talk to you. Younger children are much more easily stressed or manipulated by phone messages.
If it's phone calls, it's fairly simple to have a house rule not to answer unless it's an agreed phone call, and explain to the kids that Mum can contact Dad if she needs to. If it's texts it can be a bit more secretive. Hence setting the house rules and having other gadgets to use at home as well.
Even with the best court order, phone contact with kids can be highly disruptive, unless boundaries are in place. People can end up in court over phone issues. Eg if the ex refuses to give the unlock code and Dad then refuses to let the child have the phone unless he has the unlock code. It can become a war.
First thing to try is being polite. Send an email politely requesting that the ex provides the unlock code as your partner is responsible for them in his care and may need to access the phone if he thinks there is an issue. And remind the ex about online bullying etc. If she still refuses. Then send another email repeating the request and reasons (assertiveness is repeating the request). And saying he cannot agree to the children having unsupervised access to their phones and the internet, and if the ex does not wish to disclose the unlock code, he will provide them with alternative phones to use when at his home. (This is an option - it costs but it can save a lot of heartache and stress). Then she can't argue when he does that.
If you have any other tips on managing and avoiding disruption via kids phones, or are struggling with this issue, feel free to add to this thread.