OH gets all the credit

Esme

Esme

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Just a whinge. I have ideas, organise things and usually pay for half of things for SS (out of necessity). Somehow OH gets all the credit for my hard work from SS. And he laps it up and doesn’t say to me - that was a good idea of yours, it has really helped SS. Grrr. I don’t want to sound petty or make SS feel awkward by saying - actually that was my idea and I organised it all for you. So really it’s OH who should be telling SS that. I can only assume I’m seen as some kind of lackey whose prime role is cooking.
 
Thats not very respectful of your OH but I'm sure he does realise you make a big and thoughtful positive difference to his SS. If its small consolation my partner does the same thing, mostly through ignorance (and exhaustion from games from his ex/daughter). This might be how your OH feels too? Just exhausted with juggling what he has to remember to keep things peaceful? My partner often just forgets as he just doesn't think like me. But I make sure he reminds his daughter/my SS if i've done something extra special or thoughtful (sometimes he resents it as he just doesn't see the need). But it irritates me no end when I've done something really lovely for his kids and he doesn't make sure they acknowledge it. I'm always thanking him when he does lovely things for me/us (and usually the kids pipe up when I do that too and it makes him feel really good. He's just never been able to put himself in my shoes. Ever!! Its a big block he has and he obviously doesn't get that step-mum is last on the list of SS's.

And if needed to make sure his ex knows it was me that organised something special or nice or thoughtful. I don't do it everytime but around B'days at first I wanted them to at least recognise they were being spoiled by me. I wanted his ex to know I was treaing her daughter thoughtfully and kindly. I bought my SS some track shoes for her meets for her b'day (expensive and cool and with her input). I used to run a lot of track when I was younger and represented my state so have always loved it and have some expertise. Her mum, when she found out I bought them, sent me a message saying 'we don't buy shoes for b'day presents'. No thank you or that was thoughtful etc. And of course the past few b'days/xmas's guess what she has bought her daughter. Bloody SHOES!!! But my partner stepped out of it and didn't say anything to the ex which just irritated me no end. But I digressed. I think there is no harm in reminding your OH that it would be good for relations with your SS to get some credit or recognition sometimes for things you have put a lot of thought and effort into. :)
 
You have given me food for thought there. I was the opposite when EFH was involved. I almost hid anything and OH dealt with everything re communication (any inkling of my presence or input used to create a nuclear explosion). So it perhaps set a precedent. We did do things as a united front with SS for years but when he got older he was more into Dad (and also quite alienated from me for a while) and OH kind of got to like being "the important one" I think. Things are generally fine but OH does now seem to have the attitude that he is the parent. And SS does go to him first. I think on this particular occasion SS assumed OH had decided something was a good idea, even though I organised it. To be fair we were both agreed on it - but OH wouldn't have thought of it himself.
 
Esme said:
You have given me food for thought there. I was the opposite when EFH was involved. I almost hid anything and OH dealt with everything re communication (any inkling of my presence or input used to create a nuclear explosion). So it perhaps set a precedent. We did do things as a united front with SS for years but when he got older he was more into Dad (and also quite alienated from me for a while) and OH kind of got to like being "the important one" I think. Things are generally fine but OH does now seem to have the attitude that he is the parent. And SS does go to him first. I think on this particular occasion SS assumed OH had decided something was a good idea, even though I organised it. To be fair we were both agreed on it - but OH wouldn't have thought of it himself.
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What does EFH stand for? Ex I assume? I am used to the nuclear explosions too but I made my ex step up (in part thanks to some of the answers and conversations on this site) but it took him 5 years for that to happen. He stopped getting so scared of this second ex and started standing up for himself (and by default me). She hated it at first but he just ignored the rants and continued with ccing me in on all their comms - and now she still plays games but its been a huge shock to her power base and lo and behold her comms have gone from around 5 to 15 a day to 5- 15 a week. I think the OH's have so much guilt re the children (and the manipulative ex's play on that) that they want to be the go-to parent. My partner gets offended at times if his SD comes to me with things she doesn't tell him. But so much of that is his guilt around finally leaving a relationship he had been miserable in for a very very long time.
 
Not usually! But I know he's heard it and then he makes more effort. Everyone is sick here except me at the moment - nasty coughs and nasty virus. Hope I don't get it! I already had flu in January.
 
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