Money!

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
Ive not been feeling good last few days. Took some time off work. I feel guilty because my children are my responsibility and I need to provide for them. This is another load that is not shared in a blended / step family. No matter how good the intentions my children are ultimately my responsibility.
Dont get me wrong, I enjoy going to work but we all get our off days.
It got me thinking about things that have been mentioned in the past and further typical 2nd wives issues.
Hs mother doesnt work and hasnt for as far as i can see, the last 10 years...i believe she is mid 60s. Hs SIL doesnt work. Shes younger than me. Hs sister, part time. EFH part time.
The last time MIL spoke to us she asked if I was working. I replied yes. ....full time? She asked.
What business is that of hers. Sorry if you are not familiar with my history but this is a massive trigger for me. None of the ILs work full time but its expected of me because of course Im the money grabbing 2nd wife.
When sd sent her long abusive messages to me it was all about money. You want Hs money.
Well I can confidently say H has no money. Theres nothing to grab except what we earn and use for our daily living expenses and holidays.
Before relationships broke down I was in SILs house with MIL. MIL cosies up to SIL and some banter is flying around about money. The result of this conversation was MIL jokes with SIL and says Yes! Take all of my sons money....you deserve it....good girl....blah blah blah 🤮 just to clarify im talking about Hs brothers wife and Hs mother.
So basically it seems to me. You can take all your Hs money and you deserve it but ONLY if you have a child with your H.
If you have a child then you are entitled to be welcomed into the family and entitled to whatever after divorce. But in my experience and ive heard this BS all before if you dont have a child with H as a 2nd wife then you dont belong in the family or they find it extremely difficult to welcome you.
Any thoughts anyone?
 
I was also informed by MIL that she has changed her will! Like I actually give a F***! So what. Her face was a picture when we said we had got engaged. H happened to tell his parents we have a joint bank account. Again, their faces! Its what married people do if they so choose isnt it? None of their business. And dont tell me about your effing will because Im not interested in the slightest. On the day that H proposed to me all I was thinking about was how much we were happy and in love. What a shame the in laws had other things on their mind. Namely villifying me. Its so predictable and boring 🙄
 
Doodle said:
I was also informed by MIL that she has changed her will! Like I actually give a F***! So what. Her face was a picture when we said we had got engaged. H happened to tell his parents we have a joint bank account. Again, their faces! Its what married people do if they so choose isnt it? None of their business. And dont tell me about your effing will because Im not interested in the slightest. On the day that H proposed to me all I was thinking about was how much we were happy and in love. What a shame the in laws had other things on their mind. Namely villifying me. Its so predictable and boring 🙄
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I don’t feel well right now, but I sympathize with you. Money makes the world go around, especially with women and men that don’t earn their own. They have to beg for money, threaten and fully depend on others and of coarse they think they deserve it. Their survival depends on it. Maybe they wanted to get their hands on H’s money and now yours.
I know why that’s like, I’ve been there and still have to watch it.
 
I think some of these people think way ahead, and they are thinking about inheritance. The kids wouldn't but you can imagine an EFH (and your MIL) saying to the kids - she'll take what should come to you blah blah.
 
It all sounds hurtful. I haven't had that one thrown at my face yet and it could easily have been as my H contributes more financially as he works full time, and he put more money into buying our house - but I contribute with childcare and running the house, cleaning, looking after the kids 90% of the time, and when they're off school poorly, school events, organising days out, cooking.... and he wouldn't be able to work full time or do all the overtime he does if I wasn't at home looking after the four children, plus I work part time. Childminders charge a lot more to do what I do! I do wonder what they all say when I'm not around (the LW side) but maybe I'm better not knowing. They're just polite to my face now and vice versa.

I think it all comes down to detaching again and ignoring their hurtful comments and turning the other cheek - anything they say comes from unhappiness and jealousy and spite, they're unhappy with their lot and we should just be glad we're not them.

Ironically - if they're accusing you of being after your Hs money, its just projection again, and its actually them that cares what happens to his money as they want to have it. Pot kettle black...
 
My biggest issue with H is money. I will keep what is mine and he will keep his, his inheritance!
Just yesterday I told him he is extremely unfair and ungrateful. He is in the grabbing phase, just like bfh and in-laws.
Now that he had so many things taken away from him, he is afraid of me and in his head fighting for what is his.
He lives in MY home!!!
Right now I don’t even know how I feel about him any more, don’t know if he’s still worth it.
He has become nasty about it, really nasty!
So we have a silent day more or less at our cabin and are dealing with overgrown grass and drying out our flooded basement.
I will stop here, because I only have 3 words for him, ending with, you are the same as your brothers and sisters and bfh, so foff and get out of my house!
 
I'm sorry to hear that and money can really show a few serious things up. I have a few issues here as well and am at the point where I'm not going to pay for anything any more. Which means I have to put up with things that need doing on the house.
 
Today is a new day. Both H and I were very tired yesterday and the past week, H drove for 11 hours, we couldn’t get a direct flight in time for business trip and we had a couple of intense weeks including the flood. The house is ok now and we are slowly starting to relax.
We agreed to the agreement we made earlier. H said it was never under question and I made it clear that I am sticking to it. It not only gives me financial security, it does the same for him, so no one looses, we both win and he has my financial support as I do his.
I am aware that his input into the company is significant, so it feels right we both share the profit and he can finish construction on his end in the city ( more profitable, but his inheritance) and our house in a small village will also be finished with my share and because I put up most of the money, it will belong to him, giving us the rights to also enjoy the properties or rather rent them out. Our pension. we both leave something to our children.

I guess this was the real holdup in investing in this property, because this issue had to be sorted. I came so far I was willing to sue him at one point, when our marriage was going through difficult times.

The fight was because of a car we bought almost 10 yrs ago. It was not the model he wanted…, nonsense really, but me being just as tired and a bit sick, made things worse. It was in his name, but I chose the model, more expensive than his choice. I felt he should’ve appreciated it, instead he just went off, now that I think back, so irrelevant, than it just snowballed.

Sometimes it is better to sleep it off and talk about money when in a good place. All is back to normal, we just needed to rest and recover.

I guess there are issues with money in every relationship or at least most, especially in second marriages, so my belief is we have to work out a deal, come to some agreement that works for both.
In first marriage it is more an issue of spoiling the kids, overspending, bad investments.

In second marriage, or just being a step parent and partner, there is so much more pressure and the stakes are higher, so the disagreements can be more severe and intense.

I am glad I didn’t just let myself go off and took two days to digest it and sleep it off. H was sorry, but I need to know what and why I am doing something.
We will add to our financial agreement we signed years ago because of EFH, but at the time I never wanted it or planned it. It was a must and I felt horrible about. I was blinded by love and so inexperienced, but not entirely.

Now I am glad it is In place, it just needs to be amended.
I was against it, but 15 yrs in and knowing the consequences of not having one in my case, could have potentially been devastating for me.

And it just proves how important it is. Until the lawsuit for his inheritance was not concluded and agreement on how to proceed was reached even with confirmation today, it was like a dark cloud over us. I now know how it should be written and it will include both of us giving up the right to inherit from one and other.

In this way all is handled and it can be amended if needed.
In my case this agreement was easy, but not really. A big issue in the end.
 
It feels like being a second wife is like a business deal in many ways, negotiated and renegotiated.

I don’t know if this is me or does anyone else feel similarly?
 
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