After years of being a stepmother and now a grandmother, I have noticed changes in my family.
My DDs with their families make time and attend and organize events with the entire family invited, meaning half brothers and stepbrothers.
There is a very significant difference between half brothers to stepbrothers.
The brothers are brothers and are close to our family. DDs just treat them like younger brothers and they get on very well. There is a deep sense of care and love present, which is great and I couldn’t be happier.
SSs are a different story. YSS lives in Switzerland and ESS here. ESS has a somewhat normal contact to his father and me, but has lately shown no respect for the family gatherings. Last time my grandson celebrated his birthday, he came with a present that was a commercial freebe. My grandson was disappointed (it was a foldable frisbee), he is old enough to notice, at least some small effort could be put in it. He turned 6 and it was a big dela for him starting school this year.
ESS was worn out from partying and just came there for free lunch. Left as soon as he could.
This behavior is causing frustration and quiet friction between my EDD who organized and payed for the event and everyone noticed his lack of interest and enthusiasm for our family. It wasn’t the first time. Lately it’s been getting worse. He is 30+, has a younger girlfriend that seems nice, but has been getting our financial support until just recently (not my idea). He finally opened his own company so he can receive the money for the projects he does himself and hopefully it will motivate him to earn enough money to pay taxes and have some left over. He has never had a regular job. It was a joke at his age.
He was always without money, but has managed to travel for more than a month and a half and take at least 3 weeks off during the this summer. He was pulling any money through my company and than H payed it out of his paycheck.
I was fed up and I think so was his father. He finally said no. I said it first and he didn’t punch me make it happen. I guess H is a bit fed up with ESS’s attitude in general.
Tbh, I have no idea how to normalize this situation. On the one hand H really wants his sons to be present when possible and involved in our family. I would want that too.
On the other hand ESS doesn’t have an attitude, he just shows total indifference, is not malicious, But very opportunistic and orders the most expensive food in the restaurant. WTH. My DD is paying and we have a big family.
YSS is seldom here, but is a bit of a snob coming from Switzerland and thinking he is so much better than us. I hate that, especially when he starts telling me which words are ok to use, not to be racist or out of line. I am neither, I don’t insult people and we have a very mixed family coming from different countries, cultures and races. I guess that is the attitude he picked up living there and his mother is that way. An everlasting victim and narcissist. She was very malicious, but we have been no contact for years now and that sits me well.
I don’t talk about her and I don’t think about her, which is a 100% win for me, as she was in my head and in my life for the first decade of our marriage and drove me to complete despair, anxiety and unhappiness. It also deeply affected our marriage and ruined any chance of having a relationship with in-laws. They wanted me out, she told my late MIL so many lies about me, her apology a few years before death couldn’t erase it. It was than picked up by H’s siblings and the relationships are completely broken. I must stress it is not all her fault, but as soon as we married, 6 yrs after her divorce, she was back with MIL as if nothing ever happened crying about me blocking money and contact with SS and he exh. I feel she was the third person in my marriage. She divorced H 6 years before we met. It was all based on lies and manipulation.
I come from a divorced family and I encountered contact with SSs and my entire family welcomed her sons with open arms. I wanted them to feel they haven’t lost their father, but only gained a larger family. I wanted them to feel they have the support and care. Something I didn’t really have.
It was never reciprocated, worse, she sued my EDD based on lies and of course filed another 4 lawsuits at H. I felt I was in hell. It all ended in mediation. She got nothing, but H signed all he had at the time over to his sons, whose is now practical, but not fair. She already got all the money, actually double the investment she ever made into H’s inheritance. We didn’t have a good lawyer. He didn’t believe H, only later when we dug out all the proof was he convinced it was all a lie. But H insisted on keeping him because he was friendly and able to calm him down.
Even her lawyer thought it wasn’t fair to H, but EFH was his client. He divorced my sister and told me directly what he thought almost apologized for suing my EDD. He in the end helped end the whole saga, so there were no hard feelings between us. He also advised my mother and sister and I believe protected them.
Went off the topic a bit, but I think the past still has a hold on our present and I wonder if we can ever get to some normal with especially ESS and my DDs.
This uninterested attitude has been slowly evolving over the years and it has now reached new heights affecting my grandchildren.
The problem is my grandson liked him and in some small way expected a bit more attention when coming to his birthday.
Also, we never celebrate their birthdays together. ESS has invited my YDD to his parties, but never EDD and has made no effort to at least pretend for a few hours in front off my grandson and family.
I wouldn’t be bothered, but H wants his son to be a part of our lives. When ESS pulls back and acts like a jerk and shows his lack of appreciation, H also pulls back and had barely seen my grandchildren lately as if we are two separate families.
His and mine. He, little by little, shows less interest in my grandchildren and it stings. I feel us growing apart in a very silent way. No fight, just apathy growing in me.
I hope it improves into some normal. My grandson really liked him. H is almost becoming a stranger.
Is this behavior showing loyalty to his family? If his sons don’t want to be close to us, H shouldn’t enjoy my family either. That’s how I feel. Crazy, but I am becoming resentful of his sons and him. It’s like a quiet separation of the families.
Too often he told me, go see your family and he stayed at home. It doesn’t feel like family anymore, or at least less like one.
H pretends to be interested, but he is not and the span of his attention is short when it comes to my family. He used to love to have family lunches, dinners, but now nothing. Literally nothing.
I don’t know what to do. Neither of his sons have a family and they live a very single life, even with girlfriends. Or maybe they are just looking for something better, theirs around the corner.
Maybe SSs will pull H further away fro us by ignoring us more and more.
I know ESS was at our home when I wasn’t around and I haven’t seen him since the birthday.
It’s quite miserable when I think about it and sad for all of us.
I have no idea how to talk to him about it. I don’t think he sees it the way I do and just feels his only Real loyalty lies with his sons, with his family.
I am the one to push for SSs involvement, because they are H’s sons and out of respect for my husband they are invited regardless. But because of it resentment is growing.
I think they would feel insulted if they weren’t invited, I just don’t know any more, I just don’t want a repeat of my own past, when due to my sisters crazy behavior, my SM has grown resentful of us, especially her and her DDs. She pulled away from us especially in the past when I still had my attitude issues as a teen, but I always liked her and got on with her, just not my father until later.
I think there are so many loyalty issues at play that it’s making life difficult, more difficult than it should be.
At least my DDs get on with their SM and so do I.
My DDs with their families make time and attend and organize events with the entire family invited, meaning half brothers and stepbrothers.
There is a very significant difference between half brothers to stepbrothers.
The brothers are brothers and are close to our family. DDs just treat them like younger brothers and they get on very well. There is a deep sense of care and love present, which is great and I couldn’t be happier.
SSs are a different story. YSS lives in Switzerland and ESS here. ESS has a somewhat normal contact to his father and me, but has lately shown no respect for the family gatherings. Last time my grandson celebrated his birthday, he came with a present that was a commercial freebe. My grandson was disappointed (it was a foldable frisbee), he is old enough to notice, at least some small effort could be put in it. He turned 6 and it was a big dela for him starting school this year.
ESS was worn out from partying and just came there for free lunch. Left as soon as he could.
This behavior is causing frustration and quiet friction between my EDD who organized and payed for the event and everyone noticed his lack of interest and enthusiasm for our family. It wasn’t the first time. Lately it’s been getting worse. He is 30+, has a younger girlfriend that seems nice, but has been getting our financial support until just recently (not my idea). He finally opened his own company so he can receive the money for the projects he does himself and hopefully it will motivate him to earn enough money to pay taxes and have some left over. He has never had a regular job. It was a joke at his age.
He was always without money, but has managed to travel for more than a month and a half and take at least 3 weeks off during the this summer. He was pulling any money through my company and than H payed it out of his paycheck.
I was fed up and I think so was his father. He finally said no. I said it first and he didn’t punch me make it happen. I guess H is a bit fed up with ESS’s attitude in general.
Tbh, I have no idea how to normalize this situation. On the one hand H really wants his sons to be present when possible and involved in our family. I would want that too.
On the other hand ESS doesn’t have an attitude, he just shows total indifference, is not malicious, But very opportunistic and orders the most expensive food in the restaurant. WTH. My DD is paying and we have a big family.
YSS is seldom here, but is a bit of a snob coming from Switzerland and thinking he is so much better than us. I hate that, especially when he starts telling me which words are ok to use, not to be racist or out of line. I am neither, I don’t insult people and we have a very mixed family coming from different countries, cultures and races. I guess that is the attitude he picked up living there and his mother is that way. An everlasting victim and narcissist. She was very malicious, but we have been no contact for years now and that sits me well.
I don’t talk about her and I don’t think about her, which is a 100% win for me, as she was in my head and in my life for the first decade of our marriage and drove me to complete despair, anxiety and unhappiness. It also deeply affected our marriage and ruined any chance of having a relationship with in-laws. They wanted me out, she told my late MIL so many lies about me, her apology a few years before death couldn’t erase it. It was than picked up by H’s siblings and the relationships are completely broken. I must stress it is not all her fault, but as soon as we married, 6 yrs after her divorce, she was back with MIL as if nothing ever happened crying about me blocking money and contact with SS and he exh. I feel she was the third person in my marriage. She divorced H 6 years before we met. It was all based on lies and manipulation.
I come from a divorced family and I encountered contact with SSs and my entire family welcomed her sons with open arms. I wanted them to feel they haven’t lost their father, but only gained a larger family. I wanted them to feel they have the support and care. Something I didn’t really have.
It was never reciprocated, worse, she sued my EDD based on lies and of course filed another 4 lawsuits at H. I felt I was in hell. It all ended in mediation. She got nothing, but H signed all he had at the time over to his sons, whose is now practical, but not fair. She already got all the money, actually double the investment she ever made into H’s inheritance. We didn’t have a good lawyer. He didn’t believe H, only later when we dug out all the proof was he convinced it was all a lie. But H insisted on keeping him because he was friendly and able to calm him down.
Even her lawyer thought it wasn’t fair to H, but EFH was his client. He divorced my sister and told me directly what he thought almost apologized for suing my EDD. He in the end helped end the whole saga, so there were no hard feelings between us. He also advised my mother and sister and I believe protected them.
Went off the topic a bit, but I think the past still has a hold on our present and I wonder if we can ever get to some normal with especially ESS and my DDs.
This uninterested attitude has been slowly evolving over the years and it has now reached new heights affecting my grandchildren.
The problem is my grandson liked him and in some small way expected a bit more attention when coming to his birthday.
Also, we never celebrate their birthdays together. ESS has invited my YDD to his parties, but never EDD and has made no effort to at least pretend for a few hours in front off my grandson and family.
I wouldn’t be bothered, but H wants his son to be a part of our lives. When ESS pulls back and acts like a jerk and shows his lack of appreciation, H also pulls back and had barely seen my grandchildren lately as if we are two separate families.
His and mine. He, little by little, shows less interest in my grandchildren and it stings. I feel us growing apart in a very silent way. No fight, just apathy growing in me.
I hope it improves into some normal. My grandson really liked him. H is almost becoming a stranger.
Is this behavior showing loyalty to his family? If his sons don’t want to be close to us, H shouldn’t enjoy my family either. That’s how I feel. Crazy, but I am becoming resentful of his sons and him. It’s like a quiet separation of the families.
Too often he told me, go see your family and he stayed at home. It doesn’t feel like family anymore, or at least less like one.
H pretends to be interested, but he is not and the span of his attention is short when it comes to my family. He used to love to have family lunches, dinners, but now nothing. Literally nothing.
I don’t know what to do. Neither of his sons have a family and they live a very single life, even with girlfriends. Or maybe they are just looking for something better, theirs around the corner.
Maybe SSs will pull H further away fro us by ignoring us more and more.
I know ESS was at our home when I wasn’t around and I haven’t seen him since the birthday.
It’s quite miserable when I think about it and sad for all of us.
I have no idea how to talk to him about it. I don’t think he sees it the way I do and just feels his only Real loyalty lies with his sons, with his family.
I am the one to push for SSs involvement, because they are H’s sons and out of respect for my husband they are invited regardless. But because of it resentment is growing.
I think they would feel insulted if they weren’t invited, I just don’t know any more, I just don’t want a repeat of my own past, when due to my sisters crazy behavior, my SM has grown resentful of us, especially her and her DDs. She pulled away from us especially in the past when I still had my attitude issues as a teen, but I always liked her and got on with her, just not my father until later.
I think there are so many loyalty issues at play that it’s making life difficult, more difficult than it should be.
At least my DDs get on with their SM and so do I.
And with ESS being 30 he is maybe more interested in his personal life and girl-friend. A wild stage maybe? For your grandson, maybe say to him sort of jokingly "ESS isn't very good at choosing presents, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care". That might make feel grandson feel a bit better, but he will probably never forget the rubbish present!