Hi, I am glad I joined this community

M

Maya

Active member
I am a second wife with two daughters and two stepsons. They are all grown up now, my girls are married and have their own families, my stepsons are a bit younger and not there yet.
In the past I‘ve had a lot of issues with the ex wife, in-laws and alienation.
To some extent that last part is still painful for me.
My husband and I have had our own personal and specific issues that come with the territory. For example, different approaches to setting boundaries, obtaining some order and keeping all our children together and for the first 4-5 years, keeping the ex wife away, she still pops in through her children now and than.
We have been married for 15 yrs. and a lot has happened, more than I ever anticipated. I have helped my husband through 6 lawsuits, 5 from ex wife (she also sued my daughter) and this last one from his siblings regarding inheritance.
We had our ups and downs, but have managed to somehow ride the waves. Needless to say it affected our marriage in almost every way.
I have learned to detach from situations to a point and move on from the more difficult times quickly. I also learned that constant provocations and meddling in our marriage by others, can really cause havoc and leave you emotionally exhausted. Lately, I realize how unimportant those things are and the most we can do is live well and appreciate what we have. I’ve had help and support from other second wives and would like to share my experiences and offer support to others.
 
Glad you joined Maya. You have some very wise words there. Living well sounds like a thing we should all do regardless of what is going on. That is a lot of court cases you helped with. We've had a fair few as well. I am sure your experience will be a big help to others.
 
Hi Maya did you ever get to the point that your H saw you’re children like his own?

It still stings when my H says “your kids” to me in conversations. When he did it again two days ago I replied, you mean “your stepkids”.

I moved in thinking he wanted to be a family. But I think he just puts up with my kids to be with me. Are my expectations too high?

Probably x
 
It sounds like habit Honey and a male logical way of distinguishing which kids are which. But it's not great is it? It would be nice if he just said "the kids". So the fact he doesn't suggests he is disinguishing between some kids differently to others. It may partly be a terminology thing - if you only had one child he would probably just refer to them by name and talk about "Joe" for example, rather than "your kids" which is more familiar. As you have more than one, they get lumped together as the "kids". In what context does he talk about "your kids"? Is it in terms of behaviour for example? ie distinguishing that some kids need certain things that others don't?

I think it's a fairly common thing, on occasion in any stepfamily. I've always just referred to SS by name. Only when I'm a bit annoyed with OH and think he should be doing a bit more parenting, do I say "your son" pointedly. But that's not to indicate that I don't think he's part of me as well, it's to indicate that I think OH should be taking more responsibility over a certain situation - where he has some control, as a legal parent, and I don't.

I think all the while your stepkids have another life with LW's family, it must be harder to have a more blended family with all the kids with the two of you. In some ways there are differences - they have different grandparents and relatives and extended family can also be funny about accepting stepkids as well.

Some of my relatives just saw SS as "not mine". Which I was not happy about. He was still a child and still part of our family as a couple. Some of them were just probably worried about upsetting his Mother so opting out of being too involved. Others just had this attitude - well he's got a Mother and a Father so he's not anything to do with our family. My parents were very good about it. They saw it as it was. That I lived with and looked after SS and had a relationship with him as a step parent, and therefore he was part of me and my life.

It does sound like just a terminology habit in your case though as presumably he doesn't refuse to do anything for them. Like - I feed my kids, you feed yours - type thing! Presumably you all do things together?
 
Thanks Esme. I think he’s being logical and practical . I end up doing the motherly role more and more for all the kids because he works a lot longer hours than me. We go out altogether when we can but obviously the rota every two weeks still doesn’t help. We’re all out for a meal tonight. Another thing I just have to accept, he knows how I feel but he still doesn’t change his behaviour. I’ve told him the rota isn’t helping us blend as a family. He is actually starting to want to reduce the time my SKs are away at weekends but it’s because he’s having to do overtime Saturday mornings too now and starting to resent the driving afterwards when he’s tired
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Yes that rota doesn't help as it gives an added dimension of "separate lives" or "separate families". It sounds good to focus on doing as many things as a family as possible. DH's attitude won't be helped by the influence of the family attitudes either.

The reality also though is that sometimes a step parent just doesn't have much of a bond with step children and does feel differently to the way they do about their own kids. There doesn't need to be a bond though, to treat them all fairly and be a good stepdad.

Working a lot causes issues too - not enough time for everything and everybody.

Sometimes I think kids themselves can influence the way parents react. As in if the kids all behaved like siblings DH would get used to the idea. So regular reinforcement phrases might help like "we're all part of our family and we both love you all". Or "you may be step sisters/brothers in name, but in our family you are brothers and sisters and all equally important".

I found I had to drop phrases in now and then at convenient times, to keep up reassurance and clarity.
 
Last edited:
Thanks Esme.

I think you could be right about talking to the kids like we’re family even if my DH doesn’t. I told my SKs on way home from meal tonight that it feels like something is missing when they’re away and my sd said “oh does it” like she was pleased in a nice way. They all sat in the living room and my DH commented oh why are they all in here and I said “it’s called being a family” and my YSS said “yes we are” 🙂
 
Last edited by a moderator:
That’s great! I guess it takes time for all the kids to feel that too - but I’m sure the wedding will have helped as well - it tells the world.
 
Honey said:
Hi Maya did you ever get to the point that your H saw you’re children like his own?

It still stings when my H says “your kids” to me in conversations. When he did it again two days ago I replied, you mean “your stepkids”.

I moved in thinking he wanted to be a family. But I think he just puts up with my kids to be with me. Are my expectations too high?

Probably x
Click to expand...
I don’t think it is realistic to expect our partners to love our children like their own. My experience tells me we can build a friendship. It’s what my stepmother built with me, it is what my daughter’s stepmother built with them. But that happened over time, over years.

We all had our ups and downs. I remember I told her once I feel a betrayal of loyalty because I got on with her so well and not so well with my mother.

I don’t believe we have to force ourselves to love stepchildren like our own, especially if there are other people involved like in-laws that feel the children should be loyal to LW.
I think having a step family should be seen for what it is. Two families living together.

And it is not the same as our first marriage. We all have our own fantasies of what it should look like, but the reality is a little different, even if it doesn’t include some really toxic people.

I think we suffer until we can accept that this type of families are very different and that in the end it is up to us to make a life for ourselves.

We look at the positive and if it outweighs the negative, offers support emotional and otherwise and provides a safe place for our children and us, than I think it is worth working on it, but keeping it real.

I don’t think your situation is bad, but accept that your children are yours and his are still his.

Also keep in mind that strong bond between partners exists to get us over the challenges we face. I also told my H that I thought he wanted a family when he acted like he was alone.

In your case your H is still adjusting to being married again and turning a leaf. I don’t think he completely figured out how to sort his past and his present and future.

We usually make a clean cut emotionally once we get over divorce and for me it took approx 4 yrs., possibly even more. I had issues with starting over, I really wanted to, but the men I met were unavailable, so I was basically single for 14 yrs. Today that tells me a lot. I really had to be on my own to separate myself from my past, especially because I felt guilty for cheating on my exh. The marriage wasn’t working and I was miserable, young and alone. I later asked him why he pulled away from me. He said he had his own personal issues and he had a very difficult and close relationship with his mother. It took a toll on his second marriage too.

Don’t expect perfection. There is no such thing.

We can have imperfect lives and still find happiness and fulfillment.

I thought when I married for the second time that I would know how to make it work. Strangely I we both brought our unresolved relationship issues into our marriage and had to learn to handle things differently. I was very direct, did not believe in diplomacy, to me that was manipulation, I expected H to be strong, to never need me and stand on his own feet, be loving and gentle…

H is loving, he cooks, he goes shopping with me…, he also resents working for me sometimes, because I am his boss and that is difficult. But he does it anyway. He is not a strong alpha mail type, he is quieter than me and doesn’t really know how to stand up for himself in court for example. And that was difficult on me, still is.

One thing I know for sure is, one has to become strong and quite independent and confident in this type of second marriage.

I experienced myself falling apart in those difficult situations. I entered the marriage believing I was strong.

I am much stronger and wiser now and I know that new challenges are on the horizon. I will now have to work with H and his in-laws to finish construction on the house he inherited, he only owns a part of it, but potentially it can be turned into two flats and rented out.

I can hate them and be angry for eternity or get on with it. I haven’t figured out how I will proceed. Basically it comes down to decisions made almost daily, that this is what you want and make it work somehow, even when times are tough. I was locked in a limbo of should I stay or should I go for a while, a few times during my marriage. I had to set some boundaries, but was glad when I surpassed that point. Divorce is always an option and I seriously considered it a few times. I even took action, but never got away, we always found our way back.

You can’t have it all. It is something I have come to understand. You love your H for what he is and he loves you for what you are. But as I tried to explain because we are different, we don’t always see things the same way or some may take longer to fully integrate into the new family life.
We expect marriage to change things only for the better. It definitely changes things, some things show up that we didn’t see before, but ot doesn’t mean it’s not working. It is just more that we have to work on.

Let him develop his relationship to your children at his pace and it may not reach what you expect at his point.
The truth is you have your children and he has his and if he will be unjust to your children you will protect your children.

I have protected mine and H had felt the need at one point to protect his and I was pushed away. It hurt, but it hurt a lot less after a year and I found out that his children wanted me out, because I presume EFH told them to.

Since then they keep a distance, but have become a little closer and I am able to set boundary, so far. We will see what happens with the house where H’s son lives too. What will he say to me for having a word in the construction. In the end it will be my money, my decision. I know exactly what I want to get out of it and keeping it in H’s name with SSs as the only beneficiaries. Property, inheritance is also an issue once the children get older and we have to finalize everything with contracts. We have a post-nuptial agreement, because of the EFH and thank god for it. Makes things so much easier, but it definitely didn’t feel good when we had to sign it.

So in my family it is your children/my children and we coexist as a family, meaning we have each other’s backs.
Once we get over our expectations, things usually get easier and even improve.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
The bond with your own children will be different to that of a step parenting bond. But it doesn’t mean you can’t both have fondness and a sense of care and protection towards all the children. In a way there is an equality in the you are both biological parents who have those responsibilities. Whereas in my situation only OH has a child and he is the only legal parent - it can give a kind of inequality sometimes but not a major issue.

I guess some of the challenges, when you both have children, are agreeing in things like discipline and house rules perhaps. But that is the same for all couples.

Maya - Honey has been living with her DH for some years before the marriage. It does sound like marriage has made everyone feel more like family and I think you’re both doing really well. But as Maya says, these things can take time. It sometimes takes a problem for real bonds to show I think. Like if one of the children had an accident. You are in it together with your worries and feelings and it can make a step parent realise just how much they do care. So the care is there all along but the emotions come out when there is a crisis perhaps.

So it can be good just to accept. He does care - he is just adjusting to it as he and his kids went through something different to you and your kids.

Being a WOW is not quite the same as marrying a divorced man with children and all your children live with you full time. Actually no - his children spend quite a bit of time with the LW parents which can’t make things easier.

I think it’s going really well. But you are right not to want it to dissolve into - what’s mine and what’s yours.

My experience is different again because I do love SS and treated him as if he was ours. Because OH said he was ours. Because we were a couple and he was the only child in our family. I had a very close bond with him. I say had as that bond was damaged due to EFH alienating but he still cares and knows I care. It’s just different now.

So if there is only the one child, it’s different again. The dynamics can be different in our various different circumstances. The ages of the children, the number of children each - and all the different personalities.

And you have the added dimension of him being a widower.
 
Maya said:
I don’t think it is realistic to expect our partners to love our children like their own. My experience tells me we can build a friendship. It’s what my stepmother built with me, it is what my daughter’s stepmother built with them. But that happened over time, over years.

We all had our ups and downs. I remember I told her once I feel a betrayal of loyalty because I got on with her so well and not so well with my mother.

I don’t believe we have to force ourselves to love stepchildren like our own, especially if there are other people involved like in-laws that feel the children should be loyal to LW.
I think having a step family should be seen for what it is. Two families living together.

And it is not the same as our first marriage. We all have our own fantasies of what it should look like, but the reality is a little different, even if it doesn’t include some really toxic people.

I think we suffer until we can accept that this type of families are very different and that in the end it is up to us to make a life for ourselves.

We look at the positive and if it outweighs the negative, offers support emotional and otherwise and provides a safe place for our children and us, than I think it is worth working on it, but keeping it real.

I don’t think your situation is bad, but accept that your children are yours and his are still his.

Also keep in mind that strong bond between partners exists to get us over the challenges we face. I also told my H that I thought he wanted a family when he acted like he was alone.

In your case your H is still adjusting to being married again and turning a leaf. I don’t think he completely figured out how to sort his past and his present and future.

We usually make a clean cut emotionally once we get over divorce and for me it took approx 4 yrs., possibly even more. I had issues with starting over, I really wanted to, but the men I met were unavailable, so I was basically single for 14 yrs. Today that tells me a lot. I really had to be on my own to separate myself from my past, especially because I felt guilty for cheating on my exh. The marriage wasn’t working and I was miserable, young and alone. I later asked him why he pulled away from me. He said he had his own personal issues and he had a very difficult and close relationship with his mother. It took a toll on his second marriage too.

Don’t expect perfection. There is no such thing.

We can have imperfect lives and still find happiness and fulfillment.

I thought when I married for the second time that I would know how to make it work. Strangely I we both brought our unresolved relationship issues into our marriage and had to learn to handle things differently. I was very direct, did not believe in diplomacy, to me that was manipulation, I expected H to be strong, to never need me and stand on his own feet, be loving and gentle…

H is loving, he cooks, he goes shopping with me…, he also resents working for me sometimes, because I am his boss and that is difficult. But he does it anyway. He is not a strong alpha mail type, he is quieter than me and doesn’t really know how to stand up for himself in court for example. And that was difficult on me, still is.

One thing I know for sure is, one has to become strong and quite independent and confident in this type of second marriage.

I experienced myself falling apart in those difficult situations. I entered the marriage believing I was strong.

I am much stronger and wiser now and I know that new challenges are on the horizon. I will now have to work with H and his in-laws to finish construction on the house he inherited, he only owns a part of it, but potentially it can be turned into two flats and rented out.

I can hate them and be angry for eternity or get on with it. I haven’t figured out how I will proceed. Basically it comes down to decisions made almost daily, that this is what you want and make it work somehow, even when times are tough. I was locked in a limbo of should I stay or should I go for a while, a few times during my marriage. I had to set some boundaries, but was glad when I surpassed that point. Divorce is always an option and I seriously considered it a few times. I even took action, but never got away, we always found our way back.

You can’t have it all. It is something I have come to understand. You love your H for what he is and he loves you for what you are. But as I tried to explain because we are different, we don’t always see things the same way or some may take longer to fully integrate into the new family life.
We expect marriage to change things only for the better. It definitely changes things, some things show up that we didn’t see before, but ot doesn’t mean it’s not working. It is just more that we have to work on.

Let him develop his relationship to your children at his pace and it may not reach what you expect at his point.
The truth is you have your children and he has his and if he will be unjust to your children you will protect your children.

I have protected mine and H had felt the need at one point to protect his and I was pushed away. It hurt, but it hurt a lot less after a year and I found out that his children wanted me out, because I presume EFH told them to.

Since then they keep a distance, but have become a little closer and I am able to set boundary, so far. We will see what happens with the house where H’s son lives too. What will he say to me for having a word in the construction. In the end it will be my money, my decision. I know exactly what I want to get out of it and keeping it in H’s name with SSs as the only beneficiaries. Property, inheritance is also an issue once the children get older and we have to finalize everything with contracts. We have a post-nuptial agreement, because of the EFH and thank god for it. Makes things so much easier, but it definitely didn’t feel good when we had to sign it.

So in my family it is your children/my children and we coexist as a family, meaning we have each other’s backs.
Once we get over our expectations, things usually get easier and even improve.
Click to expand...
Thanks Maya. Yes I hurt myself by keeping wishing it was different. We have our ups and downs. There are definitely more positives and negatives- a lot has got better because I’ve detached from certain things and think my relationship with my H is more honest in a less confrontational way. I Think we can disagree more without it feeling like the end of the world. I do just need to let my Hs relationship develop overtime and stop wishing he’d be the dad to my kids that they don’t have ( because their his absent ). He does show he cares every now and again I’m just looking for things too much. I definitely care about my SKs . I see them and look after them more than any blood relative they have right now as we all live together full time but I guess my relationship with them will get deeper over the years too. I know they like me alot even if they don’t love me and I do just try and be a friend rather than mother to them x
 
Esme said:
The bond with your own children will be different to that of a step parenting bond. But it doesn’t mean you can’t both have fondness and a sense of care and protection towards all the children. In a way there is an equality in the you are both biological parents who have those responsibilities. Whereas in my situation only OH has a child and he is the only legal parent - it can give a kind of inequality sometimes but not a major issue.

I guess some of the challenges, when you both have children, are agreeing in things like discipline and house rules perhaps. But that is the same for all couples.

Maya - Honey has been living with her DH for some years before the marriage. It does sound like marriage has made everyone feel more like family and I think you’re both doing really well. But as Maya says, these things can take time. It sometimes takes a problem for real bonds to show I think. Like if one of the children had an accident. You are in it together with your worries and feelings and it can make a step parent realise just how much they do care. So the care is there all along but the emotions come out when there is a crisis perhaps.

So it can be good just to accept. He does care - he is just adjusting to it as he and his kids went through something different to you and your kids.

Being a WOW is not quite the same as marrying a divorced man with children and all your children live with you full time. Actually no - his children spend quite a bit of time with the LW parents which can’t make things easier.

I think it’s going really well. But you are right not to want it to dissolve into - what’s mine and what’s yours.

My experience is different again because I do love SS and treated him as if he was ours. Because OH said he was ours. Because we were a couple and he was the only child in our family. I had a very close bond with him. I say had as that bond was damaged due to EFH alienating but he still cares and knows I care. It’s just different now.

So if there is only the one child, it’s different again. The dynamics can be different in our various different circumstances. The ages of the children, the number of children each - and all the different personalities.

And you have the added dimension of him being a widower.
Click to expand...
Thanks Esme. I’ve had the same thought that at least I do have my own two kids too and it makes us more equal. Eg we put half each to days out etc as we have two kids each but would feel bit more unbalanced and may cause resentment if one of us is paying towards an extra sk, plus I get plenty of hugs and love from my bks. I wonder if my H would have bonded more with my BD by now if he didn’t have his own BD that he dotes on. But I’m probably overthinking and it is what it is. even if it’s true I need to just live in the moment more and appreciate what I have. Weve had a nice “family” weekend, meal out and board games this weekend, should just try and have a few more of these x
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I think there's a fine line between carefully thinking and being astute to the need to resolve things, and "overthinking". I'm not keen on the "overthinking" word that gets used a lot these days as it is sometimes used as a criticism of someone. Analysing and being thoughtful is not "over" thinking, it is being careful and not making mistakes and working things out. So don't be hard on yourself there :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top