Hello 😊

[Briskkie]

I just found this forum and I’m very interested to see if I can find some peace of mind here. I am the second (soon to be wife). My fiancé has 5 kids to previous relationships and I am having issues with the lot. The ex. His kids my kids and constantly feeling like it’s my fault things aren’t working out and that I should be doing more. Anyway I hope to communicate more soon

 

[Esme]

Hello and welcome! Sorry for not replying earlier - it’s been one of those days

You sound really in the thick of it - 5 kids with different ex’s!

One thing though - nothing is your fault. You met a man with kids - you have relationships to manage but so does he and should work with you on things. How are your kids getting along with his?

You say fiancé - so is there a wedding in the offing?!

Do his kids have regular schedules of time with you two so you can work out routines?

I’m sure others will come along soon - you’re not alone in this kind of situation. One word you’ll probably hear people mention is - detach.

It’s a kind of way of letting it all go over you and detaching from it all and finding that moment of space where you remember who you are and feel grounded.

It’s also about putting certain people out of mind and focusing on your own life and home and relationships and not letting the ex (or exes) get into your head.

 

[Noodle]

Hi Briskkie!
Welcome. You are in the right place for sharing your experience.
Why do you feel like things are your fault?
What kind of issues are you having?
As Esme pointed out, things will most certainly not be your fault.
Blended families are a complex mix of personalities. If you are trying to please everyone then stop right now. All you will do is wear yourself out. Its nit possible to please everyone in this situation. Where are your main concerns?
Is your partner supportive? Or do you feel like he doesn't fully understand the situation you are in?
How are the ex partners regarding shared care?
How are the children, what ages are they?
We can certainly help you pick through these issues and remind you of whats important. Dont let anybody cross your personal lines. X

 

[Briskkie]

Hello and welcome! Sorry for not replying earlier - it’s been one of those days

You sound really in the thick of it - 5 kids with different ex’s!

One thing though - nothing is your fault. You met a man with kids - you have relationships to manage but so does he and should work with you on things. How are your kids getting along with his?

You say fiancé - so is there a wedding in the offing?!

Do his kids have regular schedules of time with you two so you can work out routines?

I’m sure others will come along soon - you’re not alone in this kind of situation. One word you’ll probably hear people mention is - detach.

It’s a kind of way of letting it all go over you and detaching from it all and finding that moment of space where you remember who you are and feel grounded.

It’s also about putting certain people out of mind and focusing on your own life and home and relationships and not letting the ex (or exes) get into your head.

Hi Esme,
Thanks for the welcome
Yes I'm sort of feeling very down at present along going on and yes a wedding coming too in a few months so it's all happening his kids are with us one week on one week off we've been together for 2 years and I could probably count the amount of times they talk to me on one hand they are older kids and I keep being told it's just the age and not me necessarily but when they go back to their mum she doesn't like me at all and any progress I make during our week is all negated by her and then back to square one again so it's tricky but I'm sure not unique from what I've seen along of others are in the same boat

 

[Briskkie]

Hi Briskkie!
Welcome. You are in the right place for sharing your experience.
Why do you feel like things are your fault?
What kind of issues are you having?
As Esme pointed out, things will most certainly not be your fault.
Blended families are a complex mix of personalities. If you are trying to please everyone then stop right now. All you will do is wear yourself out. Its nit possible to please everyone in this situation. Where are your main concerns?
Is your partner supportive? Or do you feel like he doesn't fully understand the situation you are in?
How are the ex partners regarding shared care?
How are the children, what ages are they?
We can certainly help you pick through these issues and remind you of whats important. Dont let anybody cross your personal lines. X

Hi Doodle,
Thank you also for the welcome
I guess I feel I should do more for them but when i do it is never appreciated well it doesn't seem like it I wouldn't know though as they don't talk to me much at all and that lies the big thing at the moment they just seem to want to do stuff with their dad and not me he always does try to include me but when he does it's very awkward feeling and I'm then sort of fourth wheeling
My partner is supportive and he try's to include me but he can only do so much cause no I don't think like he fully understands if I have any issues i tell him but he usually just brushes it off as no big deal
We have his kids week on week off they are 20 and 14 so not young ones there was a third one but that's a whole other story
Maybe because the wedding is coming up it's really weighing on my mind

 

[Maya]

Hi,
And welcome.
I could go on and tell you I can relate to how you feel. And I do. My husband has two sons and I have two daughters.
They are all grown up and we see each other occasionally, when we have family events and when I go and see my DDs. H keeps closer contact with his sons. It is a bit complicated, inheritance and lawsuit did its damage and it holds me back from going to the house his elder son lives in, at the moment. I have every intention of sorting it out and will not be pushed out by in-laws.
As you say another story.

You should know that second marriage has its own challenges and if the children are allowed to ignore you in your house, that is wrong, but can happen.
Maybe just talk to them in front of your fiancé and try to get the communication going. They won’t start it, that is my experience.
When you do manage to do it, just say it’s a pleasure having them around or something.

I am having a difficult time understanding how they can ignore you so much if they are with you every other week and they stay in your house.
How do your children get along with them?

I am sure you will have to lower your expectations, but ignoring you for weeks and weeks, that is tough.
Kids can be difficult, it is the age thing to a point, but there is always the attitude that messes things up.

 

[Noodle]

Hi Doodle,
Thank you also for the welcome
I guess I feel I should do more for them but when i do it is never appreciated well it doesn't seem like it I wouldn't know though as they don't talk to me much at all and that lies the big thing at the moment they just seem to want to do stuff with their dad and not me he always does try to include me but when he does it's very awkward feeling and I'm then sort of fourth wheeling
My partner is supportive and he try's to include me but he can only do so much cause no I don't think like he fully understands if I have any issues i tell him but he usually just brushes it off as no big deal
We have his kids week on week off they are 20 and 14 so not young ones there was a third one but that's a whole other story
Maybe because the wedding is coming up it's really weighing on my mind

Whos house are you living in I wonder? I think it can make all the difference. If its your partners house that was previously the place where they came to see him and spend time with him then they may unfairly resent the intrusion of you being there. Something that would take time and need to be raised by dad. If its your house then I believe its very rude to treat you like that. If its a new house for you both then again very rude.
Ive been ignored and its not very nice. Stepkids used to barge into dads bedroom in the morning, almost jump all over him as if i didnt exist. Ive brought them packets of food in the past to watch them share/ offer with dad and again completely ignore me. It really is dads place to speak up about these matters. However sometimes they (men) choose not to see it. They take the silent approach whether they are or not aware of the problem. They just hope it will quitely resolve by itself.
I have been afraid to speak up in the past about these kind of issues because they cause friction. However it hasnt stopped me from going ahead and pointing out such rude behaviours.
You usually can not win where step kids are concerned. If you raise rudeness you are the bad person who "doesnt like the kids" if you dont point these matters out, your mental health is at stake.
Your kindness towards them is expected and never recognised.
Obviously the EFH will not help matters. A 20 year old step child should know better but not always. Some people like the drama and its how they bond with their natural parent. By taking their side. Going home and having a gossip with their Bio mum keeps them feeling safe.
Advice....its nice to let the stepkids spend time with dad alone. Its something my H wouldn't alllow but I think its necessary. Take time for yourself. Ideally you would like to have a warm and friendly conversation with the stepkids but obviously you cant force them to. Its not going to be easy but again the positive is that you can detach. Keep yourself breezy around them. Go about your day as you would any other day. Let your conversation flow naturally. The problem doesnt lie with you. Dad needs to speak up x

 

[Esme]

Hi Doodle,
Thank you also for the welcome
I guess I feel I should do more for them but when i do it is never appreciated well it doesn't seem like it I wouldn't know though as they don't talk to me much at all and that lies the big thing at the moment they just seem to want to do stuff with their dad and not me he always does try to include me but when he does it's very awkward feeling and I'm then sort of fourth wheeling
My partner is supportive and he try's to include me but he can only do so much cause no I don't think like he fully understands if I have any issues i tell him but he usually just brushes it off as no big deal
We have his kids week on week off they are 20 and 14 so not young ones there was a third one but that's a whole other story
Maybe because the wedding is coming up it's really weighing on my mind

I think that's probably it It's a stressful time in the run up to a wedding, even if it's a happy occasion and even without blended families! Honey may come along and post when she's free and after marriage, things got better in many ways. Others accept the situation and you more.

As for stepkids - that will be an ongoing thing. And I can perfectly understand how they can ignore you all week as have a teenager here too. Mostly it is being a teenager. They just want their own space and no parenting - and boys also get closer to Dad at that age. I've had a couple of years of about 5 minutes conversation at mealtimes and that's it. The 20 year old should have grown out of that by now but might feel awkward.

Main thing though is not to take it personally (easier said than done). There will be a few things going on. Firstly it will be a bit strange for them. They've been through a divorce and are maybe wary of anything being permanent. Secondly they will have strong loyalty to their Mother and if, for some reason, she is upset and negative about Dad getting married again, they will probably be less sociable out of loyalty.

However if they come week on week off, then your OH's dealings with his ex can't be "that" bad. Many are fighting to see their kids at all and court orders being breached and so on. But it is a strange dynamic. Most second wives find it's best to have no contact with the ex and leave your partner to deal with that. What do they see you do when they're there? Just the usual female role thing? Cooking and cleaning for everyone? Do you work as well? One tip I think people find helpful, is to invite other people round when the stepkids are there - eg friends of yours and OH's - especially if they have kids as well. They then see a different side to you, in a social environment. Likewise going out to other peoples houses. Teens and older kids have to talk then! And they see you and OH interacting normally with others - so whatever their Mother might have said about you two - reality shows them something else - in a normal social setting.

But also this is partly down to your OH - what does he say about his kids mostly ignoring you? Or does he not see it because he's just happy to see his kids?

If you don't mind me asking, how old are your kids? Similar ages or younger?

As Doodle asked also, where are you living right now and will you still be living there after getting married? Or planning to move?

Aside from all that are you having serious second thoughts? I won't ask any more till we know what the living situation is!

But you've come to the right place for support.

 

[Esme]

How are you getting on Briskkie?