Full time Stepmum
- Thread starter Esme
- Start date
It isn’t always easy to del with our own children, let alone stepchildren, but your situation is specific.
Teenagers are a lot of work and you will have to put some boundaries in, even in terms like of finances.
But your house is full, with good times, new energy, work and upbringing.
Hope it’s making you feel happier. It is what you wished for, for a long time.
Teenagers are a lot of work and you will have to put some boundaries in, even in terms like of finances.
But your house is full, with good times, new energy, work and upbringing.
Hope it’s making you feel happier. It is what you wished for, for a long time.
If it is any consolation, once the EFH declared that she did not want anything to do with YSS any more, he became a much better person overall, and a lot nicer to us.
Give him some time to adjust and I am sure you will start to see the positive effects of being in a loving stable home where people behave in a normal and predictable way with each other. I have seen how transformative that can be with YSS.
Give him some time to adjust and I am sure you will start to see the positive effects of being in a loving stable home where people behave in a normal and predictable way with each other. I have seen how transformative that can be with YSS.
He is already nicer - mostly - but I worry a bit about some of the values (or lack of them) he has picked up over the last 7 years. EFH was very materialistic. And he doesn’t seem to know the value of money.YSS did not know the value of money and spent everything he earned on tech gear and the like when he first started working. I tried to get his father to charge him to stay with us - we would have just put the money into an account to help him when he bought a house (but not told him this) - but DH refused. Anyway, in the end he did buy a house and started to understand that money does not grow on trees. With two young sons he now sees how hard you have to work just to make ends meet. They usually get there in the end. Just set firm boundaries and do not let him get you into debt.
LostinCanada
Member
I bet its a rollercoaster and am full of admiration that you are doing this full time. I only do it 50% of the time and thats enough for me. I do love my SDD dearly but its so much more relaxing having my partner to myself. She's about to turn 16 and is finally seeing some of the games her mum plays (the 2ndEFH). And despite being very spoilt does see the value of some of the money that is thrown at her. Make sure you get some Esme time!! That will be crucial for sanity I suspect. Well done you...
LostinCanada
Member
How old is the SS again?
LostinCanada
Member
Ah yeah thats a tough and demanding age. And outside of the emotional supporting the logistics of so many different activities can be exhausting!! Bet you are nailing it even if it doesn't feel like it. Your empathy and advice on here is wonderful - no doubt that transforms into similar attributes for when you Step-mamering.
I’ve been in this situation for about a year and a half.
We had to deal with ESS’s depression, addiction to pain meds and the behavior that went along with this. It was not an easy time.
Bfh had thrown him out of her home and dropped him in front of our house.
At 19 he moved into H’s flat with our full support.
Bfh again took control and told him to do things her way and to keep us out of the apartment.
After that first year on his own, he asked all his roommates to move out, the place was beyond a mess, many things were destroyed and dirty with clothes all over the place. I was shocked, but I wasn’t surprised. We knew things weren’t well, but he kept saying all is good and ignored us, except for shopping and financial support.
He failed school and I have no idea what he was doing all day. Bfh also gave him their huge dog to take care of with a huge cage inside the living room. It was crazy.
When he was gone for one weekend we entered the apartment and cleaned, repaired and reorganized the place.
When he came back, he was in shock, in a good way. From than on we took the lead, we put together a list of rules for anyone renting a room and it was one person per room only. So he only had two other students living there.
It got a lot better after that, not perfect but better compared to what it was.
It took years for him to finish his studies, but he eventually found something that he liked and is good at it. Arts and photography.
Getting him to find a job was difficult because of contradictory advice from bfh who encouraged him to first finish with his studies than go to work. He is still not done with masters degree, but finally he has a job and not some random photography session which doesn’t pay well.
Things are improving, he is now 30 and many already have families by that age. I guess with Everything he went through, he needed or took his time to see the possible reality of his life. Having his girlfriend also helps, she is still a student, younger, but ambitious and ESS finally realized he is poor, has no steady income and if he continues like this, he doesn’t have much of a future.
This is my experience with 16 to 30 ESS. Easier to breathe now, but I had to let it go years ago.
We had to deal with ESS’s depression, addiction to pain meds and the behavior that went along with this. It was not an easy time.
Bfh had thrown him out of her home and dropped him in front of our house.
At 19 he moved into H’s flat with our full support.
Bfh again took control and told him to do things her way and to keep us out of the apartment.
After that first year on his own, he asked all his roommates to move out, the place was beyond a mess, many things were destroyed and dirty with clothes all over the place. I was shocked, but I wasn’t surprised. We knew things weren’t well, but he kept saying all is good and ignored us, except for shopping and financial support.
He failed school and I have no idea what he was doing all day. Bfh also gave him their huge dog to take care of with a huge cage inside the living room. It was crazy.
When he was gone for one weekend we entered the apartment and cleaned, repaired and reorganized the place.
When he came back, he was in shock, in a good way. From than on we took the lead, we put together a list of rules for anyone renting a room and it was one person per room only. So he only had two other students living there.
It got a lot better after that, not perfect but better compared to what it was.
It took years for him to finish his studies, but he eventually found something that he liked and is good at it. Arts and photography.
Getting him to find a job was difficult because of contradictory advice from bfh who encouraged him to first finish with his studies than go to work. He is still not done with masters degree, but finally he has a job and not some random photography session which doesn’t pay well.
Things are improving, he is now 30 and many already have families by that age. I guess with Everything he went through, he needed or took his time to see the possible reality of his life. Having his girlfriend also helps, she is still a student, younger, but ambitious and ESS finally realized he is poor, has no steady income and if he continues like this, he doesn’t have much of a future.
This is my experience with 16 to 30 ESS. Easier to breathe now, but I had to let it go years ago.
LostinCanada
Member
WOW! That would have been incredibly stressful. And hard to watch someone your partner loves (and you do too) fall apart and muck things up so much. Addiction and depression must be incredibly hard to deal with (my other half had it the first 4.5 years we were together and having gone on medication is finally feeling like a more normal version of himself). Can't imagine what 11 years of it were like. Thats one thing re my ESD, YSD and ESS have managed is to get life in order. Despite them having different mums that hated each other - the elder kids from his ex wife are generally are doing well outside of vaping and drinking too much. And the younger from his ex partner has pretty bad anxiety but a great student and happy generally. It makes my stomach turn a little to think of having to deal with Ex'sFH until kids are 30 though. BOth of his ex's are now in contact with him and its always drama around the kids. I just don't understand why they don't deal with it themselves (although I do now have a good relationship with his ex wife so I don't mind that - the 2nd ex partner is so manipulative its unbelievable - and nowadays since I see most of the comms she is SO incredibly nice and accomodating to my partner and it makes me look like the crazy one - exactly what she did to his ex wife too). Anyways. Glad you got through it. Your partner is one lucky person that you stuck it out!!!
I didn’t have it easy. My partner also had issues with addiction. It was up and down throughout our marriage.
Hopefully he is in a better place now and stays there.
I had to make some hard decisions that basically made our marriage irrelevant. We signed all the documents dividing everything we own and disinherited ourselves.
I finally put my foot down hard and he took it with some difficulty, but held up all that we agreed on, later realizing that he has to either do something or he risks loosing everything. The job, the home, the relationship.
It made me feel better, it honestly did. I can walk out any time.
For what it’s worth, we are both in a better place now.
Not what I had in mind when I married, but it’s better this way.
Hopefully he is in a better place now and stays there.
I had to make some hard decisions that basically made our marriage irrelevant. We signed all the documents dividing everything we own and disinherited ourselves.
I finally put my foot down hard and he took it with some difficulty, but held up all that we agreed on, later realizing that he has to either do something or he risks loosing everything. The job, the home, the relationship.
It made me feel better, it honestly did. I can walk out any time.
For what it’s worth, we are both in a better place now.
Not what I had in mind when I married, but it’s better this way.
LostinCanada
Member
You'be been through a lot Maya - he's lucky to have you!!
I am sorry about the 2nd ex.
H’s ex invited him to stay at her apartment when he came to see his son. They were only spending a day together and than he continued on to Germany. He was on a business trip and everyone know he couldn’t stay overnight. She put YSS up to it.
That passed, but when SSs asked her why she doesn’t want to talk to H, she said it is not the right time yet.
Than I went ballistic and wrote her an email telling her what I think about her behavior, the lawsuit against my DD and that she should stop acting like a slut and instead get her life in order. I also wrote that it is perverse to abuse her children in the way she does and told her to leave my family alone or I will use everything and anything to protect my family against her.
I never heard from her again. I was very stressed at the time, but I had to get back my voice and my dignity. What she was doing was beyond me, I had to speak up or I would loose my sanity.
It was so abusive and bordered on perversion, total disrespect for my marriage and disgusting abuse of her own children and mine.
I had to stop it.
I think if we don’t stop the abuse, we are just as bad.
I showed the letter to H, he wasn’t a fan, I didn’t care, because it was the truth and indirectly I told him what I think of his silence.
Since than SSs were cold to me for a few years, now we have been back to normal for quite a few years. But who knows what was really behind it all.
Her lawyer apologized to me 4 yrs after all the lawsuits when he was my sister’s divorce lawyer.
I just want to add that ESS got off the pills years ago, but still admits he has temptations sometimes. Both H and EFH had issues or alcohol in their families. Bfh’s mother died of alcoholism. H’s mother was a heavy drinker, but only saw her drunk once. Had a high tolerance for it.
My parents did not have an issue with alcohol. But on my father’s side there was a lot of alcoholism.
My great grandfather died of it, my aunt was cured, my brother (half brother - just 3 yrs older than my EDD) was addicted to drugs and alcohol- he is completely clean and successful now, my cousin died of it.
I am a strong believer in standing by our people, my family, H included and supporting him in kicking the habit.
My whole family on my father’s side is. They feel very strongly that people should be helped and held to account.
They really don’t want me to break up with H, they like him a lot and especially my father and him get on. My mother likes him too.
H is not a day to day drinker, but gets drunk once a week or twice.
I couldn’t stand it. I know exactly where it leads.
He is doing much better now and I hope it stays that way.
He is also seeing doctors and I think the report from his psychiatrist was a bit of a shocker too. Very, very harsh and down to the point. He tried to pin it on our fights and she saw right through him. Honesty helps in these cases.
And for some unknown reason I am the one dealing with good people with bad habits and addiction. WTH. Never wanted this, but have met other people, men and women who opened up to me. Many people tell me things. I do too, I guess, but not the really heavy stuff.
That, I discuss with professionals. I have help and work with advisor/life coach.
And so I manage. I can’t stand drugs or alcohol in any shape or form, but I mind my own business and don’t preach to people. I value my mind, it is my tool and I can’t afford to loose it. I have seen firsthand what abuse does to someone’s brain and thinking.
H’s ex invited him to stay at her apartment when he came to see his son. They were only spending a day together and than he continued on to Germany. He was on a business trip and everyone know he couldn’t stay overnight. She put YSS up to it.
That passed, but when SSs asked her why she doesn’t want to talk to H, she said it is not the right time yet.
Than I went ballistic and wrote her an email telling her what I think about her behavior, the lawsuit against my DD and that she should stop acting like a slut and instead get her life in order. I also wrote that it is perverse to abuse her children in the way she does and told her to leave my family alone or I will use everything and anything to protect my family against her.
I never heard from her again. I was very stressed at the time, but I had to get back my voice and my dignity. What she was doing was beyond me, I had to speak up or I would loose my sanity.
It was so abusive and bordered on perversion, total disrespect for my marriage and disgusting abuse of her own children and mine.
I had to stop it.
I think if we don’t stop the abuse, we are just as bad.
I showed the letter to H, he wasn’t a fan, I didn’t care, because it was the truth and indirectly I told him what I think of his silence.
Since than SSs were cold to me for a few years, now we have been back to normal for quite a few years. But who knows what was really behind it all.
Her lawyer apologized to me 4 yrs after all the lawsuits when he was my sister’s divorce lawyer.
I just want to add that ESS got off the pills years ago, but still admits he has temptations sometimes. Both H and EFH had issues or alcohol in their families. Bfh’s mother died of alcoholism. H’s mother was a heavy drinker, but only saw her drunk once. Had a high tolerance for it.
My parents did not have an issue with alcohol. But on my father’s side there was a lot of alcoholism.
My great grandfather died of it, my aunt was cured, my brother (half brother - just 3 yrs older than my EDD) was addicted to drugs and alcohol- he is completely clean and successful now, my cousin died of it.
I am a strong believer in standing by our people, my family, H included and supporting him in kicking the habit.
My whole family on my father’s side is. They feel very strongly that people should be helped and held to account.
They really don’t want me to break up with H, they like him a lot and especially my father and him get on. My mother likes him too.
H is not a day to day drinker, but gets drunk once a week or twice.
I couldn’t stand it. I know exactly where it leads.
He is doing much better now and I hope it stays that way.
He is also seeing doctors and I think the report from his psychiatrist was a bit of a shocker too. Very, very harsh and down to the point. He tried to pin it on our fights and she saw right through him. Honesty helps in these cases.
And for some unknown reason I am the one dealing with good people with bad habits and addiction. WTH. Never wanted this, but have met other people, men and women who opened up to me. Many people tell me things. I do too, I guess, but not the really heavy stuff.
That, I discuss with professionals. I have help and work with advisor/life coach.
And so I manage. I can’t stand drugs or alcohol in any shape or form, but I mind my own business and don’t preach to people. I value my mind, it is my tool and I can’t afford to loose it. I have seen firsthand what abuse does to someone’s brain and thinking.
I keep repeating myself, sorry.
I just wanted to make a point that even very bad situations can be resolved, at times.
H is not a narcissist and isn’t abusive to me when he is at his normal, which is most of the time now.
If you end up with a narcissistic personality things are very different. I believe my ex has the trades and he destroyed me emotionally too often.
My self confidence was low, my ambitions were ignored, he was angry and disrespectful many times. He also has no filters and says what he thinks, at least he used to. Not so much now, life gave him some tough lessons. He had to correct his behavior, but did it to a point.
He was very charming when we met and I really fell for him.
I am glad I am out now, but on friendly terms.
He wasn’t all bad or this wouldn’t be possible, but difficult enough. He is also not evil or spiteful, just had terrible mood swings. BPD just like his mother.
I think you Bfh has both BPD and narcissistic personality. They cannot stand not having things their way, so they can use many and anything against people.
SS is in good hands now!
I just wanted to make a point that even very bad situations can be resolved, at times.
H is not a narcissist and isn’t abusive to me when he is at his normal, which is most of the time now.
If you end up with a narcissistic personality things are very different. I believe my ex has the trades and he destroyed me emotionally too often.
My self confidence was low, my ambitions were ignored, he was angry and disrespectful many times. He also has no filters and says what he thinks, at least he used to. Not so much now, life gave him some tough lessons. He had to correct his behavior, but did it to a point.
He was very charming when we met and I really fell for him.
I am glad I am out now, but on friendly terms.
He wasn’t all bad or this wouldn’t be possible, but difficult enough. He is also not evil or spiteful, just had terrible mood swings. BPD just like his mother.
I think you Bfh has both BPD and narcissistic personality. They cannot stand not having things their way, so they can use many and anything against people.
SS is in good hands now!
LostinCanada
Member
Maya I am so sorry I missed this - after all your sharing. But it was good to read how you stood up to her. It feels cathartic to all them out on the bull**** hey. I have to say I've tried stopping it. I've written a few emails calling the 2ndEFH out and pointing out the games and manipulation don't help her or her child but she ignores them all (she did exactly the same with his ex wife who was the partner before her). Even this weekend we were at a volleyball tournment for his and her daughter and for some reason she invited my partners cousins wife (who he is in the process of divorcing). So hurtful to my partner and just so weird (and weirder the cousins ex wife actually came). My partners said: Hi, this is a surprise, what made you come and watch my daughter? She said 'Your ex invited me'. A few tournaments ago she invited my partners best friend???? She hadn't talked or seen her since we started dating 6 years ago. The weirder thing was: his best friend came (she is female). ANyways my point is I have called her out, I've sent a few firmly worded emails (which my partner too has hated) but she does and will not change. My partner can't stand being around her and when he replies to her emails (he replies to about 1 in every 5 as she still sends so many) he is very short and firm. She continues to keep hassling and harassing but does it in a manner that it would look completely innocent if it ever went to court.
I am dashing out sorry. But also really reallyy appreciate the feedback on the alcohol and drugs issues. I do want to find that happy middle ground of supporting him, not preaching and helping him figure out how unhealthy it all is. He has huge issues in his family too. Ugh gotta dash