Feeling low

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
I dont think people in general understand what its like to be in a 2nd marriage and all the drama that comes with it. I think they brush it off as trivial.
You may be ok if you have a good support network around you but im not fortunate enough to have had that. We are probably out the other side of the worst part of being in a 2nd marriage with stepchildren each. However, it never really goes away.
You only have to look at the Depp v Heard case to see how utterly brutal and heartless people can be towards each other after divorce.
Getting caught in the crossfire of 2 people who absolutely hate each other is not a pleasant experience. And even worse when children are involved.
I firmly believe my stepchildren are the subjects of abuse. I do not state this lightly. Ive read some of the articles here and Ive studied at university level social and abnormal psychology.
The worst form of alienation has been at play in our case. We may now not even live with our stepchildren but the alienation and abuse is worse now than its ever been. H has suffered from depression at his grief and loss with zero support from his mother or anyone on his side of the family.
EFH instead of seeing any realistic positive opportunities in our situation constantly spins a tale of woe, she tells the children they have been abandoned by their father and acts continually like a victim.
She has no common decency, even to answer a simple question in a email. Everything has to be about her and is the upmost of dramas. She resorts to the lowest possible behaviours ive ever seen in a human being. Believe me ive seen it all but I simply cannot understand the psychological damage of a women who acts the way she does. Negative, mean, poisonous and a very bad influence upon her children. She encourages them to bad mouth me regularly. She encourages abusive text messages towards me. Who gets their children involved in hate campaigns? Its a clear sign of a mentally disturbed woman.
People just do not comprehend the damage caused by bullying from an EFH. Its outside of the norm.
 
I am so sorry, and yes these people can be very damaging. And it's a form of control as well. I was also amazed just how low they can stoop and how much nastiness and chaos can be caused.

You have support on here. But I think even with more friends in a new location, people don't always get it. Or want to hear about it. I briefly mentioned something that happened recently to a friend and their reaction was - why do you even think about her?

So they can see it as you harping on about the child's Mother as if you have an axe to grind. Without seeing the disruption. People really don't understand unless they have been there, and can't imagine the levels of disruption and psychological attack.

If you and OH gave up it would still affect you - as he'd still be coping with grief and loss. I had to learn to live life in between the times when SS wasn't here and sadly got to the point where sometimes it was a relief when he'd left - even though I love him being here and have had a good relationship with him historically. That's how the disruption works, he brings the chaos and baggage with him. Messages, news etc. It's not nice for him either being in the middle of that.

And there have been times when I have been very low too and felt I had no control over my own life to any degree at all. It can help to just have time to detach from the whole business and just be you and do something you enjoy doing. It's a bit of escapism maybe but helps temporarily. Other times I'm just exhausted and don't know who I am - but these days I try to detach more and focus on other interests.

I think whatever the distance, your EFH would be like this. OH sometimes used to say - in a way you have to feel sorry for them because they must be very unhappy to behave like that. Maybe that's his way of adapting to it. But no way can I feel sorry for someone who hurts other people as manipulation.

A mediator once said to us - it's just hate. Some people just really hate. But it does make you wonder how they have enough time or mental space in their lives for such hate! Maybe your OH should just call her bluff and ignore things and not contact anyone. They won't expect that. She knows he's desperate for contact with his kids. But he probably can't. So we watch them being led by the nose.

It must be very isolating for you now too.

It sounds like she has alienated the kids against you, but not OH (I get that too). But even so, her alienating behaviours have made the relationship with OH negative as well.

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do to change any of that. And it helps to try and accept that. And then find a way of living that works.

How does your OH react if you behave bright and cheerful as if none of this exists, for a few days? And tell him about all the interesting things you've been doing (a strategy that was once suggested to me in a previous relationship). Does it lift him out of it a bit? Or does he just get grumpy or angry that you are being happy?
 
Just to add - I'm not sure if you get this feeling, but I do at times. That it's all to try and push you out. Bust up your relationship, hope you disappear then they'll all get on fine because OH will do what everyone wants. Or rather they think that. Once the ex or any of her family has taken against you (which happens a lot) they seem to have this motivation to get rid of you (which may have been why they took against you in the first place) so they can keep Dad single again and at everyone's beck and call.

We stand by loyally but get a lot of stray bullets and no back up sometimes.
 
Hi,

Hate, anger and alienation and abuse serves those people a purpose.
It is true that their life may not be the exact bed of roses they want, so anything that isn’t exactly as they pictured it and life never is, is our fault, we shouldn’t exist, it is our partner’s fault, they have no right to move on, even if EFH did and they operate through alienation, lies, manipulation, blackmail, anything they can think of.
Our partners, their ex’s can’t comprehend how the women they had children with can become so evil.
They miss their children and the children are thought not to respect them. They are told their father has abandoned them…, basically everything you mentioned happened in my case too.
It is like a sickness those women have, pathological hate is a big mental issue.

In my case EFH told me through sc that it is all my fault they we’re having a difficult time when moving to Switzerland, the refused to contact their father, we didn’t know where they were staying, were they in school, 15 yrs old ESS was not in school by the way, ESSwas, they didn’t have email and could not call their father only until later.
I had to explain to H that she is in breach of everything and we wrote a letter after finally getting her address that we would be going through embassy to get in touch with children and that at 15 children are obliged to go to school.
She lawyered up, but all the info on children was given to us. Then 5 lawsuits followed. In the end it ended with mediation, she filed a lawsuit against my EDD and that broke me down.
So H gave everything he had to his children, but demanded control and they could not sell the property for the next 10 yrs. We were trying to prevent them from doing something stupid that would leave them with nothing.
Some relationship was re-established with the sons, especially the older one who came back from Switzerland and lived with us for a while. He came back deeply depressed and addicted to painkillers. He had an injury and his mother was supplying very powerful painkillers. We could never reach his doctor. Insane.
YSS was thrown out of 4 schools and than finally finished as an optician, had drug issues, pot is legal in Switzerland.

Soo…, it was all my fault and H’s fault, can’t be her’s. She was the mother of the year, the best of the best…

We are ok now.

The way I survived this, it was incomprehensible to me, was to start to stop thinking about her and the horrible situations.
It was like walking on fire, you can’t look down or you will never come through.
I had to train myself not to think, understand that it servers her purposes and it has nothing to do with logic. You are still looking for logic. There is none.
She has her agenda.
She is a victim.
She was deserted.
She is alone with the children, because their father prefers you to them.
She is a caring human being trying to force your H to comply, because only she knows what is good for her and the children.
She hates you, because you ruined her plans.
She wants to do everything to break you up and make you pay for getting involved into her relationship.

I am a product of EFH, my mother was one, but my father was no father of the year. I will stop here.

When I got married to H, she told SSs in front of me, the bride, that I am nothing to them, they have their own mother. I was shocked, but it was my wedding and I put it out of my mind as one more crazy out of my mother’s mouth.
She later explained to me that H and EFH have their own relationship and I should stay out of it.

By then I had enough and started screaming at her if she thinks I am a whore instead of a wife and how dare she. And a few more things. We had a longer pause in our relationship, but she had accepted both SSs and H into our family.
It was cruel, but she eventually heard me. She is not evil, but has hated my father with a vengeance.

I hope this will help you understand the pathology of those women.
Detach, honestly train yourself to not think about it and maybe try to calm down your H by saying they are safe, that he should persist with contact and that children grow up and make their own decisions.
Don’t stop inviting them over, but send the invitations directly to them. There kind be many disappointments, maybe FaceTime them, anything is better than nothing.

Life is short, but long enough.

Keep your spirits up, tomorrow is another day. And we do snap out of it eventually.
Make a life with H and for yourself. You can’t live in misery.
I have learned to snap out of it relatively fast and it helps.
 
There is no logic thats for sure.
Thanks for responses they really do help. I can see that Im not the only one living the nightmare.
I am usually a happy person. We do our best to make the most of our lives. I just think the underlying sadness will never depart for H. It taints everything. Its like I have to pay for his failed relationships and marriage. Thats the baggage that he brought to our lives.
Its so true that to detach and not give any thought to the situation is helpful. I overcame a huge urge to respond to EFHs verbal diarrhoea last week. I knew that i would be wasting my time. As said, there is no logic. She believes shes doing the right thing. Shes delusional but thats not my problem. I wonder what happens if her plans in her new life dont suit her? She has a new man and step children of her own. She is in our shoes. I imagine she doesnt take the situation lightly.
 
I suggested to H to contact the stepkids and invite them over again. Or to schedule a facetime with them. His response is simply , " theres no point".
H says since he sent the email requesting why the house has not been put on the market and threatening court action his children have not texted him once since that day. A clear indication of further alienation and abuse by including the children (well 18 and 15 are not really children but nevertheless) in her own arguments because she will shout very loudly to anyone who will listen to more of her tales of woe.
In her email responses she says things like, how dare you speak to me that way...you abandoned your children...your wife is a blah blah blah. Another indication that shes rattled by the mere suggestion that we take control of our lives in order to move forward. Something she is incapable of doing .
 
You have to take control of your lives. The children may not respond, I emailed EFH and told her exactly what I think of her and did it without swearing and forbade her to contact me or H again. I used some strong descriptions, but kept it short and told her I am keeping all the proof, so if she ever comes after my family, she will be dealing with me directly.

It worked. You cannot let the bully win. Get the house sold, your H should show her and his children that he has a spine.

I was ignored for a few years, but they know I won’t let anyone insult me or take advantage of me. We get along now.

My H got more respect afterwards too, eventually. He was not viewed as a looser any more. Children need that.
I know the one thing that bothered his sons the most, was that he didn’t stand up to his brothers and sisters and let them bully him.
The son lives in the house with them and all his rights have been taken away from him, because he is alone there with not enough support.

I hope my H and your H find enough self respect to do what they need to do.

Tell him that eventually the children will have more respect for him if he finally takes care of business the way he should.

I know it is hard to hear, but in the end, we both need to tell them to man up. Nicely.

And I understand it is difficult, through engagement he will also slip out of his depression.

You don’t have a marriage issue, even though you do, but know that outside factors are involved.
In our case families, in other cases illness, accidents, death. Death of children - my grandsons friend and family’s friends son was buried yesterday. He died of a very aggressive brain tumor a few months before turning 5. Last I heard he was looking forward to returning to kindergarten, not that long ago, that seizures started and it was over quite soon.
We cannot imagine how that feels.
I found out as I was calling to invite my family over for lunch. I had a very difficult day.

We are ok, trust me.
 
Yes thank you. I am very well aware of the suffering that life brings. Ive had my fair share and I do actually know how that feels.
Im glad you found your way through and managed to find the higher ground.
 
I am sorry, I didn’t want to sound like the know it all, I have it handled. Far from it.
I was under the impression of the funeral and have basically been crying on and off for two days.
I don’t have everything handled, I have issues, H has issues, we have issues that I am having a hard time talking about. Depression and anxiety are one of those and disappointments.
I tried to be positive in a very difficult situation. I have had too many people leave this place prematurely at a young age and can’t handle it very well.

So higher ground, maybe sometimes, some normalcy, but life throws its challenges at me all the time. And when I feel like I have finally overcome something, something else comes my way, like a game 1. level, 2….
 
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