This is a well known thing but is slightly different when you're a step parent and the stepkids aren't around any more. Our partner may be missing the kids and going through empty nest syndrome, but for some stepmums it can be a relief - but also leave a void. Whether you loved or got on with your stepchildren or not, it can be a relief from years of hectic schedules and comings and goings - but also leave a bit of a gap.
In some ways our partners have had empty nest syndrome for years anyway - because the kids come and go. We've had to cope with them being maudlin when the kids are away and then so happy when they're there that you can feel ignored. For us as well, it can feel like losing a role, when those little kids are now big kids and don't need us in the same way. You can feel a bit redundant - even if it wasn't all plain sailing.
It gives us more time to think and wonder - what is my life now? Maybe there are just the two of you when the kids are away at college or left home - chance to be a couple again. Or maybe someone's grief is getting in the way of that. Because for a separated Dad and stepmum, when the kids have left home or are away, it ;s not quite the same as a regular family where you get to see them and have them home for Christmas etc. A time when they find it more tricky than before to get to see both parents enough. So you can start to feel like you're retired babysitters.
And have used up a lot of yourselves over the years. But it can also leave an emptiness and a rift. I think this must be very similar to empty nest syndrome generally and maybe the same "fixes" apply. Finding something new for yourself or as a couple. Starting a new way of life.
Not feeling as needed any more can leave an emptiness and wondering what we used to be like before we ended up in a maelstrom of stepfamilies, court cases, other parents and so on.
When SS was growing up I think I lived on stress and adrenaline for years - lurching from one crisis to the next. The chopping and changing of schedules, the legal battles, the ex battles, the constant psychological warfare at times, worrying about the child being stressed in the middle of this. And this strange stop/start life - one life when he was there and a different life when he wasn't.
The one safe haven throughout those years was a place, like this one, - where other people know exactly what you mean and understand the situations. No-one understands like other second wives and stepmums.
Some may have their own children who have left home as well but that can still feel like a divide between you and your partner as you have the closer bond.
But things can get stuck too. In a kind of limbo way. Especially if a Dad just can't handle life without the kids around and has missed out so much on them growing up at times. I guess that's a time when things either get better or worse in a relationship - or just get confusing - but we maybe have to take the bull by the horns sometimes and make the changes to get things back on track.
On the other hand if your partner doesn't help himself then the only option is to look at your own self care and build a life for yourself and have new hobbies and interests maybe. But there may still be a sense of something missing.
Many people, at various times in life, can have that empty spot or feeling like there is something missing, and not quite be able to put their finger on it.
For me it was after my second parent died - I still haven't quite found who I am now, now I'm no longer a daughter, mostly irrelevant as a step parent and daily life and routine has changed.
At the back of all that, our adult friends are important. Getting back in touch with old friends can be good. Maybe having a reunion of school friends. I had a reunion of nurses a few years back - it just made me feel very old ha ha! From when we were all student nurses. There was only me, and one other (gay) who hadn't had children. I felt like I didn't really relate as they were all Mothers. Reunions are also strange things. Once you've done it once, how many times can you keep going over the same old memories and funny stories without running out of things to say?
I think it's about starting a new life basically, rather than looking back. Forging new things. We're not 18 any more - we have gained things in life - but it's just working out what those things were!
If I try and think about that - what skills did I gain from being a stepmum for years before the child became a teen? The only thing I can think of is that I got good at making birthday cakes - with practice! I used to never be good at making cakes. But I applied myself - and now it's a piece of cake
I got good at being thrifty - buying and selling childrens clothes on ebay. It was a bit time consuming though.
I got good at not putting myself first. And I think that is where that empty feeling and gap comes when the house is quieiter - we have forgotten how to think about ourselves after helping others for years. I think this is more so for a second wife and step parent, because we weren't just having kids to look after, we had a partner to support more than most women have to - sometimes a partner who has been in and out of court for years.
Then when it comes to give back time - everyone is burned out. So is that it? More than just empty nest step parent syndrome - is it burn out as well?
An all encompassing term for all sorts. The article below gives some strategies for recovering from "burnout" and some of it is common sense - diet , exercise, doing things that make us happy. But maybe we need to not do this alone.
I know of a Social Worker who deals with very emotionally intensive cases, and she goes abroad on yoga retreats regularly to keep in balance and have a break from the pressures. Maybe that is part of the road ahead - if things go quiet and we're at a crossroads. Whether it's a health spa break or a health retreat holiday - just doing all the things that make us feel healthy, happy and caring for ourselves for a week - or actually being "looked after" for a week if the food is provided. More than a holiday, but somewhere to have that mental space where it isn't too quiet. And maybe even make some new friends.
My "fix all" always used to be "go travelling". It's what I did after my divorce in my late thirties. I got the travel bug. I miss it! It was one advantage of being single and no ties. But things change and I wouldn't want some of the discomfort of that now.
Anyway - is it second wife empty nest syndrome (or our partner's empty nest syndrome), is it burn out, or is it time to just remember who we were before we got involved with a man with children who had another parent (particularly if that other parent was a nightmare for years or an EFH).
health.clevelandclinic.org
In some ways our partners have had empty nest syndrome for years anyway - because the kids come and go. We've had to cope with them being maudlin when the kids are away and then so happy when they're there that you can feel ignored. For us as well, it can feel like losing a role, when those little kids are now big kids and don't need us in the same way. You can feel a bit redundant - even if it wasn't all plain sailing.
It gives us more time to think and wonder - what is my life now? Maybe there are just the two of you when the kids are away at college or left home - chance to be a couple again. Or maybe someone's grief is getting in the way of that. Because for a separated Dad and stepmum, when the kids have left home or are away, it ;s not quite the same as a regular family where you get to see them and have them home for Christmas etc. A time when they find it more tricky than before to get to see both parents enough. So you can start to feel like you're retired babysitters.
And have used up a lot of yourselves over the years. But it can also leave an emptiness and a rift. I think this must be very similar to empty nest syndrome generally and maybe the same "fixes" apply. Finding something new for yourself or as a couple. Starting a new way of life.
Not feeling as needed any more can leave an emptiness and wondering what we used to be like before we ended up in a maelstrom of stepfamilies, court cases, other parents and so on.
When SS was growing up I think I lived on stress and adrenaline for years - lurching from one crisis to the next. The chopping and changing of schedules, the legal battles, the ex battles, the constant psychological warfare at times, worrying about the child being stressed in the middle of this. And this strange stop/start life - one life when he was there and a different life when he wasn't.
The one safe haven throughout those years was a place, like this one, - where other people know exactly what you mean and understand the situations. No-one understands like other second wives and stepmums.
Some may have their own children who have left home as well but that can still feel like a divide between you and your partner as you have the closer bond.
But things can get stuck too. In a kind of limbo way. Especially if a Dad just can't handle life without the kids around and has missed out so much on them growing up at times. I guess that's a time when things either get better or worse in a relationship - or just get confusing - but we maybe have to take the bull by the horns sometimes and make the changes to get things back on track.
On the other hand if your partner doesn't help himself then the only option is to look at your own self care and build a life for yourself and have new hobbies and interests maybe. But there may still be a sense of something missing.
Many people, at various times in life, can have that empty spot or feeling like there is something missing, and not quite be able to put their finger on it.
For me it was after my second parent died - I still haven't quite found who I am now, now I'm no longer a daughter, mostly irrelevant as a step parent and daily life and routine has changed.
At the back of all that, our adult friends are important. Getting back in touch with old friends can be good. Maybe having a reunion of school friends. I had a reunion of nurses a few years back - it just made me feel very old ha ha! From when we were all student nurses. There was only me, and one other (gay) who hadn't had children. I felt like I didn't really relate as they were all Mothers. Reunions are also strange things. Once you've done it once, how many times can you keep going over the same old memories and funny stories without running out of things to say?
I think it's about starting a new life basically, rather than looking back. Forging new things. We're not 18 any more - we have gained things in life - but it's just working out what those things were!
If I try and think about that - what skills did I gain from being a stepmum for years before the child became a teen? The only thing I can think of is that I got good at making birthday cakes - with practice! I used to never be good at making cakes. But I applied myself - and now it's a piece of cake
I got good at being thrifty - buying and selling childrens clothes on ebay. It was a bit time consuming though.
I got good at not putting myself first. And I think that is where that empty feeling and gap comes when the house is quieiter - we have forgotten how to think about ourselves after helping others for years. I think this is more so for a second wife and step parent, because we weren't just having kids to look after, we had a partner to support more than most women have to - sometimes a partner who has been in and out of court for years.
Then when it comes to give back time - everyone is burned out. So is that it? More than just empty nest step parent syndrome - is it burn out as well?
An all encompassing term for all sorts. The article below gives some strategies for recovering from "burnout" and some of it is common sense - diet , exercise, doing things that make us happy. But maybe we need to not do this alone.
I know of a Social Worker who deals with very emotionally intensive cases, and she goes abroad on yoga retreats regularly to keep in balance and have a break from the pressures. Maybe that is part of the road ahead - if things go quiet and we're at a crossroads. Whether it's a health spa break or a health retreat holiday - just doing all the things that make us feel healthy, happy and caring for ourselves for a week - or actually being "looked after" for a week if the food is provided. More than a holiday, but somewhere to have that mental space where it isn't too quiet. And maybe even make some new friends.
My "fix all" always used to be "go travelling". It's what I did after my divorce in my late thirties. I got the travel bug. I miss it! It was one advantage of being single and no ties. But things change and I wouldn't want some of the discomfort of that now.
Anyway - is it second wife empty nest syndrome (or our partner's empty nest syndrome), is it burn out, or is it time to just remember who we were before we got involved with a man with children who had another parent (particularly if that other parent was a nightmare for years or an EFH).
12 Ways To Recover From Burnout
Learn about the six steps of burnout recovery and 12 strategies for improving your physical, mental and emotional health.
health.clevelandclinic.org