We do, we are flexible and of they don’t come, we see them when we see them.
As years go by, I have noticed that they do come of their own accord.
SSs are all grown up and it is now up to them. EFH of course chooses Christmas Eve for herself, so they usually come for lunch or next day.
We don’t have fallouts at the table and if they don’t show up, I just put the leftovers in the fridge and make something next day.
Coming from a divorced family this dynamic is very familiar and it was often accompanied by fallouts, so to keep things “light”, we are flexible on the dates.
When I was younger, I wish my mother would just stay at home and not meet with my father. She was so hateful and mean sometimes, I tried to cover it up in front of my father and stepmother, who often elected not to come and has said to me when they were here, that she cannot stand my mother’s hate any more and pretend.
I was glad my mother stayed away this time. We had fun and my mother didn’t bring her bitterness with her.
Sometimes I wish I could help her. Some years ago she admitted that her own hate was extremely destructive to her, not just us. But she can’t help herself, she has been living as a victim for decades and will not change now.
She never remarried or had a friend and stayed single.
We had a big fight when I got divorced and she told me (I was 32), that I have to live like her in solitary. She would not watch my kids, so I basically couldn’t date while they were small. She never approved of me dating and going out, she was creating her own prison for me.
This has nothing to do Christmas, but it just shows some background thinking of bitter ex wives.
Tbh, my father was not the father of the year, he made many mistakes, divorcé really hurt her and she was ashamed about her status as a single mother. Very old fashioned, but those were the times. She never got past it. Her father was also very old fashioned and couldn’t even look at my father once they were divorced. He was so angry at him, so you can imagine my mother had no support in that sense from him.
So I think anger and bitterness over the loss of family, status and also shame could be a partially an underlying cause for EFH.
My mother is a good person, but has issues. It is never easy for us children. I wish well to all our family including stepmom.
My sister is different, after her divorce she became even more angry at my father, he lives far away and couldn’t support her or protect her in the situation she was dealing with.
Hopefully, at one point she will also find some peace. She has a new partner, but also new issues as we all do.
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk