I am a new member. I joined because of this thread re: childless step parents.
www.secondwivesandstepmums.com
My 12 year ‘unexplained’ infertility ended in divorce when I was 45.
I buried my deeply distraught SELF in my work & the marriage suffered over time & we became estranged. My husband then had an affair & impregnated the young woman the first time he had sex with her.
I remarried later to a Single dad with two young / early teenagers & my relationship with my step daughter was non-reciprocal (she liked how I made her feel & what I did for her). The bio mum left & enjoyed a child-free new relationship (she had not wanted children when she married & struggles with motherhood after she’s later changed her mind & had two). I am sure that bio Mum did love her children but sadly did the bare minimum to show that. The bio mums behaviour was extremely sel-absorbed, selfish & self-centred.. she died in 2011 when her daughter was 22 & Son 20.
My OH always said that his ex would have had a really good relationship with her kids when they were older.. the kids did not receive the affection & nurture they needed from their bio mum when they were little & bio Mum left when they were 12 & 10.
My SS bonded & attached immediately. My SD ‘seemed to’ attach but post the relocation, house move & wedding things very quickly changed. SD became distant, detached & any ‘true sense’ of family was doomed thereafter, regardless of my continued love & commitment to my new marital-family.
My OH persistently avoided & denied the true state of the family dynamics - I think that our life together was so much better than anything that he had had previously so my distress & my need for him to take action fell on deaf ears.
The relationship with my SD ended at the end of 2018 (16 years on)
I had been ‘teetering’ on the edge of a nervous breakdown for quite some time & had a breakdown at the end of 2018. Due to some medical issues I very quickly afterwards experienced PTSD & was very unwell for 3 years afterwards. I have benefitted from trauma therapy & counselling & am on medication for anxiety & PTSD.
I have been estranged.from my SD for 3.5 years.
We don’t align in values, personality or standards of behaviour. I come from a warm, loving & deeply connected family which my two step children have fully availed themselves of..and benefitted immensely from.
Ironic that what I sought to replicate from my bio family within my step family - could never happen.
To ANY OF YOU who truly want to be a Mother AND can have your own bio kid - DO IT!! Do it while you can!
The love, attachment & bond to a loving & connected bio mum is unbreakable - and often unbreakable where the bio mum is barely adequate!
Your step kids are just young humans that through no choice of theirs - you got to parent.. they will rarely truly love & care about you in the true sense of family..
My much-loved SS lives overseas. I see him rarely. He is the closest thing to my natural born child.. he finds himself ‘caught’ between his sister & me NOT a place I would want for him..
Blended families are a myth - the new hybrid ‘family’ merely gets put through the blender & bleeds either internally or externally..
Family counselling ‘up front’ with all stake holders should be mandatory so that devastated kids do not have to ‘bend over backwards’ for the angry / hurting adults!
If I had read the books & seen the stats I would NOT have got into this marital family-setup without professional help.
I advise ALL childless friends contemplating long term relations with a man with kids - ‘know’ what you are getting into (a ‘thinly-veiled’ war zone) & step back & let the bio parents ‘figure it out’ - it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - it’s their kids & THEIR BUSINESS NOT YOURS!
Expect nothing & you will be lucky to get that! More likely you will be insidiously undermined, covertly undervalued, judged & blamed, punished & used.
My beautiful friends, international travels & working with underprivileged kids gives my life immense value, beauty, meaning & purpose.
![www.secondwivesandstepmums.com](https://www.secondwivesandstepmums.com/data/assets/logo/SWASmetadataicon200x200png.png)
Being a Childless Stepmum
This is something that I have got used to over the years, but every now and then it can make me feel like I don't fit into the world somehow. My OH has a son who is my stepson and who I've been involved with for many years. He is growing up now, and due to EFH not following the court order any...
![www.secondwivesandstepmums.com](https://www.secondwivesandstepmums.com/data/assets/logo/android-chrome-192x192.png)
My 12 year ‘unexplained’ infertility ended in divorce when I was 45.
I buried my deeply distraught SELF in my work & the marriage suffered over time & we became estranged. My husband then had an affair & impregnated the young woman the first time he had sex with her.
I remarried later to a Single dad with two young / early teenagers & my relationship with my step daughter was non-reciprocal (she liked how I made her feel & what I did for her). The bio mum left & enjoyed a child-free new relationship (she had not wanted children when she married & struggles with motherhood after she’s later changed her mind & had two). I am sure that bio Mum did love her children but sadly did the bare minimum to show that. The bio mums behaviour was extremely sel-absorbed, selfish & self-centred.. she died in 2011 when her daughter was 22 & Son 20.
My OH always said that his ex would have had a really good relationship with her kids when they were older.. the kids did not receive the affection & nurture they needed from their bio mum when they were little & bio Mum left when they were 12 & 10.
My SS bonded & attached immediately. My SD ‘seemed to’ attach but post the relocation, house move & wedding things very quickly changed. SD became distant, detached & any ‘true sense’ of family was doomed thereafter, regardless of my continued love & commitment to my new marital-family.
My OH persistently avoided & denied the true state of the family dynamics - I think that our life together was so much better than anything that he had had previously so my distress & my need for him to take action fell on deaf ears.
The relationship with my SD ended at the end of 2018 (16 years on)
I had been ‘teetering’ on the edge of a nervous breakdown for quite some time & had a breakdown at the end of 2018. Due to some medical issues I very quickly afterwards experienced PTSD & was very unwell for 3 years afterwards. I have benefitted from trauma therapy & counselling & am on medication for anxiety & PTSD.
I have been estranged.from my SD for 3.5 years.
We don’t align in values, personality or standards of behaviour. I come from a warm, loving & deeply connected family which my two step children have fully availed themselves of..and benefitted immensely from.
Ironic that what I sought to replicate from my bio family within my step family - could never happen.
To ANY OF YOU who truly want to be a Mother AND can have your own bio kid - DO IT!! Do it while you can!
The love, attachment & bond to a loving & connected bio mum is unbreakable - and often unbreakable where the bio mum is barely adequate!
Your step kids are just young humans that through no choice of theirs - you got to parent.. they will rarely truly love & care about you in the true sense of family..
My much-loved SS lives overseas. I see him rarely. He is the closest thing to my natural born child.. he finds himself ‘caught’ between his sister & me NOT a place I would want for him..
Blended families are a myth - the new hybrid ‘family’ merely gets put through the blender & bleeds either internally or externally..
Family counselling ‘up front’ with all stake holders should be mandatory so that devastated kids do not have to ‘bend over backwards’ for the angry / hurting adults!
If I had read the books & seen the stats I would NOT have got into this marital family-setup without professional help.
I advise ALL childless friends contemplating long term relations with a man with kids - ‘know’ what you are getting into (a ‘thinly-veiled’ war zone) & step back & let the bio parents ‘figure it out’ - it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - it’s their kids & THEIR BUSINESS NOT YOURS!
Expect nothing & you will be lucky to get that! More likely you will be insidiously undermined, covertly undervalued, judged & blamed, punished & used.
My beautiful friends, international travels & working with underprivileged kids gives my life immense value, beauty, meaning & purpose.
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