Childless Stepmum

[Healed616]

I am a new member. I joined because of this thread re: childless step parents.

Being a Childless Stepmum

This is something that I have got used to over the years, but every now and then it can make me feel like I don't fit into the world somehow. My OH has a son who is my stepson and who I've been involved with for many years. He is growing up now, and due to EFH not following the court order any...

www.secondwivesandstepmums.com

My 12 year ‘unexplained’ infertility ended in divorce when I was 45.

I buried my deeply distraught SELF in my work & the marriage suffered over time & we became estranged. My husband then had an affair & impregnated the young woman the first time he had sex with her.

I remarried later to a Single dad with two young / early teenagers & my relationship with my step daughter was non-reciprocal (she liked how I made her feel & what I did for her). The bio mum left & enjoyed a child-free new relationship (she had not wanted children when she married & struggles with motherhood after she’s later changed her mind & had two). I am sure that bio Mum did love her children but sadly did the bare minimum to show that. The bio mums behaviour was extremely sel-absorbed, selfish & self-centred.. she died in 2011 when her daughter was 22 & Son 20.

My OH always said that his ex would have had a really good relationship with her kids when they were older.. the kids did not receive the affection & nurture they needed from their bio mum when they were little & bio Mum left when they were 12 & 10.

My SS bonded & attached immediately. My SD ‘seemed to’ attach but post the relocation, house move & wedding things very quickly changed. SD became distant, detached & any ‘true sense’ of family was doomed thereafter, regardless of my continued love & commitment to my new marital-family.

My OH persistently avoided & denied the true state of the family dynamics - I think that our life together was so much better than anything that he had had previously so my distress & my need for him to take action fell on deaf ears.

The relationship with my SD ended at the end of 2018 (16 years on)

I had been ‘teetering’ on the edge of a nervous breakdown for quite some time & had a breakdown at the end of 2018. Due to some medical issues I very quickly afterwards experienced PTSD & was very unwell for 3 years afterwards. I have benefitted from trauma therapy & counselling & am on medication for anxiety & PTSD.

I have been estranged.from my SD for 3.5 years.

We don’t align in values, personality or standards of behaviour. I come from a warm, loving & deeply connected family which my two step children have fully availed themselves of..and benefitted immensely from.

Ironic that what I sought to replicate from my bio family within my step family - could never happen.

To ANY OF YOU who truly want to be a Mother AND can have your own bio kid - DO IT!! Do it while you can!

The love, attachment & bond to a loving & connected bio mum is unbreakable - and often unbreakable where the bio mum is barely adequate!
Your step kids are just young humans that through no choice of theirs - you got to parent.. they will rarely truly love & care about you in the true sense of family..

My much-loved SS lives overseas. I see him rarely. He is the closest thing to my natural born child.. he finds himself ‘caught’ between his sister & me NOT a place I would want for him..

Blended families are a myth - the new hybrid ‘family’ merely gets put through the blender & bleeds either internally or externally..
Family counselling ‘up front’ with all stake holders should be mandatory so that devastated kids do not have to ‘bend over backwards’ for the angry / hurting adults!

If I had read the books & seen the stats I would NOT have got into this marital family-setup without professional help.

I advise ALL childless friends contemplating long term relations with a man with kids - ‘know’ what you are getting into (a ‘thinly-veiled’ war zone) & step back & let the bio parents ‘figure it out’ - it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - it’s their kids & THEIR BUSINESS NOT YOURS!
Expect nothing & you will be lucky to get that! More likely you will be insidiously undermined, covertly undervalued, judged & blamed, punished & used.

My beautiful friends, international travels & working with underprivileged kids gives my life immense value, beauty, meaning & purpose.

 

[Esme]

Hello and Welcome. You have come to the right place and have already shared very useful advice and tips for others . That must have been devastating when your ex H had an affair. I can relate to that. It is interesting that, even when the BM wasn't on the scene, your stepdaughter, still didn't form a good relationship with you. Was she the older one? There could be some deep psychological factors there, about her lack of relationship with BM as well, that may not have been personal to you perhaps. But point taken that your SD didn't form a bond with you, and sounded distant, but your SS (presumably younger), did. It's heartwarming to read that your SS bonded with you immediately . A shame your OH was just enjoying a better life and deaf to your needs. And I think some men can be like that after re-marriage.

I am so sorry you have had such an incredibly hard time and I think PTSD is something a lot of Stepmums can be prone to, sometimes without even realising it. It seems it all happened at once in 2018 - the relationship with SD breaking, down and the PTSD. I'm very glad you had help with counselling. It can be a huge support when we are rock bottom. You have been through so much, and yet are here

I can also relate to expectations - if that's the right word - of having coming from a warm loving family and trying to create that with stepchildren and feeling your family with them will be like your own family - or at least showing that side of things and hoping it will shape the stepkids. But their different backgrounds and personalities seemed to have prevented that from happening. It can be heartbreaking when you just want a close, happy family and are met with coldness or detachment and your good values don't rub off on them, no matter how hard you try.

To ANY OF YOU who truly want to be a Mother AND can have your own bio kid - DO IT!! Do it while you can!

per cent

I wouldn't worry about your SS. He is grown up now and will have acquired strengths from you and your bond, that you may not fully realise, and I am sure he can negotiate two different relationships as many people have to do. He is old enough not to take sides.

My beautiful friends, international travels & working with underprivileged kids gives my life immense value, beauty, meaning & purpose.

I am sure a lot of second wives and stepmums can relate to your last but one paragraph. Although for some of us, this comes from a hostile BM being involved and trying to manipulate your partner and turn the kids against you. But it seems this kind of thing can happen even without a BM on the scene.

How are things with your OH now the kids have grown up? It sounds like he could have been more support to you. I think this is an issue some other stepmums find - that their OH likes having a wife and partner, but puts their relationship with the children first and doesn't see you as a family, but themselves as a parent and you as "useful". So a lot comes down to the relationship as well, but I am sure there were some happy times?

It sounds like you went through empty nest syndrome as well. Thank you so much for sharing - I am sure there are many women struggling with these issues and I hope you will continue to share with us - we all need to stick together!

 

[Maya]

I believe I had PTSD too, but was never diagnosed. 5 lawsuits from EFH and cold shoulders from SSs that lasted 2-3 years and a lot of sorrow, a severely damaged relationship with my H and falling I’ll, did me in.
I was put on meds too, and finally diagnosed, physical illness.

I also decreased a beloved in some sort of Brady bunch, having a very civil and friendly relationship with my exh and his now exw, including his children and of coarse my DDs.

I never expected to be dragged through courts, I never expected to the the object of so much hate and blame, I never expected in-laws that wanted me out of the family, kept me throughout the lawsuits, I was doing most of the filings and communication with lawyers…, than I knew too much and who knows what else the concocted.

The best gift you have given yourself is helping underprivileged children.
I found this forum and received a lot of help. Knowing I was not crazy and the only one that this was happening to has made a huge difference to me. I had to emotionally detach from SSs in a way I don’t dislike them and can have a civil conversation and even some fun. But that is years later.
Things change, your SD may or may not come back, you have to let her go, she had made her own choices it seems.
Your SS regardless of his sister will likely stay close to you. Children need stability and family no matter the age. We all need support.

Same as you H ignored the issues, when we talked he just told me it’s difficult enough and his kids will do fine. I don’t think he had a choice, he had no control and had to believe they will be fine, regardless of what was going on and a lot was going on. Then I have my own girls that need their mother and there were times when I feel like I could have done better, but I was so preoccupied with all other issues. I still feel I have missed out on my girls and should have been there for them more.
H said it’s in the past and it all turned out ok, but he doesn’t know that my girls had postnatal depression, abortion and it was very difficult. I wasn’t there enough, I could have prevented some of it. The daughter that was so desperate and afraid at the time married the man who she was pregnant with. I have my regrets and she is still a bit sad sometimes, but now doing well.

So life brings us a lot of challenges and going from a dreamy woman in love, full of hopes and plans crashed. Not all was bad, but many things were simply too difficult, the main issue being the lack of support from my H. At one point he decided it wasn’t worth it any more, that was after 5 lawsuits. I could understand or accept and was trying to make my marriage work. It’s still a work in progress with a lot of hiccups.

I have taken up life coaching and have been doing a bit better, but that is pretty recent. I will see how it goes.
At one point relatively recently I realized I want a better future, I don’t have forever.

 

[Esme]

I think I have PTSD too!

 

[Maya]

Apologies for all the faulty grammar. I didn’t read it before I posted it.