This is something that I have got used to over the years, but every now and then it can make me feel like I don't fit into the world somehow. My OH has a son who is my stepson and who I've been involved with for many years. He is growing up now, and due to EFH not following the court order any more (clearly the plan was to wait until it's too late to enforce an order, when court cases are taking a year or more), he is here less than before.
So I had to get used to finding new things to do in life and starting new projects. As a teenager he has his own life quite a lot as well. So it was a combination of - teen growing up and not feeling needed any more. And also him just not being here as much to feel like we still had a family life.
Anyway. There have been moments, over the years, where I feel like I am somehow less important. Stepmums can feel like that anyway. But particularly as I haven't got children of my own. This isn't my own lack of self esteem but sometimes a subtle thing in other peoples attitudes. They can somehow less respectful of you because you don't have that status of being a parent. I've even had people tell me SS isn't my family (many people don't understand about step parenting at all). So it comes down to - lack of status. You're some kind of oddball category that people can't put into a box.
Most of the time I just get on with life, but there have been moments when I realised I would never be a grandmother or have grandchildren and no children around when I am old. SS may possibly be, but who knows. And even if he gets married and has grandchildren I can see we would not be a big part of the picture. EFH would continue to be an EFH! I can't quite imagine that - SS getting married and having children. If he did, it would be a long way off probably.
These are things you can live with. There are other things in life. Hobbies, pets, your home life. Friends from a distance to chat with. But the one other thing that it sometimes makes you think about is - when you go, there is no one to remember you. That might sound a bit maudlin and clearly some people will remember you, but you won't be remembered down the generations, by children and grandchildren.
So in my case, I always wanted to have children. I had some infertility issues, then ended up divorced. I didn't feel I could have a child on my own with some random man, and wasn't in a financial position to do that either. By the time I was in a serious relationship again it was too late. I would say to anyone now - get your eggs frozen. I did try - but they wouldn't do it once you were over 40.
So with OH, we did have a good go at seeing if I'd get pregnant before I hit menopause, but it didn't happen. Once I had the menopause, I accepted it was never going to happen.
Most of the time I don't even think about it any more, but it's surprising how many other people do. Relatives who say - it must be hard never having had children. Although they mean well it's kind of annoying to think they feel sorry for you,
But the one time it really hit me was a couple of years ago when my Dad died. My Mum had died a couple of years before. But then when my Dad died there was this feeling of being alone and no family. I reached out to some distant relatives to make sure I still existed! I have my own family of course - OH and SS. But I am not a parent. OH is a parent and I'm not, so although we are a couple and a little family when SS is here, it does put you in different boxes.
That is something a lot of stepmums find unless or until they have children of their own.
So this is just a contemplation of what it is likely to be childless, when it wasn't your choice in life. Some women do choose to be childless, for various reasons, and that's fine. It's about having choice though.
I'm not unhappy - it's something that has become normal for me. But I am aware I have less family in my life. I see others chatting daily by Whatsapp with their adult children and can see they are happy for that added dimension in life, and more people to love. OH and I did talk about fostering and adopting at one time, but life was too crazy with years of court cases and EFH issues, and moving house and juggling ageing parents.
I have pets instead
Pets are great for that - something to nurture.
So because I had no children, I made it a mission to be a committed stepmum and a great stepmum. I think I achieved that. I made huge sacrifices along the way. Emotional, financial, careerwise (as in no career!). I cared and I put SS first. That of course brought it's own problems. Jealousy and hatred from EFH. I was so naive at first. I thought she would be glad of a stepmum who looked after a child well, but apparently not. Anyway, as many of us know. If there is a very hostile ex in the background, nothing you do would be right - whether you were a good stepmum or whether you ignored the child.
And now I have empty nest syndrome! I am just thankful for my pets.
So I had to get used to finding new things to do in life and starting new projects. As a teenager he has his own life quite a lot as well. So it was a combination of - teen growing up and not feeling needed any more. And also him just not being here as much to feel like we still had a family life.
Anyway. There have been moments, over the years, where I feel like I am somehow less important. Stepmums can feel like that anyway. But particularly as I haven't got children of my own. This isn't my own lack of self esteem but sometimes a subtle thing in other peoples attitudes. They can somehow less respectful of you because you don't have that status of being a parent. I've even had people tell me SS isn't my family (many people don't understand about step parenting at all). So it comes down to - lack of status. You're some kind of oddball category that people can't put into a box.
Most of the time I just get on with life, but there have been moments when I realised I would never be a grandmother or have grandchildren and no children around when I am old. SS may possibly be, but who knows. And even if he gets married and has grandchildren I can see we would not be a big part of the picture. EFH would continue to be an EFH! I can't quite imagine that - SS getting married and having children. If he did, it would be a long way off probably.
These are things you can live with. There are other things in life. Hobbies, pets, your home life. Friends from a distance to chat with. But the one other thing that it sometimes makes you think about is - when you go, there is no one to remember you. That might sound a bit maudlin and clearly some people will remember you, but you won't be remembered down the generations, by children and grandchildren.
So in my case, I always wanted to have children. I had some infertility issues, then ended up divorced. I didn't feel I could have a child on my own with some random man, and wasn't in a financial position to do that either. By the time I was in a serious relationship again it was too late. I would say to anyone now - get your eggs frozen. I did try - but they wouldn't do it once you were over 40.
So with OH, we did have a good go at seeing if I'd get pregnant before I hit menopause, but it didn't happen. Once I had the menopause, I accepted it was never going to happen.
Most of the time I don't even think about it any more, but it's surprising how many other people do. Relatives who say - it must be hard never having had children. Although they mean well it's kind of annoying to think they feel sorry for you,
But the one time it really hit me was a couple of years ago when my Dad died. My Mum had died a couple of years before. But then when my Dad died there was this feeling of being alone and no family. I reached out to some distant relatives to make sure I still existed! I have my own family of course - OH and SS. But I am not a parent. OH is a parent and I'm not, so although we are a couple and a little family when SS is here, it does put you in different boxes.
That is something a lot of stepmums find unless or until they have children of their own.
So this is just a contemplation of what it is likely to be childless, when it wasn't your choice in life. Some women do choose to be childless, for various reasons, and that's fine. It's about having choice though.
I'm not unhappy - it's something that has become normal for me. But I am aware I have less family in my life. I see others chatting daily by Whatsapp with their adult children and can see they are happy for that added dimension in life, and more people to love. OH and I did talk about fostering and adopting at one time, but life was too crazy with years of court cases and EFH issues, and moving house and juggling ageing parents.
I have pets instead
Pets are great for that - something to nurture.So because I had no children, I made it a mission to be a committed stepmum and a great stepmum. I think I achieved that. I made huge sacrifices along the way. Emotional, financial, careerwise (as in no career!). I cared and I put SS first. That of course brought it's own problems. Jealousy and hatred from EFH. I was so naive at first. I thought she would be glad of a stepmum who looked after a child well, but apparently not. Anyway, as many of us know. If there is a very hostile ex in the background, nothing you do would be right - whether you were a good stepmum or whether you ignored the child.
And now I have empty nest syndrome! I am just thankful for my pets.
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