BD coming to visit 🤗

Noodle

Noodle

Active member
Hi
My BD is coming to visit us this weekend and Im so excited.
However, the dark side of the blended family always strikes.
I know I am very lucky in the sense that our worst days of skids and EFH are probably over but do they ever actually go away? I think not.
So it was the visit of my BD to our family 12 months ago that actually started the latest fued.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me and is 100 per cent out of my control but H's family were so spiteful and jealous that my BD came to visit us and Skids did not.
For those of you who are not familiar with my story. EFH will not allow skids, ages 18 & 15 (yes thats right!) to get on an aeroplane and come visit their father. (H)
Since that time, all of H's family have stopped speaking to me, stopped sending my children and me birthday cards and gifts, stopped speaking to my children and I have been in receipt of the most vile verbal abuse.
Only very recently has H started speaking to his children by text mesage.
Amongst many emotions I have, some of which feel like I really dont care about Hs nasty family, sometimes I feel hurt by their behaviours.
Im getting stronger but it takes time.
So my H is having very regular contact with his children now. But I know that he doesnt mention me and he will not be mentioning the fact that my gorgeous girl will be here and that we will be doing so many exciting things together.
How sad is that?
My daughter is special needs and so i feel especially protective towards her.
I sat here tonight and I thought, I never wanted this. And I also thought, there is a great gaping divide in my marriage. Something very important is missing. Its unity. Unity is missing. I feel very very alone in this marriage at times. I would never have picked this life for myself and of course its not the worst thing that can happen to a person but its certainly no fairy tale. As I have heard other women speak on this subject...would I go through it again if I knew what I was letting myself in for? No I wouldn't. All i see behind me since i met H is a trail of drama, abuse and harrassment. Who would sign up for that ?
Do we have good times? Yes , certainly but I tread on egg shells around 40 per cent of the time. I have to watch what i say. I have had to put Hs children before my own on many occasions because of "the situation ". When I speak to younger women and they tell me they have just met a man with children i mildy and with affection advise them against the relationship . They look at me like I am a crazy old woman because they are in love and they cant see the lifetime of hurt ahead of them. But i guess i did the same at a supposedly older and wiser 🤣 age.
This relationship is THE hardest relationship ever.
 
Great that your DD is coming to stay :) Although DH might not mention it in texts, it's probably none of their business really. But I know what you mean - he can't just have normal chat about what you're all doing. I also know what you mean about - would you do it over again? I've thought that many times, and came to the conclusion - I should have left in the first year - but OH begged me not to and tbh he probably would have fallen off a cliff if I had, he was getting so much bullying and emotional stuff from EFH. But when the relationship starts, even if you had knowledge of what it was going to be like, love makes your brain turn to mush and you have this ridiculously optimistic view that as a couple in love you can handle anything. So if I went back I would probably do the same again. On the other hand, if I had a clear vision of the amount of stress and sheer toxic stuff that invades your life, mind and relationships, I probably would have walked away. It is very tough though when you meet someone and fall in love, to think logically about the unknown future.
 
I was an idiot. Within the first 6 months, H dropped a date with me because EFH "accidentally" broke her arm. He picked her up from hospital and brought her back to his house and let her have his bed for the night. Apparently there was no one else who could assist and the poor flower was feeling faint.
That was my red flag. I should have known better. H said...he did it for the children. If I had a pound for every time I have had to listen to that bloody line.....
 
I think that happens a lot in the early days, when they're used to being single and running around after the ex. I had that kind of thing too but a few months into the relationship, I put my foot down. Go there at this time of night and you don't come back! Bfh had a relationship drama and wanted him to come over and comfort her. Late at night. Absolutely no way. It's not that I didn't trust him exactly but I know when someone is emotional late at night and needs someone to turn to - well ex's have been known to end up in bed together.

He didn't go. But he was quite stressed. I think he genuinely did think it was about SS because he said if she falls off the wagon, it puts SS at risk. I said - she can call someone else then.
 
I wouldnt have minded so much but H declared undying love for me after 3 days! 5 months later hes doing favours for EFH and then later when i used to bring it up he said, well we weren't that serious at that point !
Honestly....you couldn't make it up.
Its beyond belief.
 
Well at least it was a slower progression with us 🤣. But I did have to put up with OH running errands for EFH a lot. It used to really get to me at first, but it stopped bothering me after a while.
 
Why do they do it?
I think what made it so much harder for me personally was that my more recent ex H completely deleted me and our children from his life. I just couldn't and still dont comprehend the differences in reactions to a relationship break up. Some men do absolutely nothing and some men seem to do way too much.
My H did above and beyond and was still labelled a bad father! I actually had an ex who really was a bad father. Can you imagine my frustration at the whingeing ex wife who really has nothing to whinge about. Urghhhhh
 
They whinge because it's their mission in life I think! And Dad is the target for everything. Easy target if he wants to stay involved with his kids.
 
Doodle said:
I wouldnt have minded so much but H declared undying love for me after 3 days! 5 months later hes doing favours for EFH and then later when i used to bring it up he said, well we weren't that serious at that point !
Honestly....you couldn't make it up.
Its beyond belief.
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I heard the same line when he slept on the couch of his ex girlfriend. I understood it was over for him, but after speaking to her for a few hours, she told me she would never want to break up a couple and she didn’t.
When EFH proposed the same 6 or 8 yrs into our marriage, I told her off. And after all she put me and MY family, the mine part of the blended family, I won’t take any crap from her. He also made a strange comment just two days ago, but I know he is having some difficulties with his siblings. Who would guess!?
I find an excuse, try to, it makes me feel better. It blew over in a few hours, but still..

I also felt the lack of respect for my girls from in-laws and especially from EFH. But at least on a personal level they keep in touch. So regardless of all attempts at to split us up, our kids are ok.
I guess I should feel lucky.

I am sorry this is happening, I traveled alone since I was 14 and didn’t have anyone accompanying my. Those were different times, I was on my own with instructions. We traveled quite a lot at that time so I was familiar with the airports and planes.
I can’t understand those in my view crazy protective decisions that prevent a father from seeing his children and MIL supporting this.

Enjoy your time with your BD! You both deserve it!
 
Doodle said:
Why do they do it?
I think what made it so much harder for me personally was that my more recent ex H completely deleted me and our children from his life. I just couldn't and still dont comprehend the differences in reactions to a relationship break up. Some men do absolutely nothing and some men seem to do way too much.
My H did above and beyond and was still labelled a bad father! I actually had an ex who really was a bad father. Can you imagine my frustration at the whingeing ex wife who really has nothing to whinge about. Urghhhhh
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Sorry, that hurt
 
I travelled alone on an aeroplane when I was 16. Not as far as Australia, but I travelled down to London on a train on my own, stayed with some friends of my parents, who took me to the airport and was met at the other end. Once they're actually on the plane it's fine.
 
Hi , readingyour experiences makes me think which ever type of family we end up in in life there are stresses and issues. I’ve been married, divorced, single mum then with a Widower . They’ve all had challenges and guess if my original marriage had been perfect I wouldn’t be where I am now. In my next life I hope I meet Mr Right first time around lol. I find stepmuming hard and mines more my own emotional issues around being with a man who would still be with someone else if she hadn’t died. I keep telling myself that if reincarnation is real to remember this life somewhere in my soul memory and not to marry too young and stay single if it goes wrong - or find a childless man lol . Life would be so much easier and peaceful for us if he hadn’t had children, they’re the only reason I have to be around his lw family at all. Guess we just have to try and focus on the positives as we are where we are x
 
Yes thank you Honey. I agree with you. We should always look at the positives.
I guess i find it hard with so much animosity from Hs family to stay positive. I had unrealistic expectations, positive expectations of becoming accepted into Hs family life. I was positive. Ive been divorced, single mom.
This is my 2nd marriage. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to be friends with them all . I wanted to be accepted. But I haven't been. There has been too much spite and jealousy.
I feel very misunderstood sometimes. Im not the kind of person who shouts out unless ive explored every positive avenue first. I know when im beaten.
Today H again tells me, he has to keep his life compartmentalised because there is no other way. He asks me for a solution. I dont have one. I didnt cause the rift.
So his kids are in a private box. Private messages. He doesnt mention me to them and he doesnt mention them to me. He is a closed off man who stonewalls me regarding his children and ex wife issues and thats the way it has always been. Im extremely unhappy with that. I see no way out. There is no way out. Its a divide and i dont believe its an ingredient for a healthy marriage. Its a fracture, a chip that will only get worse. There's no way i can leave so I make the best of what i have. But its no fun .
Sorry, i hope i can be be more positive another day x
 
Hi Doodle, how your H is being does sound very hurtful. I’d be hurt by it. He must make you feel like an outsider as far as his family go. Maybe he feels stuck in the middle and finds it easier to keep everything separate as his ex and family are so toxic.

I know Mayas advice is usually to try and detach but it is hard. I experience a milder version of it with my h. I understand how you feel definitely x
 
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Doodle said:
Yes thank you Honey. I agree with you. We should always look at the positives.
I guess i find it hard with so much animosity from Hs family to stay positive. I had unrealistic expectations, positive expectations of becoming accepted into Hs family life. I was positive. Ive been divorced, single mom.
This is my 2nd marriage. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to be friends with them all . I wanted to be accepted. But I haven't been. There has been too much spite and jealousy.
I feel very misunderstood sometimes. Im not the kind of person who shouts out unless ive explored every positive avenue first. I know when im beaten.
Today H again tells me, he has to keep his life compartmentalised because there is no other way. He asks me for a solution. I dont have one. I didnt cause the rift.
So his kids are in a private box. Private messages. He doesnt mention me to them and he doesnt mention them to me. He is a closed off man who stonewalls me regarding his children and ex wife issues and thats the way it has always been. Im extremely unhappy with that. I see no way out. There is no way out. Its a divide and i dont believe its an ingredient for a healthy marriage. Its a fracture, a chip that will only get worse. There's no way i can leave so I make the best of what i have. But its no fun .
Sorry, i hope i can be be more positive another day x
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I hear you 🤗. It's a balance isn't it - we try to focus on the positives day to day to keep sane and avoid things making us ill. But also we need somewhere to let it all out, rather than repress our feelings - which can also make us ill. It can feel very isolating to feel hurt and with all these issues, and it helps to have somewhere to go to talk about it and share it.

I was quite moved when you said

This is my 2nd marriage. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to be friends with them all . I wanted to be accepted. But I haven't been. There has been too much spite and jealousy.
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I can really relate to that, and I think it's a second marriage for many of us. And if our first marriage wasn't ended by choice (ie an affair) or ended due to abuse, for example, we have already had to do a lot of healing and rebuilding our lives, and the last thing we expect is people being unpleasant to us, rejecting us, blanking us etc. I am sure you had great plans together, the move and so on, and this situation has spoiled that (interesting that isn't it? Maybe it was designed to spoil things).

That last point makes me think - maybe it was a set up by the EFW. To say the kids could come with MIL, knowing full well you wouldn't want MIL coming and would say no to that, and that make that an excuse to make DH out to be a bad Dad and blame you and turn the kids against him. Because deep down she is absolutely spitting that you both moved. So she has to try and spoil it doesn't she? I was going to say - don't let her do that. But there are two of you and your DH has fallen into the trap.

Ok so what are the solutions? Your DH has adopted a logical solution of dealing with you and the kids separately. That isn't really healthy ongoing. And maybe what he should be doing is saying - this is my wife, and there will be no disrespect towards adults in this house. And he probably doesn't because he is scared of losing contact with them. So he's either been manipulated into this, or he's chosen a route to try and keep everything - which isn't working very well.

In some ways I can relate to that too - after years of "standing by", supporting, helping with court cases, putting SS and the schedules first. OH suddenly decided he was not going to enforce the court order. He took a unilateral and logical view, that suited him and not me or SS - that EFH could do her worst but he banked on the fact that she wouldn't stop SS coming entirely as she still wanted the (voluntary) CM.

Overnight, he gave her all the power, and I felt thrown to the dogs. He didn't see it like that, he just decided - not going to court again - take what comes. It was 100% predictable how that would play out, because we knew what the situation was like BEFORE we had a court order. And of course it was correct. This gave me distress and anxiety for about two years. And I battled to keep our family relationships in tact which was quite exhausting. I also opted out. So we had this strange situation where we were a family when SS was here, and hardly spoke in between. Mainly because I had detached from him and was keeping busy with other things. It was a dealbreaker for me. Not whether we did go back to court or not, but the fact the decision had been made unilaterally by OH. In a way it was a bit - damned if you do, damned if you don't - but we needed to discuss and agree such a major thing and he pulled rank - and it affected my life. And SS didn't trust me any more when he realised nothing was being done about the situation.

Our relationship hasn't been the same since, and at one point got really bad about a year ago. But has improved. SS managed to sort some things out himself - which maybe is a good thing, but it's a heavy burden to juggle as a teenager.

It's improved because we're now at a point where it would be too late to go back to court anyway, so it is a fait accomplis. But two years ago, I had two years of angst to go through not knowing we would get to this stage. I felt angry and resentful and shut myself off, and frankly should have left. It felt like a huge betrayal after years of dealing with everything as a couple and making joint decisions. At first I couldn't leave, due to pandemic restrictions and lockdowns and over time I decided I needed to be here to support SS through it - which was very weird as there wasn't much I could do and I got a lot of hurtful behaviour - but did end up just giving that stability that showed everything was the same here, whatever happened.

So I think I understand Doodles - what your DH is doing is not what couples do - and it's a kind of betrayal. He is doing unilateral things.

At least he asked you what the solution was. So maybe we can think of one? But talking about it could be hard as it could lead to arguments.

One thing could be to email him? I know that sounds strange, but it's something that used to work with my OH in the first few years when we didn't communicate that well over some issues. He would just shut down and not resolve things. And if we tried to talk about the issue it would end up with an argument. I read somewhere once, that some men, (if they are perhaps more on the autistic spectrum)! Deal better with the written word, than with hearing emotion.

It's also an opportunity to get the words right. And be heard logically. It would still help to have a solution to propose. But I guess the solution is - he should be loyal to you and say to the kids they are to include you, and show respect, you're his wife and you have done nothing wrong and these are adult situations that they don't understand. I guess suggesting that could come across as criticism. But there may be another way of putting it. But he's scared they will reject him if he does. So he's taking the easy option - as my OH did.

They can be so selfish sometimes. Yes I get the bond with the children is strong and they will never want to lose that. But I think you went through court cases with him too didn't you?

From your point of view - what would be the solution for you?

It's possible that he is just depressed about the whole thing and shutting himself away. But he's being a bit of a puppet.

When it's our own relationship that is being affected, it affects everything. The only other thing I can think of is advice I had when a partner is being disinterested or taking you for granted and that is to start having fun on your own bit by bit, by building more and more of a life outside the home and marriage. Joining new things, meeting new friends and "living well" as Maya says and let him see you enjoying life and not just being unhappy with him having all the control. It's about taking control a bit in the only way you can, if discussion isn't going to work. The effect is to suddenly make them see what they are missing ..................... And find the solutions themselves.
 
Honey said:
Hi Doodle, how your H is being does sound very hurtful. I’d be hurt by it. He must make you feel like an outsider as far as his family go. Maybe he feels stuck in the middle and finds it easier to keep everything separate as his ex and family are so toxic.

I know Mayas advice is usually to try and detach but it is hard. I experience a milder version of it with my h. He takes my SKs to stay with parents of his late wife every other weekend and he made it clear as soon as we moved in together I wasn’t welcome on the drop offs. I told him it was hurtful, that we should be a United front, he acts like he’s ashamed of me etc - he just came out with excuses or stonewalled me, one time I invited myself along stubborn saying I’m not going to keep hiding away but he just sulked all the way there then and only cheered up on way home. So I gave up. I did get to point where I detached and don’t want to be around them anymore anyway and leave them all to it. He usd to tell me about their conversations like it some how made up for it but that hurt just as much and I said as I’m not welcome and never invited I don’t want to hear about what you all say. Now when he comes home he doesn’t tell me what they said and I do t ask. It is hurtful. We grow up with Disney where the Prince saves and protects the princess no matter what but in real life they can be weak and we have to be the strong ones. I understand how you feel definitely x
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Honey - similar thing - it's like being disloyal isn't it? He's taking the easy option. I know you've come further than that since then. Maybe one approach might be, instead of coming across as the one who complains about that specific situation, put it that it's a shame for DH that he doesn't get to spend more time with his own children at weekends and say the usual thing is children live with their parents, and grandparents visit or offer to help when you want, not when they want. And sometimes it's actually not fair on people to let them keep clinging onto an unreal situation and it might be doing everyone a favour - him, the kids, and the grandparents - if he made a few changes gradually. Have plans one of the week-ends they would normally go and offer a video call instead.

Yes we do need to detach sometimes, but to me the "detach" was from the EFH so she didn't mentally intrude in our lives. Rather than from situations that either need dealing with, or accepting and finding our own way of dealing with them.

But anyone from outside your relationship, who impacts on it, is an issue and a relationship issue. I also have an "in law" who causes trouble. And an OH who just goes along with things sometimes. I always know when the "in law" is causing trouble, because OH's behaviour changes with me and it makes me sad. When there is no interference we are much better together.
 
Thanks Esme. Yeah , I stopped complaining a while it go. It only pushed him away and made him resent me and defend them more and caused arguments.
 
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