My experience of being a partner of a Widower - and advice

Medeicat said:

I cannot say one word about his SIL and yet he does not see the type of emotional blackmail. Like calling him on New Year’s Eve, when he is with me, to say that she is all alone (her choice, though), or on Valentine’s Day calling him at dinner time, when I had cooked him an amazing meal and he leaves the table to talk to her!

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Ah that's a tricky one. My partners 2nd EFH was like that (and still is to a certain degree 6 years later). Always a drama when we are away (which she usually fabricated but with enough genuine details or facts that my partner is obliged to respond) or a call or email or text on valentines or my b'day or something. And my partner has engaged far too much during those times over the years, and it's always really hurtful. We as partners see the emotional blackmail and control these other woman/people are instigating.

6 years on there definitely needs to be some boundaries with him and his deceased wife's family. It's complex emotions and delicate family balancing but on special occasions when you are together that only happen occassionally, there needs to be some agreed boundaries. He will always have a level of grief with him and its hard to ever pinpoint a grief 'timeline' but its disrespectful at this stage of your relationship to allow her intrusions into your special time.

Medeicat said:

She passed away 6 years ago. I wasn’t sure what do to when I found out but a week after sent him a message with my condolences. To my surprise he replied immediately with a crying emoji. I was going through my own struggle (marriage breakdown) but left it to the side to try and console him. We would exchange messages all night, I was always asking him about his son and things I new he enjoyed. We had not spoken/see each other for 20 years and it just seemed that we had gone back in time… Obviously he was in a very bad state. I used to notice that sometimes he would not even ask how I was, or my children. He would go out with friends and not say anything for days. There was a point when I asked if we were talking as friends or if something more, he said something more. We started to call each other. About 9 months later we met for a coffee, then for dinner, and around a year later we spent the night. We both felt that familiarity and everything was so natural! We spoke about this, about how hard it was for him and nerve wrecking for me, but at the time we did not even notice this.
I always had a gut feeling that the twin sister was into him, she never had a serious boyfriend, never got married, does not have children. And then it’s the little things, she needed to go to an appointment and asked him to take her. Easter and Christmas are still at her house, I showed up (obviously invited) after Easter lunch and offered to help her clean the washing up and she was so angry she did even try to make conversation. It was clear she did not want me there, but he did and he even when to meet me downstairs so I would not walk in by myself.
I do think they tried to sabotage our holidays, instead of being just the two of us, after dinner, having our coffee, talking, laughing, dancing, looking at the stars, she was there every single night, talking about when they went there and did this and that…
I am doing my best, I am always polite, always with a smile but they are getting to me to the point I am questioning how much more I can take…

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Ok - gut feelings are there for a reason so you might need to really delve into yours and listen to what it is saying. Part of it might be insecurity around a twin representing his passed wife - part of it might be you reading her well and feeling her overtures/games are inappropriate and uncomfortable. Or all of it might be her (for various and complex reasons).

Its really positive that he was the one that wanted more. And your partner insisting you are invited and making sure you feel comfortable is a lovely sign of where his priority really is.

You need to talk with someone who has been through this and keep talking with us. It's such a unique and complex situation and it must be completely exhausting for you to always be the one being polite and kind. I found this which might help? And he has a site and writes books around the topic.

So, his wife passed 6 yrs ago, my friend is a widower too and he is making his best efforts to move forward, also taking care of her grown children, just being the father figure, because their father has been out of the picture for many years. He is doing ok, doesn’t drink or spends night away around drinking.

Whereas when I met my H he was a mess and I helps him in every way possible. He is done with me now and back to his old ways. I think we never stood a chance, his ex and in-laws all messed with our marriage and he didn’t really put any boundaries in. I suffered like hell and stayed long enough to find myself in an impossible situation.
And through this, I can relate to your pains.

Her sister sounds like EFH, who called H on Valentine’s Day, new year, invited him to her home, just to let him know he deserted his family. He was divorced for 6 yrs before we met. She couldn’t stand him and had nothing good to say about him before I got into the picture.

I am really sorry this is happening to you and I hate to see you suffer. I fell for H too and almost two decades later I seem to be obsolete.

I know you are in love and have given your everything, but please take care of yourself. Sometimes people take what they can and than push you away.

To me, just by letting his ex sister in law be there on your vacation is completely irresponsible and unfair and disloyal to you on his part, in my opinion. You are no longer dealing with a grieving person, but another woman supported by her family trying to push you away and find her way in.
Your feelings are real, listen to them.
It is very difficult to say, focus on us, when they are there at every corner.
He needs to find a way out, I am just afraid that once he is back on his feet and with his self confidence back, because of you, he just might hurt you too much.

I should have left H ages ago. If he had come back to me of his own accord and showed respect for me, than we would have had a chance. In my case I had to keep my mouth shut regardless of what happened and how much I was personally offended and hurt.

My apologies for being very probably too straight forward, but if you won’t be able to put boundaries in, where does that leave you?

Take care, we are here for you.

LostinCanada said:

Ok - gut feelings are there for a reason so you might need to really delve into yours and listen to what it is saying. Part of it might be insecurity around a twin representing his passed wife - part of it might be you reading her well and feeling her overtures/games are inappropriate and uncomfortable. Or all of it might be her (for various and complex reasons).

Its really positive that he was the one that wanted more. And your partner insisting you are invited and making sure you feel comfortable is a lovely sign of where his priority really is.

You need to talk with someone who has been through this and keep talking with us. It's such a unique and complex situation and it must be completely exhausting for you to always be the one being polite and kind. I found this which might help? And he has a site and writes books around the topic.

Dating a Widower

If you're dating a widower, this is THE channel to help you know if you're widower is ready to open his heart or not. Relationship coach and remarried widower Abel Keogh discusses all things about widower relationships so you can better understand why widowers act and behave he way they do. New...

www.youtube.com

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Thank you!
I sometimes feel I am part of a movie because some of the things that happen, honestly, if I wasn’t right in the middle of it I would not believe it. And yet our whole story is quite crazy, I want to believe there is a higher purpose to our paths having met again but it’s far from easy!!!
I started to read everything about grief, red flags, signs they are not ready to move on, but our situation is so unique I found most of the advice does not apply to us. He was able to trust me so earlier on because of our previous connection but yet, it seems that he feels even more guilty as I was probably her biggest insecurity when they got married.
Thanks for you support. The next battle will be Christmas, I wanted us to spent it together,for the first time, with his son and my children but he has already told me that it’s not going to happen…

Maya said:

So, his wife passed 6 yrs ago, my friend is a widower too and he is making his best efforts to move forward, also taking care of her grown children, just being the father figure, because their father has been out of the picture for many years. He is doing ok, doesn’t drink or spends night away around drinking.

Whereas when I met my H he was a mess and I helps him in every way possible. He is done with me now and back to his old ways. I think we never stood a chance, his ex and in-laws all messed with our marriage and he didn’t really put any boundaries in. I suffered like hell and stayed long enough to find myself in an impossible situation.
And through this, I can relate to your pains.

Her sister sounds like EFH, who called H on Valentine’s Day, new year, invited him to her home, just to let him know he deserted his family. He was divorced for 6 yrs before we met. She couldn’t stand him and had nothing good to say about him before I got into the picture.

I am really sorry this is happening to you and I hate to see you suffer. I fell for H too and almost two decades later I seem to be obsolete.

I know you are in love and have given your everything, but please take care of yourself. Sometimes people take what they can and than push you away.

To me, just by letting his ex sister in law be there on your vacation is completely irresponsible and unfair and disloyal to you on his part, in my opinion. You are no longer dealing with a grieving person, but another woman supported by her family trying to push you away and find her way in.
Your feelings are real, listen to them.
It is very difficult to say, focus on us, when they are there at every corner.
He needs to find a way out, I am just afraid that once he is back on his feet and with his self confidence back, because of you, he just might hurt you too much.

I should have left H ages ago. If he had come back to me of his own accord and showed respect for me, than we would have had a chance. In my case I had to keep my mouth shut regardless of what happened and how much I was personally offended and hurt.

My apologies for being very probably too straight forward, but if you won’t be able to put boundaries in, where does that leave you?

Take care, we are here for you.

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I am so sorry that you went through all that!
One friend of mine told me to keep our relationship under wraps, tell no one, because friends and family just ruin everything but in real life that is not feasible. But sure enough when we started meeting, going away for weekends, almost hidden, it was amazing, just the two of us, completely dedicated to each other.
For my birthday he gave me a bracelet, he hates exchanging gifts so I didn’t try it on in front of him. It was only later, I was showing it to my daughter and she loved it and was trying to find out the meaning of the charms. He had given me one before with a sun and told me I was his sun, and my daughter found it incredibly romantic. So this one has a lantern, and she was saying that it could be because I guide him the dark and we were having a laugh. Then I noticed it had a receipt, inside the box, like a warranty, and the date was 2012!!! I felt sick, there I was with my daughter thinking about the romantic meanings of a bracelet that it wasn’t bought for me! When I told him he basically said that because it had such a special meaning to him he felt that the gesture of giving it to me should show me how much I now mean to him? I still cannot understand this, to me it is her bracelet, it was chosen for her, gifted it to her and then I question my attitude and my feelings. Do I not deserve his time, attention that he invested in getting her a gift, to get me something? I even said I would rather that he got me one of those friendship bracelets we get from street sellers… Am I being reasonable or just going crazy here???

That definitely sounds dodgy! Calling him on New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day! Well maybe not New Year's eve because lots of family call to say Happy New year. I guess as a twin she maybe was feeling sad about her sister on New Year's Eve and wanted to share that with him. But that's holding him back. Sometimes families who are grieving don't want the man to move on as if it means it's leaving their loved one's memory behind. So frustrating as that is, I think on some occasions, like New Year's Eve, you'd maybe need to accept these things will happen - but - set some boundaries. You could whisper - just keep it to 10 minutes will you as dinner is nearly ready. Or - perhaps I could have a quick chat with her while you check the dinner. (I think I'd want to do the latter).

But Valentine's Day! That's weird. Were they identical twins? Do you think she hankers after him now her sister is gone?

Medeicat said:

Thank you!
I sometimes feel I am part of a movie because some of the things that happen, honestly, if I wasn’t right in the middle of it I would not believe it. And yet our whole story is quite crazy, I want to believe there is a higher purpose to our paths having met again but it’s far from easy!!!
I started to read everything about grief, red flags, signs they are not ready to move on, but our situation is so unique I found most of the advice does not apply to us. He was able to trust me so earlier on because of our previous connection but yet, it seems that he feels even more guilty as I was probably her biggest insecurity when they got married.
Thanks for you support. The next battle will be Christmas, I wanted us to spent it together,for the first time, with his son and my children but he has already told me that it’s not going to happen…

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I bet. It must feel surreal and unbelievable at times - like you are watching in horror from the outside but feeling all the pain being on the inside.

Ugh if it gives you any comfort at all Xmas is a nightmare for us too. I have two ex's and two sets of children to juggle and children that are getting older who also want a say in what happens (understandably). At least the ex wife is ok now (she hated the next partner as that partner the 2EFH - the one I struggle with - was incredibly manipulate and controlling and so so clever at hiding it and making the ex (and now me) look like the 'crazy' person etc etc etc). Vent on here. I know I will be...

Esme said:

That definitely sounds dodgy! Calling him on New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day! Well maybe not New Year's eve because lots of family call to say Happy New year. I guess as a twin she maybe was feeling sad about her sister on New Year's Eve and wanted to share that with him. But that's holding him back. Sometimes families who are grieving don't want the man to move on as if it means it's leaving their loved one's memory behind. So frustrating as that is, I think on some occasions, like New Year's Eve, you'd maybe need to accept these things will happen - but - set some boundaries. You could whisper - just keep it to 10 minutes will you as dinner is nearly ready. Or - perhaps I could have a quick chat with her while you check the dinner. (I think I'd want to do the latter).

But Valentine's Day! That's weird. Were they identical twins? Do you think she hankers after him now her sister is gone?

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Esme that is GREAT as an option. Offer to chat with her too. And make sure thats a boundary you both agree on if she ever calls. You get to say a quick hello or HNY or whatever it might be.

Medeicat said:

I am so sorry that you went through all that!
One friend of mine told me to keep our relationship under wraps, tell no one, because friends and family just ruin everything but in real life that is not feasible. But sure enough when we started meeting, going away for weekends, almost hidden, it was amazing, just the two of us, completely dedicated to each other.
For my birthday he gave me a bracelet, he hates exchanging gifts so I didn’t try it on in front of him. It was only later, I was showing it to my daughter and she loved it and was trying to find out the meaning of the charms. He had given me one before with a sun and told me I was his sun, and my daughter found it incredibly romantic. So this one has a lantern, and she was saying that it could be because I guide him the dark and we were having a laugh. Then I noticed it had a receipt, inside the box, like a warranty, and the date was 2012!!! I felt sick, there I was with my daughter thinking about the romantic meanings of a bracelet that it wasn’t bought for me! When I told him he basically said that because it had such a special meaning to him he felt that the gesture of giving it to me should show me how much I now mean to him? I still cannot understand this, to me it is her bracelet, it was chosen for her, gifted it to her and then I question my attitude and my feelings. Do I not deserve his time, attention that he invested in getting her a gift, to get me something? I even said I would rather that he got me one of those friendship bracelets we get from street sellers… Am I being reasonable or just going crazy here???

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Ooooh. Ah this is a hurtful one. That reminds me of the beautifully heartbreaking scene in Love Actually where the wonderful Emma Thomspon was excited when she found a beautifully wrapped gift in her husbands pocket and thought it was for her and took a cheeky peak as he hadn't been romantic and the marriage was struggling. And then on xmas day she opens a pair of socks or something so knew that he had given it to someone else. I'm mangling this but I don't think there was a woman who saw that movie who didn't cry with heartbreak for Emma's heart.

You are right to be hurt absolutely. Not sure what was going through his head. That's so not how a woman would think at all. I think sometimes partners have such a different idea of what is acceptable, romantic, lovely, decent, kind etc. I don't think they aren't those things just they have a different perspective at times. They just have such a different brain to ours within these areas. He genuinely could have believed what he said - and thought your feelings of insecurity are tied up in his passed wife - so a gift that meant so much to him at the time from that era would now show how special you are - but not tying it back to the feelings he had at the time he originally bought it? Particularly if he hates giving gifts (which to me indicates he feels insecure about the reaction and/or getting it right). But as a woman I think it was a gift he definitely didn't through and you are right to feel how you did. Ugh so so hard for you. But its a huge learning curve still. Keep educating and if he hates giving gifts do go a little gentler on him as he will be horrified and really embarrassed he got this one so so wrong.

Maya said:

So, his wife passed 6 yrs ago, my friend is a widower too and he is making his best efforts to move forward, also taking care of her grown children, just being the father figure, because their father has been out of the picture for many years. He is doing ok, doesn’t drink or spends night away around drinking.

Whereas when I met my H he was a mess and I helps him in every way possible. He is done with me now and back to his old ways. I think we never stood a chance, his ex and in-laws all messed with our marriage and he didn’t really put any boundaries in. I suffered like hell and stayed long enough to find myself in an impossible situation.
And through this, I can relate to your pains.

Her sister sounds like EFH, who called H on Valentine’s Day, new year, invited him to her home, just to let him know he deserted his family. He was divorced for 6 yrs before we met. She couldn’t stand him and had nothing good to say about him before I got into the picture.

I am really sorry this is happening to you and I hate to see you suffer. I fell for H too and almost two decades later I seem to be obsolete.

I know you are in love and have given your everything, but please take care of yourself. Sometimes people take what they can and than push you away.

To me, just by letting his ex sister in law be there on your vacation is completely irresponsible and unfair and disloyal to you on his part, in my opinion. You are no longer dealing with a grieving person, but another woman supported by her family trying to push you away and find her way in.
Your feelings are real, listen to them.
It is very difficult to say, focus on us, when they are there at every corner.
He needs to find a way out, I am just afraid that once he is back on his feet and with his self confidence back, because of you, he just might hurt you too much.

I should have left H ages ago. If he had come back to me of his own accord and showed respect for me, than we would have had a chance. In my case I had to keep my mouth shut regardless of what happened and how much I was personally offended and hurt.

My apologies for being very probably too straight forward, but if you won’t be able to put boundaries in, where does that leave you?

Take care, we are here for you.

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Straight is always good Maya as you are speaking from deep and painful experience. So sorry for you too re the treatment you have received from H. You deserved more.

And once they had broken up he should never have gone over to her house on V day anyways. Ugh!!

LostinCanada said:

Ooooh. Ah this is a hurtful one. That reminds me of the beautifully heartbreaking scene in Love Actually where the wonderful Emma Thomspon was excited when she found a beautifully wrapped gift in her husbands pocket and thought it was for her and took a cheeky peak as he hadn't been romantic and the marriage was struggling. And then on xmas day she opens a pair of socks or something so knew that he had given it to someone else. I'm mangling this but I don't think there was a woman who saw that movie who didn't cry with heartbreak for Emma's heart.

You are right to be hurt absolutely. Not sure what was going through his head. That's so not how a woman would think at all. I think sometimes partners have such a different idea of what is acceptable, romantic, lovely, decent, kind etc. I don't think they aren't those things just they have a different perspective at times. They just have such a different brain to ours within these areas. He genuinely could have believed what he said - and thought your feelings of insecurity are tied up in his passed wife - so a gift that meant so much to him at the time from that era would now show how special you are - but not tying it back to the feelings he had at the time he originally bought it? Particularly if he hates giving gifts (which to me indicates he feels insecure about the reaction and/or getting it right). But as a woman I think it was a gift he definitely didn't through and you are right to feel how you did. Ugh so so hard for you. But its a huge learning curve still. Keep educating and if he hates giving gifts do go a little gentler on him as he will be horrified and really embarrassed he got this one so so wrong.

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It was a CD (In Love Actually).

I missed the bit about the bracelet. Are you saying it belonged to the ex wife and he wrapped it up and gave it to you? I would also be very upset and then later absolutely furious.

However, although it was insensitive, it's perspective again maybe. When my Mother died, my Father "inherited" everything, as her spouse. All her jewellery as well as all their joint possessions. Her jewellery then belonged to him to give to whoever he wanted.

So in a way it was his bracelet. If it had a receipt in the box, had it ever been worn? If it had been worn then yes very insensitive (and maybe a bit skinflint?!!). I think if I found out about that I would wait till I was feeling calmer and then gently say to him that you appreciate the thought that he had that you would like the bracelet, but you're not comfortable about it and in future you would like your own jewellery from him not jewellery that belonged to his wife and perhaps he could donate her jewellery to a member of the family who would enjoy having a keepsake.

On the other hand you could just dump him!

I think that I have reached my boiling point and I am going to try and shift my focus on myself and my children. I am also going to see a therapist because my happiness has become dependent on him, his texts, his phone calls, countdown to our weekends or weeks or holidays together.
Yesterday he and his son went to have dinner with his SIL, her brother and his son were there as well. He texted me saying they were heading home and then 1 hour later texted again saying they were going to sleep there. That it had been a “great evening, great family”. This was at 3 am and I haven’t managed to go to sleep. He has never said this about his own family (sister and brother) as he would rather spent time with the deceased family (her twin sister and her brother). I know I should not try and interpret and read more into this text but I am an over thinker and this, to me means “this is why I want to keep spending my summer holidays and Christmas with them”, really where does this leave me? Where do I fit in here?
I am a strong woman, I have been through so much and I have done so much on my own with my babies but this is really bringing me down! I love him and I pictured us growing old together, I love taking care of him but he does not put himself in my shoes, he does not think about my feelings… I am just waiting for the photo on Facebook from their happy family gathering…

I am sorry you feel so bad, but I can also understand why.
Loving someone that doesn’t reciprocate in the sam way is, to put it nicely, painful.
I lived my share of pain by having to deal with H’s family. They pushed me away and pulled H in, he was confused as to where his loyalty should be and that really hurt. I was tolerating it at first, I politely mentioned it, I got angry, than I went into apathy and the love I had for him slowly numbed.
Years later he recognized what they were doing, what was going on and that what I said about them was true, but it took a long time.
He changed, I changed. We are ok now, it was really bad for a while and each time he has to deal with them it gets him worked up and I end up with a mess at work and at home.
I hope he is seeing things for what they are more and more, but admittedly has a difficult situation.

What I don’t have to deal with anymore is a woman and her family stepping between us. If I had that I would definitely have to step away.

I had the ex wife and his and her family stepping between us and trying literally to cause a divorce.

I really do think it’s best that you focus on yourself and your family, rekindle your relationships with friends and change your focus away from them, away from him.

It seems like he is not willing to put in any boundaries and consequently hurting you, by keeping “his own family”, including the twin sister. It’s been 6 years and there is no excuse for doing it. At least my H did cut contact with exw and he brought me along to see his family. His mother even apologized to me in front of H, a few years before she passed. She wanted her son to know that she was wrong.
After she passed whole hell broke loose, because H wouldn’t obey his older siblings. His sister told me that he doesn’t love me and he will divorce me. That is how intensely they were working on breaking our relationship.

I think his deceased wife’s sister and family know exactly how to break you up all hoping they will succeed and that he will be free to build a romantic relationship with the twin.
I wish I could say you are wrong, but I think your feelings are spot on. It is just guilt that is causing him to at least inform you of what is going on and his children are the excuse they all use for extremely insensitive behavior.
If I were to guess, he needed someone outside her family to recover, now that he is recovered, just look who he is leaning to now, instead of going strong with you.
Again, I am sorry.

Stay strong and get a bit angry, not just sad. It’s easier to break away.
I am certain any good honest friend will tell you, you are right.
It’s not the end of the world. You can take your time and just stay away from him for a while. I would probably ask him to come over, tell him what is on my mind and just say, that is not how you treat your partner. That is not how you build a relationship. I would also be very honest and frank about the twin. If he would deny it, I would just say a woman knows when someone is trying to get involved in a relationship. It’s the respect for you they all lack and so does he.
Sometimes love is not enough, loyalty and respect are very key in a relationship.

Maya said:

I am sorry you feel so bad, but I can also understand why.
Loving someone that doesn’t reciprocate in the sam way is, to put it nicely, painful.
I lived my share of pain by having to deal with H’s family. They pushed me away and pulled H in, he was confused as to where his loyalty should be and that really hurt. I was tolerating it at first, I politely mentioned it, I got angry, than I went into apathy and the love I had for him slowly numbed.
Years later he recognized what they were doing, what was going on and that what I said about them was true, but it took a long time.
He changed, I changed. We are ok now, it was really bad for a while and each time he has to deal with them it gets him worked up and I end up with a mess at work and at home.
I hope he is seeing things for what they are more and more, but admittedly has a difficult situation.

What I don’t have to deal with anymore is a woman and her family stepping between us. If I had that I would definitely have to step away.

I had the ex wife and his and her family stepping between us and trying literally to cause a divorce.

I really do think it’s best that you focus on yourself and your family, rekindle your relationships with friends and change your focus away from them, away from him.

It seems like he is not willing to put in any boundaries and consequently hurting you, by keeping “his own family”, including the twin sister. It’s been 6 years and there is no excuse for doing it. At least my H did cut contact with exw and he brought me along to see his family. His mother even apologized to me in front of H, a few years before she passed. She wanted her son to know that she was wrong.
After she passed whole hell broke loose, because H wouldn’t obey his older siblings. His sister told me that he doesn’t love me and he will divorce me. That is how intensely they were working on breaking our relationship.

I think his deceased wife’s sister and family know exactly how to break you up all hoping they will succeed and that he will be free to build a romantic relationship with the twin.
I wish I could say you are wrong, but I think your feelings are spot on. It is just guilt that is causing him to at least inform you of what is going on and his children are the excuse they all use for extremely insensitive behavior.
If I were to guess, he needed someone outside her family to recover, now that he is recovered, just look who he is leaning to now, instead of going strong with you.
Again, I am sorry.

Stay strong and get a bit angry, not just sad. It’s easier to break away.
I am certain any good honest friend will tell you, you are right.
It’s not the end of the world. You can take your time and just stay away from him for a while. I would probably ask him to come over, tell him what is on my mind and just say, that is not how you treat your partner. That is not how you build a relationship. I would also be very honest and frank about the twin. If he would deny it, I would just say a woman knows when someone is trying to get involved in a relationship. It’s the respect for you they all lack and so does he.
Sometimes love is not enough, loyalty and respect are very key in a relationship.

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You are an amazing woman to go through all of that and my heart breaks for you when you say that you changed and he changed… I don’t want what we have to change but it is only like that when we are in our own bubble, I see that now! He had been through a lot of grief so now he does not want any drama, ha does not have the strength to react or to put in the effort. So when I try to open his eyes in regards to her twin or his son he just takes it as if I am causing a stir that he does not want or need.
I thought we would go from strength to strength, I thought I would become more important to him, I thought he would choose someone who is here, who loves him and does everything to be with him, to a ghost (with all respect, that has always been my mantra, I wasn’t taking her place and I would always respect her memory). I am a very playful person, he used to say that I am always smiling, I sing and I dance but I am drained, I am sad, and I am going to need help to let go of the one I thought it was the one…
Thanks for you words and support!

Medeicat said:

You are an amazing woman to go through all of that and my heart breaks for you when you say that you changed and he changed… I don’t want what we have to change but it is only like that when we are in our own bubble, I see that now! He had been through a lot of grief so now he does not want any drama, ha does not have the strength to react or to put in the effort. So when I try to open his eyes in regards to her twin or his son he just takes it as if I am causing a stir that he does not want or need.
I thought we would go from strength to strength, I thought I would become more important to him, I thought he would choose someone who is here, who loves him and does everything to be with him, to a ghost (with all respect, that has always been my mantra, I wasn’t taking her place and I would always respect her memory). I am a very playful person, he used to say that I am always smiling, I sing and I dance but I am drained, I am sad, and I am going to need help to let go of the one I thought it was the one…
Thanks for you words and support!

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Oh Mediecat, I feel foryou but you have hit the nail on head. He is emotionally exhausted and doesn't have the strength and it is easier to go along with what has been rather than change for what should be. My partner was the same - and although he chased me and wanted the relationship to happen - when I moved countries during covid and left the beautiful UK and all my friends behind - I got apathy and anger from him when I wanted him to be a respectful and kind partner and put some boundaries in with his ex (and her 5-20 phone calls, texts and emails EVERY day - which didn't change until 5 years in. And we also sound the same re being a playful, fun and kind/thoughtful person. I was funny, energetic, always positive and my partner and his 2nd EFH broke me. I wish I could give you a hug.

Maya has said some very good things re how to cope. And your gut instinct and feeling re focusing back on you and your children is absolutely the way to go. I'm not sure I would sit him down (although Maya's advice is good). I know whenever I sat my partner down to try and get him to see that I would leave or things weren't respectful and thoughtful from him - he would either nod and agree and then nothing would change - or he would get angry. The only time things really started to change was 1. when he read a post on here that I think Esme or Maya wrote about how they ended up being the one who dealt with EFH re comms 2. when I started getting fit and happy and laughing again - with or without him. I focused on meeting new people here in Vancouver and I focused on getting as fit and healthy as I could. I then got out of my depression, anxiety and sadness and he sat up and took more notice (not just physially of course but with my mental change of not letting them break me or change me or bring me down). It is different I appreciate as my partner was never emotionally connectd to his ex (he couldn't stand being around her) but he was scared of her and emotionally burnt and broken so just let her do whatever control/manipulations etc she wanted and she was constantly trying to break us up. Its how she trapped him in the first place re bombarding him and aggressively chasing him - after his wife had had an affair and he had watched his father die in a horrific work place accident. He was still inthe marital home and the night they met at a work event she locked her subordinate in a room (the subordinate had a crush on my partner and vice versa) and told everyone to watch her room and not let her out as she was too drunk. She then proceeded to chase and chase him. Accidentally fall pregnant at 43 and on the pill (after he told her time and time again he didn't want more children) and then he was trapped. She was only the 2nd woman he had ever been with. Oopppps I've digressed. I still have a lot of anger towards her when HIS family and friends fall for her tactics (which she still plays all those games 6 years later).

Focus on YOU first (and the children). REmember the things you were doing when you met him. Remember the feelings you had around those things you were doing. The friends you had. Its not easy but Maya is right. Get angry rather than sad and it will help fuel you finding yourself and your confidence again. xx

Sorry written very quickly before I go out to the gym with my new friends.

Medeicat said:

I think that I have reached my boiling point and I am going to try and shift my focus on myself and my children. I am also going to see a therapist because my happiness has become dependent on him, his texts, his phone calls, countdown to our weekends or weeks or holidays together.
Yesterday he and his son went to have dinner with his SIL, her brother and his son were there as well. He texted me saying they were heading home and then 1 hour later texted again saying they were going to sleep there. That it had been a “great evening, great family”. This was at 3 am and I haven’t managed to go to sleep. He has never said this about his own family (sister and brother) as he would rather spent time with the deceased family (her twin sister and her brother). I know I should not try and interpret and read more into this text but I am an over thinker and this, to me means “this is why I want to keep spending my summer holidays and Christmas with them”, really where does this leave me? Where do I fit in here?
I am a strong woman, I have been through so much and I have done so much on my own with my babies but this is really bringing me down! I love him and I pictured us growing old together, I love taking care of him but he does not put himself in my shoes, he does not think about my feelings… I am just waiting for the photo on Facebook from their happy family gathering…

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I'm so sorry this is making you so unhappy. I wonder if it is just timing. If you don't live together, I wonder if he is quite sorted yet. He seems to rely on talking to you/texting you, but you're his partner and he seems to be having a bit of an independent life. If I've got that right.

You can still love someone at a distance and if something is meant to be, it will be at the right time. But yes maybe it is time to focus on yourself and your children for now. That doesn't necessarily mean some big announcement. Maybe you could just be less available for a while. In your own mind, the things he's doing won't hurt so much when you've decided to break away - at least for now. Or you could just wait for a convenient moment and say you're not sure this is the right time for him to have a relationship with you, and you're finding things hurtful and would like to have a break. If he is being manipulated he might not see it - until he has more time to think on his own and work out his priorities.

I’ve reread the posts and I realize there is a pattern to relationships, some make it and some don’t.
I am a divorcee myself and I know it’s not easy. Once you know how difficult it can be, we either go through it again if it is absolutely necessary, or we find other ways to keep above water and getting fit physically and consecutively mentally to a better place, everything gets easier and often men notice.

Just the other day H said he is not ok when I am not ok and he feels lost and completely looses his purpose.
It was difficult to hear, I need someone to lean on too, but not H. We function just fine when I have the drive, the energy and am happy, but when not, like having a cold or something, he is sometimes, more often than not, in a bad place.
In my marriage I have to be in charge of myself all the time. It is difficult, very difficult and even this doesn’t guarantee anything, but definitely significantly improves our chances of getting on.

Mine is not an easy marriage, but it does have its big pluses. He likes to get things done and I have to plan them out and do the finances.

It would be so much easier if I could just let it all go, but it’s not the life I chose. Even having a company is a big responsibility and in the past year I had to do all the planning, hiring, teaching and it was hard, exhausting. Yesterday 2 people quit, I knew, we had agreed on it.
One was just help until my DD gets back from maternity leave. My granddaughter got sick and DD has to stay home until the end of the week. My friend who was helping us out twice a week is not even considering coming in to go through what she has done with DD. She said it can be done over the phone. I was a bit shocked, because I even wanted to prepare a thank you lunch for her.
The other employee was trained, and when I mentioned moving onto sales, he refused work, it was what he initially applied for.
I spoke to his previous employer and we all had the same experience, some part he could do well, but any upgrade from that and learning is not in his grasp. Wasted money and time, but at least he did some good.
And we also had Covid twice - so fed up with getting ill, tbh.

Bottom line, we have to be high functioning and mentally stable.
I really suggest you work on being fit and keeping yourself busy with your friends and maybe some new activities.
It doesn’t matter where you start and don’t wait to feel better, because sometimes that just doesn’t come. Later you will definitely be better. Once we feel a bit better, it is easier to see the situation we are in and than make a decision.

Keep well and let us know how you are.