Most men are just men. They have their own function in the society, but almost always there is a woman behind them. A mother, sister, friend, partner, wife, even people who left or people who passed. It doesn’t matter.
We have a different emotional setup. I think many would agree that we somehow hold the fort together, process emotions that are often not our own, have some ethical code… and I could go on.
I am not saying men don’t have it, but imagine a world with only men or only women. We balance each other out and are opposites.
What a certain person doesn’t have usually attracts them to someone who does.
Two people of similar makeup can be great friends, but in a relationship it can be difficult. Found that out from my first marriage.
I didn’t know who I was yet, I married young and wanted to open my/our own company at that time. Exh was totally against it and I never understood why, than. He is a hard worker, ambitious and quite successful. I chose my own path, but I admit I am equally ambitious and I like to succeed.
Guess how that turned out. He wanted a wifey that would cook and take care of the kids and the family with a stable job, I tried, really tried, but was miserable.
In this marriage, H appreciates me being ambitious and he likes to cook and stay in the back. We are more complimentary and I guess I stayed throughout because I feel we are good match in many ways.
I would prefer someone like me, tried it but found out that in the end we were just fighting with each other.
My point being, it is up to you to choose to remove yourself from the efh’s grip on you. H will follow, I know mine did.
How, I stopped thinking of her, had to, I was going crazy. And at one point I was free and once I wasn’t tense about her, neither was H or he calmed down faster. We usually mimic examples, discussions only made things worse. Activities helped, a different focus helped. I made it my life’s priority not to react or react and keep it short.
Than after a while - it improved gradually, it almost stopped.
I know staying calm is the way to go. Air it out here.
It is futile to expect men to think the way we do.
I know I really hated the word called diplomacy. I thought that was hypocritical and a part of it may as well be. I just didn’t possess the skill and oh boy did I get a lesson in that.
We have to know how to filter our thoughts. I always thought, oh why would I, if he can do as he pleases.
The only way I can live in relative peace and get things done is by using those skills on H and everyone I work with. I am still direct, I cannot hide this, but I do my best to choose my words and lately I also choose what I tell H, what I deem important and what would only burden and upset him.
I can deal with certain things better than he can.
My initial philosophy was, you marry someone you can trust with everything and that is how we started off. He told me I could wake him up in the middle of the night and tell him whatever.
That phase was over soon, I was talking and he would fall asleep.
I hope you got what I am trying to say. EFH sadly has/had a grip on us too and firstly we have to deal with that head on and get her and those who are similar out of our heads, our lives. Not physically, but “energetically”. We have to build a mental bypass, or they will control us with fear for a lifetime.
Talking or yelling at H on my case only often made things worse. For me and for him.
But once I stayed focused on my life more, our relationship improved and I could offer my support.
We think it is their job to set the boundaries and it is, but never forget we run things backstage. The more skilled you are in this, the more you may succeed in turning things around. But we also have to know when to stop and let them be them.
EFHs don’t know how to stop the control. H has lately told me, when I said “it could have worked out so well, I really wanted it to”, EFH lost control over me and she could never get over it.
15 years on, he knows the answer.
And by control, it means control of you too! Of your life, Everything! It is not in your head, it is real and we all had to deal with it.
They go crazy when they loose control and in your case she is fighting in every sense to keep you under her thumb (both of you).
It is a difficult life lesson, but one that is life changing. It helps in many aspects of our lives.
In retrospect of course. I now see how it helps me deal with difficult people around me. I don’t think of them and that is so freeing.
